[Lrad123]

When I was looking for therapists 9 months ago I did an online search and there were a few that I liked based on their webpages. I ended up picking my T, a male, sort of on a whim and I’ve ended up liking him. But through my online search it was clear that a different therapist who I also really liked was his wife. I could have picked her just as easily. It was a coin toss. I’ve never talked to my T about this because it just hasn’t come up and hasn’t seemed relevant although at times it feels weird that I know this bit of information. Anyway, I like my therapist, but my husband and I are seeking a marriage counselor and I’m wondering if it’s appropriate to choose her. She has an excellent webpage devoted to couples counseling and I think I’d like her. Do you think this is appropriate? Of course I would ask my T first although I feel embarrassed about this. Is there a reason not to do this?

[fille_folle]

I wouldn't. I mean there's confidentiality and everything, but still. I just wouldn't.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

I wouldn't. I mean there's confidentiality and everything, but still. I just wouldn't.

I actually wouldn’t care if they shared information. I was thinking it might make things easier. Just not sure if there’s a conflict of interest or if he’d be uncomfortable or if I’m missing something else that might make it a bad idea.

[fille_folle]

Well, you can't know if he's uncomfortable with it unless you ask him.

[fille_folle]

As for other reasons not to do it, what if she screws up? Wouldn't it be awkward?

[Echos Myron redux]

Both the therapists I've seen have wives who are Ts. I am pretty sure, at least my ethical T's wife wouldn't knowingly see one of her husband's clients. If you really feel you want to, you can ask but I imagine most T's would say no because if something went wrong and a complaint was made, it would be something they would have to ethically justify.

Seems like a powerful, or at least noticeable, way for you to insert yourself into their relationship. Being attracted to the idea of doing that might be something worth looking at with your therapist.

[satsuma]

I wouldn't do it without asking first - saying you are thinking of seeing this T, which gives the other T the opportunity to disclose that it's their spouse.

Otherwise, if you just started, then when they did find out one of them might need to terminate with you for ethical reasons because of potential conflict of interest.

And if you said nothing and they didn't realise straight away, then you might be permanently on tenterhooks wondering if/when one of them will realise, and what they will do. I think that would have a negative impact on therapy.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think you should talk to your T about it first of course. The only experience I have with this is that when I first started searching for a T, a friend of mine called an emergency psychiatrist service for me because I was having so many panic attacks around him. The woman who spoke to me in the end told me that she did not have any openings for seeing me regularly, but she knew someone else who did, she gave me his name (plus a website to search for others if I didn't like this one). She didn't mention that she actually recommended her husband to me, but when I first saw my T, he said so right away. And from what I could gather, they at least talked a little bit about me. I don't mind, thought it was a bit weird to make a recommendation for your husband, but whatever.

Now seeing them both at once would probably be a bit different, depending on what the issues at hand are and so on. So probably a good thing to bring it up first, rather than having to keep a secret.

[Lrad123]

I definitely wouldn’t want it to seem weird or inappropriate and I’m afraid this would. But on the other hand, I really want to find a marriage counselor and I liked her webpage before I had even met my current T. I feel like finding a good T is difficult and I admit that the fact that she’s related to my current T might make her feel safer in a way. I’m still not sure if I’ll bring it up, but I absolutely would not do it without making sure he’s ok with it first.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

What if you asked your t for a recommendation for a marriage counselor?

That leaves the ball in his court. Either he’ll be comfortable recommending his wife, or he’ll be able to recommend someone with whom you’d work well, and you’re not left wondering if he’d be okay with it.

[Erebos]

Sounds more like trying to get more into your T's life than a genuine need for another T.

I suspect that they wouldn't share clients, I would think there are a few reasons why they wouldn't.

I think exploring why you want to would be good work for therapy though.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Erebos

Sounds more like trying to get more into your T's life than a genuine need for another T.

I suspect that they wouldn't share clients, I would think there are a few reasons why they wouldn't.

I think exploring why you want to would be good work for therapy though.

I *genuinely* do need a marriage counselor and my husband has finally agreed so I’d like to get going on that. Initially, although there were clear issues in my marriage, I decided to start by working on myself. Now that my husband has agreed to attend therapy I’d like t get going. I did tons of online research on individual therapists back when I was trying to find my current individual therapist. I really genuinely liked my therapist’s wife’s website back then and she has a detailed webpage for marriage counseling which is great. I’d rather not start all over again researching T’s. However, I know it seems odd and I’m just wondering if it’s weird or unethical in some way. I don’t *think* I’m using this to try to pry myself into my T’s life, at least consciously, but perhaps I’m doing this unconsciously. I have every intention of discussing it with my T and asking him if it’s ok before doing it. Just wanted to hear people’s opinions about the pros & cons of going down that path.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

What if you asked your t for a recommendation for a marriage counselor?

That leaves the ball in his court. Either he’ll be comfortable recommending his wife, or he’ll be able to recommend someone with whom you’d work well, and you’re not left wondering if he’d be okay with it.

I like this idea. I think this might be how I approach it.

[ttrim]

I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole! I think it would greatly compromise the trust and work you are doing with your therapist. Also too much intertwine.

[kecanoe]

I think if you ask T for a referral, T won't give you the wife's name b/c that might seem like T was making the referral to profit the household.


I would ask T if he cared; if T was ok with it, then I would be comfortable with it. I would trust my T to not talk about me with their spouse.