[chihirochild]

Hi PC peeps. I'm feeling sad and could use some support.

On Wednesday morning (after working a 14 hour night shift) I saw my pdoc at 9am for our terminal session. It sucked. I felt good about the fact that I told him why some of the stuff he'd said had hurt me. But with three minutes left he said, "I have enjoyed working with you. I'm going to miss you." I just couldn't come up with anything to say, and I told him so. He said that was okay, but I didn't feel okay about it--I knew I needed help coming to feel like there had been some kind of resolution; that's why I had asked him how to do a good termination when we met two weeks ago. But he apparently hadn't come up with anything. And I was still sitting there exactly one minute past the end of session and he said "it's time." Like, shooing me out the room. So I left. F--- him.

Four minutes later (at 9:45), I saw my T for the first time in two months. She had been out of the country because her mother was sick. In a way that sounded rehearsed, she said that her mother had died, that she was fine, that she was back at work (which was a funny thing to say because duh you're back at work I'm sitting in your office). I said I was sorry. She thanked me. We started talking about what had gone on with me while she had been away, just giving a summary really. And then I explained that the new program I'm in at the hospital said I could see her one more time and we made an appointment to meet for the last time next Tuesday. I asked her if she had any bright ideas about how to make termination feel okay and she said, "you know, we really don't get trained very well on that." I joked that maybe she could come up with something before Tuesday and she laughed and said she'd see what she could do.

I had hoped that it would feel good to see her again but it didn't, really. I was just so damn tired (nights are just bloody exhausting--the shifts are long and stressful, and the circadian rhythm struggle is real). And I was upset about the crappy ending with pdoc. I also had hoped that she and I might have some kind of meaningful conversation about her being gone, I guess. It was jarring that she left so suddenly, and it was such an... I dunno, evocative experience when she called me, crying, to tell me that she was going to be gone. It felt like a role reversal... and while obviously that's not the point of therapy (me taking care of her) it did have a powerful effect on me. She did ask me how it had been for me while she was gone. And at one point she was trying to get me to talk about this thing that has been going on with my mother and after hesitating for a long time I said, "I'm having a hard time saying this to you because your mother just died," and she said that was okay and encouraged me to continue. But I guess I dunno maybe I wanted to be able to provide some comfort (even though that would probably have just made her feel crappy/inadequate--that's how I would feel if one of my patients felt she had to comfort me, and I'm not even a therapist just a regular doctor). If we had more than one session left I'd bring it up but there really isn't any time. I don't know what we'll talk about on Tuesday, and frankly I'm pretty pissed off that I'm not getting better guidance on that front. I'm the freaking patient here, I'm not the one who is supposed to know how to make this feel okay.

To top it off, I have to go to the first session of Group tomorrow at 3pm, which means that I have to wake up at 2pm (the psych hospital is a 30-45min drive away depending on traffic), go to work at 6pm, and then work until 8am, which is ridiculous. I didn't want to change care teams in the first place, I don't want to be in a program with mandatory group with a bunch of people who can like just barely behave themselves in public (this is the first official session but I've met several of the group members already because they made us do this stupid infantilizing Psychoeducation Group before we could start the program and a few of the other patients are just God-awful to be around). And then on Monday I'm back on day shifts and have to see my new T, whom I still don't like, at 9am sharp.

This is all starting to sound angry but really I just feel sad. Like an empty-inside-and-nothing-can-fix-it kind of sad. One of the predominant features of my depression is that I long to feel held and contained.... and this experience has pretty much been the opposite.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

((chihiro))
I wish I had words that would help.
Both interactions sound kind of...mechanical, or something, on their sides. Of course you’re angry and sad. That just stinks. I’m sorry. I hope your t is able to think through a way to wrap up that’s connected and meaningful for both of you at your next session.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

((chihiro))
I wish I had words that would help.
Both interactions sound kind of...mechanical, or something, on their sides. Of course you’re angry and sad. That just stinks. I’m sorry. I hope your t is able to think through a way to wrap up that’s connected and meaningful for both of you at your next session.

—-you could set goals in leaving, but it’s more imp to focus on the future as the other poster said. Make it short and sweet w yr demanding schedule. Thank them if they helped u overall and launch yrself into an even better stage of yr life!!!

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Hi PC peeps. I'm feeling sad and could use some support.

On Wednesday morning (after working a 14 hour night shift) I saw my pdoc at 9am for our terminal session. It sucked. I felt good about the fact that I told him why some of the stuff he'd said had hurt me. But with three minutes left he said, "I have enjoyed working with you. I'm going to miss you." I just couldn't come up with anything to say, and I told him so. He said that was okay, but I didn't feel okay about it--I knew I needed help coming to feel like there had been some kind of resolution; that's why I had asked him how to do a good termination when we met two weeks ago. But he apparently hadn't come up with anything. And I was still sitting there exactly one minute past the end of session and he said "it's time." Like, shooing me out the room. So I left. F--- him.

