A weird moment in therapy

A couple of days ago, at my session, towards the end, I shared a poem I wrote with T. I've never done that before.

He starts reading, silently. He gets through the first stanza, then pauses, looks at me, and says, “I’m crying already.” He looks at me with such sympathy/empathy that I squirm. His eyes have tears. He reads further. This is hard. I look away. By reading this poem, not only is he in my mind, but my writing, which is so important to me, is on display. I feel doubly vulnerable. He makes noises of sympathy as he reads, then he says, "I like this line, like it a lot.” He reads further, then is done. He turns to me and emotes so strongly. I am almost knocked over. In this poem, I have shared my insides with him, the pain of my marriage, and the pain of my divorce, and he feels it, and reflects it back. It is almost more than I can take. I have put my pain into my poem so have been left almost empty. But by reading, he feels it and gives it back, and I feel it, more strongly through him than on my own. It is a powerful experience. He is almost crying again, and so serious, looking at me. I feel like he has finally understood. At last, I say, “that’s what is going on inside of me.” He says, “this is publishable, a poem about the experience of emotional abuse.” My eyes go downcast. He sees my life. This poem has communicated something to him that the many hours of our talking have somehow not. I am awed by the power of the written word. But we needed months to get to this point of closeness in order for me to share this poem. I am in awe of our relationship. I want to comfort him, as if it is his pain, because he feels it so strongly and I feel it more strongly through him, because to me, after so many years, it has grown mundane and I have many walls and defenses. And he has none against my pain. I am confused by what is happening, who is hurting and whose pain this is and who should be comforting whom. For a moment, it was as if we were one; we merged.

It was so freaky, now I'm wondering if I imagined this. We pretty quickly went back into "normal" therapy mode. What happened?

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I am confused by what is happening, who is hurting and whose pain this is and who should be comforting whom. For a moment, it was as if we were one; we merged.

It was so freaky, now I'm wondering if I imagined this.

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Hi Sunny,

I'm sure you didn't imaine this. I have experienced this "oneness" as well. It's so special and so awesome. When we are not accustomed to having our emotional needs understood and met from outside ourselves we doubt the experiene. But it can happen and gives us hope for future relationships.

I'm so happy for you. Beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing, but I understand why you would call it a "weird moment." I have had a similar experience in therapy and it was pretty much too intense for me to handle.

As far as "I am confused by what is happening, who is hurting and whose pain this is and who should be comforting whom."-- It seems as though your therapist was experiencing the deepest level of empathy-- he was truly experiencing your feelings with you. It is still your pain, only he is feeling it right along with you so that it hurts him too. And he can feel your hurt so much. When it gets this deep and he is able to reach your feelings on that level, it can seem as though the two of you are are one. In regards to comforting, sometimes if the experience is really intense, it is sometimes okay for the therapist and patient to comfort each other. When I had the analytic couch experience, T seemed to take it even harder than I did. He said that he knew how painful it was for me and it became that painful for him, too. A couple weeks ago when we had revisted this, I told him that even though it was a difficult experience it was so important to me, mostly because of the connection afterwards. T said, "I think we calmed each other down." I'm so happy that this happened for you, Sunny.

Thanks, sister and pinksoil.

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It is still your pain, only he is feeling it right along with you so that it hurts him too. And he can feel your hurt so much. When it gets this deep and he is able to reach your feelings on that level, it can seem as though the two of you are are one.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">pink, yes, that is exactly what happened. Thank you for helping me understand it better.

Even though I have been in therapy for over a year with T, surprising things like this still happen. And I feel like "WTH just happened? what was that?" Sometimes I wish I had a Cliff notes to therapy. When something happened in session that was new or confusing, I would tell T, "hold on a minute," whip out my Cliff notes, and figure it out. I guess I could always just ask T, "what just happened?" (way too easy and logical), but wow, it was just so intense, I couldn't even think straight. Cliff notes seem easier.

I keep seeing his face, so filled with my pain.

(((((((sunrise)))))))
All I can say is .. wow. That sounds like something really special that you two shared. I don't even know you and yet i'm proud of you for showing him you're poem. That must have took a lot of courage, and trust ... you two must have quite a good relationship.
I wouldn't worry too much about it going "back to normal" afterwards or anything ... it sounds as if that moment really meant a lot to the both of you, and it doesn't matter what happened afterwards ... just that it happened. Hold on to that. A connection like that with another human being, reaching that level of understanding and empathy...is what makes life real. And its moments like those that give you hope that what you are doing is worthwhile ... that you are doing something right. And hey, who doesn't like to feel like that
Anyhow, thats just my two cents.
Take care
Jacq