[purplemystery]

I saw my former T throughout college, and terminated with her 4 years ago. It was a very intense, positive relationship for me, and back then I posted on here quite often about my feelings for her. She said that our relationship was rare, and that she would remember me forever. We ended out of necessity because I graduated, and she told me that I could email her occasionally to update her on my life, as long as I knew her replies would be "less counsel-y". I ended up emailing her every 6 months for awhile (she would give short replies such as "it was good to hear from you"), but after the third email she didn't respond. I think it's because my email may have been a bit too personal, and she felt uncomfortable responding to it. I told her of some of my dating struggles back then, as well as my surprise that my parents were getting divorced.

It has now been 2.5 years since that last email, and I am considering emailing her again because it is a significant transition point in my life: I have graduated with a Master's in social work and got engaged. My reasons for wanting to email her are:
1. I want her to know how I'm doing, as she was a very impactful person in my life at one point.
2. I feel I have unfortunately not quite integrated her into my memory as positively as I could/should have. I always struggled with attachment issues, and I guess I wonder how much she truly cared sometimes (although now that it has been so long I don't think about it as often as I used to). But if she were to reply, maybe I would get that connection back with her in the sense that I could remember our relationship more positively and know she cared.
3. There was one point when she refused to give her opinion as to whether I would be a good therapist, and I thought it was because she thought I would struggle in that career. It was a serious disappointment, as I wanted her to believe in me and I have always severely struggled with believing in myself. In grad school, I had an internship that was my dream job and it's almost like I want to prove to her that I could do it all along. I know that's not the best reason for emailing her.

Some potential reasons not to email her are:
1. What if she doesn't reply again? It has been a significant period of time since I last emailed her/terminated with her, so I feel like it wouldn't cross her boundaries (especially since she had told me once that I could email her). But there's always the possibility that she had changed her mind about me emailing at all.
2. What if she barely says anything in the email and I feel disappointed? I was a bit sad in the past when she gave short replies, but I understood that she did not want us to use email for a continuation of our relationship, but wanted it to be used for the passage of information.
3. My feelings for her have lessened since then. Back then, terminating with her felt like a lifeline was cut off. Now, I know I don't need to email her. But I almost wonder whether I have viewed our relationship in an cognitively-distorted, negative way since the last email due to my attachment issues. And perhaps if I got a response, it would help me to integrate my experiences with her in a new way.
4. Immaturely, a part of me doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of emailing her (although I doubt it would cause much more than slight interest quickly forgotten). She "rejected" me by not emailing me back, and emailing her again would tell her that she is still important to me. It was always so painful during my treatment with her because I knew I cared so much more about our relationship than she did, simply because I was the client. I wanted to be close with her, and saw her as a mother figure. I know I was a meaningful client for her, but it's hard to feel that inequality in feeling, and not emailing her keeps that "power" if that makes sense. I find myself imagining that my old T is wondering what I think of our relationship now, after all this time, and perhaps worrying about how I took it after she did not respond. I know this sounds very infantile, and I doubt I am that important to her.

Sorry this thread got so long--I just wanted to talk out all of my feelings, however irrational some of them may be. This forum was always so helpful to me 4+ years ago when I was in the thick of my transference with my old T. What are your thoughts as to whether I should email my old T a life update? Do you have any experience with contacting a former T, and what was that like for you?

[InnerPeace111]

I suppose there are any number of reasons as to why we do not (or even cannot) hear back from people who've had such a positive influence on our lives. I know that’s true for me as well. In a case like this, it helps me to try and “anchor” the experience along with the positive feelings/memories...to anchor the experience/feelings as opposed to the associated person. I guess that would be considered taking a more broad or general overview of the circumstance and then using that to move forward. I hope this makes sense!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I saw my former T throughout college, and terminated with her 4 years ago. It was a very intense, positive relationship for me, and back then I posted on here quite often about my feelings for her. She said that our relationship was rare, and that she would remember me forever. We ended out of necessity because I graduated, and she told me that I could email her occasionally to update her on my life, as long as I knew her replies would be "less counsel-y". I ended up emailing her every 6 months for awhile (she would give short replies such as "it was good to hear from you"), but after the third email she didn't respond. I think it's because my email may have been a bit too personal, and she felt uncomfortable responding to it. I told her of some of my dating struggles back then, as well as my surprise that my parents were getting divorced.

It has now been 2.5 years since that last email, and I am considering emailing her again because it is a significant transition point in my life: I have graduated with a Master's in social work and got engaged. My reasons for wanting to email her are:
1. I want her to know how I'm doing, as she was a very impactful person in my life at one point.
2. I feel I have unfortunately not quite integrated her into my memory as positively as I could/should have. I always struggled with attachment issues, and I guess I wonder how much she truly cared sometimes (although now that it has been so long I don't think about it as often as I used to). But if she were to reply, maybe I would get that connection back with her in the sense that I could remember our relationship more positively and know she cared.
3. There was one point when she refused to give her opinion as to whether I would be a good therapist, and I thought it was because she thought I would struggle in that career. It was a serious disappointment, as I wanted her to believe in me and I have always severely struggled with believing in myself. In grad school, I had an internship that was my dream job and it's almost like I want to prove to her that I could do it all along. I know that's not the best reason for emailing her.

