[Merope]

Does anyone else worry after they’ve sent an email to their T? I get this all the time...it takes me hours to edit what I want to say and then when I finally do send it I end up thinking or feeling a combination of:

1) Am I bothering him? Will he roll his eyes and sigh when he checks his inbox?

2) Will he think I’m silly/needy/stupid/annoying/too much?

3) Will he reply?

4) Maybe I shouldn’t have sent it...?

I worry bevause my T and I never had a discussion about emails. I never tend to send him much about how I’m feeling, just logistical stuff or recommendations about things that were brought up in session. Sometimes I email him something that I wanted to get across during the sesssion but was unable to verbalise coherently enough. I always try to keep them short but I’m worried that one day he’ll be like “stop emailing outside the session” and then I’ll end up feeling awful. It’s by no means a weekly thing—though I wish I could touch base with him more often. I need to feel connected with him beyond the one hour weekly session.

[DP_2017]

I did for ages, it was worse in the beginning... but he was very good about handling whatever and I called him out on some I didnt like. It got easier to feel less bothersome, however I've stopped emails because it became too much misunderstanding with us. Texting is easier for me but not everyone can do that. So yes, it's very relatable

Use to. But been with T so long and emailed so many times that I feel OK about emailing. I remember my very first T emails. I'd T didn't reply immediately I'd fall to pieces.
Now we can have a conversation that has hours between replys.

[lucozader]

Yes, I always get very anxious after I email, and then I desperately wait for a reply, and then generally when the reply does come it seems to confirm my fears. It's only once I see him in person that I feel okay about it.

That's why I generally don't email him. I crave that feeling of connection with him but it's not worth the anguish! I write them and leave them in my drafts folder, then share them with him in session where I can properly guage his reaction.

[wheeler]

Yes I definitely relate. I have been with my T for 2 years and react that way to some degree each time.
One thing that helps for me is talking about it with her. Just this past week we talked about how I edit for hours what I’m going to send her. She says I don’t have to analyze it so much. I probably still will.

[nottrustin]

I do. She always said of it was a problem she would say something. It still makes me nervous after all these years.

EMDR T says tells me to text if I need to. I have a couple of and she is wonderful. Butt still feel like I am bothering her.

I relate. I don't send that many anymore because I hate how I feel after I do! The wishing I hadn't sent it, while compulsively checking email every 30 seconds hoping for a response, the worry that I'm bothering her, etc.

[Salmon77]

Since you say you've never had a discussion about emails and this worries you, I'd say it's worth asking him about it—if he has a general policy about it, if your emails so far have been okay with him, etc. Only way you'll know is if you talk about it.

[LittleAfrica]

I relate with the emotions surrounding emailing. May I make a gentle suggestion? If I'm way off base you can just tell me to shove it. You seem to be in turmoil about your relationship with your therapist in general. It isn't just emailing. Do you think you could try to talk about the relationship? Does your therapist seem to be the type that would be open to a discussion like this? I know the part of you worrying that he might leave is a bit tricky but there were some great ideas on how to ask him. That's all I can think of for now.

[Cantfindthewords]

I always have this horrible fear that my T rolls her eyes and can’t be arsed to read what I have written. I have huge issues that I am bothering her, but a lot of the time I can’t say what I want to, but can write it.

A few weeks ago she said, in the most sugar coated way possible, that perhaps I shouldn’t email her as it has data protection issues. She said she doesn’t mind a quick hey, just making sure your still there, anything “deep” is a no no. Must admit, last week I had a meltdown at work and she was the only person I felt i could reach out to and she basically talked me down out of a panic attack.

I also emailed her this week after having indulged in a few drinks and regret that! Drunk emails are never good! I read it back the next day and was mortified. Hope she doesn’t think I’m a drunk.

Absolutely. Every time I email and every time I say I won't do it again. But I do and everything starts all over.

Originally Posted by Merope

Does anyone else worry after they’ve sent an email to their T? I get this all the time...it takes me hours to edit what I want to say and then when I finally do send it I end up thinking or feeling a combination of:

1) Am I bothering him? Will he roll his eyes and sigh when he checks his inbox?

2) Will he think I’m silly/needy/stupid/annoying/too much?

3) Will he reply?

4) Maybe I shouldn’t have sent it...?

I worry bevause my T and I never had a discussion about emails. I never tend to send him much about how I’m feeling, just logistical stuff or recommendations about things that were brought up in session. Sometimes I email him something that I wanted to get across during the sesssion but was unable to verbalise coherently enough. I always try to keep them short but I’m worried that one day he’ll be like “stop emailing outside the session” and then I’ll end up feeling awful. It’s by no means a weekly thing—though I wish I could touch base with him more often. I need to feel connected with him beyond the one hour weekly session.

