[mostlylurking]

After seeing my T for three years, and having a rupture over the past two weeks, my T and I suddenly ended yesterday.

The first two years we were mostly dealing with self-esteem issues dating back to harmful things that happened to me in late childhood / adolescence. He told me the second time I saw him, and approximately 200 times since then, that he is not a trauma therapist. That may be true by training, but after being a T for 25 years, he must have had a clue, because he helped me process trauma and he handled both positive and negative transference brilliantly. He was calm, kind, and consistent -- really consistent.

For the past year we've been more focused (though certainly not exclusively) on a new issue he's even less qualified to handle, but since it arose two years into therapy we've been dealing with it. Suddenly though, he's decided it's a major problem that he's so unqualified for this on paper. I knew it was a significant rupture.

Two sessions ago I walked out and I was so angry it seemed necessary to say "I will still come back next week."

Last session -- literally the last session there will be -- was yesterday. I had decided to put the rupture behind me, I decided I could be okay with it and just move on. But he was very odd. He seemed down, depressed, nervous, hesitant. He had looks going across his face I have never seen before and don't know how to interpret. After I got done talking he said he could listen but he wasn't sure he had anything to offer, that he has no expertise, that he's not sure in what way he can benefit me. I know what that means in therapist-speak, "I'm not sure I can be of service to you." Coming this far into therapy, it means goodbye.

I both started to cry and got wryly amused at the same time. I said "This is like when you've been considering breaking up with someone and instead they break up with you." He said he was afraid I would take it that way.

I don't think there was any other way to take it. He was all but refusing to talk to me, other than to say "I'm not sure what I can offer" nine different ways. I really think he believes this, I think either he consulted with someone or he read something that made him think he wasn't being ethical in seeing me about this.

Finally he said "I'm not sure this is helpful to you," and I got very angry. I have told him multiple times during the rupture just how helpful he has indeed been, and why and in what ways. I got up, put on my coat, got my keys out -- I was muttering about not having had any idea this was a termination session -- and then I said "This is just like I said last week, your opinion of my therapy is more important than my opinion. So fine, we'll go with yours then!" and I walked out early. He sat there looking shocked and I felt like, dude, how can you be shocked? For two weeks you have said your professional opinion is more important than my experience as a client!

I had emailed him previously and said this, regarding our rupture:

Because you ultimately have all the power and you have made a decision (out of the blue) that hurts me under the pretense that it benefits me, I also have all my fears of being suddenly terminated back again. Who's to say you wouldn't suddenly decide termination is for my sake as well, and my own thoughts would be worth naught, as they are here?

So after I walked out I emailed him that same excerpt and said "I was exactly right. This is exactly what you did."

He wrote back and said he wasn't asking me to terminate therapy, but he had absolutely re-evaluated our work together in light of his lack of training and experience. I was thinking "Right, you want me to say I'm ending it but really you are."

He was so bizarre in that last session that I said "You're a totally different person than you were two weeks ago!" and he actually said he agreed, he'd been rethinking our work together. I can't go back to him even for one last session because I never want to see this weird, stiff, nervous, depressed version of him again. I don't know what the hell happened but it's important to me to preserve in my mind who he was -- very very consistently -- for three years before this sudden oddity.

So, it's over. And all I want to do is tell him things and send him emails. I can't stop myself thinking about what to say next session even though there is no next session. So I thought, if y'all don't mind, I will post them here and anyone else is welcome to post to former T's as well, though I know we also do that in the Dear T thread. [ETA: Thanks to anyone who actually read this far.]

[mostlylurking]

Dear Suddenly Former T,

After I left today I called my husband to tell him I wasn't your client anymore. I wasn't thinking about the fact that we used to come and see you as a couple, because we haven't in so long. I didn't expect him to be so upset. He said "What do we do now if we need counseling again?" This, in spite of the resistance he showed to coming with me.

I thought "Man, that's unexpected. I'll have to tell T about this next week."

And then I thought, Oh.

Right.

There is no next week.

[LabRat27]

I don't really have any insight to share or anything I could say to make it better, but I just wanted to let you know that I read it and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I hope you're able to eventually find some internal closure with it and heal, but it's obviously not a small thing and your hurt is completely understandable.

