Feeling punished

Something someone reminded me of when I'm feeling this way has been helpful for me:

Even the best most loving mom/parent needs a break from her children now and again. Not because she is upset at them - not because they are too much - not because she wants them to stop needing her - but because she loves them and wants to be able to take care of them and "fill them up." And, she has to take care of herself in order to take care of her children.

If you're a parent or even if you've just taken care of kids/babysat, you can probably relate. It's not about you being too much - it's about her recognizing that she can't pour from an empty cup. She will be back. She still loves and cares about you. She just needs to take care of herself for a little bit. It's hard, and that's ok - you can talk about it being hard and about being sad and angry and feeling abandoned - but part of you needs to hold onto this realization above as well.

No. Sorry. I get that you can change boundaries, but it's not fair. It's like being in a sexual relationship and then being told you can only be friends. Sure the person has the right to change the boundaries, but it really sucks for the other person. And I'm guessing most would just leave.

This helps. I understand this. Thank you!

I read something today about the evolutionary role of rejection in a more "primitive" time of society (being ostracized from the group risked your life, so we may be hardwired to feel rejection very deeply). So we are super sensitive to rejection in general and if you have a history of such in your background, then certainly it feels very profound and deep.

What you're experiencing or feeling seems like a natural response to a boundary change, but perhaps the strength of your feeling is less about your T's change and more that it's like salt in an old wound. Sometimes it helps me moderate my bigger feelings to recognize there's both a rational piece and an overexaggeration of my response to what's happened.

True. That and I'm hypersensitive and have BPD. So my reactions can be extreme in response to something negative. I try my best to stay calm and rational, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me especially when it feels like rejection or abandonment. I am calming down. My emotions were a 10 yesterday. Today maybe a 4. So that's good. Everyone's input is helping.

I emailed T today. I asked her about the contact being personal and taking it away was not personal, about filling her cup in order to care for others, and if the situation is similar to my sister's situation where I love her, but have no energy to take care of her right now. T said yes to all of those.

I'm still having a hard time not taking it personally, but I understand now why she did it.

Gawd. I'm sorry, that's hard.

I can have a very good logical understanding of why something might be or has to be and still feel totally devastated by it. My T suddenly cancelled my session this week saying that she would be out of town. This isn't a pattern with her, I suspect that there is an important thing happening. But nevertheless there is a childish part of me that feels that I'm not a priority and that feels a bit dumb for being so sad and disappointed that I don't get therapy this week. I also feel sad that it's this much of a big deal for me. It's not an exaggeration to say I feel a little bereft. I wish it were easier to just skip a week and that this wasn't such a major grounding force amid quite so much chaos.

SP I bet you know on some level that your T needs to disengage from her usual routine while on vacation so that she can be restored and continue to be well and do her job well. It's likely not that YOU are just a job but that she has decided that email/smartphone/screentime/searching for wifi has no place (or a very limited place) on vacation and she's giving you a heads-up so that she doesn't disappoint you. But it still hurts. They key is to honour the hurt and care for it without actually believing too hard that you've been wronged. That's what i think anyway.

It will be hard but you will survive it. And there are lots of things you can do that will help you survive it that little bit easier. Right now while you are still reeling with all these different emotions it will feel next to impossible to think about anything like that, but when these triggered responses settle down it will be easier to find strategies to support yourself.
But not yet. You have some stuff to ride out first. Hang in there.

That makes so much sense.

Yeah, I understand she needs breaks, but it does hurt. If she would have never allowed contact on vacations to begin with, I wouldn't be in this perdicament. I don't think her having no contact with me is the issue...when she takes a vacation again, then it will become an issue. My issue right now is that she took something away from me, and only me. I had something special and now I don't. What else will she take away?

I do feel very child-like with my T. Not that I see her as a mother figure or anything like that, but I just feel like a child. My hunch is because I feel inferior to her. That and dealing with all my issues makes me feel vulnerable like I was when I was a child. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm also hypersensitive to any form of rejection or abandonment. And with the unequal power in the relationship, I feel even less of a person because she took something away.