Six years ago, I never even new you could email a therapist. My former therapist mentioned that she had another client that used to email her. I was having a difficult time one night and went to a coffee shop and just started writing and sending emails, five that night. I then think of something else and send two or three more before I get out all I want to say. I originally spent hours editing but now I tend to send them as soon as I write them, mistakes and all or I would never send them. My therapist advised me to not edit and just send them. The next morning I had a session and apologized for all the emails. She said it was not a problem for her. She did let me know that sometimes she may not be able to read or respond to them in a timely manner or at all. Also, if there was something that was very important to me that I needed to make that clear in the subject line. She read all and responded to ~ 2/3; there were many.

I don't believe my previous therapist or current therapist would be so attentive to my emails if I was just giving logistics. Usually, when it is scheduling or something in a similar vein it can take 24-48 hours for them to respond.

My angst about emails for the first 8 months was because of all of the issues on PC that people were having with their therapist. My fear of what was happening to the people on this forum was going to happen to me. This was a running fear, even after I was comfortable with the fact that she would not abandon me. If therapy wasn't working it would not be a unilateral decision on her part to terminate; we would keep slogging away.

PC magnified my fears about outside communication. I wonder if that is not happening to you. It's a real fear given some of our backgrounds and also what has happened to many poster here. But, unless you have an ongoing dialogue about the emails with your therapist my thought is your angst will not let up. Maybe, that could be the subject of your next email.

I post some of my emails, from my former and current therapist, in a thread to help me get through a difficult period that I am having at this moment. I get few responses, but it helps me reread and process the post like I do all of the post that I read. If you read a few you will see that at no time has the therapists seemed irritated. This is the same feeling I get in sessions and in get togethers with my former therapist. My other reason for posting is that I hope others will see that some therapists do not respond to a lot of outside contact negatively.

I process a lot from dialoguing about my feelings through email, even if the therapist does not respond.

Good luck to you Merope in moving forward with your therapist.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by LittleAfrica

I relate with the emotions surrounding emailing. May I make a gentle suggestion? If I'm way off base you can just tell me to shove it. You seem to be in turmoil about your relationship with your therapist in general. It isn't just emailing. Do you think you could try to talk about the relationship? Does your therapist seem to be the type that would be open to a discussion like this? I know the part of you worrying that he might leave is a bit tricky but there were some great ideas on how to ask him. That's all I can think of for now.

Thank you for this. I think I am in turmoil over any meaningful relationship in my life--it's something that I work on in therapy so he's aware of it, though perhaps not how it relates to him in particular (he does, however, know I worry he'll abandon me and he also knows about my paternal transference). I would feel a little awkward to talk about the relationship--he certainly doesn't seem like the type of T who would encourage such a discussion (something to do with not fostering dependency I think, given his therapeutic approach). That being said, every time I did bring the relationship up, it went much better than I thought it would. He's always been very accepting. Opening up to him about this sort of thing is a big thing for me, but I think I will muster up the courage to do it more.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

Six years ago, I never even knew you could email a therapist. My former therapist mentioned that she had another client that used to email her. I was having a difficult time one night and went to a coffee shop and just started writing and sending emails, five that night. I then think of something else and send two or three more before I get out all I want to say. I originally spent hours editing but now I tend to send them as soon as I write them, mistakes and all or I would never send them. My therapist advised me to not edit and just send them. The next morning I had a session and apologized for all the emails. She said it was not a problem for her. She did let me know that sometimes she may not be able to read or respond to them in a timely manner or at all. Also, if there was something that was very important to me that I needed to make that clear in the subject line. She read all and responded to ~ 2/3; there were many.

I don't believe my previous therapist or current therapist would be so attentive to my emails if I was just giving logistics. Usually, when it is scheduling or something in a similar vein it can take 24-48 hours for them to respond.

My angst about emails for the first 8 months was because of all of the issues on PC that people were having with their therapist. My fear of what was happening to the people on this forum was going to happen to me. This was a running fear, even after I was comfortable with the fact that she would not abandon me. If therapy wasn't working it would not be a unilateral decision on her part to terminate; we would keep slogging away.

PC magnified my fears about outside communication. I wonder if that is not happening to you. It's a real fear given some of our backgrounds and also what has happened to many poster here. But, unless you have an ongoing dialogue about the emails with your therapist my thought is your angst will not let up. Maybe, that could be the subject of your next email.

I post some of my emails, from my former and current therapist, in a thread to help me get through a difficult period that I am having at this moment. I get few responses, but it helps me reread and process the post like I do all of the post that I read. If you read a few you will see that at no time has the therapists seemed irritated. This is the same feeling I get in sessions and in get togethers with my former therapist. My other reason for posting is that I hope others will see that some therapists do not respond to a lot of outside contact negatively.

