[stormyisland]

Hopefully won't double post this as not sure what happened with the first attempt..

I wrote this and I don't know whether to share it with T or not. I'm obsessing about it and feel like I won't be able to focus on anything else in therapy until I've confessed. But then too scared to tell her. I thought if I'd show her it on paper I could just hand it over and it wouldn't be as hard as telling her. But what do you think? Could she freak out and terminate therapy?.. so this is what I wrote..

I can't cope with what's happening in therapy. I feel like the process of therapy and how it's making me feel is much worse and much more painful than why I seeked therapy in the first place. It's too painful and I can't cope with it. I'm keeping T's picture on my phone that I saved from Facebook. I have to check it twenty times a day for reassurance and comfort. First I looked through everything that was on her Facebook profile, then I checked at who her children are, looked at their pictures, felt sick at what I'd done and how beautiful they are and how inferior to them I am. And how they have got something so much more special than I will ever have when they've got T as a mum. And now I'm keeping her picture. It feels like I'm having to do something worse and something more intense every week to be able to feel close to her. What will it be next? This feels bad enough? And It feels like I'm doing something really forbidden and wrong and like I'm an intruder, a stalker stealing something of her that's not mine. Wanting to know things about her that are none of my business. And knowing full well she's got the right for privacy. I can't tell her because she will be horrified and scared. she might tell me off and I wouldn't be able to cope with that. And then she might tell me that for what I have done she will not be able to continue being my therapist. And that's a rejection that's worse than anything I've ever experienced and I would not be able to survive it. It's too big a risk to take. Even DH is telling me I shouldn't tell her because she will think I'm a stalker and be scared. And at the same time I wish she would be able to cope with the intrusion and help me. Because if she can't then I truly am the hopeless case I fear and nobody will ever be able to help me. I don't think it's possible she could be able to cope with it. Or to cope with me. I'm too much, too needy, too intense. Too much of all the wrong things and too little of all the right things. What a sad existence.

I really feel like she will probably tell me this is the end of the therapy and she can't work with someone like me who doesn't respect boundaries. And I think that would drive me to feel so suicidal I might actually crash my car like I always plan. Would I tell her that? I probably would and this is now starting to look even more like a pd picture than I thought... Fear of rejection and that leading to threatening with suicide.. I wish I had never started therapy.

[satsuma]

Stormyisland, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I think a lot of people can go through similar intense feelings when therapy uncovers these intense unmet needs, although I appreciate that might not seem reassuring when you're in the middle of it.
My thoughts are that it is probably possible to talk about this topic with your T, without necessarily telling her about downloading her picture and looking at the pictures of her children. (I actually don't think you're in the wrong either, it's her choice to publish those pictures on Facebook.) Could you start a conversation by saying that you are having really intense feelings of wanting to be close to T and feel connected to her, and that you are experiencing intense shame because of those feelings, that it makes you worry she will kick you out and you couldn't cope with that? OR if that feels too much, start by saying that you are having really difficult feelings that it might be helpful to share, but you also feel afraid to share then in case she wants to stop working with you and you couldn't cope with ending therapy? You could try one of those approaches and see how T responds, and take it from there?
Ive been in a similar dilemma when I started therapy, and talking about it with T was a huge relief for me. He was very accepting and reassuring about my feelings. I think most Ts know about these issues that can come up in therapy and it would maybe be more surprising if these things didn't happen. I know it doesn't happen wit everyone, but I think it does happen with many people.

Big hugs to you. I have been there. You express the intensity of the feelings so well. Satsuma has given you very good advice.

[stormyisland]

Thing is though that we have had that kind of general discussion about this before. It's more that the obsession together with what I've done is tipping me over the edge. And I definitely have been in the wrong. She has only published one picture of herself on her profile and her (grown up) child had commented on it. Her daughter's profile was completely public so I was able to work out through that who her other child and ex husband are and look at their pictures. So it was definitely definitely very wrong. And the picture I saved wasn't of her page either. It was taken of her by someone else and posted on a group page by these other people. So I'm actually a total creep and I can't justify any of my actions. It's a total compulsion though and I feel like I can always stop myself from doing something for a little bit and then I've got to go back for another hit.. it's horrible!!!

[Echos Myron redux]

I just want to normalise this a bit because I've done exactly the same with two therapists. In the end I said to my current therapist "please make your facebook friends private".
There is a way to make it so that comments don't show up on Facebook profile pics and if your T doesn't want you looking at that information they can make it not public. This is not about you being a creep, this is about you trying to fulfil your unmet needs.
Now I can't guarantee your T will respond to this well, because I'm sure many don't, but I want to tell you that what you have done is not at all unusual and in no way makes you a creep. People look at other people's Facebook pages all the time for any number of reasons, you are clearly doing it because you are missing something. That is important. Even the shame you are feeling is important because it is part of the work.
If you do decide to talk to your T about it, I sincerely hope she responds as she should- with acceptance and curiosity about what it means for you. You have no obligation to tell her and I think you should trust your instincts.
And again, this is not unusual or shameful behaviour. Therapy stirs these needs up.

[satsuma]

Honestly, I don't really agree that it's "definitely very wrong" and certainly not that you're a total creep. Her picture is public, and then her daughter comments on it and has a public profile. So all of that has been published to the public by T and her daughter. Anyone in the whole world is free to browse those pictures because that's what the internet is, and I'm sure T is very well aware of that. (At least you're not working for Cambridge Analytica )
Anyway, whether or not it's morally right or wrong, it's obviously causing you a lot of pain and distress that a) you feel unable to refrain from looking at these pictures and b) you are convinced that this means you are a terrible person. This is exactly the kind of thing that Ts are supposed to be able to help with, so again I think it would really really help you if you could have a conversation about it. Again, if it's too much to say it all in one go, you could say that you have done something that you think is very wrong and horrible, and that you think you need help with it but you feel too afraid to say what it is. You might get some relief from "talking about talking" and then hopefully you would eventually be able to speak openly about all these things with T.
You don't have to do anything of course, I'm just saying what I think would be helpful. I hope you feel a lot better soon

[maybeblue]

Regardless who published it, anything on the internet is public information. You didn't break into her house and look in her dresser drawers or install camaras so you could look at her naked. You looked at public information on the internet.

