[AnnaBegins]

Has anyone here ever had to tell a long-term T that you didn't trust them anymore because of stuff they did - falling out, rupture, etc.? Wondering how people got up the courage to do it, how they did it, how their T reacted and whether or not the T was willing to put in the hard work all over again to earn your trust back...

[healinginprogress]

Not exactly the same, but I did tell my T (of over 2.5 years) that I didn't fully trust her in general, related to a small rupture. She handled it well, took the responsibility in needing to earn my trust and acknowledged and validated why I have such a hard time trusting, even her.

[stopdog]

I would not bother to tell them if I expected the therapist to care. I have not met one who would. I am not saying telling the therapist is a bad plan, but I would not expect a therapist to do anything in response.

[missbella]

The underlying issue(s) that destroyed the trust might be the larger problems to discuss. As you discuss them, if you have, I assume you'll get a sense if your therapist is fragile and inflexible or with capacity to learn. If the therapist has any acuity at all, he should know that a rupture will damage the relationship.

Unfortunately, mine was defensive and imperious and thought he could intimidate me back into submission.

Generally though, I don't think it a good idea to surrender judgment completely to anyone . No human being is perfect, and will unfailingly act in our interests.

[Thalassophile]

Trust comes up a lot for me! I have difficulties trusting my T has it took me a long time to even start to do so. At times the trust completely disappears for various reasons and we struggle to get it back. There are many times when I do not trust him at all and I have told him so! I mean intellectually I do but some part of me doesn't for whatever reason. He never seems annoyed or frustrated by it though and we often talk through it so I feel safe bringing it up.

Depending on what you are in therapy for it is very likely that your therapist expects trust to ebb and flow. If trust issues are part of your childhood it would only be understandable that you lose it easily. Trust is such a huge part of the process. It would be helpful to find a way to bring it up if it is an issue. Do you think your t is someone who would be understanding?

[maybeblue]

The only time I have ever gotten to the point where I truly had lost trust in a therapist, it was time to terminate. Although to be honest I'm not sure I ever really trusted him completely to begin with.

I think if you want to bring it up with him to see if he can/will work on the relationship it would be fine. However, you might have better luck if you approach it in a "when you said _________, I felt _________" format, and be very specific. If he doesn't know what he did he can't fix it. If you tell him what he did and he still won't fix it, then I think you really do have to consider if you are still getting anything from the relationship.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Some weeks ago my T said something that upset me. It felt like a statement that he could tell anyone, and I wanted to have something more personalized. I know this sounds minor, but added to other things that bothered me, I lost all trust I had in him. This is usual for me, it's all or nothing, I either see complete trust or the opposite. I can't tell you how I found the courage to tell him, I just went in and told him. Because I was upset, it was sort of easy to do.

He was very understanding, asked what he could have said instead, admitted that he could have done something different. Then he also explained how trust can fluctuate and how trust can be rebuilt, and that it can feel good and freeing to do so. And that therapy is a process and it's not supposed to be a constant stream of trust. We then also went into how similar things could happen with other people in my life, and what I could learn from that.

He definitely showed the will to work on getting the trust back. However, I have to admit it is also fairly easy to do that with me, if you own up to your mistakes you are usually fine.

At the end of therapy with my last therapist, I told her I didn’t trust her and that I felt like all she did the whole 8 years was blow smoke up my skirt and take my money. I was angry and terminated over text after 8 years. Tried 6 months later to get a session, but in response to that request she sent a form letter wishing me well-then I emailed the T who owns the practice my own termination letter cutting off any and all communication and that I wanted my records sent to me within 30 days. I honestly have not had any urges to contact her since then. It’s been since December 2016. I also never went back to therapy.

[toomanycats]

Yes, I have said that to my ex-T
I believe his response was something detached like "I'm sorry you feel that way"
He never takes ownership of anything

[coolibrarian]

I can only think of two times (in a decades-long T relationship) when my t said something hurtful to me, and she took responsibility for them, emailing me immediately after the session with apologies and explanation. I've never felt that I couldn't trust her.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T says because of my past, I'll always have trust issues.

[AnnaBegins]

Thanks for all the responses!

I honestly don't feel like I can talk to my T the same way I used to anymore because a lot of the stuff he's done over the past few months has completed destroyed most, if not all, of the trust I had for him. Every time I'm feeling SUI or fighting not to SH or am just plain "not doing so good", I can't make myself tell him about it, whether we're in session or not. I just keep hearing a voice in my head telling me that me being "too negative" drove a wedge into our relationship and caused all of his behaviors over the past few months and that if I tell him everything again like I used to, the same thing will happen.

I keep thinking about trying to find a new T because I really need help but...same voice says that the same thing will happen if I trust any T again to the point where I start telling them everything.

