[mcl6136]

So..this might not belong on this forum and I bet you'll tell me if it does not.

I have been in therapy for much of my adult life. I'm still in therapy. I feel that I benefit. But I have a topic that seems therapy-resistant and that is my relationship status.

I'm single and I'd love to meet a great guy and have an exclusive relationship. I live in a wonderful place but it is a small town. There isn't a huge pool of single dudes my age, but there are definitely some! It only takes one. But when I bring up this issue in therapy, I feel like my T is kind of leading me to some conclusions on the topic...and it's to make peace with my single status. Like she will say the following (and has done so over and over): "Well, I have another client who has come to the realization that it's not necessarily that there's one particular person that she is close to....that it's key for her to have good, solid connections with others and that's a way to live a full life."

For me, that kind of lands with a thud. Like what..it's hopeless?

I've brought this up over and over, and the result is the same.

I feel like my T is just trying to get me to become content with living alone. Which, for the most part, I am. I have friends, interests, a great job. But I do want to meet that special someone. And I feel like my T is maybe not open to really exploring this with me -- or she has kind of come to a certain conclusions about what I should conclude about this issue.

It's a real block for going forward on dealing with this, and I'm very upset about it. It is the next step in my journey, and I don't know how to bring up the fact that I think she just doesn't GET IT.

How can I proceed? I have therapy tomorrow and I feel like this is a lost cause.

[MoxieDoxie]

I am envious of you. I want to live alone have a great job, friends and but then a few boy toys on the side I can use and kick out the door in the morning.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I am envious of you. I want to live alone have a great job, friends and but then a few boy toys on the side I can use and kick out the door in the morning.

hahah!!! That would be the icing on the cake!

[unaluna]

Whats a "special guy"? I've never heard you say anything you like about men. I do remember you not liking your one t's hairy chest sticking out of his shirt.

So what im saying is, there seems to be this fantasy of a special guy on one hand, but when you meet the uncontrollable reality of real men - who email you unsolicited, who flaunt themselves - youre not so interested? What is the conflict within you?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Whats a "special guy"? I've never heard you say anything you like about men. I do remember you not liking your one t's hairy chest sticking out of his shirt.

So what im saying is, there seems to be this fantasy of a special guy on one hand, but when you meet the uncontrollable reality of real men - who email you unsolicited, who flaunt themselves - youre not so interested? What is the conflict within you?

This is really unkind and presumptuous of you, actually. Have I spoken with you about men before?

Oh. Yeah. I posted about an issue I had with a therapist, which I left. As did quite a few men and women in my town who objected to his transgressions.

Oh. Yeah. I posted about another issue that I had with a guy whose email creeped me out. Said email was similarly creepy to many other posters here.

There is no fantasy. I am looking for a man with whom to have a special (beyond friendship) relationship with. I realize that he will come with many human faults and foibles. Like me.

And you.

[unaluna]

I dont mean to be unkind. A special guy always sounds like a good idea to me too, until an actual guy seems interested. Then watch me run. Or watch my boundaries go to crap.

No anything can be talked about.

If your therapist is helpful in general, perhaps here is really just exercising the usual attitude and suggestions about acceptance and is trying to say that it is better not to get obsessive/deaperate about it.

[stopdog]

I don't think there are any intrinsically non-workable topics in and of themselves. I do believe that clients can figure out what topics are more or less useful to deal with at therapy or with any specific therapist.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I dont mean to be unkind. A special guy always sounds like a good idea to me too, until an actual guy seems interested. Then watch me run. Or watch my boundaries go to crap.

I think they call this projection.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think there are any intrinsically non-workable topics in and of themselves. I do believe that clients can figure out what topics are more or less useful to deal with at therapy or with any specific therapist.

Me too. I'm going to push on. Thank you, Stopdog.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

No anything can be talked about.

I think/hope you are right. I'm going to plunge in.