In my email to T, I asked her since she took away something personal, if she would give me something else personal: like something she owns. I asked if I could either keep the item or take care of it while she's on vacation. I think that will help me come her next vacation. But she'll probably say no. We'll have to figure out other ways of coping when the time comes. For now, she says she doesn't have anything planned. She said maybe next year she'll take another 2 week vacation 10 days is hard enough, but 14+ days. I'm going to be a wreck.

That's really insightful of you.

Maybe this is only so much semantic parsing but it sounds like she didn't take it away so much as realize that she could no longer give it? If the plan is to henceforth limit/eliminate devices on vacation, I imagine she's telling everyone in her life not to expect much in the way of email/text. You're the only client who had vacation communication before, but I imagine her family and friends are probably getting a new policy too.

Anyway I can believe that it's brutal for you. I'm sensitive to perceived abandonment too and what your T is doing would cause me a lot of distress.

One last thought is this: Your T effed up a little, IMO. She shouldn't have told you she was giving you a unique and special privilege and having done so, she shouldn't have stopped. But she's human and she's modelling for you that humans eff up sometimes, we get to grow, reconsider and reset boundaries if we need to. This can be done kindly and respectfully and our relationships can survive painful changes. That's big stuff. Probably stuff that wasn't modelled for you as a child. You get to apply all that to YOUR life too if and when you need to.

I get how you feel.
If T had replied to you in her vacation and had said "I've read your email. We can talk about this whrn I get back"
Would that have helped? Or would you have wanted a more in depth answer?

Yes that would be enough. But she said no contact. She said this last vacation she didn't check her email at all. I am still allowed to email her, she just won't look at it until she comes back.

No, that helps: she isn't taking it away, she just can't give it. And I know she's human and makes errors. In her emails, she usually has grammatical errors. I like reading them because it makes her not perfect. And she has taken the blame and apologized a ton.

Again, it still feels personal. I don't know if that feeling will go away. And I'm scared for the next vacation. But your perspective and others perspective are really helping me calm down. So I guess it's not a punishment.

I'm sorry that's her lone on it.
My T always says "I'm only an email away" she may not reply immediately - not that I need to email her now whrn she is away - but she replied like she s just in the next room - . Knowing how crucial in my therapy this has been. I'm sorry some don't do it.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing some really tough work on understanding what this is bringing up for you and you are dealing with it in a really thoughtful way.

It’s crummy the way that she is doing it, but I will tell you that for me, even with my Ts consistent boundaries, it has been really painful still. My T has never allowed outside contact. The consistency is great but I have still felt all of those feelings of not cared about, not worthy enough, etc. I’m allowed to call and leave voicemails that she doesn’t answer until she returns, that’s it. My only “extra” is that she does call me when she is in the office for check-ins on a regular basis- she only works three days a week. On the other days, she’s completely MIA. For a long time, I felt horrible about it. Other people seem to have Ts that allow next to unlimited contact. I struggle with self harm and other tough things but other peoples Ts seem to give attention and yet my only recourse in the emergency room or a hotline or something. It’s been hard. Over time, though, I have come to understand that it’s not about not caring, that she just needs to recharge. She’s told me that she puts a lot of energy and attention into her role as a T and she needs to be able to just take a break once in a while- that it’s not personal. And on some level, I understand that it has taught me to be more independent and less reliant, in a healthy way. It sucks, and it’s painful. Holidays feel like torture (I’m in the middle of a three week break now- well, we are missing two weekly appts but with weekends it’s more like three) and it feels heartbreaking and lonely and awful but I just keep reminding myself that it will get better.

Anyway; sorry to go on and on. I really just wanted to say that I understand, and it’s tough.

I can relate to feeling punished . It’s ok with me for you to go on and on, there’s no law against it

(I would have used quotes re going on and on as I don’t experience you as that.. even if I did, everyone deserves to be heard.)