Some potential reasons not to email her are:
1. What if she doesn't reply again? It has been a significant period of time since I last emailed her/terminated with her, so I feel like it wouldn't cross her boundaries (especially since she had told me once that I could email her). But there's always the possibility that she had changed her mind about me emailing at all.
2. What if she barely says anything in the email and I feel disappointed? I was a bit sad in the past when she gave short replies, but I understood that she did not want us to use email for a continuation of our relationship, but wanted it to be used for the passage of information.
3. My feelings for her have lessened since then. Back then, terminating with her felt like a lifeline was cut off. Now, I know I don't need to email her. But I almost wonder whether I have viewed our relationship in an cognitively-distorted, negative way since the last email due to my attachment issues. And perhaps if I got a response, it would help me to integrate my experiences with her in a new way.
4. Immaturely, a part of me doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of emailing her (although I doubt it would cause much more than slight interest quickly forgotten). She "rejected" me by not emailing me back, and emailing her again would tell her that she is still important to me. It was always so painful during my treatment with her because I knew I cared so much more about our relationship than she did, simply because I was the client. I wanted to be close with her, and saw her as a mother figure. I know I was a meaningful client for her, but it's hard to feel that inequality in feeling, and not emailing her keeps that "power" if that makes sense. I find myself imagining that my old T is wondering what I think of our relationship now, after all this time, and perhaps worrying about how I took it after she did not respond. I know this sounds very infantile, and I doubt I am that important to her.

Sorry this thread got so long--I just wanted to talk out all of my feelings, however irrational some of them may be. This forum was always so helpful to me 4+ years ago when I was in the thick of my transference with my old T. What are your thoughts as to whether I should email my old T a life update? Do you have any experience with contacting a former T, and what was that like for you?

Is it possible that this is a bittersweet moment in which you realize that your r/s with your therapist can never be reclaimed in its former structure and function?

I wonder if you have crossed a major boundary and you wish, in some way, that she could witness that crossing, but she can't, because she is no longer in your life in this way.

I may be totally off base

[Deejay14]

I don't think I would contact her. While it was a significant relationship for you that part of your life is over. I think it would just lead to more disappointment for you if she did not respond how you wanted her to respond. Being a student of social work, you I know that a relationship outside of therapy is not ethical. By her allowing email although infrequent you are now experiencing this. My advice move forward with your life and be celebrate your accomplishment in another way that will bring you happiness.

[Ididitmyway]

I don't think this is a question of "what I should do?" rather than "what I want to do?". I don't think "should" applies to this situation.

I don't know what exactly was going on in your therapy. "Positive, intense relationship" could mean many different things to different people. But, assuming that everything was ethical, there is no right or wrong here. It's purely your personal choice. Ask yourself whether you'd prefer to email her and to risk getting disappointed by her response or not to email her and keep wondering how she is still feeling about you.

It sounds to me like you haven't made a closure with her. If you still have the need to keep your connection with her, then something within you is still unfinished in regards to your relationship with her. It may be more important to figure out what it is than to figure out whether to email her or not.

[wheeler]

Can you see her in person or speak to her over the phone? A lot can get lost in email communication, including the possibility that she didn’t even get your last email.

Just a thought.

[Mully]

I would only email if you would truly be okay with not getting a response.

I understand your situation. I had a counsellor through an intense program I was in, and she promised the same thing. Over the couple of years following, she emailed back, and even travelled to my wedding (she came just for the ceremony) which meant a lot to me. Over the following years, I emailed her maybe once a year. The last email I sent was over my last daughter being born- almost five years ago. I didn’t get a response. It made me feel sad, but I decided to leave it all alone. I still have good memories of her, but I feel like if I were to email her again and she didn’t answer I would know it was intentional and it would feel worse to me somehow. Letting her go, and remembering her in a positive way, somehow feels easier.

Anyway, I hope you make whatever choice is best for you!

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Mully

I would only email if you would truly be okay with not getting a response.

It would be this for me. I've emailed someone because I needed closure, it was for my benefit not theirs and I went in knowing that he might not reply.

I am inclined to tell you to err on the side of caution. As another poster pointed out, the relationship between a therapist and client must remain strictly professional. I believe this includes those that continue once therapy has come to an end. You may thus not receive back the sort of email you hope to get back. My guess is that you will be greatly disappointed.

[StrawberryBell]

I kind of have a different take on it. I recently emailed a former T. It was a T that I was with for 6 years and we did some very good work together. I was prepared for the fact that she may not respond. She did respond, however, and it was a very validating response. I felt I still mattered to her - that she still thought of me - and that was really all I needed. After she emailed me back, I emailed her a response thanking her for the email and then added additional details about my life to the response. She did not respond to the follow up email. But that was okay with me. I got what I needed and she chose to maintain that professional boundary by not continuing the email conversation.

I hope you get what you need if you decide to email.

[purplemystery]

Thanks for your input, everyone. You all helped me to reflect more on this issue and I really appreciate it. I think for now I won't email her, although I won't 100% close off the option for the future. I think having the thought of emailing her tied me to her so that I didn't have to fully let go. Now I'm testing out what it's like to think that I will never email her again, and to process the emotions that go along with that. I would like to try to integrate her positively into my memories a bit more. Thanks again for your advice!

[feralkittymom]

I think you made a wise choice, not because of any standards of ethics or professionalism (which don't apply in this situation), but because you have a lot of ambivalence about her emotional place in your life. The work of integration is fully within your hands, not dependent upon her response anyway. I think contact works out best when you feel you want to, but don't feel any need to.