I process a lot from dialoguing about my feelings through email, even if the therapist does not respond.

Good luck to you Merope in moving forward with your therapist.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think you are right about other people's issues on PC influencing me. Whenever I read a good account of someone's therapeutic relationship, I immediately imagine myself and T. Equally, when I read something scary (rejection/termination) I immediately imagine how I would feel in that situation. So yes, I guess I do worry a bit more because of this.

I've never done therapy before now, so I knew nothing about people getting attached to their therapists before it happened to me. I realise now that therapy is a lot more layered and complicated than I thought it would be the first time I walked through his door. It's a professional, boundaried relationship that is also incredibly intimate and vulnerable--and this somewhat paradoxical element throws me off a little. I think this is why I am anxious over emails; on the one hand, given the intimate/vulnerable nature of our relationship, I want to reach out whenever I feel like I have something to say and not worry about pestering him. However, I also know that he is not my friend/parent/conscience and I must not cross boundaries or become too much. I just find it all very strange. I also know that if I wouldn't have paternal transference, I probably wouldn't give a flying f*&k about what he thinks of my emails/ me in general. In fact, I was very sceptical after the first session I had with him because I didn't think that we clicked and I found it all rather awkward. But then he said "see you next week?" and I kept coming, week after week until all my layers were removed and I was sitting in front of him feeling more bare and vulnerable and defective than I ever did before. But he didn't run, so I got attached. Of course, I got attached. And he's still here now, so of course, I think I love him. It's a bit like the little kid in me recognises him as her father and is confused by all the grown-up rules she has to follow. And the little kid in me still expects him to one day just pack his bags and leave, because that is what all the significant men in her life have done.

So I worry about making mistakes. I worry about how I come across in emails, how I come across in sessions, what he really thinks of me. I worry because if he were to leave too, I would still think that it would be my fault.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

Six years ago, I never even new you could email a therapist. My former therapist mentioned that she had another client that used to email her. I was having a difficult time one night and went to a coffee shop and just started writing and sending emails, five that night. I then think of something else and send two or three more before I get out all I want to say. I originally spent hours editing but now I tend to send them as soon as I write them, mistakes and all or I would never send them. My therapist advised me to not edit and just send them. The next morning I had a session and apologized for all the emails. She said it was not a problem for her. She did let me know that sometimes she may not be able to read or respond to them in a timely manner or at all. Also, if there was something that was very important to me that I needed to make that clear in the subject line. She read all and responded to ~ 2/3; there were many.

I don't believe my previous therapist or current therapist would be so attentive to my emails if I was just giving logistics. Usually, when it is scheduling or something in a similar vein it can take 24-48 hours for them to respond.

My angst about emails for the first 8 months was because of all of the issues on PC that people were having with their therapist. My fear of what was happening to the people on this forum was going to happen to me. This was a running fear, even after I was comfortable with the fact that she would not abandon me. If therapy wasn't working it would not be a unilateral decision on her part to terminate; we would keep slogging away.

PC magnified my fears about outside communication. I wonder if that is not happening to you. It's a real fear given some of our backgrounds and also what has happened to many poster here. But, unless you have an ongoing dialogue about the emails with your therapist my thought is your angst will not let up. Maybe, that could be the subject of your next email.

I post some of my emails, from my former and current therapist, in a thread to help me get through a difficult period that I am having at this moment. I get few responses, but it helps me reread and process the post like I do all of the post that I read. If you read a few you will see that at no time has the therapists seemed irritated. This is the same feeling I get in sessions and in get togethers with my former therapist. My other reason for posting is that I hope others will see that some therapists do not respond to a lot of outside contact negatively.

I process a lot from dialoguing about my feelings through email, even if the therapist does not respond.

Good luck to you Merope in moving forward with your therapist.

I can really relate to what you wrote. I was already emailing T on a regular basis when I came to PC.. I always worried about emailing not not because I feard she would abandin me because she always insisted it was okayy. It was more my constant fear of being to needy or two dependent and pushing her away. So yeah we talked about it a lot. She always said if it became an issue she would tell me. Not long ago she did just that. She told me she feared I was to dependent on emailing, it had been become my first coping skill. She wanted me to cut back on emails. What she didn't realize is how much I was struggling (I hide it from everybody when I am really bad). We talked Bout where I waz and what coping skills I was utilizing. Yeah it triggered my abandonment issues and fear of being to much. We discussed that as well. It was painful and triggered a lot but we got through it and it was a growing experience for me.