[Amyjay]

That sounds so hard and traumatic. Really awful.
I just wanted to say... it sounds like you still have a lot of stuff to process about this. Even if you do terminate (stay terminated?) I think it is probably possible to go back and talk again, process what is happening, still talk out this ending a bit more. I know it probably doesn't feel like it is a possibility at all right now because of ... shock perhaps. I just want to say that there might be a way to redo the ending. For your benefit. Not his.

[lucozader]

Damn... I'm so sorry. It's strange that he seems to have made the decision that this is 'the best thing' for you, when it's so clear that you felt he was helping you and that things ending this way is actually really traumatic for you.

I don't know if this helpful and I'm aware it might make you feel worse instead, I'm really sorry if that's the case, but I wonder if he has countertransference issues of some sort that he can't openly address with you but that are making it too difficult for him to continue working with you. It could also be that the issue you have been trying to process is something that has a really strong personal resonance for him in some way, and that is making it too hard for him to continue. I also wonder if his supervisor has perhaps ordered him to shut down on this - if it's actually their opinion that it's unethical, rather than his. Anyway, to me his weird, sad anxiousness suggests that there might be stuff going on that he isn't able to share with you.

I don't mean to defend his actions by saying those things. It's clear that he hasn't handled this well. And maybe there's no point now in wondering why.

Anyway, I really feel for you.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

That sounds so hard and traumatic. Really awful.
I just wanted to say... it sounds like you still have a lot of stuff to process about this. Even if you do terminate (stay terminated?) I think it is probably possible to go back and talk again, process what is happening, still talk out this ending a bit more. I know it probably doesn't feel like it is a possibility at all right now because of ... shock perhaps. I just want to say that there might be a way to redo the ending. For your benefit. Not his.

I think he'd let me come back to do that if I asked. The trouble is that he was so different and awkward this last session -- he even agreed with me that he probably seemed like a totally different person -- and that in itself was disconcerting and very upsetting. The last email I sent, I said:

I will always, for the rest of my life, be very grateful to the old [T's name] and everything that he did for me.

I do not want to speak to this new [T's name] again. Please cancel my future appointments.

That's really how I feel. If I could go back and find closure with the T I knew for three years I absolutely would. But if I go in and I get the weird, stiff lawyerly man who was there on Wednesday, it would be like being re-traumatized. Even in email he's sent stereotyped pablum and lawyerly sounding BS -- it wasn't him. I feel like I need to hang on to my memory of him as he was before.

That all being said, I will keep your thoughts in mind because it is really hard to process this, it was so sudden.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I don't know if this helpful and I'm aware it might make you feel worse instead, I'm really sorry if that's the case, but I wonder if he has countertransference issues of some sort that he can't openly address with you but that are making it too difficult for him to continue working with you. It could also be that the issue you have been trying to process is something that has a really strong personal resonance for him in some way, and that is making it too hard for him to continue. I also wonder if his supervisor has perhaps ordered him to shut down on this - if it's actually their opinion that it's unethical, rather than his. Anyway, to me his weird, sad anxiousness suggests that there might be stuff going on that he isn't able to share with you.

It definitely has felt like he was not sharing the truth with me. I don't think it's the issue we've been addressing because that's quite unusual, and he doesn't have a supervisor, he has his own practice. Where I think the counter-transference might come in is that he may worry he's been seeing someone he's not qualified to see because he simply enjoyed having them as a client. (It is a really big deal for me to be able to say that -- that he did enjoy having me as a client. I couldn't have even entertained that thought at the beginning. He did say he has learned things from me about what clients go through because of my honesty with him, and I think that means he was glad to be seeing me. We certainly had a very comfortable, warm kind of rapport. And after all it has been three years.)

I think maybe he over-compensated. I imagine he thought "Maybe I've been self-serving in continuing to see mostlylurking, when I'm really not qualified," so he went to this extreme of cutting things off and being so stiff, because he thought he was being strict with himself. All he really did was hurt me, because I was highly satisfied with the support he was giving me, and I'm not even considering finding another T.

