Longing for t

My t is away this week and all week I have been longing and yearning for her.
I having been wondering what she is doing and why she didn’t tell me where she was going.
Usually she tells me where she is going. When she does tell me I google these places and try to imagine her there, when she doesn’t tell me, I feel upset that she didn’t tell me.
It seems like whatever she does makes me think about her. I have told her how hard her vacations are and how I miss her and usually we have a rupture when she returns but this time is different. I don’t want to have a rupture I don’t want to push her away, I just want to see her again.
Btw, this is my first post here so any help would be welcome

I don't have any real advice, but I can empathise. I struggle with breaks too. My T is due to go on holiday for 3 weeks in June and I'm dreading it. We often have a rupture on the return too. I think it's something to do with my ambivalent attachment. It's kind of an unconscious pushing him away in response to feeling pushed away.

Yeah, this is basically me too. I'm angsty while she's gone and stormy when she comes back, even though I missed her terribly.

Did you ask where your T was going? Sometimes mine doesn't volunteer the information but readily gives it to me when I ask. I find it helpful to talk about my feelings about the break beforehand and to work out a plan about what would be helpful while she's gone (transitional objects, notes, self-care activities, etc). But yeah, I still dread breaks. I haven't found a way around that yet.

No, I didn’t ask her where she was going. Usually she would volunteer that information so I was surprised she didn’t tell me. Of course then my mind started coming to all sorts of conclusions, maybe she found out I google her, maybe she feels that she doesn’t want me to know anymore or maybe she knows how much I need her and hate it when she goes away.

I hate feeling so needy and nosy.

I completely understand your feelings. I usually see my T twice a week. I see her this coming week, then the next two weeks she will be away. She usually does tell me where she's going, and did this time too.... but in four years, this is the longest break we will have had. I'm dreading it too. She usually keeps in touch via Email though.

Sorry it’s so hard for you too! I think the emailing would really help because at least it would feel like she is still there. I struggle with breaks and always think that’s it- she will be gone forever and never come back. T is very good though at processing the breaks when she comes back and asking how it was for me.

I understand. My T apparently has a boundary where he won't tell clients where/why he's going on vacation. It bothers me. I don't know why it would make a difference to just know where (or why--like conference vs. family vacation) he's going...but it just does. Since there's a bit of paternal transference there, I think of it, like: So if when I was a kid, my parents were like, "We're going out of town for a week, but we're not telling you where. You're staying with Grandma," that would have really upset me. It's almost like there's something safe about knowing where they're going. Possibly a sense of control? I want to bring this up with my T next time he's going out of town, but not sure if he'd be willing to relax that boundary. The thing is, it's not like I need to know specifics. I'm not looking for his flight number or hotel or even the city or state/country. If he just said, "I'm headed to the West Coast," that would be enough. Or, if not that, "I'm going to a conference."

Ex-T and ex-MC used to share things like that--location and/or reason--so I think it's partly that I'm used to that. T vacations are hard enough as it is, so to me, anything that makes it easier is helpful.

Thankfully in the year I've been with mine, he did 1 trip. It was 4 days, but it nearly killed me. It didn't even effect my session directly but I absolutely was in high anxiety the entire time. I lost sleep over it and was constantly going on walks to try to relax my mind. I hated not having any contact with him during that time. Thankfully he was very sweet and did some things that really helped before he left.... even though it was still tough, it would have been way worse if he hadn't, it was during this time, that I realized this is EXACTLY how I reacted to my dog who passed away, anytime we were apart long distance, and I knew I loved my T.

Thankfully he told me where he was going and with who etc but if he had not, especially after doing it prior, It would greatly bother me. I'd probably complain directly and maybe never return to see him.

I think this is a great thing to bring up with her, even if it's hard or awkward feeling. She may not go back to telling you those types of things but having her know how it made you feel is a good thing.

Sorry you are struggling BTW, it's honestly the worst.