[ElectricManatee]

Have you talked to your T about her not understanding this or at least not giving you what you need? I agree that no topic is off-limits, and I think that finding/forming relationships is actually a prime therapy topic. I can understand the value of being okay with your life and accepting yourself as you are, both for its own sake and for making yourself a better, more balanced partner. But I could see where a therapist might also be able to help you identify and change self-defeating patterns or help with your anxiety about meeting people or whatever it is that you personally might need. Maybe you just need reassurance that you are in decent shape psychologically and not doing anything wrong in your dating endeavors, I don't know. So maybe it would help if you and your T can talk about how she can best help you reach your goals if what she's doing right now isn't working for you.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

But when I bring up this issue in therapy, I feel like my T is kind of leading me to some conclusions on the topic...and it's to make peace with my single status. Like she will say the following (and has done so over and over): "Well, I have another client who has come to the realization that it's not necessarily that there's one particular person that she is close to....that it's key for her to have good, solid connections with others and that's a way to live a full life."

No advice, just sympathy because I can relate. I have pressed the issue and it lands with the same thud every time. In my case, my therapist thinks if I don't deal with abuse issues, I am setting myself up for a lot of problems. When I calm down, I can see her point, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about how other people are fine living alone. I hope your next attempt goes better.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

No advice, just sympathy because I can relate. I have pressed the issue and it lands with the same thud every time. In my case, my therapist thinks if I don't deal with abuse issues, I am setting myself up for a lot of problems. When I calm down, I can see her point, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about how other people are fine living alone. I hope your next attempt goes better.

Thank you for this.

If I had a health problem, and I raised it, I don't think that she would say, "gee, lots of people have xxx syndrome and they just need to get good with that, come to terms."

But I think this is where she automatically goes with the issue of seeing guys, and it is not helping me work through my single status. I would like her to hear me out about why I often don't recognize when guys are interested/don't do a good job of letting guys know I'm interested...and how I can find places, situations etc, where I might enjoy myself while potentially meeting someone suitable.

for example, I went for a hike a couple of days ago and at the trailhead, this very nice dude started talking to me about my dog (who is very gorgeous, I might add) and we had a very nice talk and it was not until later that I realized...gee....missed opportunity?

I would like her to hear me out about my dented psyche as it relates to the fact that my parents were ridiculous about me looking pretty, wearing makeup, and dating in my younger days and how that affects me now.

My T just seems to skip a lot of steps and I want to deal with this and at the very least have some self compassion and self awareness as a result.

I think I'm going to say some of these things in session and see what happens.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Have you talked to your T about her not understanding this or at least not giving you what you need? I agree that no topic is off-limits, and I think that finding/forming relationships is actually a prime therapy topic. I can understand the value of being okay with your life and accepting yourself as you are, both for its own sake and for making yourself a better, more balanced partner. But I could see where a therapist might also be able to help you identify and change self-defeating patterns or help with your anxiety about meeting people or whatever it is that you personally might need. Maybe you just need reassurance that you are in decent shape psychologically and not doing anything wrong in your dating endeavors, I don't know. So maybe it would help if you and your T can talk about how she can best help you reach your goals if what she's doing right now isn't working for you.

No, I haven't told her how this has not been flying in therapy, and I suspect she has no clue that it hasn't been working. Your message makes a LOT of sense and this is exactly what I would like to work through....

RIGHT HERE:

a therapist might also be able to help you identify and change self-defeating patterns or help with your anxiety about meeting people or whatever it is that you personally might need.

thank you Kindly!!!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I think they call this projection.

I was kind of hoping you would figure this out for the both of us. Seriously. I dont even have that "good friend, good job, good hobbies" stuff going on, and im still afraid to give up my freedom. Maybe thats one conflict? Idk.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I was kind of hoping you would figure this out for the both of us. Seriously. I dont even have that "good friend, good job, good hobbies" stuff going on, and im still afraid to give up my freedom. Maybe thats one conflict? Idk.

And here I was, thinking you were just being surly!!

I would like to figure it out, too. For me, it does not seem like trepidation about loss of freedom. It seems more like an (insane) variation on the WC Fields adage about "not wanting to belong to any group that would have me as a member."

Guys seem to talk to me like I was another guy -- and just don't see or treat me like a potential girlfriend.... and I in turn don't think that they are interested ...or if they are then there must be something very very wrong with them to be interested in me.

Sad, I know.