My daughter still sees him, so the morning after we terminated there I was in his waiting room again. I made eye contact with him when he came out to get her, and by the end of the session I was steeling myself to see him again because I'd been crying on and off the whole session. But when my daughter came out and I glanced up, he had not come out of his office, he'd shut the door. He never does this, he always walks out with clients, always. I think he didn't want to see me because it's painful. I wanted to email him a long, sappy "Please don't be sad" email but I didn't. I can't. I can't risk getting something cold and technical back in return.

I've tried to be very careful about what I've said to my daughter because she's finding therapy helpful for anxiety. I don't want her to think badly of him. But it means I'm hiding in my own house to cry.

[SalingerEsme]

This shocks me, and is so sad. I am really, really sorry! This should be completely unethical for him to do so suddenly with no hint. It is traumatizing in and of itself.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

After seeing my T for three years, and having a rupture over the past two weeks, my T and I suddenly ended yesterday.

The first two years we were mostly dealing with self-esteem issues dating back to harmful things that happened to me in late childhood / adolescence. He told me the second time I saw him, and approximately 200 times since then, that he is not a trauma therapist. That may be true by training, but after being a T for 25 years, he must have had a clue, because he helped me process trauma and he handled both positive and negative transference brilliantly. He was calm, kind, and consistent -- really consistent.

For the past year we've been more focused (though certainly not exclusively) on a new issue he's even less qualified to handle, but since it arose two years into therapy we've been dealing with it. Suddenly though, he's decided it's a major problem that he's so unqualified for this on paper. I knew it was a significant rupture.

Two sessions ago I walked out and I was so angry it seemed necessary to say "I will still come back next week."

Last session -- literally the last session there will be -- was yesterday. I had decided to put the rupture behind me, I decided I could be okay with it and just move on. But he was very odd. He seemed down, depressed, nervous, hesitant. He had looks going across his face I have never seen before and don't know how to interpret. After I got done talking he said he could listen but he wasn't sure he had anything to offer, that he has no expertise, that he's not sure in what way he can benefit me. I know what that means in therapist-speak, "I'm not sure I can be of service to you." Coming this far into therapy, it means goodbye.

I both started to cry and got wryly amused at the same time. I said "This is like when you've been considering breaking up with someone and instead they break up with you." He said he was afraid I would take it that way.

I don't think there was any other way to take it. He was all but refusing to talk to me, other than to say "I'm not sure what I can offer" nine different ways. I really think he believes this, I think either he consulted with someone or he read something that made him think he wasn't being ethical in seeing me about this.

Finally he said "I'm not sure this is helpful to you," and I got very angry. I have told him multiple times during the rupture just how helpful he has indeed been, and why and in what ways. I got up, put on my coat, got my keys out -- I was muttering about not having had any idea this was a termination session -- and then I said "This is just like I said last week, your opinion of my therapy is more important than my opinion. So fine, we'll go with yours then!" and I walked out early. He sat there looking shocked and I felt like, dude, how can you be shocked? For two weeks you have said your professional opinion is more important than my experience as a client!

I had emailed him previously and said this, regarding our rupture:

So after I walked out I emailed him that same excerpt and said "I was exactly right. This is exactly what you did."

He wrote back and said he wasn't asking me to terminate therapy, but he had absolutely re-evaluated our work together in light of his lack of training and experience. I was thinking "Right, you want me to say I'm ending it but really you are."

He was so bizarre in that last session that I said "You're a totally different person than you were two weeks ago!" and he actually said he agreed, he'd been rethinking our work together. I can't go back to him even for one last session because I never want to see this weird, stiff, nervous, depressed version of him again. I don't know what the hell happened but it's important to me to preserve in my mind who he was -- very very consistently -- for three years before this sudden oddity.

So, it's over. And all I want to do is tell him things and send him emails. I can't stop myself thinking about what to say next session even though there is no next session. So I thought, if y'all don't mind, I will post them here and anyone else is welcome to post to former T's as well, though I know we also do that in the Dear T thread. [ETA: Thanks to anyone who actually read this far.]

[mostlylurking]

Dear Suddenly Former T,

I dreamed about you the night after we terminated. I dreamt that your office was in some cold, high-altitude, gray little town where the streets were not cobblestone but big uneven boulders, hard to walk on and impossible to drive on.