I'm totally the same. It would be so helpful for my T to tell me where he was going and generally he does. I don't need specifics but saying something like he is going to a conference in Boston or just going on a vacation to Florida totally helps to ease any anxiety. He went away once early on and all I did was spend my time wondering where he'd gone, what he was doing etc. The times he told me where he was I actually thought of him far less and managed far better. I am not sure how not sharing information like this is anything but unhelpful. I get that they need to keep some things private but to me, this one seems unnecessary especially if a client is attached.

I hope you do bring it up with your t because it does sound like it could be good to explore.
As I read your post, I realised that mine is something similar, well the longing is.
I have maternal transference and t has been like a good mother to me. She has been consistent and safe but this doesn’t feel safe, the not knowing and it would be upsetting like you said if your own parents went away and said they weren’t telling you.
See, I think that’s why it’s so hard because there is a lot of shame coming up for me about having these longings because needs and wants weren’t allowed in my own family of origin.

T would understand and by not telling me, it wasn’t intentional or a boundary it’s more that I didn’t ask her and maybe she felt I didn’t care or want to know but I don’t like to ask her or to pry and I usually wait to see if she wants to tell me!

See, if my t was like that I wouldn’t go back to her. Thankfully, she doesn’t take things away when I disclose something to her. If she had of stopped telling me where she was going the first time I disclosed I really missed her, then I would have felt shamed and never told her anything again!

I think that honestly she didn’t tell me because I didn’t ask, usually she will say, oh btw, I am away next week, I am going etc, with etc...
That helps me when I know that she is ok and because there is a lot of ambiguity, I am wondering, is t ok, is she sick? What if she is in hospital?
And I just realised, there is a lot of anxiety there too!

t doesn't go anywhere that affects my sessions very much anymore

the hardest time for me was when t would take his annual backpacking trip in the Colorado wilderness

I would fear for his safety the most

now t has a family and a baby so I don't think he will go this year

what do you mean if yours was like mine? Mine told me where he was going, nothing changed. He was even kind and did some things to help ease it, he just didn't do any contact during those 4 days with anyone. However he messaged me once he got of the plane. He hasn't taken anything away yet... I was just saying I'd be upset if he was like yours and didn't tell me where he was going next time

I wasn’t saying like yours, I said if my t was like that- in that you said she may take things away or stop telling me!

Oh lol, I got confused. Ya that would be annoying too. It's my big fear as it seems to happen often on the forum

Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear enough when I posted it. Sometimes things make perfect sense in my head but not when I write them

When my T is away, I find it helpful to write a letter to her, adding to it several times a day or daily, as needed. At my next session, sometimes I read it to her, sometimes not. In the past I have also actually mailed it to her, and she usually wants to talk about it with me in person. If I want an emailed answer, I need to say something like, "Please let me know you've read this."

But what if they say they’re not going anywhere and just taking a break? Might be better not to know.

Then I would worry that she is sick. See, she says she is away so I know she is going somewhere! Usually training.

I’m ressurecting this post because my T is gone for two weeks and these comments were really helpful for me to read. He’s been gone for one week now, and today is my normal day to see him. I’ve actually done fine until today when I’ve just started to feel some angst although I’m not sure why. Before he left I sent a quick email and he responded with a brief but kind (and a little bit humorous) email saying he was glad I had reached out to him. I’ve reread his email many times and it has made me feel warm and fuzzy until today when it feels like it’s wearing off. I’m starting to feel like I want to push him away which is my usual pattern and I’d really prefer not to do that but I’m not sure how because the urge is really strong. It doesn’t help that I feel a ginormous amount of shame for feeling anything related to him being gone. I just shouldn’t feel that way. I’m an adult and adults don’t feel that way, right? I think I may be annoyed with him for making me feel this discomfort. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t respond to emails while on vacation, but I’m tempted to send him one to see if he’ll respond. I’m curious, for those who have had ruptures upon return of your T after a vacation, what does that mean?