Told T how last week I dealt needed to email her but just couldn't. I felt so bad. The depression hurt. Plus it's so scary the feeling. I want to Judy sit with it. But can't. It's like being locked in a dark room.
T said "what's in the dark room?"
I replied "Hhhhmmm. I don't know"
That simple question threw me.
I added "I can't bear to even look to see what might be in it"
T said "what if it's empty?"
I was like, whoa. I cant even comprehend that. I'm so sure there must be something in there.
T said, we've talked about a lot of the awful things in your life. I'd be very surprised if there was anything new.
OK I say, why then if we've talked about eventing, and I'm not saying you're wrong, then went for it feel like there is something in the dark room?
T said, perhaps we haven't talked about them enough.
As she said that. A fearful memory of something was in my mind. I knew I'd talked and this over the years, but yet again, I felt salience. I was trying to work out why I couldn't just day what I was remembering, especially as I've talked about in the past. But I felt my tongue had gone.
T Askedwhere I'd gone.
I said, I've got a memory in my head, but I just can't talk want it even though we have talked about it before.
Then I said, I feel the comedian in me wanting to take over, and skeg that I changed the subject.
But they simple question

~~~~~~what if the room is empty~~~~~~~~~~

What
. . . . . . If
. . . . . . . . . The
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Room
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Is
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Empty.

[CantExplain]

My depression appeared to me as a black hole, a formless void in my chest that reached from edge to edge. As therapy progressed, it got smaller and developed a definite texture: it was like a lump of coal. And today it's not there at all.

[CantExplain]

The turning point in my depression story was when it ceased to be formless and started to have a definite shape. Then it stopped being a hopeless all-pervading pain, and became an enemy I could fight. And I did fight it, and in the end I won.

CONJECTURE: When you can "open your eyes" and "see" what's in the "dark room", you will have made huge progress.