Your waiting room, instead of being nice but minimalist, was positively Victorian with the amount of bookshelves, chests of drawers, chairs and stools, shelves of toys for different ages of children. It was beautiful in a lot of in-built dark wood, so full every wall was covered.

Inside your office your window was missing, in its place were ugly metal bracketed wall shelves, very clinical. I didn't spend any time in your office, I just saw it from the waiting room door. Your hair was different, it was longer and you had the worst case of hat-hair I've ever seen, it was flattened against your skull everywhere except a puffy fringe that went right around your head like Friar Tuck. Like a monk's. I didn't say anything to you nor you to me, and the dream ended.

There is so much in this I wish we could discuss. I'm dreaming about you every night, I could come back for a session just to discuss the dreams.

[LittleAfrica]

Wow just wow! I am so so sorry that this happened to you. How is this alright/ethical?! Argh, I am so angry on your behalf. I don't have any wisdom right now to share but just wanted to acknowledge your pain and show support.

[ruh roh]

I'm so sorry. I have been there. Fwiw, I do think that therapists act like this when they've gotten advice from colleagues who are looking out for them more so than the client. It doesn't have to be a formal supervision kind of relationship. In my experience, most therapists consult with colleagues in one way or another.

Regardless of what tipped the scales for him, you're the one that's been gutted, and that's all kinds of wrong.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm so sorry. I have been there. Fwiw, I do think that therapists act like this when they've gotten advice from colleagues who are looking out for them more so than the client. It doesn't have to be a formal supervision kind of relationship. In my experience, most therapists consult with colleagues in one way or another.

Regardless of what tipped the scales for him, you're the one that's been gutted, and that's all kinds of wrong.

I'm so sorry you've been here too. It's really awful.

It does feel like something external, outside my therapy, intruded somehow. He said he has re-evaluated things, but he was not, I think, re-evaluating anything within the therapy relationship itself. He was re-evaluating whether he met some outside criteria for "proper" therapy according to his credentials.

The collaborative process, empowering clients, focusing on the client's experience, trusting the process... it seems therapy slogans don't apply in my case.

[Anastasia~]

Mostlylurking,
I am so sorry this happened to you. I also had a difficult ending with my previous T and I know how painful it can be. I am glad you are posting and getting support here, as that really helped me when I was terminated.
Take care.

I am so very sorry this happened My heart just breaks for you. I know how devastating, shocking, confusing, hurftul, horrible this is because i went through it once too. i wish i had advice for you. i am just so sorry.

[mostlylurking]

Dear Suddenly Former T,

It is bitterly ironic that at the start of our rupture you mentioned "first do no harm." You don't really believe in first do no harm. What you believe in is:

First, make sure you have followed all professional and ethical guidelines and dotted all your i's and crossed all your t's so that no colleagues could ever look at your work on paper and find fault with you.

Then, if there is any leeway left after that, then I guess, y'know... try not to hurt your clients.

There, fixed it for you.

[retro_chic]

My last T did a similar thing to me. I had been talking about taking a break for therapy for about a month and decided to take a week off as a sort of trial. I came back after that still unsure of what I wanted to do. T then said that she had nothing more to offer me and that maybe we had come as far as we could together. I was very upset about this but managed get myself to go to a final termination session. At this final session I asked T if I could come back and see her again after my break at which point she told me she was closing her practice. I had no warning of this whatsoever and I think my T was hoping I would just leave on my own and she wouldn't have to tell me.

Anyway, the point is, I understand what you are going through. I am seeing a new T now and I think that has helped. I am still angry with my old T and trying to process it all but it is slowly getting easier. I hope things get easier for you soon too.

[mostlylurking]

Dear Suddenly Former T,

When you "re-evaluated our work together" was I included in any way in that analysis? Was my well-being, was the fact that I need extra support through the end of May, were my feelings, my thoughts, our history, our therapy relationship, what might happen to me if you terminated me suddenly -- was it even a consideration?

I don't think it was.

Could your constantly mentioning that you don't have trauma training possibly be related to the fact your wife is a trauma specialist, and you want to be deferential to her training and expertise? Yeah, now that I think was included. But not me.

I wasn't even seeing you for trauma.

Can I just say that again?

I was not seeing you for trauma.

You did this to me for no reason at all.