I wish I could tell my T what's going on and that he would apologize for the stuff he did that got us to this point - God knows I've apologized over and over and over again for everything I did wrong - and tell me that he wants to earn my trust back and is committed to doing so if I'm OK with that. But...I'm afraid to even start the conversation because I believe the reality is that he won't care about me enough to try to repair what he broke and will terminate me instead and won't lose any sleep over doing that.

Hate that I am so attached to someone who has hurt me so badly. Story of my life and why I tried to get therapy in the first place.

[SalingerEsme]

Your T is the one I worry most about bc he met with you in your car, and had that really unprofessional no show period. So many of the details are outside the ballpark of professional, and I really hope you start over with a very established T with great references and a good reputation. This is not in any way your fault.

[GeekyOne]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I keep thinking about trying to find a new T because I really need help but...same voice says that the same thing will happen if I trust any T again to the point where I start telling them everything.

I wish I could tell my T what's going on and that he would apologize for the stuff he did that got us to this point - God knows I've apologized over and over and over again for everything I did wrong - and tell me that he wants to earn my trust back and is committed to doing so if I'm OK with that. But...I'm afraid to even start the conversation because I believe the reality is that he won't care about me enough to try to repair what he broke and will terminate me instead and won't lose any sleep over doing that.

Hate that I am so attached to someone who has hurt me so badly. Story of my life and why I tried to get therapy in the first place.

Anna, I wonder if you could try seeing another therapist before ending with your current T. If you had a chance to build a relationship with someone else while still getting the support current T offers, that might help you feel stronger in having hard conversations with this T and ultimately decide if and how to end things with him. It would also mean you could go slowly with the new T because if it doesn’t work out you’re not left alone.

I don’t know if it’s feasible for you to see a second T, cost-wise and time-wise, but maybe worth considering?

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by GeekyOne

Anna, I wonder if you could try seeing another therapist before ending with your current T. If you had a chance to build a relationship with someone else while still getting the support current T offers, that might help you feel stronger in having hard conversations with this T and ultimately decide if and how to end things with him. It would also mean you could go slowly with the new T because if it doesnÂ’t work out youÂ’re not left alone.

I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s feasible for you to see a second T, cost-wise and time-wise, but maybe worth considering?

I keep thinking about this...afraid that I won't be able to find a new T that will allow some of the stuff that my old T allowed which helped me be able to trust him (texting in between sessions, checking in sometimes to see how I'm doing if they know things are particularly hard, working towards being able to end a session with a hug, etc.). I know I have attachment issues and I definitely need, if not necessarily want, a T who can establish safe boundaries for both of us...but I don't know if therapy will be successful for me without some degree of those other things...which is probably a problem in and of itself.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I keep thinking about this...afraid that I won't be able to find a new T that will allow some of the stuff that my old T allowed which helped me be able to trust him (texting in between sessions, checking in sometimes to see how I'm doing if they know things are particularly hard, working towards being able to end a session with a hug, etc.). I know I have attachment issues and I definitely need, if not necessarily want, a T who can establish safe boundaries for both of us...but I don't know if therapy will be successful for me without some degree of those other things...which is probably a problem in and of itself.

I have been with my current T for almost 3 years, and not once has she not been anything but professional with me. She allows texting in between sessions (though i only use that as a "i realllyyyyy need to talk to you asap", so rarely), she has checked in on me during hard times, and i know she does hugs--though i have never asked nor i don't think i would.

my last T who was not a good fit for me, but was professional also allowed all these things.

it is possible.

This has come up a few times in my sessions with t.
The first time she said she didn’t trust me, and I said well I don’t trust you either and I don’t think we should work together. This lead to a huge rupture. It took months and months to repair.
I still don’t think it is really worked out fully.
We never mentioned the t word again and it really shook me because I felt it came from a very strange place in t and it was just thrown at me without any consideration of the consequences.
She apologised after and blamed counter transference but I thought it was a little too convenient to blame everything on that.

[bobcat21]

I am thinking I don’t trust my T anymore and I’m seriously thinking is she playing some sort of mind games with me me? I saw her on Tuesday she said she would refill my antidepressant medication okay no worries. I patiently wait on Wednesday thinking okay I’ll get a text message from my pharmacy saying it is ready no it is not. I call them back saying can you please refill it ( it needs a doctor’s authorization to refill it) I knew this because that is why she said she was going to call in my medication to begin with. I patiently wait on Thursday she’s usually very quick with refill requests but again no text messages. I call them today and say would you please contact her again? I’m still waiting on that text message and to make matters worse I’m out of my antidepressant medication now. I used to trust her but this is really bad how can you mess up someone’s medication like that? I want to call her and say what are you doing I am starting to doubt you but I’m scared.