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#1
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I usually just lurk around here, but I have this question that has been running through my head for the last month I have been seeing my therapist. I am always wondering what her life is like when she is not working. What she drives, likes to eat, read, what tv shows she likes... Maybe it is because I know absolutely nothing about her. Just wondering if anyone else felt this way and if you have talked about it with your therapist?
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#2
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There are lots of reasons for wondering about those things. Maybe you want her to be like you. Maybe you don't want her to be too much like you or like someone you know. You certainly can talk to her about that stuff. Attachment and transference are important parts of therapy, and the questions you have are almost certainly related to transference, attachment, etc. She may or may not answer your questions, but talking about wanting to know those things would be significant.
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“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg ![]() |
#3
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Hi coco, my therapist tells me a lot of stuff about himself. It helps him seem like a real person to me, and aids in our having a mutualistic and deep relationship. It is right for him and me. Some therapists, however, do not include self disclosure in their therapeutic toolkit, or might limit it to a subset of clients. You could ask your T if she believes in self disclosure with her clients.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
#4
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I think all therapists know we are curious about them. Ask your therapist a few simple questions and see how she responds? Therapy is supposed to be about you so your therapist wants to focus on you, not her. But an occasional question as you are discussing something germane, "Do you have any brothers?" when talking about your brother, for example, (or sister, etc.) would not be too far afield. Just asking a whole bunch of questions all at once might not go over well though :-) The trick is to be able to ask something at the "right" time so it doesn't strike your T as avoiding your own stuff. If you're having trouble talking about your brother and suddenly ask her if she has any, that would probably been seen as trying to get the focus off you/your brother and probably wouldn't fly :-)
T's do say things every now and then on their own though; my favorite was when my T had to call me to say she'd be late one morning because her garage door wouldn't open :-) She was saying how her husband was over at the neighbor's to get their help (about how it worked). So I got a little picture of her life. Her son once called when he was 8-9 and we were in a session and read her a poem he'd written her. She told me that much so I have a slight clue how old she is, etc. :-) I know when she got her PhD and from what school. Another thing she spontaneously told me was when my husband and I were taking sailing lessons and she had gone to the same sailing school (that was really weird, I would never have pictured her taking sailing). It can take a bit of time and getting to know one another though; T's have to get to know and trust you too! They don't know who is going to walk in their front door :-)
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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I read a book recently "How Psychotherapy Really Works" and it said that it is best to not know too much about your Ts personal interests, habits, etc. because then it prohibits you from "writing your story onto your T".
The problem with that is that I know squat about my T. |
#6
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Gravity said: I read a book recently "How Psychotherapy Really Works" and it said that it is best to not know too much about your Ts personal interests, habits, etc. because then it prohibits you from "writing your story onto your T". </div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I bet that book was about the psychodynamic school. Different therapy approaches allow for different degrees of self-disclosure.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
#7
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Hey. I wonder about my therapist too. But... I don't ask him. And when he tells me stuff I feel kind of icky about it. Like I would rather not know.
He told me his wife was pregnant (to explain that he would be taking a month off when she delivered). He told me that he would take a week off every school holidays so I figure he has school age kids too. I googled him... And found that he attends a local church and leads prayers there sometimes. And that his wife had a girl. None of that is stuff that I really wanted to know. His marital status. About his kids. His religious beliefs. I wonder about other stuff, though. About how old he is. About what kinds of problems he has. I think I get some idea of what kinds of vulnerabilities he has by way of his interactions with me. I wonder what his childhood was like. I wonder why he got interested in psychiatry and in psychotherapy in particular. Will I ask him any of that? Maybe... I think I found his wife online trying to sell a dog kennel too but I'm not sure... |
#8
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I've been seeing my T for about 20 months. I feel I know quite a bit about him. I've never asked him anything. Everything has been volunteered through the process. A lot of it by example.
I don't think I would have such a close relationship with him if I knew nothing about him. I know enough to know him as a human and I can relate. We have a great chemistry. |
#9
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said: </div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I bet that book was about the psychodynamic school. Different therapy approaches allow for different degrees of self-disclosure. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yep. Sometimes when I read what other Ts say to their patients, I am totally shocked! I can't imagine my T saying anything of the sort! |
#10
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My psychologist is quite stingy about what she self-discloses and I am too timid to ask questions for the most part..... I read in the book "In Session" by Deborah Lott, that this gives the therapist more power over us.
I think that if I let her close to me and tell her everything; and not knowing anything about her, well that *does* sound like a power thing to me. We have our whole selves open in front of them and they tell us nothing. What an artificial relationship! I would like to know, for instance if she is human and makes mistakes sometimes! She did tell me that she doesn't cook! (She is single). I don't want to know her family history or be her best friend or even a friend. I have a hard enough time talking as it is. If she were more "human" to me, I think it might be a bit easier. I am afraid to give up the power! |
#11
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I know that my T.......... wears socks. Yeah, that's it.
What can I say? He's psychoanalytic. |
#12
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Hi Olivia, my T is from the humanistic psychology approach which is aligned with a lot of what you said. This approach allows for self disclosure, promotes a mutualistic relationship, and the T's are not afraid to be human! I love this approach--it works really well for me.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
#13
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At first, I felt like I knew nothing about my T. However, she has tried to relate to me at times by sharing a personal experience with me. I know that she is married and her husband has had his employer get sold (Mine was sold in 2006). She was on medical leave for a while because she injured her shoulder and needed surgery for it. She has also helped to care for an elderly relative in the past (I helped take care of my great aunt who died in 2005). I don't feel comfortable asking questions because my counseling classes discourages self-disclosure to clients. It has the potential to distract from the objective of the relationship and may get you into trouble if the client is the type to try to use it against you. Some of us can be manipulative in on own way because we NEED things that we can't seem to get for ourselves. My T just got a digital recorder and is working on learning how to use it. As you can tell, I have known my T for almost two years.
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