Don't you think that "expertise" should include your quarter century of experience, our 3 years that we spent together, or your track record of giving me critical support for a year and three months about this issue?

This was a massive mistake you made. You've hurt me terribly for no reason at all. It alarms me that you teach students, because you must be teaching them that guidelines come before their clients' well-being. You must be, because you believe that.

[mostlylurking]

I'm so sorry for those of you who have been through this (ruh roh, Anastasia, Starry Night, retro chic). I don't know why therapists don't understand what sudden termination does to clients. I would likely have tapered off after the end of May and stopped seeing him before the end of the summer (I'm guessing) but I would have kept the feeling that he was with me somehow, that I could always go back if needed, that the acceptance and non-judgement and warmth was somehow still mine.

I have none of that now, I just have pain and distrust. This happens to too many of us.

[maybeblue]

Did he give you a referral to someone who does specialize in the issue you were working on?

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

Did he give you a referral to someone who does specialize in the issue you were working on?

No, he didn't. He basically, in our last session, was refusing to talk to me as he normally would, and he said things to indicate our therapy had come to an end, but I was the one who technically terminated. It was really rather crafty, to make me do it even though it was obvious he was ending.

[maybeblue]

Saying things like "I don't feel like I can help you" is definitely termination language. It's unethical for a therapist to simply drop you without an appropriate referral. I'd ask him for one. I might or might not actually use the referral, but I'd be angry enough to want to make him go through the work of finding one. If he's going to follow part of his ethics code, he should follow the whole thing.

[satsuma]

I'm just wondering whether you could ask for some sessions with this (ex)T and another T as a kind of mediator, to try to be able to talk through what has happened? It might not fix whatever the T's issue is (I agree with Lucozader that it seems like something is going on with them) but maybe would help towards some closure instead of just being dropped like this.

I'm sorry if it's not a helpful suggestion. And sorry for this horrible situation that you found yourself in.

[SalingerEsme]

I have been thinking about you all day, and how awful this is. He is taking advantage too of your love for your daughter. Otherwise you might well make an ethics complaint, or really express how you feel and think. It is really unfair- this is why the ethics too say NOT to see family members or good friend separately. He doesn't seem to be following many rules of ethics, so it is kind of weak to cite a tiny portion. I wonder if there is some way in which your daughter comes into the big picture of his mind?

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I have been thinking about you all day, and how awful this is. He is taking advantage too of your love for your daughter. Otherwise you might well make an ethics complaint, or really express how you feel and think. It is really unfair- this is why the ethics too say NOT to see family members or good friend separately. He doesn't seem to be following many rules of ethics, so it is kind of weak to cite a tiny portion. I wonder if there is some way in which your daughter comes into the big picture of his mind?

Thank you SE. I actually still trust my T -- my former T -- to keep things separate enough that if I did let him know how I'm feeling, even if I did it in a really hostile way, I don't think he'd let it affect his work with my daughter. I just don't want to because I don't want to hear from this new version of him -- the one with the cold, boilerplate, patronizing words -- ever, ever again.

I don't think it's actually an ethical violation to see family members or friends, but I know it's quite controversial. I did look into this after seeing that some people on the forum think it's strictly unethical. My understanding is that it's not a dual relationship, but it does require a T to work harder and be a lot more careful and so on. His bad decision has not only affected me but has affected several others. I have friends who see him, and I don't want to tell them what really happened (because they're benefiting from therapy with him and I don't want to scare them) but then again I really need support right now. It puts me in a bad situation too.

All his business these days comes by referral, and there are T's who work in small towns who can't avoid this, too -- so I know T's sometimes are in this situation -- but it does mean they have to work harder to avoid complications.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is surprisingly devastating. I do not believe my T would have done this to me if he knew how badly it would hurt me, but then, I didn't know myself how badly this would hurt. It is really, really awful.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

I am so very sorry this happened My heart just breaks for you. I know how devastating, shocking, confusing, hurftul, horrible this is because i went through it once too. i wish i had advice for you. i am just so sorry.

I wanted to thank you for this reply, because each time I've read it, it brings tears to my eyes and I think it's helped me to let the reality of this fully sink in.

I'm so sorry it happened to you as well.