Friends/Contact after termination

I would like to hear any stories or insights from anyone that has maintained a friendship or other sort of relationship with their therapist after termination - did it work out? My therapist and I have grown close and have to terminate our therapy for another unavoidable reason and would both like to maintain our relationship. She is a great person and we have a lot in common, same age, taste in clothes, movies, theatre. To be clear - this is a platonic relationship - nothing more.

If you'd both like to keep in contact and can agree to the conditions of what the contact would look like, then there shouldn't be a problem. Only you know the relationship you share and whether it would be of benefit to maintain it. I'm not familiar with any professional guidance on such situations in Scotland, but I would expect your T does, and it's something to talk about with her. I think it's a good thing to talk through before you part.

I've kept a relationship with my former T for 30 years, and it's been a rewarding experience for both of us.

It would be well worth looking for this subject here on PC. There are threads (some very recent) that go deeply into this subject with opinions and experiences all over the place. You have to be prepared for your relationship with them to change from the one you had in therapy. Things they don't do in therapy like complain or get angry or get whiny they very well may do outside of therapy because that's how people in everyday life react. Also in a friendship it's not going to be all about you anymore.

If you're just looking to stay in email touch, for instance, that's a whole other thing.

I maintained friendship with my therapist for about 3 years after therapy termination (the therapy also lasted about 3 years). It didn't end up well. I ended up getting severely traumatized and eventually reported the therapist to the licensing board. He was found guilty of unprofessional conduct and, even though he managed to retain his license, he was reprimanded in other ways by the board.

This is a very long story. I neither have the desire nor the time to go into details. I just wanted to let you know that more often than not hanging out with therapists after therapy termination doesn't end up well. It's not just my experience. I've heard many stories from other people with sad endings. So, be careful.

I understand that there might be situations when switching roles after therapy ended may not be harmful, but there are factors to consider:

1) As it was mentioned before, the relationship will change and you don't know exactly how the change would feel. It will now be a two-way street when you are not going to get the same attention, compassion, empathy as you used to get in therapy. Now the therapist will not feel professionally obligated to provide you with the same emotional "goodies" as when they were in the professional role. Now she would expect to get some of those "goodies" from you (otherwise she wouldn't want to have friendship after therapy termination).

2) If at any point she doesn't like something, she can and, most likely will, end the relationship abruptly without any ethical obligation to process the ending with you and to give you referrals to other professionals so you'd continue to receive assistance.

3) Once you start seeing each other socially, the relationship will never go back to professional. One of the reasons therapists are discouraged to socialize with clients after termination is because they are supposed to keep their door open if the client decides to consult with them again in the future. After friendship starts it'd be impossible for the former client to ever get professional help from the former therapist. (in all honesty, if the therapist wants to meet with the client socially right after termination, I doubt their professionalism to begin with).

All in all, licensing boards normally frown upon having friendship with clients after termination, even though they don't outright forbid it. As I said, my therapist was disciplined by the board exactly for that, because, after the investigation, they concluded that it was a bad clinical judgment on his part and that the decision to start a personal relationship exploited my vulnerability.

If he waited for a year or so before starting a friendship with me, I don't think he would've been disciplined. It's much "cleaner" from the ethical standpoint when the therapist and the client give themselves a long enough time to make an emotional ending of their professional relationship, to cool their heads and THEN decide if it's still a good idea to meet again in social settings. In your case, just like in mine, you and your therapist want to jump into a new kind of relationship right away before enough time has passed for the therapy relationship to come to its natural emotional ending. Not a wise choice if you ask me, just like it wasn't a wise choice in my case.

So, I'd advice you to reflect upon what I've said. Be careful and think twice before you do it.

I did it with the first therapist I ever tried. We shared a hobby and had dinner/went to the movies at times. It was just normal. No drama. It went on until she moved to the west coast to be close to her children. It was not a big deal.

Not friendship but I have maintained some level of email contact with my last therapist after ending sessions for more than a year. He actually said when I decided to quit therapy that he thought "we were not done yet", which I disagreed with at the time but kept having urges to email every know and then. I was conflicted about it (no longer paying but still bothering him) but he said several times that he was happy to hear from me. I had no interest to become friends with him and would have refrained from that even if he offered, just used the emails as a sort of dumping ground - for acting out impulses to share sometimes developments in my life other times just random stuff. Never for support or venting. He also shared some things about himself but very minimally - the whole post-therapy email contact basically maintained the same structure as my formal therapy and I had no desire to change that. I found it useful for a while because I had an email compulsion before that had mostly dissipated (we worked on that with this T), but I could act out the remnants of it every now and then without consequences. I never had any significant interest in his life, it became really just yet another tool for me and he never objected, so I used it. Sometimes I ask if he could recommend other professional services (e.g. financial advisor, real estate) as we are ~in the same socioeconomic class and live similar lifestyles. He never asked my assistance in anything and never contacted me without me initiating it so, again, it's pretty much the same one-sided style as while in formal therapy, just purely virtual and much more infrequent. I have not felt a need/urge to email him for a while now.

