My therapist infrequently mentions her own therapy in my sessions and has referred to her processes a few times. It doesn't appear to be with the intention of me providing her with support, but it has left me feeling that she is vulnerable.

In many ways, this kind of disclosure could be positive - it normalises therapy and the universality of emotional pain - but I feel bothered by the fact that she is hurting. Obviously, I don't expect her to have led a pain-impervious life (who has?), but the wounded healer archetype is not one which feels very safe to me.

Do you think I am over reacting or would you have similar concerns?

[DP_2017]

Everyone reacts different. My T has been open with me about his too, I know far more than I probably should about it... but knowing he also has anxiety and depression has helped me so so much in relating to him. I felt "Ok good, he's just a human too" but like I said, everyone is different. I personally can't deal with a distant therapist who feels too professional.

[rjdb]

Originally Posted by long_gone

My therapist infrequently mentions her own therapy in my sessions and has referred to her processes a few times. It doesn't appear to be with the intention of me providing her with support, but it has left me feeling that she is vulnerable.

In many ways, this kind of disclosure could be positive - it normalises therapy and the universality of emotional pain - but I feel bothered by the fact that she is hurting. Obviously, I don't expect her to have led a pain-impervious life (who has?), but the wounded healer archetype is not one which feels very safe to me.

Do you think I am over reacting or would you have similar concerns?

Therapists are human like anyone else. A computer I would expect not to be emotionally hurting from time to time. Therapists deal with human misery all day long. That can't be easy.

I don't expect her to be a robot. I am not concerned that she is in therapy, but I feel uncomfortable with the fact that she is bringing her therapy into my therapy. Some things she has mentioned are close to my own issues, but I am reluctant to raise these in more detail because I know they are close to her stuff.

[Echos Myron redux]

I'm a therapist in therapy.
For me, it's really important that therapists attend therapy at some point because they need to have a good understanding of themselves to be able to recognise when their own stuff is impacting on the work with clients, so they can manage that outside of the room. It doesn't necessarily mean she is hurting or any more vulnerable than the next therapist. Everybody is vulnerable in some way, and I would much rather work with a therapist who is aware of their vulnerabilities and managing them in therapy where appropriate.
That said, I do understand your feelings. My first therapist showed me a little too much of his vulnerabilities and that was very unsettling for me. I needed to feel he was okay in himself so he could offer me the support I needed. His disclosure was rather different though, and actually it might have been a lot less detrimental if he had sought therapy. I would tell your therapist what is coming up for you around this. It might be that some useful insight could come out of an exploration of your feelings about other people's vulnerabilities and mental wellbeing.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by long_gone

I don't expect her to be a robot. I am not concerned that she is in therapy, but I feel uncomfortable with the fact that she is bringing her therapy into my therapy. Some things she has mentioned are close to my own issues, but I am reluctant to raise these in more detail because I know they are close to her stuff.

Okay well that is different. I don't believe the therapist should be bringing her stuff into your therapy, especially as it feels too close to yours. I think it's really important you tell her how you feel about this and if she doesn't listen and reflect on what you are saying to her, I would personally be thinking about looking for a new T.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron (again)

I'm a therapist in therapy.
For me, it's really important that therapists attend therapy at some point because they need to have a good understanding of themselves to be able to recognise when their own stuff is impacting on the work with clients, so they can manage that outside of the room. It doesn't necessarily mean she is hurting or any more vulnerable than the next therapist. Everybody is vulnerable in some way, and I would much rather work with a therapist who is aware of their vulnerabilities and managing them in therapy where appropriate.
That said, I do understand your feelings. My first therapist showed me a little too much of his vulnerabilities and that was very unsettling for me. I needed to feel he was okay in himself so he could offer me the support I needed. His disclosure was rather different though, and actually it might have been a lot less detrimental if he had sought therapy. I would tell your therapist what is coming up for you around this. It might be that some useful insight could come out of an exploration of your feelings about other people's vulnerabilities and mental wellbeing.

It is ironic: it's reassuring that she is meeting her needs with her own therapy and yet it makes me feel that she has unmet needs because she is naming her stuff with me. I would be far more concerned if she had never been in therapy and it seems obvious that therapists should have substantial experience as a client; I am just not able to hear about it very comfortably when I am feeling vulnerable.

I am not sure I am brave enough to raise it with her, although I recognise that this would be useful work. I have maternal transference with her and oodles of shame associated with my mother, I wonder if I am worried about shaming her for being in therapy.

[Ididitmyway]

You are not over reacting. I would have similar concerns as well.

