[MRT6211]

I’m struggling a lot with transference right now. T and I had a good heart to heart yesterday in session where she explained her being very hard on me lately is just an expression of how much she cares about me. She said she wants to protect me from me (I’ve been self-sabatoging a bit), just like she’d want to protect me from anyone else that was trying to hurt me. She used the analogy that she always uses: “like with my kids, I would do the same.” She has that strong maternal instinct about her and she has said multiple times to me that she looks at her clients like her children. She’s only 13 years older than me, but I still find myself really looking at her like a mother figure. So much so it almost hurts right now. I’m trying to become less attached and less dependent on her, because I’m going back to school soon and I’m going to have to. She’s trying to help foster this independence with me, but still be there to not let me spiral. But right now I feel like I just want her to love me like a mother loves her child. And I feel so ashamed for feeling that way about a therapist. I know she will always care about me, but she will never love me. I just crave being with her all of the time, though. I need to get past this. The way my treatment program is set up kind of fosters these feelings, too, because she has a lot of control over my life, much moreso than a normal therapist would. I have to ask permission from her to miss groups and she pretty much monitors every aspect of my life. She’s the one who had to advocate for me to go back to school (and she did so successfully). And I spend 4 days a week at program (recently down from 5), so I get to see her more days than not. All the therapists in the program are a lot more interventional than typical therapists, so as soon as I start to slide, she is on my case. So she acts like my mom in a lot of ways (even the scolding/lecturing me about correcting maladaptive behavior). How can I not feel this way given all of this?

I’m pretty much just venting...this stuff is hard. It’s hard to get close to people in the first place, and then there’s more pain when you’re close to them. :/

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

It is a hard, understandable, and normal feeling for sure.

[fille_folle]

I know what you mean about craving to be with her all the time. I see mine for sessions twice a week and I feel so alone and disconsolate on my own so much of the time. I cry when I think about her and how much I just want to follow her around like a lost puppy or something.

But, I have to believe it gets better. After many years with my last therapist, the longing subsided. I have to believe that it can happen again.

[circlesincircles]

I'm sorry it's been so painful for you. I can relate completely to wanting T to love me like a mother. And I can relate to the shame that goes with that.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sorry that this is so painful. It does sound like your therapist cares about you. I’m hopeful for your healing (being compassionate like your t is is the most important attribute a therapist can have imo). I have been “there” with the longing at one point, it’s painful but “normal” and understandable. It will subside in time, with good therapy