Needing some advice

Things have been great again with T lately since the rupture last month. We have actually been working in slow parts with some of my phobia stuff and it's been nice. Well, 2 of my phobias and no I'm not discussing them here, are not things you can really work on in the office as I'm not afraid of the videos or pics only the real thing. T has been discussing possible options for where to go with them for months. we had not really agreed on anything yet but seemed like we would eventually find a good plan

Well now apparently he can't help with either. Claiming some rules for the company about out of office session, yet he's done home visits..... and some insurance billing thing and I don't pay my insurance, I pay the company itself. I'm
feeling so down and defeated. He knows I have a very unsupportive family and no local friends so how he thinks I can otherwise work on this is beyond me.

He suggested my dog but that wont help, when I get in super fear mode, I'm not logical and not good be any good with having a dog. If it was that easy, I'd have done it by now

Anyway I know it's possible for T's to do stuff like this with a therapeutic element. I'd be paying him and it would be far from "fun" as it's about actual terrifying fears. Do you think there is any other options to try like possibly discussing this with his boss myself? He can't explain the details to her but I can and maybe knowing my situation, we would be able to work it out? Or if I pay cash or something? I feel so frustrated and there isn't much else to work on going forward with these two big ones gone. I don't wanna fail at them but unsure what else to do right now. T has already taken another issue away from me, because of his discomfort... and I refuse to discuss feelings related to him because of past issues

No "Get a new T" isn't the answer, it took over a year for me to get trusting enough to work with him at all on any of these. I'm not interested in trying to start all over with that again

I think asking about meeting with him and his boss together is an appropriate thing to ask for. But, I'd talk to him about that first, because he could otherwise feel like you're "going over his head" to his boss. In other words, be prepared for him to say he's not comfortable trying to convince his boss to change this boundary.

TMC, I'd for sure ask first. I'm not the kind of person to do something like that without running it by someone or asking first.

Plus I have social issues so the idea of talking to her makes me anxious anyway but I really wanna work on this and feel hopeless right now

In my opinion, I think any company change has to come from him advocating for you with the company. Can you talk to him more about whether he thinks it might be possible for him to change his boss's mind?

Anne

Confidenitality wont allow him to discuss the info with her. I'm honestly not sure I even believe it's a company rule.

Seems like there would be a way to give your consent for t to discuss the concerns with the boss, no?

If it’s not actually a company rule, then I see two possible reasons: 1) He doesn’t feel comfortable treating the phobia outside of the office; or 2) He has no desire or interest in working outside of the office and especially if this particular phobia treatment would need treating outside of regular office hours. At this point, if it was me, I’d let it go. It’s not likely to turn out well if pursued further with him. That’s just how it appears to me.

My T and I have worked on my phobia(s) using EMDR, in which she is trained. If your T is not trained in EMDR, perhaps you can find another T who is, just to work on this, not to replace your current T?

Just wanted to add that the best option seems to be to discuss other options with your T. I mean options that don’t involve him as the treatment provider for the particular phobia.

It sounds like the real trigger point here is that you don't necessarily believe it is a company policy -- that you think he's using that as an excuse to change this plan/not do what he said he would.

Does that sound right?

We tried EMDR, it didn't work...

I don't care as much about one of them as it's something I rarely encounter in life but one of them I've been deathly afraid of since I can remember and have avoided tons of fun things in my life because of it. That's the one I really want

More than anything I'm annoyed/hurt that he lead me on, thinking, he was ok with it and it was possible to do this and suddenly it isn't? TMC-- this is why I'm unsure if it is. He seems to throw everything around the company rules.... but he's the only T in this company, it's a company that does other stuff for the community.... so I would think he would more or less mostly have to go with rules from his licensing office. He probably has no idea how to help me no, or he doesn't wanna be seen in public with me, he's terrified that someone would spot him and assume things, which is dumb because if it can be proven it was therapy related, there would be no issue

Unsure if I can give consent to have him talk to her, that's never been brought up.

Do you think your therapist is the one who really doesn't want to do it, and he is using the company as an excuse? Is it going to hurt you if you find out that is the case?

I have found medical bureaucracies completely unmovable when it comes to changing their "rules," mostly because I think those rules are put into place to protect the company from lawsuits, rather than to actually benefit the client.

That said, I wonder if you will feel better about yourself if you at least try to advocate for yourself. Even if you aren't successful, the very process of confronting the supervisor is a little bit of exposure, which could help with your social anxiety. It does make sense to talk to your therapist first though to make sure he thinks it is a good idea.

MB

I was thinking that too with relation to the advocating/social issues.... it would be good experience for me... and I would for sure ask him

would I be hurt? No more than i already am. I would not be surprised, he is very odd. He acts very chummy and fun and kind one moment and then he spooks himself and goes into this "rules and ethics" mode and becomes someone I can't deal with so i shut down.

Yesterday I shut down, I didn't wanna talk to him anymore, I almost walked out but I ended up saying something funny and we moved past it.... it's how I cope...with humor.

I am unsure if emailing to ask about the boss ideas is best, or texting about or waiting a whole week to sit on this and ask next tues?

Also this isn't a medical company, my T is a T but he also does other jobs for them... it's mostly a place helping people with special needs in the area. So it might be something she could be more willing to bend on. She and him get along really well so that could also work in my favor, who knows

Instead of paying your t to accompany you, why not just pay an escort to accompany you? Find a group that participates in this activity and glom onto it. It really sounds like there are other options.