Therapist self-disclosure is a tricky thing and therapists should always be careful with it. If it's done mindfully, with fully conscious intention to benefit the client in some way, it could be positive. The examples of such disclosure could be when a therapist uses something from their own life to illustrate his point or to let the client know that they could relate to their experiences. (The latter, however, should be exercised with caution. I would never recommend any therapist to use examples or their personal relationships/marriages to let the client know that they could relate to their experience.)

But any time a disclosure is made, the therapist should truly believe that it is serves the interests of the client. I am not sure how your therapist's experience in her own therapy serves your interests. I understand that it could be positive in a sense that it helps you to see her as a human being who is suffering just like all humans, so, in that sense, it may help you trust that she is able to understand your pain. But, I believe, there are better ways for therapists to demonstrate their humanity than to talk about their personal therapy process.

The "wounded healer" archetype doesn't give me much confidence in a therapist either no matter what the mainstream thinking suggests. I've encountered those "wounded healers". Some of them were my personal therapists who harmed me, others were my colleagues, who, IMO, should not have been allowed to work with anyone until they take care or their own **** enough to be able to separate it from their work.

So, yeah, I'd say your concerns are legitimate.

[maybeblue]

I have had conversations with my therapists about this. On the one hand I think it is a really good idea for therapists to have their own therapy. I don't expect them to be problem free or perfect, and if they do have problems I would expect them to get help for them. But on the other hand I really don't want to hear about it. I don't find it helpful, in fact I find it distracting. I am an empathetic person and when I hear someone hurting I want to help. But that isn't my role in my therapy. My role (and the reason that I pay so much for it) is to talk about my problems. The therapist role (and the reason they are paid) is to empathize with and help me with my problems.

It is very different than a balanced friendship where the roles of "helper" and "helpee" go back and forth. For me the therapeutic relationship is professional and not unlike a doctor/patient relationship. It is normal and expected for my doctor to see me naked. It would be weird and unethical for me to see him naked. I expect he has all the normal parts. I just don't want to see or think about them.

I can handle "surface" self-disclosures like "I have two children," if they aren't too time consuming. But I don't want to hear any deep dark secrets. It makes me uncomfortable...like seeing my doctor naked would.

[junkDNA]

my t has mentioned his own therapy and problems with transference as well as bipolar disorder

he even took me to meet his therapist once

it doesn't bother me because I know my t has been thru a lot too. but I trust him and I know he is healthy now

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

You are not over reacting. I would have similar concerns as well.

Therapist self-disclosure is a tricky thing and therapists should always be careful with it. If it's done mindfully, with fully conscious intention to benefit the client in some way, it could be positive. The examples of such disclosure could be when a therapist uses something from their own life to illustrate his point or to let the client know that they could relate to their experiences. (The latter, however, should be exercised with caution. I would never recommend any therapist to use examples or their personal relationships/marriages to let the client know that they could relate to their experience.)

But any time a disclosure is made, the therapist should truly believe that it is serves the interests of the client. I am not sure how your therapist's experience in her own therapy serves your interests. I understand that it could be positive in a sense that it helps you to see her as a human being who is suffering just like all humans, so, in that sense, it may help you trust that she is able to understand your pain. But, I believe, there are better ways for therapists to demonstrate their humanity than to talk about their personal therapy process.

The "wounded healer" archetype doesn't give me much confidence in a therapist either no matter what the mainstream thinking suggests. I've encountered those "wounded healers". Some of them were my personal therapists who harmed me, others were my colleagues, who, IMO, should not have been allowed to work with anyone until they take care or their own **** enough to be able to separate it from their work.

So, yeah, I'd say your concerns are legitimate.

Thank you. Yes, the idea of whether she is being "careful" with her disclosures is the key issue really. It's not clear to me how considered her comments have been, they have certainly not been needed in order to clarify my understanding about my situation.

I have experienced wounded healers through work as well, nothing but utter horrors. No doubt that is colouring my response with my therapist.

[stopdog]

From what I have seen, and I think even on this forum it is obvious, those guys need all the therapy they can get.
The two I saw recently referred to having endured therapy. The second one told me more about it (certainly more than I was interested in) and probably did it a lot longer (possibly recently - hard to know and I did not ask) than the first did (the first probably could have used more in my opinion - or something). I don't want to hear about their issues

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I have had conversations with my therapists about this. On the one hand I think it is a really good idea for therapists to have their own therapy. I don't expect them to be problem free or perfect, and if they do have problems I would expect them to get help for them. But on the other hand I really don't want to hear about it. I don't find it helpful, in fact I find it distracting

Yes, this is it exactly. I am not usually a keep-it-behind-closed-doors kind of person, but actually when it comes to my therapist, I need her to keep it locked away.

Originally Posted by stopdog

From what I have seen, and I think even on this forum it is obvious, those guys need all the therapy they can get.
The two I saw recently referred to having endured therapy. The second one told me more about it (certainly more than I was interested in) and probably did it a lot longer (possibly recently - hard to know and I did not ask) than the first did (the first probably could have used more in my opinion - or something).