Four minutes later (at 9:45), I saw my T for the first time in two months. She had been out of the country because her mother was sick. In a way that sounded rehearsed, she said that her mother had died, that she was fine, that she was back at work (which was a funny thing to say because duh you're back at work I'm sitting in your office). I said I was sorry. She thanked me. We started talking about what had gone on with me while she had been away, just giving a summary really. And then I explained that the new program I'm in at the hospital said I could see her one more time and we made an appointment to meet for the last time next Tuesday. I asked her if she had any bright ideas about how to make termination feel okay and she said, "you know, we really don't get trained very well on that." I joked that maybe she could come up with something before Tuesday and she laughed and said she'd see what she could do.

I had hoped that it would feel good to see her again but it didn't, really. I was just so damn tired (nights are just bloody exhausting--the shifts are long and stressful, and the circadian rhythm struggle is real). And I was upset about the crappy ending with pdoc. I also had hoped that she and I might have some kind of meaningful conversation about her being gone, I guess. It was jarring that she left so suddenly, and it was such an... I dunno, evocative experience when she called me, crying, to tell me that she was going to be gone. It felt like a role reversal... and while obviously that's not the point of therapy (me taking care of her) it did have a powerful effect on me. She did ask me how it had been for me while she was gone. And at one point she was trying to get me to talk about this thing that has been going on with my mother and after hesitating for a long time I said, "I'm having a hard time saying this to you because your mother just died," and she said that was okay and encouraged me to continue. But I guess I dunno maybe I wanted to be able to provide some comfort (even though that would probably have just made her feel crappy/inadequate--that's how I would feel if one of my patients felt she had to comfort me, and I'm not even a therapist just a regular doctor). If we had more than one session left I'd bring it up but there really isn't any time. I don't know what we'll talk about on Tuesday, and frankly I'm pretty pissed off that I'm not getting better guidance on that front. I'm the freaking patient here, I'm not the one who is supposed to know how to make this feel okay.

To top it off, I have to go to the first session of Group tomorrow at 3pm, which means that I have to wake up at 2pm (the psych hospital is a 30-45min drive away depending on traffic), go to work at 6pm, and then work until 8am, which is ridiculous. I didn't want to change care teams in the first place, I don't want to be in a program with mandatory group with a bunch of people who can like just barely behave themselves in public (this is the first official session but I've met several of the group members already because they made us do this stupid infantilizing Psychoeducation Group before we could start the program and a few of the other patients are just God-awful to be around). And then on Monday I'm back on day shifts and have to see my new T, whom I still don't like, at 9am sharp.

This is all starting to sound angry but really I just feel sad. Like an empty-inside-and-nothing-can-fix-it kind of sad. One of the predominant features of my depression is that I long to feel held and contained.... and this experience has pretty much been the opposite.

Some things just can't be made "okay." Some things just are. During the time I've been in t with T, I lost my parents, and she lost hers (at different times), but I lost one parent before she did. So I was "experienced." And I said to her, "Now, you know." And she just nodded.

Now she has a cancer diagnosis, and she seems pretty positive about her prognosis, while I always have in the back of my mind that something could happen to her at any minute. Of course, anything could happen to any of us at any minute but, due to my abandonment/rejection fears, I don't think or feel that first. I immediately make doomsday projections.

I'm sorry your experience with termination(s) has been so hard for you. Be gentle with yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

[NP_Complete]

I was hoping you could get another therapist assigned other than the guy you didn't like. I'm sorry this process has been so difficult. It sounds god-awful.

[Deejay14]

I know for myself if my p doc and I started termination for a new doc there is nothing he could do or say to make it any easier. No matter what I just don't see that being a good experience for me. I would never feel abandoned, but we have had a long and positive collaboration. He truly understands me. A new doc might over time, but there is not gonna be any whitewashing this transition when it happens.

[CantExplain]

A 14 hour shift is far too long.

[ruh roh]

I'm really sorry. Your mh "treatment" for these past many months has been actively harmful--authoritarian and disempowering. I would attribute a lot of this to the institutional setting. Is there a reason why you can't go outside this system and hire a therapist on your own, with private pay or insurance? Honestly, I have not heard anything of benefit to you in any of your reports. Even though what has happened to your therapist and PDOC has been due to personal crises on their end, their responses have been dehumanizing. And I just don't have anything good to say about the program they steered you into.