Do you have a safe ....

I’m looking for some insight here, hopefully, not just yes or no answers

I’m wondering if you have a “safe address” where you can say almost anything without censoring almost everything you say.

Without the person being judgmental and definitely without them lashing out in a mean way.

I think that a therapist is supposed to provide that?

I’m not talking about family members, and in particular not parents. My parents (PUs) did not provide a safe enough address/space where I could just “be” and grow.

Yes I have that with three of my sister's, a friend and my pastor. In return I give them that same respect. My therapists have also provided that. At times when I felt I didn't get that was when I did not hear something as it was intended be it family or professional.

Yes I do. (((((Fuzzybear))))

..........................

To answer my own question.... I do have a safe enough space, and where that is isn’t being disclosed.

Hugs

my therapist is my safe space.

No, I do not. My current T and my ex T are the closest to that and what I say with current T is still heavily censored. We are getting braver though.

Yes, my therapist. I don't feel safe being fully open with people around me.

No unless you count this forum and one other forum that I feel safe on

I have a few safe enough people my husband and my beat friend. I say safe enough be wise I know they are always here for me and can tell them almost everything. What I don't tell them is to protect them. I always felt safe with T and mostly safe with EMDR T. I say mostly because while she has always been great and proven to be safe, it will take me time to feel really safe.

I feel like I can say most things to my husband, best friend, and therapist.

I've never felt like I can disclose 100% of my feelings with anyone.

Yes, that would be my T and my partner. With both sometimes I decide not to share something, but as I've learned it is pretty normal to not want to share everything. If there's something I feel the need to share with somebody, I can go to either of them and know that I won't get bad reactions. When I have to choose, I usually choose my T though.

Only with T.

Sometimes I have to take a look at what I put out there in terms of understanding whether there is judgment or lashing out happening. If I'm being judgmental or lashing out, it is often returned to me. If I work on being less judgmental or lashing out, I find I get less in return. If I work on being more open with others, especially if I can put a damper on the judgment or the lashing out, I get more openness in return. I have ample opportunity to practice this with my 17 year old.

In terms of T, the only things I censor are those I'm not yet ready to admit to myself. I have never experienced meanness in T, who hasn't been judgmental or lashed out at me. I have lashed out and have been met with a "don't lash out at me" calm response, which I think is perfectly appropriate. I certainly don't have to censor anything because I'm afraid of his response, but then again, it isn't personal to him. Why should my life generate judgment or meanness from him? I'm just as perfect and broken as the next person.

“Why would my life generate judgment or meanness from him. I’m just as perfect and broken as the next person...”

Agreed, I don’t know of many (any) who would go into therapy hoping for further judgment and meanness.... what a waste of time. At best.

I don’t necessarily think that if/when I suspend judgment of others (which I always try to do) that I receive that good in return. But from most people... yes.

17... I have many memories of my parental units of the abuse they inflicted on me when I was 17, and I don’t use that term - abuse - lightly.

And of course, if I could find a way to wipe my brain “clean” of the sub optimal memories I would.

As many (most) here know, I did consult a therapist for a long time. In short, he was not helpful. The space I paid for was not safe.

That means you got bad therapy, as I'm pretty sure I've written before. I think I understand your story as one where you were very hurt by therapy. I just wonder-- and you don't have to answer for any reason, including you are just not ready yet-- how do you move forward from here?

Hmmm... On reflection, I have a small handful of at least "relatively safe addresses", but I always ask myself, "Who needs to know?" Consequently I do not believe my internal censor is ever completely off duty.

Hi Rohag, thank you for your thoughtful response to the question I actually asked. I’m not sure about my internal censor....

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

This one is interesting

Hugs to you ((((( whispershadow )))))

“What I don’t tell them is to protect them” - I can relate to that. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

Thanks ... I can mostly relate to this. Thanks for putting the thought into your reply. I don’t have a T I can trust but I do have Papa Bear and a couple of other people who I know I won’t get a bad reaction from.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I can disclose 100 percent of my feelings with anyone either .. is that normal.. I don’t know. Maybe

To me the most important thing is that Fuzzy got hurt. Yes, it was "bad therapy". And, for me after many tries, I don't think there is such a thing as "good therapy". Maybe that's just for me and the conditions that I went to therapy with. But the numbers of people for whom that is true is not insignificant, although few studies are looking into that, why it happens, and what, if anything, to do about it.

Interesting question and, sorry, all I have to offer is a "no". Therapy was definitely not a safe address for me. Like another poster, I feel safest, probably, on this forum. And so I keep trying -- offering up what I have to say, see what responses I get, and trying to learn from that how to "be" in the world and not get hurt. Or, if hurt, to mellow out some and recover.