Just the fact that you are not willing to share the phobia with us, to get ideas from us, tells me that you are more invested in having your t accompany than in overcoming the phobia. This is not my first rodeo. Nor is it his. We have ALL been there. Dont you read our posts?!

No, it's out of embarrassment because it's a ridiculous and childish fear. I don't feel you need to know. It was hard enough to tell him.

Paying an escort? LOL... Ya...I'm not dealing with people I don't know to deal with a fear like this.

Also... I'm more hurt/annoyed that he gave me hope he would help me with this for months and now suddenly wont?? Of course I'd want someone I really trust there but no, it's not about "hanging out" as I said, I can't even imagine it being the least bit fun....

Does it really tell us that?

I can't tell you what your T thought, or what he said/wanted to say/whatever. But I think the only way to find out is talking to him. Ask him why he said for months that you'd do X, and now that you want to do X he won't?


Relationships are sometimes confusing. I do the same thing whenever I talk to someone, whether it's my boss, my janitor or my T: first I talk to them directly. If they fail to explain themselves, I go to their boss. If the boss backs them up but I still feel wronged, I go find another place where I feel comfortable. But the first step is always talking to the person who makes you feel like there's an issue. Maybe your T didn't mean to say that you two couldn't go there together at all, and it's all a misunderstanding. Or he might not be ready yet, and just want to wait a bit more.

We discussed it quite a bit. He didn't really say anything
When i said I was bummed it's suddenly not ok. Just said he didn't know proper codes for insurance and he doesn't have a license to do those things. So idk. He's not good at confrontation. He just hides behind rules

I would do some research and share that with your therapist and his supervisor, to support that this must take place in real life with him present, otherwise it just looks like you are angling to spend time with him outside for its own sake.


I did a quick search and did not find anything that said the only thing that works for some people is to have real life exposure with a therapist present, but I did not dig deeply. Having something scientific to back up your request will be more impactful, I would think.


The other issue is trust, which is separate from working on your phobia. If you feel he is not being honest, that's kind of a more important thing to sort out because from what I understand (and experience for myself) there is no way to work on something that deep if there is mistrust.

And then too: is he qualified to do this? Maybe he is aware of his own limitations and that's more the reason behind this reversal.

Ruh roh

Good points. It's not that it has to be a therapist but that i have to trust someone and have someone calm to talk me through my panic
He's all i have for that. This phobia comes from an incident that got me screamed and hollered at by my own mom when I was small. I never cried around family again. They have mocked me about it all my life so I cant use them.

Most people outside my family dont know. I hate telling people.

He may not know. Who knows. I do trust him but he uses the work rules thing so often for stuff I know other t do. I will guve him the benefit of the doubt but there's always a chance he's lying. Even people you really trust can lie to you

He's known about this since session 2 over a year ago. Just annoying it took that long to say oh it's against the rules

I bet there is lots of social pressure on your T to conform to the basic / tacit rules of never being somewhere off alone with a patient etc. I think about our group reaction to Annabegins ' T, and his habit of meeting with her in the front seat of a car or Starbucks, and how unprofessional it seemed. Do you think your T is worried about seeming like that to his peers?

Our T's seem completely opposite, but there is no way mine would even ride down in the elevator with any patient. He would say "I choose not to ride in the elevator with any patient" and not do it. I don't think there is anything I could do to get him to meet with me outside of the very composed office with everything in its place. For him though, I don't believe it is only bc of what his peers might think or his wife, but truly bc he believes the stronger his boundaries, the safer I feel with him. There is nothing- no argument, no behavior, no crisis, no occasion I can feasibly think of that would get him to go somewhere with me. We have a pretty intense relationship sometimes, and in the beginning it had sparkles. Any pull he had to go inside himself would cause him to double down on not going.

The X factor here is what lies in your T's heart. Would he want to do these things with you if the rules didn't exist or does he truly believe in the therapy process, and not want to go anywhere passed his training? You probably know the answer to this down deep- he wants to do this with you, but propreiety is stopping him or he doesn't want to do it with you , and he is using the rules as a rationale. I don't have a sense of which it it.

You say he hides behind rules, but at the same time, he bends conventional therapy ethics quite a bit with you, when he wants to. This is not my assumption but you acknowledged repeatedly that it's an unusual T relationship. It's not surprising to me that he is not good at dealing with confrontation, given that there would probably be a lot to confront him about.

If you want to know the truth, it may be a good idea to involve his boss at the company. But, let's say, he is not honest and his refusal is just his choice and not due to a rule - would finding that out help your goals in any form? Maybe it would be a good experience, giving you a sense that you control your therapy and do not accept manipulation, no matter how much you like him.

He probably is afraid of that but again, it's for therapy. it would be an actual session, just not in the office. He had no issues going into people's homes for therapy sometimes, so why is a public space so different? Highly unlikely anyone is gonna even know him there and if so, how can they know who I am?

Also... I would never get him in trouble. I know he does alot he shouldn't so that's where it gets confusing, how some is ok and some isn't. I have no control over my therapy. He does, and the rules. I have no choice but to go along, other than to quit. Kinda unfair really.

Its not unfair. All you do is show up. He has gone to school, done an internship, submitted to supervision, studied and applied and sworn and paid for licensure, dedicated x years. You show up and say you know better. All you know is what you want. Not even you, it's your subconscious pushing for it; you're its patsy. It's the real you and him against the force keeping you from living your life.

LOL, so it's fair I pay him to decide everything and It's supposed to be "my therapy"? Ya, it's not. It's why he leads every session. I don't have a say and I know that.

None the less, this is a bit off topic of my actual issue at the moment