As I said I would not want to have friendship (or any sort of relationship) with a therapist other than the above. I could always easily imagine my last T as a friend if we met in a different setting, but not after the T-client experience. Outside of occasional emails, I could maybe imagine being in a discussion group with him about something that interests both of us (I know that we share many interests) but nothing more personal and I would not initiate anything else but emails. The post-therapy communication never had any negative effect on me and, as I said, I found it moderately useful. It never turned into any sort of interpersonal drama, but we also never had that while I was in therapy with him. All very easy and no role changes so I think I could go back to using him as a T again and it would be the same. I don't plan to do that though, no reason or desire for it.

What you have is essentially what I'd like with my T as my therapy will end with me moving countries though our work is nowhere near "done".

I asked her if I could email her with developments about my life after I move, I explained that I do not want email therapy for ethical reasons, and also expressed the strong wish that I not lose her as the first stable and consistent figure in my life.

She agreed and said while she might not reply swiftly, that she would be willing to "always" reply.

I haven't discussed with her if her email will be her hospital work email or her personal email. If it's the first, I assume I will lose the ability to email her once she leaves the job.

My best experience with maintaining contact after termination has been to keep that contact in the context of this person is and will always be my therapist.

I've shared my experiences on here with attempting to be friends with my ex-therapist who I call "S." It's been excruciatingly painful, and I seriously get hurt by it far more than I like to admit -- but it feels too hard to completely let him go.

After S left, I saw another therapist -- "J." When I terminated with J, we left the lines of communication open. He told me he would love updates and that I was welcome to come back for catch-up sessions or anything like that. He even became my back-up therapist for when my current therapist is away (though I've yet to use him as one). I sent him a catch-up email at Thanksgiving thanking him for being my support during one of the hardest times in my life -- losing S as a therapist -- and giving him some info on how I was.

My termination with J is the ideal for me -- I don't feel like we "terminated." I feel like the door is still open, like he's still there as a support in my life if I need him. I don't think back on my ending therapy with him with any sadness.

My attempt at being friends with S, though, is hugely unhealthy, and I don't recommend attempting a friendship with a therapist because I know how hurt I've been by my attempt. All the work we did in therapy is now tainted and ruined in my heart as it all feels faked -- S is not the person he presented himself to be/I imagined him to be based on my interactions with him -- even though we had everything in common.

I think if you were to want to maintain a friendship, my best advice would be to at least wait like a year before trying. Give the former relationship time to be fully "closed" before attempting to start a new one.

Interesting. I had a fixed term (3mos) therapy with a psychiatrist for a CBT program. While she was not overly friendly during our sessions, she did give me a hug at the end of my last session combined with a wish that all go well and invitation to make additional sessions should I have a need to revisit the program.

Since the therapy ended there have been a number of ocassions we have bumped into one another. The demeanor of these instances has been based entirely on whether one or the other of us has been accompanied by another. If someone else has been present she has treated me as a colleage. If however it has just been the two of us, she has given me a hug and enquired as to how I am doing much like two acquaintances would. I must say, I find this uncomfortable.

Personally I don't think it matters whether it's weeks or a year if a therapist and client terminate to begin a friendship. This thread shows it works and doesn't work for some. I believe, if the bulk of the work you needed the therapist for is not completed, or a plan in place to finish the process, either on your own or with another therapist, problem can arise more easily.

I am quoting my exact response to the thread: Coping With The Longing to be Friends

( tiled:https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...g-friends.html)

"I guess I should consider myself lucky that my former therapist, who has a reputation as being ethical therapist by her colleagues and myself, was willing to take the chance with me as a client and now as a friend and former client.

When I was in therapy, we were NOT friends. She said I need a therapist more than I need a friend. She left me with the uncertainty she could say No to a friendship after therapy. She would definitely have said no if I ended treatment prematurely. I knew without a doubt when I told her I was ready to terminate therapy and spread my wings I was okay with her saying NO to a future friendship.

