I hate my t!
%#@&#!!

I was (trying) to be all mature about him seeing my friend.
Me: 'I don't mind that he sees my friend. I mean, he is going to be seeing other people anyway. What does it matter if he is taking time to see my friend or if he is taking time to see a perfect stranger? Makes no difference to me. Could make a lot of difference to my friend. I'm going to be all mature about this'.

HE %#@&#! WELL CALLED MY FRIEND AND ARRANGED AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIM EVEN WHEN HE %#@&#! WELL DIDN'T HAVE THE %#@&#! TIME TO RESPOND TO MY EMAIL! %#@&#!! I HATE HIM.

I hate him
I hate him
:-(

When I first saw him.. I saw his eyes light up when he heard I was a PhD student. But I've referred a %#@&#! person with an academic position to him and you should have seen his eyes light up. I hate him :-( I hate him :-( I hate him :-( He doesn't love me anymore :-(

:-(

I want to send him an email. Dare me? Double dare me? Double double dare me?

Dear t,

You suck at emails. That sucks for me because I'm supposed to go to this other city early next year for a month or two. And I'm supposed to go to another country late next year for a whole year. And I didn't want to go... Because of you. And I hoped that we could stay in touch via email while I was gone and that that would make the whole thing manageable for me. But you suck at emails. And you don't seem to have any desire to get better with them. And so that really sucks for me. Because I'm going to lose you. And then I'll fall apart. And that really sucks.

Do you feel trapped? When I was expressing admiration for Lewis I was expressing admiration for how he managed to take something that seemed so obviously crazy and he managed to argue for it so well that it might actually be true after all. You said something about 'I guess that view would be appealing... I mean, so often we feel trapped... And to think that possible worlds might exist...'

Do you feel trapped? Trapped in your life sometimes? Does my dependency make you feel trapped too? Is that why you find it appealling that people might be quite self-sufficient and highly functional. Not dependent on you? Does my dependency disgust you?

:-(

I hate me :-(

Well I did. So there :-p

And now I'm off to conference for a couple days.

Adios peoples.

(don't mind me i'm just all emotional because i've had a really stressful / pressured day finishing my talk)

[sunrise]

Alex

I hope you can tell your T how you truly feel about him seeing your friend. It's so important.

Good luck with your talk at the conference.

[Mouse_]

{{AK}} I am glad you sent that email. They say we attract situations to us so that we may learn from them. I'm not sure just how deep I believe that, BUT having said this, I think this a great oppertunity for you to work through your pain! Let us know how it goes ok!

[pachyderm]

Double dare.

But I guess you did already (Alex).

thanks guys.
yeah, i sent it.
i just... i dunno.
indifference.
i dunno.
his move.
i expect he won't really think of it until thursday evening (night before our next scheduled session)
then will send me a txt or something.
i dunno.
i'm gonna hide for a bit methinks.