[nottrustin]

As I was in the midst of a very painful session with long term T it hit me that the sad reality of all this is even though I have a strong support system ( 2 great therapists, loving husband, great family and friends) I am still on this painful journey all alone. They try but ultimately it is all on me. T was speachless for a moment. Sucky realization

[mostlylurking]

This reminds me a bit of being in labor. You may have (in my case) your mom and husband there with you, a great midwife and experienced nurses, but in the end, you are the one who has to do it. And no one else can really feel what you're going through.

And the other realization is, there is no way out but through it.

It may also be like labor in that at some points you think "This is just literally impossible" but you do get through it in the end, and you will too on your own journey.

Thats not a bad thing. It's When I'm alone with my pain that I am really in touch with me.

[nottrustin]

I told her the one thing hold onto is a glimmer of hope that things will be better. She did say she was committed to continuing on this journey with me. But it still was a hard reality.

[Anne2.0]

I like the labor analogy. My T says that he is an accompanist, like the piano to the singer, which implies a closer connection than the way you see it. I don't feel like I'm all alone, although my support network is good, and my therapy sessions move me forward. I kind of think you can be alone and you can feel alone, and the 4 possible combinations of those things are different situations. For me the loneliest I ever felt in life was when I was in a relationship that wasn't right for me-- maybe a 3 or 4 year stretch in my early 30's.

I happen to like being alone. After many years being married and now with a teenager a little more than a year to launch date, I relish solitude, crave it, enjoy it. There are ways now that I feel alone even when I'm not-- especially, and kind of dumbly-- this time of year when I miss having a partner who has my back for all kinds of things.

[Argonautomobile]

I think it was my second or third session with Beavers that he said, solemnly: "We are, essentially, alone."

I think this is the sort of thing one knows, but by degrees: It is impressed on one at different times, and can be a very awful realization.

I like the birth metaphor.

Take care, NT

Originally Posted by nottrustin

As I was in the midst of a very painful session with long term T it hit me that the sad reality of all this is even though I have a strong support system ( 2 great therapists, loving husband, great family and friends) I am still on this painful journey all alone. They try but ultimately it is all on me.

I kinda grew up conditioned to the "twinship" idea, that while it is not trivial to find highly similar others, it is possible and is one of the most rewarding social experiences. A key person in this context for me was my father, but also a few good friends in childhood and adolescence.

But the OP very much reminds me of how and why I got interested in existential philosophy in my teens / 20's, when I started to realize more and more how we all are unique and individuals and, ultimately, mostly alone in our deepest endeavors. I felt very strongly drawn to that realization and explored those philosophical ideas in my youth in depth; it also colored my value system and spiritual endeavors.

Gradually I lost the connection with those darker existential thoughts and feelings starting in my late 30's, when I had lots of opportunities to experience team work, community, steady close relationships, reconnected with my elderly father, and meaningful friendships with several people who liked to ponder similar existential questions and were prone to similar existential angst to mine (easy to find some now even here on PC). Those earlier life feelings have not returned to me since (I am 44 now and feel well-integrated into society, with a strong grip on my niche and social roles). Those earlier feelings of alienation, occasional void, the compulsions to try and compensate for feeling different inside and getting external "validation" how others indeed saw me very different... it's mostly dissipated from my thoughts and vanished from my emotions. I's a bit like a loop back to my very early life origins, when I felt so close and comfortable in my immediate family of origin, just a much broader and higher level of connectedness. It's a wonderful and steady feeling for me now but it's come at a cost during my 30's (not getting into the details of it now) that I am not sure I would choose to pay again had I had the chance to redo it. All of it is intimately hardwired into me now but I am not sure the alienation will never come back. My father suffered the worst of it during the last ~2 years of his life, so... I am trying to enjoy the connectedness feeling as long as it lasts.

[toomanycats]

That is how life works for each of us.
We intensely desire connection, of course. And, we find it, through love. But, this is also why self love ends up being so crucial.
Because, ultimately, we ARE alone - the only ones having our unique experience. The only ones feeling the things coursing through our bodies. The only ones seeing the image-thoughts in our heads. The only ones hearing our internal voices.

We need connection. We need others. But, we also need ourselves and connection with and love for ourselves. Else, we're destined to feel truly, wholly alone - without ourselves by our own sides.

[nottrustin]

As a child and teen all I wanted was somebody to rescue and protect me along with feeling important. As an adult I guess I am still trying to find somebody to do that... sounds horrible but what it is

Originally Posted by toomanycats

That is how life works for each of us.
We intensely desire connection, of course. And, we find it, through love. But, this is also why self love ends up being so crucial.
Because, ultimately, we ARE alone - the only ones having our unique experience. The only ones feeling the things coursing through our bodies. The only ones seeing the image-thoughts in our heads. The only ones hearing our internal voices.

We need connection. We need others. But, we also need ourselves and connection with and love for ourselves. Else, we're destined to feel truly, wholly alone - without ourselves by our own sides.

Thank you for this!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

As a child and teen all I wanted was somebody to rescue and protect me along with feeling important. As an adult I guess I am still trying to find somebody to do that... sounds horrible but what it is

I don't think that sounds horrible at all. I think for the first time in therapy about a year ago I said that all I wanted was for someone to take care of me. It felt really profound to admit that and it felt very primal at the time. Releasing that felt really good, and it wasn't long before I didn't want that again. I want a lot of things, including unconditional love from everyone around me, that I realize are not going to happen and are probably something I would run screaming from if they happened to. But for an hour every other week I allow my T to take care of me in small ways and to feel his acceptance and understanding of me as a person. That seems like it helps.

But I think for a lot of us with abuse in our background (prolly works similarly for neglect, I just don't have experience with it), this is so core to our child experience, the need to be rescued and protected, because we weren't. We missed that in childhood, and of course we would like that experience in adulthood.

[Out There]

. I found this a very profound thing to look at and discussed this with my existential T. It's experiencing a virtual death , cremation and rebirth in a simulator in China. It may not be for everyone so I'd say there's a trigger warning. Also people may not see what it represents - it is the rebirth by fire which is our second birth and so important. The sucky realization is also the profound and healing one hopefully. All very existential , but what's at the heart of the meaning of life and what we experience and suffer ?

[InnerPeace111]

Just saying that I agree therapy is a real DIY project. It’s a good thing we can plan ahead, set our own goals, work on small chunks at one time, take breaks when needed, etc. Not easy but we learn as we go.