I am grateful she was willing to take a chance in having me as a friend. Everything she ever did with me in therapy was taking a big chance. She takes chances with many of her clients if she feels it is in their best interest. She was sure of the work we did together to make it worth it to take a chance on friendship. She had not done it previously but knew of another therapist (and her husband) that formed a friendship with a couple that used to be clients. For me, in therapy itself the frame needed to be bent or broken in places to get me, her former client, to have a better life. A life that was not forced on me, but one I wanted. The relationship I have now with her is a bonus

I don't think it would have made a difference in my emotional health if she agreed to a friendship twenty-five years later or a month later. When she greenlighted our friendship, she told me to take a month to think about it because we could not go back once we changed the status. We have been friends for 4 1/2 years, and our friendship is always evolving for the better.

As far as an imbalance in the relationship there is not one. Maybe, that's a sign my therapist did her job well enough, I have no regrets, even if most ethical therapist would not journey down this road."

Thank you all for your insightful replies, I appreciate it. There seems to be a lot of conflicting opinions and experiences on the subject. If we were to maintain a relationship I think that it would mirror in some degree our previous dynamic, and that is how I see this person, as somewhat of a mentor. It would be taking a chance and I suppose we would have to see how it goes and adjust gradually. I understand that the relationship will be more give and take and won't be focused solely on my well-being any more but I am ok with that. I am ok with having something real, along with the challenges that might bring. I didn't idealise my therapist during our work together in any case. The post above by AttachmentesBueno really hits the nail on the head and mirrors a lot of my experiences with my therapist. She too has taken many chances with me, but always carefully considered and always with my best interests at heart. I don't say it lightly when I say that this person facilitated huge positive change in my life and will always be very dear to me. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to help people in the way she does - she has really inspired me.

I know there are issues around our contact and relationship after terminating, I am acutely aware of that and am very conscious of her professional ethics that she adheres to and her professional reputation also, especially as we have some mutual friends. I understand that post termination contact may be frowned upon by some therapists. At the same time, we both get on very well and have a real and strong bond that we both would like to keep.

We have discussed this at length as it is new territory for both of us. We both have family, friends, interests, work - so this desire to be a part of eachothers life in some way is not coming from a place of loneliness or trying to fill a hole that exists. We have not had a therapy session for 4 months now and we are both conflicted about what to do. I had to grieve for the loss of our therapeutic relationship which was difficult in itself.

This totally hits the nail on the head for me and is exactly how I feel -

"For me, in therapy itself the frame needed to be bent or broken in places to get me, her former client, to have a better life. A life that was not forced on me, but one I wanted. The relationship I have now with her is a bonus"

Lots to consider. Thanks again.

My therapist has told me several times we will always be a part of each others lives, even when we are little old ladies.

I agree there might be problems if therapy is not properly finished or the expectations and reality won't match after all. But sometimes things are just not so difficult and complicated. It sounds like both of you are giving it a lot of thought, and sometimes people just belong to each others lives.

I have been friends with my former therapist for about 2 years now. I am glad that we have kept up a reltionship and wouldn’t go back and change anything— but it has been somewhat disappointing. The relationship being a two-way street hasn’t been issue; that part has been good. What has been disappointing is that she feels like a different person in and out of therapy. In therapy, she was always attentive, caring, and generous and I had every reason to believe that was just “her” and she would be the same way as a friend. But, as a friend, she’s flakey and inconsiderate. I still think she cares— but she isn’t good at the follow through and it’s been hurtful. Not harmful or unethical— just disappointing. I didn’t put her on a pedestal during therapy either, so that isn’t the issue. The issue is that if I met her as she is, as a friend, I would not have been interested in the friendship. She cancels a lot, she gets overwhelmed with life a lot, when she initiates a conversation, we talk up a storm— when I do, she may never respond. She can’t identify her own unhealthy relationship patterns and doesn’t seem to possess the kind of insight I assumed she would have as a therapist. She fights with her family a lot. She’s dealing with lawsuits and other issues. She isn’t put together and, if she wanted to confide in me about it, that would be fine— but it’s more like she just doesn’t want to deal with it or acknowledge it. It gets frustrating as a friend. I still appreciate all of the things she did for me as my therapist and the fact that I can still update her on my life and see how she’s doing. I still consider a friend. But we are definitely not as close as we used to be. Even though I know her much better now as a person, I feel like we lost the close connection we used to have. It still shows up in moments, but not as often. Still, I would start the friendship all over again if I were given the choice to go back in time— because I wouldn’t have believed the realty if you told me. I had to experience it for myself. And it gave me time to grieve the relationship that I really lost.

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Hugs