It might make her a little uncomfortable or annoyed, but if she's a good therapist she's going to be much more interested in why you did it. What is missing in your life that makes her so important that you can't think about anything else? Love? Empathy? A strong role model? You didn't break any laws or threaten her in any way did you? If you didn't, then I think it is highly unlikely that she will terminate with you over this. I think talking to her more about your obsession might really help you move forward in therapy, and even the worst case scenario has to be better than all of the worry you are experiencing.--and I really doubt it's going to be anywhere close to worst case scenario.

[DP_2017]

the only reason it is wrong is because of rules of therapy... and i disagree highly with many of them, different people respond differently to things. not every client will do well in a "one sided relationship" etc...

anyway, i would share this but not all the details, just say the thoughts of her can become too much at times or something. i would not tell her about all the info of searching so much.

my T knows about all my searches but that was because very early on he said he had Facebook and linked in etc and clients are more than welcome to look, he wont accept requests but looking is ok, so it felt normal very early for me.

feelings like this are normal, though frustrating. i get that. the other thing i do wanna add, is sadly there is a chance it could go "badly" depending on how your T feels. some do terminate or send their client elsewhere if they feel the attachment is too much. my T handled hearing that i loved him, beautifully, but the idea of me being afraid of lose him, spooked him so much we nearly ended everything.

so you are not a creep, its sad that rules make you feel as such, you are a normal, curious human. just be cautious with what to say. best of luck to you

[stormyisland]

Thank you so much everyone. My therapist is really experienced and absolutely lovely. She has reassured me lots around this and other issues saying it's all normal and acceptable feelings. And once I was telling her about worrying about disclosing something and she was asking if I worried that she wouldn't be able to handle what I'd tell her and whether I worried that I would be too much for her to handle. And she reassured me it would never be the case and that she would be able to handle my "intensity" and obsessing. My gut feeling says she will deal with this beautifully like she has done with everything else but it's the what if that worries me. She is such an amazing person and such a skilled and kind therapist that I really don't want to lose her. I liked satsumas suggestion of approaching it carefully by talking about talking and telling her about the shame and the guilt first. That's how we've approached really difficult topics before. So so so grateful to all of you. I really felt like this is so important to talk about but didn't think there'd be any chance I could do it. Now I feel like I might be able to.

[satsuma]

I'm sure you can do it, StormyIsland! And I hope and think that your T will stay true to form in being kind and patient, and will be able to help you with these things.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stormyisland

Hopefully won't double post this as not sure what happened with the first attempt..

I wrote this and I don't know whether to share it with T or not. I'm obsessing about it and feel like I won't be able to focus on anything else in therapy until I've confessed. But then too scared to tell her. I thought if I'd show her it on paper I could just hand it over and it wouldn't be as hard as telling her. But what do you think? Could she freak out and terminate therapy?.. so this is what I wrote..

I can't cope with what's happening in therapy. I feel like the process of therapy and how it's making me feel is much worse and much more painful than why I seeked therapy in the first place. It's too painful and I can't cope with it. I'm keeping T's picture on my phone that I saved from Facebook. I have to check it twenty times a day for reassurance and comfort. First I looked through everything that was on her Facebook profile, then I checked at who her children are, looked at their pictures, felt sick at what I'd done and how beautiful they are and how inferior to them I am. And how they have got something so much more special than I will ever have when they've got T as a mum. And now I'm keeping her picture. It feels like I'm having to do something worse and something more intense every week to be able to feel close to her. What will it be next? This feels bad enough? And It feels like I'm doing something really forbidden and wrong and like I'm an intruder, a stalker stealing something of her that's not mine. Wanting to know things about her that are none of my business. And knowing full well she's got the right for privacy. I can't tell her because she will be horrified and scared. she might tell me off and I wouldn't be able to cope with that. And then she might tell me that for what I have done she will not be able to continue being my therapist. And that's a rejection that's worse than anything I've ever experienced and I would not be able to survive it. It's too big a risk to take. Even DH is telling me I shouldn't tell her because she will think I'm a stalker and be scared. And at the same time I wish she would be able to cope with the intrusion and help me. Because if she can't then I truly am the hopeless case I fear and nobody will ever be able to help me. I don't think it's possible she could be able to cope with it. Or to cope with me. I'm too much, too needy, too intense. Too much of all the wrong things and too little of all the right things. What a sad existence.

I really feel like she will probably tell me this is the end of the therapy and she can't work with someone like me who doesn't respect boundaries. And I think that would drive me to feel so suicidal I might actually crash my car like I always plan. Would I tell her that? I probably would and this is now starting to look even more like a pd picture than I thought... Fear of rejection and that leading to threatening with suicide.. I wish I had never started therapy.

First. Breathe. Then, realize that many of the things you THINK may play out, are not all that likely to play out.

Then. Breathe. It is up to HER whether you are too needy to deal with..let her make that call. She has dealt with needy, intense people before -- that's why she is a good therapist.

Finding out things, via online searching, is not an uncommon strategy for clients. I think they have come to expect a fair amount of this from clients. Enforcing boundaries is the therapist's task -- not yours in this case.

I'm betting that if you come clean to your t about this, you will find that it opens a whole new area of trust and progress. But that's just my two cent's worth.