Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Not sure if i've ever begged before, but please, PLEASE let there be a cancellation on thursday or friday for me. At not at last minute, bc there will be no way i can get a sub.

Oh T, please write me back.

Thank you for today. Seeing you always makes things better. But... I'm really missing you right now. I really don't like the amount of time between sessions. I have to wait another 3 weeks because of your vacation. I love you!

I have my pharmacology test today at 2.30. I spent most of yesterday sleeping and crying.

I can't believe I'm considering getting another T just to ask for advice on how to tell you things I haven't told you yet because I'm afraid. Lol. Does that say more about me or more about you? (Me. I know it's me.)

Couldn’t you have said this stuff last week? Do you know how much agony you’d have saved me?

Thx for being you, thx for being here, thx for caring and trying to help me.

I'm not coming back. I told your receptionist about it already (as I'm not allowed to contact you in between sessions...). She insisted in seeing you one more time so we could "close the therapy cycle properly", but I don't think there's much left to say. I'm not paying you for one more session just to say goodbye and then go home feeling x100 times worse (as I've been feeling after every session lately).

I wonder what your conference is about.

So I sent the email in preparation for tonight but I really hope you just read it, acknowledge it and move on. I hate discussing this type of thing... and I'd really rather ignore it for life if possible

Dear T,
I hope you've given some thought to what I said in the e-mail--particularly the part about feeling ashamed and dirty. And also the stuff about you seeming very uncomfortable with transference, like I have cooties or something. I need you to comprehend the effect your words had on me and why I'm uncertain about continuing therapy with you. How you are and what you say today will probably play a big role in that decision. (Note: Most people who read my account of session think I should just leave...so it's not just me having irrational doubts.)

And I think it goes without saying that you'll get your stone back--it feels tainted now. You'll likely say I can keep it, but I need to say no. Even if that tears me apart. Because it doesn't represent what I thought it represented, so whatever sort of power it had is gone now. Maybe someday, if you reflect on it enough and understand, you can give me a new one...

--LT

I scored 67%. He added that that he expected better from me and that I made basic mistakes. I did pass but I still came home and cried. I expect better from myself- but all I can do is all I can do. Just another internal test on thursday. And exam on tuesday to get through.

102 hours!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

thank you for your email and for offering me an extra session even tho I can't make it because of work.

safe travels today. see you Sunday

me

Well, I've written out some notes about the events of last week, but I'm still not sure I'll actually be able to say the words. Please help me navigate my feelings about all this.

I regret the email. Now I don't even wanna see you, you seem ******. I'm not interested in this version of you

I could email you and you'd have to reply cos you promised you always would? Hmm... I could just check that you're there.

It's okay, I'm not gonna.

i hope you magically have a cancellation for thu or fri, and find out soon. i do feel a little better writing all of it down last night, and if i have to, it can wait until monday. i am going to be so effing nervous. i already plan on pacing the parking lot while you read it.

Ugh, T, that really stunk.

I don't understand how to be a therapy client, even though I make a space to be one in my over scheduled life and it means so much to me. I am more clear on the past, and less likely to slip around in time, but I am crushingly sad in a way I've never been, and you seem for all the world indifferent to that or perhaps your clients are always like that so it is your normal. I hate the feeling there is no lifeguard , and no one is watching.

That email detered me from ever discussing feelings with you again. Good thing I've spent a lifetime keeping them in. We need to just work on phobia stuff.

Dreading seeing you now.

This response by your T is scaring me vicariously, so I can't even imagine how it is for you. I do get tough love, and I get being brutally honest, but "creepy" isn't a fair word or a safe word.

T2,

After a week I finally get an email from you. And then it only says ''I'll get back to your email as soon as possible''. WTF! You know how dissappointed that is. It was only a short email. And you didn't even reply to that email about an appointment. So that means I'll have no therapy this week. Why do I even keep going. Why do I want you as a T. I know I shouldn't. You've made too many mistakes, it had and still has a bad effect on me. I'm the worst I've ever been. While I tried so hard to be honest and open in therapy. You just aren't a good T. You don't have enough knowledge. And you aren't willing to talk about the relationship, while it's needed. Why can't you just be open and honest. That would work better than how you're handling things now. I've told you before. But you ... I don't know what it is. How can I, if you aren't willing to talk about it. I hate that so much about T's. Just blame everthing on the client and the clients issues, instead of looking at yourself and what kind of T you are.

Dear T,
Still processing today's session. I think I ultimately appreciate your honesty? At least in saying that I have an effect on you. I think...maybe before I thought you were really detached? And just wanted to avoid any sort of client emotional attachment for that reason? But...I got a different sense from you today. It felt like you really care and really want what's best for me, even if the route there is potentially painful. It seemed like you were really fighting for me, if that makes sense. Like you're really in my corner. Even if maybe you didn't give me what I wanted. Because...maybe what I wanted is just repeating old patterns and wouldn't get me anywhere. An apology still would have been nice though...

I also appreciate you offering that I could check in via e-mail later this week to let you know how I'm doing, since I canceled Thursday to come in today. I'll do my best to hold out till Monday, but who knows how I'll be feeling, say, 2 days from now.

--LT

PS: Don't make me regret this...

I have a lot to address with you tomorrow. I'm sad and scared. Please don't say you feel stuck.