[DP_2017]

While I have my own issues with it, it's more manageable for me... this is NOT a question I am asking for myself but rather an online friend who also sees a T and is really struggling

Without too much personal info, this person's T was away for several weeks... and now is going away soon again.... we talked during the first part and I viewed their struggle often and felt sad because I was unsure how to help.

Coping skills only work so much. This person has used a crisis place, and done things with friends and family. Stayed busy with work, nothing helps. In T they still talk about it often and it seems to just go in circles.

I've seen many posters in the year I've been on here, who go from T to T to deal with attachment, that is something this person would never go for and seems to be like it would again just be going in circles. Idk but I feel like I'm out of advice or options. Is it truly always possible to "Work through" this type of stuff? Any advice I can give them?

[winterblues17]

Hi DP,

I'm in a similar situation and it seems so are many other long term clients. My T is also going away soon, and I know I will be ok. She has gone away before a few times/weeks and I've always been ok, but still I'm worried and anxious over it. I think maybe it's the whole anxious attachment set up.

I think the only advice you can give is the usual stay busy, set goals, journal, visit friend etc and just remember that T will come back as they have done on other occassions.

As for conquering attachment issues generally, I'm not sure as I'm still in the middle of this myself but I don't think a new T would be my answer, I'd rather try and work through it with my current T as obviously this seems to be a cycle and people end up transferring from one T to the next bringing with them more anxious attachment issues. It seems to stem somewhere from the past so I'm just trying to figure out the root and work from there with it and with a T who I can trust to be there.

[maybeblue]

It seems to be a pretty common problem. I'm not sure if I have all the answers, but maybe looking at what needs the therapist is fulfilling. I know that for a lot of people a therapist is the only person in their lives that really listens, empathizes, and doesn't judge. And I just don't believe that an hour a week or even a couple hours a week is enough time to be really listened to. And the therapist, who is trained to do just that, is probably better at it than anyone. But it is possible to find that in friends, even online friends, online support groups, etc.

Sometimes I think that the problem is more long term...like never having a great attachment to parents. That lack of good attachment to parents seems to cause all kinds of problems and one of them is that the adult child never really learned that it was safe to attach, because it wasn't. So then whenever she does attach, she is always worried about abandonment and might do things that make her difficult to love...like become overly clingy, or constantly pushing the other person away and then coming back. That might really require a special kind of long term therapist. Someone who can be consistent and caring, but have good safe boundaries.

It's not an easy problem. For me it comes and goes...usually depending on how needy I am at the time. Then I try to spread out my attachment or my need for attention or whatever--usually by finding online friends to chat with or posting here.

[susannahsays]

C's attachment issues improved somewhat with Mushy Gushy, whom she saw for 12 years and stills texts occasionally. I think people would say she is securely attached to Mushy Gushy. However, Mushy Gushy wasn't going out of town for weeks on end. I don't remember her ever going for more than a week. By the time Mushy Gushy got sick for 6 months in their 11th year of working together, C was ok enough to not be deeply distressed (except to worry because she was very sick) by her lengthy sick leave. Of course, this experience hasn't made it any easier for C to form healthy attachments to other people. Well, not much, anyway.

[DP_2017]

Thanks everyone. From the posts here, it sounds like there really isn't much they can do but keep trying coping skills and working on things with their T.

My T recently went on a break and it was tough for me many of those days but I was able to manage for the most part. I'm very good at being able to 'shut down' mentally and emotionally and focus on something else. So that's what I did... but this obviously isn't gonna work for everyone. I will link them to this thread so they can keep reading posts. Sorry I was asked not to use the gender here, hence the "they" usage often

[toomanycats]

I don't think I ever would've gotten better RE: my attachment to S (ex-T).
But, losing S and surviving it has helped me to be less anxious about my attachment to C (Current T).
I suppose I feel like I've survived the worst and, therefore, could survive the second-worst.

[nottrustin]

I was never able to figure it out. However T and I never discussed it. It could be painful at times but T seemed to know when I was in pain and was there. EMDR T said she was not surprised at my level of attachment with T. Without T using attachment therapy I would have never been able to trust her and make progress. Things all have a way of working themselves. Losing T has been the second most painful thing in my life especially since it was so tragic and sudden.

With EMDR I feel myself becoming attached and it scares the heck out of my so I have had a lot of an internal struggle with the push and pull.

[Argonautomobile]

DP, has your friend noticed the desire/ longing to be close to T ebb and flow at all? Get more of less intense on its own? They should pay attention for that if so.

I had this longing very early on in therapy. It was painful and it surprised me. I noticed it was worse when I was worse - when I felt most disconnected from others, depressed, unable to deal with a world that did not always hold me in positive regard; that could not be counted on to listen.

Then I'd have a better day and surprise myself by not thinking about t at all. So the longing wasn't something I had to tackle directly, instead it just sort of faded away as I directly tackled being generally happier in life.

Clearly this isn't everyone's experience, but it might be worth considering. Best of luck to your friend.

[BudFox]

Seems obvious to me... the answer is to break the cycle of dependency by stopping. Not easy of course. Short of that, I found it helpful to recognize the futility and insanity of "attaching" to a stranger I talked to for 50 minutes per week, and who purged me from consciousness as soon as I left. This paved the way for eventual escape.

[MessyD]

From what I have read it’s very common to be attached to a therapist. I also find myself more attached when things don’t go so well in life. When things are ok I don’t think about him so much but when it goes south I can wait to get there as he is my main support. So I think they are doing a good thing by finding more support. Breaks don’t bother me as much because I know he will be there when I come back. So I’m not exactly sure how is it supposed to work it out but I believe it is possible as long as the therapists know what they are doing. If your friend trusts the therapist it’s a good start. T should be supportive but I also believe good and firm boundaries are important so they don’t create more dependency.
It’s an interesting topic, I haven’t dealt with it myself, so probably not much of a help but I hope you keep supporting your friend. I’m sure they will make it through break just like you did.