Feeling sad for many reasons

This is not about therapy directly, so I hope it doesn’t get deleted. It definitely affects my therapy, however. I applied to a research program and while I really wanted to gain experience in the research of psychology, I also really wanted to get a way for a while and just focus on my education and growing... the program would have required me traveling to a different state, and to be honest, it felt freeing to think about traveling for a few months and be away from my therapist. I feel that the attachment stuff has been so hard and overwhelming lately, and while I have been making so much progress, I still have a ways to go. I thought the “escape” would provide some relief.

Today I found out that I didn’t get in to the research program and I feel devestated. I really wanted to go - maybe not for all the right reason, but I think some of my reasons were right.

Oh, and also, I received a “letter” in the mail from ex T today today. In the envelope were printed out copies of the email exchange and she had penned a little star next to her statement which read, “if you should need to contact me, please do so by mail”. Not sure why, but that stung a bit.

I apologize for posting all this. Today was just a very emotionally difficult and exhausting day and I am in a very sad place right now. This forum helps me.

The star was actually an * siign. I just realized there was a handwritten note at the bottom of her email saying that email has been disabled.

I feel so stupid. Is she afraid of me that she would block me on email?

Hugs...I'm sorry you didn't get into the program. Since you said part of why you were disappointed is wanting to take a break from T...could you just decide to take a break of a set amount of time? Or maybe see a different T for a couple months? (That's how I ended up with my current T, wanted to take a break from ex-T since I wasn't sure if she was helping me, thought I'd just see this guy for a couple months, then go back to her...except I just decided to stick with him because he seems to be helping me more. Still, even if I'd gone back to her, I think the break and different perspective would have been beneficial.)

As for ex-T, maybe she's just disabled her e-mail account in general, not just for you? I still see how that would sting. Has your current T tried contacting her yet?

I have thought about taking a break for the last two years lol, I guess I can never seem to muster up enough motivation to resist going. I am so attached to her that it feels like I would need a very good reason to not go, to replace my attachment to her. I thought the research program would be motivating.

Yeah, that’s a good point about her disabling her account in general. I did consider it and while I should consider other possibilities, I honestly really doubt she disabled her account completely. She is a very popular therapist and has marketed herself very well, so I don’t think she’d disable her account totally. I have reason to beleive she just blocked me, given our history of her simply blocking me out. I appreciate hearing your thoughts though, LT.

This really makes me angry. All she had to do was not open your emails if they are so taxing for her. Why make a hurtful jab at you like that?

Sigh. I am in that space too right now. Doesn't have a lot to do with therapy, but there is a lot of wisdom on this board so, I think we will get a pass. We're not posting about our workout plans or beading with pearls or something.

I can also attest that breaks, whether geographical or just temporal, can be a good thing. Perspective builder, at least. At least for me, this is the toughest time of year. Spring should be easier than it generally is!

Thank you for your validation. I can’t stop crying. I want to respect her boundary, but this just feels so hurtful and silencing. I feel conflicted on both sides - I can understand why she’s doing it and she’s entitled to her boundaries, but I still feel like I’ve grown so much and she doesn’t have to set such strict ones.

I want to email her from my school email and tell her how that really stung, but that probably wouldn’t do much good, would it?

I've been treated similarly, not by a T but somebody in a somewhat similar relationship. I think your former T is telling you that she isn't available at all to discuss anything that happened between the two of you, and trying to go back to her to understand what went wrong is just going to hurt you more. I know it's hard, but my advice is to stop contacting her altogether and work with your current T on getting some perspective about what happened with your former T. It sounds entirely possible that she has her own emotional baggage that is causing her to treat you so harshly. Either way, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It might not help you either....are you feeling ANY better? I'm concerned that if you email her now, you may end up feeling worse rather than better

Is this the t that you asked for your records? Or a different one?

It’s the one that I am requesting my records from. She had emailed me back when I requested them and now she is only willing to communicate through letter form. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up setting a boundary up around that too.

It definitely does feel like a jab - I didn’t even push her boundaries and all of a sudden she hits me with: “Email has been disabled”. Like WTF, I didn’t even do anything wrong?

I understand. Part of me feels that if I stop contacting her and telling her how I feel, it will just prove to her and to myself she’s right. While she hasn’t said it outright, her behavior is making me feel like I’m crazy and she’s afraid of me.

I completely understand this. I was the same with my former marriage counselor. (Note that I'm not comparing your T to him at all...) The only thing that ultimately got me away from him was his hurting me...and I certainly wouldn't recommend that method!

I think the best way to prove her wrong is to respect the boundaries she set, regardless of how obnoxious and arbitrary they seem. If you still want the records, it sounds like you can get them if you follow the procedure she outlined.