Unethical Ex-T

I don't see this as a stand up for one's self sort of situation. This person is not the sort of friend you want and that is fine, but I don't actually see that she has done anything to the OP except be a flaky friend. And it is fine to get rid of a flaky friend, but the reaction from OP seems more like a hurt due to a difference in the vision of what the friendship was supposed to be. I have flaky friends that act the way this person is portrayed. They are not going to be different than how they are - I can either accept that and decide there is something I like about them enough to deal with them but not rely on them or decide I just don't want to bother with them at all. But confronting them really would not get me or them anywhere. They are who they are and they do not owe me anything. I don't see here that the ex-therapist has a duty to be any particular sort of friend to the OP.
I am not saying it is not understandable that having such a friend can be annoying, just that I don't see the ex-therapist as having done anything confrontation worthy to the OP

also Anne's

I am not assuming my ex-T is guilty based on others’ accusations. I am going based on her own words in the testimony she gave to the board. She said she was guilty on at least some of the counts and then admitted to destroying evidence. There is also email evidence she sent to the clients. There is not one count of this behavior with one client, but several. And the way things unfolded, with more than one client, are also all too familiar. My relationship with her is platonic, but the comments made and actions taken by this T with other clients are almost identical to how she has behaved with me— they just ended with a friendship and not more. Like I recognize the exact words she said to these other clients, because she said them to me. Objective dates in the documents also demonstrate other lies she told me and other unethical things she did which do apply to me, just not sexual things. Aside from not wanting to associate with someone who takes advantage of other clients, I am (I think rightfully) upset that she flat out lied to me about all of these things on a regular basis for years. Not only did she lie about what she did to others, but she lied to me about things like when she lost her license and how much notice she was given (she had six months notice and only told me by walking into session one day and saying “this will be our last session,”, preventing me from having any kind of closure session or opportunity to find a new T in advance and she left me with no referrals). I think that’s ****ed up. She told me she had no notice, but she did. She agreed, in the documents, to begin terminating with clients several months in advance. She also stopped going through my insurance, forcing me to pay cash if I wanted to keep seeing her during this period when she was supposed to terminate all clients. Of course, I was given a lie about why she stopped taking insurance— now it’s very clear why she stopped taking insurance. She also incorporated her business under a revoked license, which is unethical and against the law. Those are not “she said, she said” accusations, but objective facts. And I feel sick to my stomach that I referred close friends to her practice and defended her to them, trusting they were in good hands with the Ts in her practice. But she’s also not the only T in that practice to plead guilty to sleeping with clients and lose their license. There is one more who had a very public relationship with a client, and another who was charged with insurance fraud. My T is the sole owner of that practice, and was aware of both of these situations. Looking back, I Los see a lot of red flags in her interactions with me that I brushed off at the time because I really trusted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt. For instance, when I was her client, her daughter (who I had never met) knew my name, that I was a client, and personal details about me. She also told me personal details about other clients and about people we knew in common. She also told me private details about her romantic relationships during session. At the time, I thought “well, she’s trying to be relatable, or draw comparisons to what I’m working on in therapy.” But if I’m being honest, they were not really relevant and they made me uncomfortable.

I do not want to write my T a letter. I want to talk to her about this. I recognize that she will probably not “hear” me, but I want the chance to tell her how I feel and how I feel impacted by the things she did that directly affect me. I don’t want to do it for her benefit, but for my own.

Yes, I do think my T is a narcissist. Or at least I think she has narcissistic traits. I did find it odd, during therapy, that she would frequently talk about how several of her clients and several of her colleagues were in love with her. She also once accused me of having romantic feelings for her, which I explained I did not. I did have an attachment, but not in any way a romantic one. Now I wonder if perhaps that question was a way that she grooms clients? Or maybe she just really believes everyone is in love with her? But, for the lesbians who will understand this, I’m into high femmes and my T was soft butch. Like, there was zero chance of an attraction, which I made clear. And she didn’t bring it up again, so I wrote it off as a weird misunderstanding. Now, I’m replaying all of these moments in my head and seeing them as a lot of red flags. In terms of other narcissistic traits, she constantly talks about how she is the head of this huge therapy practice, and how she does everything for her therapists and how they are ungrateful. And how she works herself to the bone for them (although she’s on vacation more than she is at work). And how no one can understand how hard her life is (as she goes and buys a new sports car and a second house). Previously, I thought she was the owner of a legitimate business who was doing well for herself. Now I realize that her business was illegal the whole time, and she knew that and did it anyway.

Definitely a narcissist. She used her power to abuse others. She also used it to groom vulnerable clients.
If my t had behaved like that and asked if I liked her I would have said yes and god knows what happens then.
It sounds like she actually started to believe her own lies!
I am glad that you know your truth and aren’t afraid to speak it.
What she did was very wrong and she had no remorse and in fact is very narcissistic because she is still playing the victim and blaming everyone else. Everyone is out to get her. She even has a grandiose image of herself as a very important and respectable practice owner manager.
I am surprised she got away with it for so long. She was very good at manipulating and convincing people she was who she believed she was and who they wanted her to be, the perfect t. Unfortunately there is no such thing as the perfect t.

Yes, your memory of the sequence of events is correct. She did simply disappear for a few months with no explanation. I showed up to a locked door for my session and had no clue what had happened. When she returned, she would only take cash. I don’t think she lied about having the health condition but I do think she used it as an excuse and “cover” for the ethical violations that were really the reason she lost her practice. Ever since then, she has failed to be supportive to me, either as a T or a friend. It feels to me like she changed overnight buy perhaps the truth is that I got to see behind the mask.

Yes, I think it was about her ego rather than a strategic plan. I actually do think she cares about me, but she cares more about herself and her reputation. I think she has used me for self-validation, but probably unconsciously. I don’t think she is aware of how manipulative she is. I think she really believes her own lies.