Did you find these admissions helpful, irrelevant or disturbing? Did you tell them to shut up so you could talk (of course you did)?

[stopdog]

I did not find them helpful or disturbing. More useless and irrelevant. I did not care or wonder about it. I never understood why they were telling me about themselves in general about anything.

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Everyone reacts different. My T has been open with me about his too, I know far more than I probably should about it... but knowing he also has anxiety and depression has helped me so so much in relating to him. I felt "Ok good, he's just a human too" but like I said, everyone is different. I personally can't deal with a distant therapist who feels too professional.

You are right, people react differently. However the "oh me too" approach just seems clumsy and unskilled to me. It is not a clean way to build rapport.

[DP_2017]

Lol well it works for me.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by long_gone

Yes, this is it exactly. I am not usually a keep-it-behind-closed-doors kind of person, but actually when it comes to my therapist, I need her to keep it locked away.

Me too. I don't like it, and I simply don't want to know. I also on purpose don't go googling about them beyond checking to see if they have a license. If there is something out there that is in their personal lives that could be disturbing to me I simply don't want to know. For instance if they hated cats, it would bug me and then I wouldn't want to talk about cats, or worse I would waste my therapy time trying to convince them that they really should like cats. Or I would lose faith in them, because what reasonable person doesn't love cats

One of my biggest therapy ruptures was when I had a therapist tell me about his kid getting arrested for something. He didn't need to tell me about that. It wasn't helpful to me. I don't even have kids. I explained to him as nicely as I could that it was disturbing to me to know that because then I felt like I needed to jump in and take care of him. He said that he hadn't expected me to take care of him, but he didn't give me a reason why that information would be useful to me. Since then he hasn't told me anything else like that, so talking to him worked.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

my t has mentioned his own therapy and problems with transference as well as bipolar disorder

he even took me to meet his therapist once

it doesn't bother me because I know my t has been thru a lot too. but I trust him and I know he is healthy now

I can not even fathom this. Your therapist took you to meet HIS therapist.... O.o

I appreciate knowing that my T has issues too, that shes human. I also appreciate that she is aware of those issues and taking carw of them on her own time. I am a person who has cared for others my whole life, I do not need to continue that responsibility on my dime.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think I want to know that my therapist does not (broadly speaking) ask of me something that she herself has not endured and that her confidence in therapy is partly informed by her experience as a client. So yeah, good to know she's in therapy.

But though of course I'm sometimes curious about her and her issues, I'd likely share the OP's difficulties if I knew too much about it. Knowing that stuff can be a burden. This process is supposed to be about you. The T sharing too much about herself is a derail.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

I appreciate knowing that my T has issues too, that shes human. I also appreciate that she is aware of those issues and taking carw of them on her own time. I am a person who has cared for others my whole life, I do not need to continue that responsibility on my dime.

I felt the same way in therapy. I liked it much more when my therapists demonstrated their humanity through treating me with respect, kindness, through showing empathy and through seeing me as a valuable human being, not a diagnostic label and not defining me by my problems.

I didn't need them to divulge any parts of their private personal process they had ever gone through, be it therapy or something else, to experience them as real human beings. When they treated me as a real human being that was enough for me to experience them as real humans.

When they mentioned every now and then what kind of personal work they had done that was fine. That did, actually, make me trust them more. But just mentioning it as a matter of fact is very different from talking about it/telling a story about it. If I were in therapy today, I wouldn't want any minute of my time for which I am paying big $$ be spent on discussing the therapist's stuff. If I trusted some therapist enough to begin working with them, it means that I trust that they are doing all the necessary personal work that is needed to help them to do their job well. That's why I don't even need them to mention that they are in therapy unless it is somehow related to the issues I am discussing.

[feralkittymom]

I must say I've never been able to wrap my head around the thinking of "my T shares my problems" or "my T tells me about his problems" in any way equating to being "human."


Sure, I want my Ts to have experienced therapy--and not just a 3 month "training" therapy. But I don't want them anywhere near me until they have their xxxx together. And I see no romance or allure in the wounded healer. Way too jr high Heathcliff-ish for me. If I continued to see her, I'd have to tell her to keep her personal reflections to herself.

I'd feel uncomfortable with T's they are in therapy for their own issues, for training to become an analyst, That's fine. But nah, don't go dripping stupid in my therapy.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I can not even fathom this. Your therapist took you to meet HIS therapist.... O.o

yes I met my t in a treatment program and they wanted to kick me out so he took me to meet her so I could have someone set up for afterwards. however I did not end up getting kicked out. thanks for your judgements though