this weeks session .guilt and the mother

granite1 · May 25, 2018, 06:01 PM

this session my T decided what we needed to talk about .i said hi ,she asked how i was doing this week and i told her i was ok . i think she took that as having nothing pressing to talk about . she asked how my health was doing and i said no news was good news and we moved on . she said that she felt that we needed to talk about the mother some more after our last session . instantly i started to panic because of how hard our last session was . she just doesnt remember me talking to her about conversations about the mother and it makes me feel horrible. she said that she had felt blindsided by it all and felt that she had failed me because she had not realized the hold that the mother still had on me . that she felt she had kind of put me between a rock and a hard place by asking me to not have contact with her .she said now that it is all in the open we can work on it . this statement again cut me like a knife . it made me feel like she thinks i have had this dirty little secrete that i have kept from her and finely confessed it . that i keep secretes from her and she doesnt want me to feel that i need to do that . im trying so hard to get her to see that i didnt do that .she said its not important now that it is in the open . i told her to me it is important .that she use to say that she felt i had more integrity in my little finger then most people . that was important to me and that now i feel she doesnt see me that way any more . i cant remember her response but i know we went back and forth for a bit about all this and i cant convince her i didnt keep this from her . because of that i never felt i couldnt tell her the truth . she just accepted that .

she wanted me to talk about the mother and asked my thoughts on being in contact with her and what had made me contact her again . i wanted her to understand that it wasnt really a want at all. i hate the mother and i told her that . i hate that i feel i have to talk to her .i hate how miserable it makes me feel .i hate that i cant get her out of my head at all . the guilt i feel not being in contact with her is so overwhelming . she seemed to get that and said that is something we need to work on . i told her that at this pint when i talk to the mother that she is all sickening nice .how she says she is so glad i have forgiven her .and how great it is to talk to me etc... i know that it is all BS and that she is the master manipulator but it still feels good . this interested my T . she didnt seem to understand how it could feel good even hough i knew it was all BS. it is that i get to feel like im doing something right for a change . that i can think that im being the good daughter for a change , that she is happy with me . that i am a good person .not the horrible person i always am. i told her how after not talking to her for so long that i forgot how miserable that made me feel. how i would always stress about doing the right thing ,say the right stuff,call her when i was suppose to . now that i am in contact with her the guilt is not so bad but the stress level is horrible . i feel so trapped in this horrible mess and have no idea how to stop it . i dont feel i can write her off again and i feel so stuck . i hate how she is in my head and i cant get her out .i think my T does understand now how strong this is . i dont know how she can help me .

she said being in contact with the mother is killing me . i know my health is bad and everyone tells me i need to keep my stress level down and to slow down etc.. but i dont think it is being in contact with her so much as it is her being in my head . its the hate and anger i have for what she did to me . how she is never out of my head ,the memories .the choke hold she has on me . the desire i have to please her .the longing to have a family that loves me unconditionally. a mother who loves me .the horrible person i am today because of her . i hate her .