I believe the things she has done to me that I want to point out to her are:

Lying to me about the truth of the allegations (because I said if they were true I wanted nothing to do with her)

Charging me for therapy sessions when she was not licensed to practice

Failing to inform me she was losing her license and schedule termination sessions with me, when she was ordered by the board to do so with all clients

Telling me I was the only client she ever asked to have a friendship with, and that this was a testament to the strength of our connection and not an indication of poor boundaries (by her own admission to the board, she has been having friendships and sexual relationships with clients since 2008)— and this was said to easy my hesitancy at accepting her offer of friendship because I was concerned about the boundary crossing

Violating the boundaries I said I needed in our friendship: not making plans with me if she can’t follow through on them, not agreeing to do things for me (sign a form) if she couldn’t commit to following through because it would pose consequences for me, in my life, and if she couldn’t do it I needed to find someone else, and not allowing me to spend money on plans/reservations if she couldn’t commit to showing up because I would lose my money)

I would also want to confront a person who had transgressed with me so flagrantly.

Now that you outline these trust-busting patterns so clearly, I can see where you are coming from.

BUT ....you knew this was coming...do you think that she is going to own these problems and change? Or are you doing this because you think it is going to give you some satisfaction to have your "say"?

From my perspective, I think the chances are great that she will get defensive, lash out and question your perceptions in such a way that it will amount to MORE gaslighting and frustration and bewilderment for you.

I think you may have had a brush with a sociopath. Um. Wait. I'm am not qualified to make this observation; nor have I met her. I'll go with a harmful assclown.

I think cutting your losses may be your best strategy. I'm sorry that ALL of this has happened. I hope you can salvage a bit of wisdom from this mess, and I hope that the fleas of a thousand camels infest her armpits.

scorpiosis37, I'm so sorry you had to undergo this.

I've had extremely poor results confronting people who've proven deceitful and self-deceiving. They have been masters at deflection, projection and gaslighting, and I've had no satisfaction confronting them.

Therapists have very few concrete rules, and I find a therapist who violates a primary one constructs her own reality.

In retrospect, I regret spending energy trying to penetrate my unethical therapists' arrogant shells. Everything I said bounced off and only hurt me. My therapists continued their merry ways, unfortunately.

I’m 99% sure she will deflect, try to gaslight me, own nothing, and never change. I simply want to say my peace because I think I deserve to stand up for myself. I’m not looking for her to say or do anything. It’s not about her. It’s about doing what will give me closure, and getting this off my chest (even if she doesn’t hear me) will give me that.

I see her friendship with you as unethical, at least for the first two years (or whatever number of years is specified by her ethical code) after the end of therapy.

Losing a license does not free a therapist from commitments made while she had a license. For example, a therapist who has lost her license is not suddenly free to reveal everything told to her during therapy sessions. On the contrary, she remains bound by the confidentiality that her license required her to uphold.

Wow what a terrible mess. Can we just close the therapy biz down now please?

I also remember when you initially posted about the accusations

it's why I hate when ppl say "oh so and so would never do that"

you really just don't know what people do behind closed doors

and I assume most therapists hit with accusations like these create the obsessive crazy patient story to cover up their behavior

I would just straight up tell her you know the truth and do not wish to continue communicating.

I’m so sorry Scorpiosis. I hope you can get the closure you need.

I’m remembering your posts now and I remember being confused why your t was so abrupt in shutting down her practice. It’s your choice to confront her but I suspect it could be infuriating even further.

I am now remembering something about your ex therapist.
Hopefully I am not mixing you up with somebody else.
Didn’t your ex therapist also date another therapist at some point and you found out that this other therapist had had a previous relationship with a client of hers?
I remember you were quite distraught about that fact because it showed poor judgment on your ex therapist’s part since she was dating that woman.
This was maybe two or three years ago.

And then it was resolved since your ex therapist told you that she was no longer dating that woman. In any case, this shows that your ex therapist has had terrible boundaries and poor judgment (to say the least) for quite some time.

I hope I am not remembering wrong.

All this to say that I hope this massive breach of trust doesn’t compromise the work you have done with her. I am so sorry about your situation, it’s such a ****ing mess.

You might find it useful to stop referring to your association with this unprofessional as a "friendship" since it did not bear the characteristics of care or friendship. I am making a minor point really and a word is just a word, but since words are how we mostly express our experiences it might be empowering for you to use a word which accurately reflects her transgressions to you/abuses to others.

Yes, that was her. Yet another indication of poor boundaries and further indication of guilt. If she were wrongly accused of sleeping with clients herself, would she really date someone who did that and then try to tell me it was really the client’s fault? At the time, she told me her then-partner was a wonderful person who was being victimized by an unstable client.

*sigh* of course, the usual default excuse for when a therapist can't smell their own s#*t....always the fault of the 'unstable client' instead of the narcissistic T.

sorry you are having to deal with this when all you were wanting was someone to help you with your issues. i'm glad you can see that you deserve better then to have this toxic woman in your life

Was she accused of sexual misconduct?

This scares me so much. I had to file an ethics complaint against my former social worker. I don't know for sure yet but I'm sure she's gonna pull this same ****. The thing is though I have so so so much evidence in the form of tx messages but I'm still worried.

That T is not a friend! She's a manipulator. You don't know for sure if you're the only person she wanted o keep in contact with (be friends) She is cruel .

since when it it illegal to own a psychotherapy practice? as long as someone who is licensed is providing the supervision to the clinicians offering services... there is no violation. im confused.

The OP said the practice was incorporated under the therapist's revoked license. Doesn't seem very legal to me, regardless of whether or not she was practicing.