[SummerTime12]

Does it help you if your T labels the things you’ve gone through? Or do you not want them to use any labels? Or does it not make any difference to you?
When I say labels I mean calling something that happened to you what it is: abuse, r-pe, harassment, etc.
I feel like I need my T to use labels to describe what I’ve gone through in order to feel validated, but I’m not sure why. At the same time I hate it though, and won’t use those words when I’m talking about the things myself. I guess I feel like if he (T) categorizes whatever happened to me as “abuse” or whatever word is fitting, it gives me a right to be upset about it. I always worry that I’m overreacting and what happened wasn’t that bad. I don’t know how to tell this to T though. He’s used labels for pretty much all past situations even though he knows I hate hearing the “r” word, but for this most recent massage situation he hasn’t. Obviously it’s not the “r” word, but I want to know if he thinks of it as sexual harassment, or what he thinks it was, if anything. I wish it didn’t matter to me though.
Thoughts?

[skeksi]

I find it really helpful to have my T identify and describe my experiences, since I also downplay them and use vague language to describe them, which can make them seem less serious. He always checks to see if I think the words are accurate, so I feel I get to decide if they are used.

For what it’s worth, I would describe your massage experience as a sexual assault; it involved unwanted sexual touching.

[stopdog]

No that sort of thing was never useful for me.

Generally, for nonabuse related discussion, I prefer labels because I can process much more information much more quickly to get to the conceptual underpinnings or the take aways that often represent the aha moments.

The R word brings up feelings of shame. It also reminds me that I was a victim, which provokes feelings of helplessness. Saying the name of the person who did it is somehow difficult for me as well. So I suppose it depends on the context.

I don't know exactly why some Ts empasize certain words. This is interesting to me, because I had a T do this very strongly. I wonder if using these words or labels somehow penetrates subtle denial or dissociation where one disconnects the feelings from the narrative of what happened? That might invoke feelings of distress or discomfort. I think in that sense, it does make a difference.

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I find it really helpful to have my T identify and describe my experiences, since I also downplay them and use vague language to describe them, which can make them seem less serious. He always checks to see if I think the words are accurate, so I feel I get to decide if they are used.

For what it’s worth, I would describe your massage experience as a sexual assault; it involved unwanted sexual touching.

That’s pretty much how my T does it with me too!
Thank you for saying that, I keep telling myself to just get over it but can’t seem to.

[InnerPeace111]

No, I do not want my T to label my experiences. It’s not something I find helpful. I prefer to determine what all of my experiences mean to me and then assign my own labels.

I find it helpful. I try to make all my trauma experiences sound not so bad. It is helpful to me when she tells me that those things were horrific abuse, or whatever. I guess it feels good to be taken seriously.

[Amyjay]

I don't like it. I downplay my abuse, deny it avoid it etc and never look at it altogether. My T goes out of her way to tell me, often, the abuse and the circumstances were extreme and I really don't like it. It makes me think she is exaggerating. Or that I am. I am not sure. I tell her to stop but she doesn't.

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Does it help you if your T labels the things you’ve gone through? Or do you not want them to use any labels? Or does it not make any difference to you?
When I say labels I mean calling something that happened to you what it is: abuse, r-pe, harassment, etc.
I feel like I need my T to use labels to describe what I’ve gone through in order to feel validated, but I’m not sure why. At the same time I hate it though, and won’t use those words when I’m talking about the things myself. I guess I feel like if he (T) categorizes whatever happened to me as “abuse” or whatever word is fitting, it gives me a right to be upset about it. I always worry that I’m overreacting and what happened wasn’t that bad. I don’t know how to tell this to T though. He’s used labels for pretty much all past situations even though he knows I hate hearing the “r” word, but for this most recent massage situation he hasn’t. Obviously it’s not the “r” word, but I want to know if he thinks of it as sexual harassment, or what he thinks it was, if anything. I wish it didn’t matter to me though.
Thoughts?

give him this post to read, so he can know how you feel?

[annielovesbacon]

Yes, I like it. I wish she would label my eating problems. I know that, by DSM 5 definition, I have anorexia. But she has never said that or the words "eating disorder" so I'm afraid to say them in front of her in case she thinks I'm being overdramatic or something. I just say "eating problems" and I feel silly.

[peacelizard]

It's definitely helpful. Good-feeling. Don't know if I'd use the word "validating." Also don't go looking for it, you know. If it comes up, it comes up.

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

give him this post to read, so he can know how you feel?

It’s a good idea, but I’d feel weird if he knew I was posting here:/ I don’t want him to think I care that much haha

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Yes, I like it. I wish she would label my eating problems. I know that, by DSM 5 definition, I have anorexia. But she has never said that or the words "eating disorder" so I'm afraid to say them in front of her in case she thinks I'm being overdramatic or something. I just say "eating problems" and I feel silly.

I totally get this and was like this for so long with eating disorder stuff also. I’d always say “eating issues” even though deep down I think I knew it was more. Just in the past few years I’ve been able to say that I have an eating disorder much more easily than before. I guess I’ve just finally come see to see that yep, it has made my life a living hell and f-cked me over so many times, it’s definitely a disorder. I’m sorry your t hasn’t used validating language to describe your eating disorder, that can be especially hurtful with EDs I believe bc we often tell ourselves we’re not sick enough. I assure you your ed is very real though, my guess is maybe your t thinks you haven’t considered it as an ed yourself and she doesn’t want to shock you?

[DP_2017]

Never has.... not sure if it would bother me or not if he did. We are kind of all over the place with things. So it's never the same issue many sessions in a row.... and his memory is terrible anyway so he forgets a huge chunk of things I say anyway.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I totally get this and was like this for so long with eating disorder stuff also. I’d always say “eating issues” even though deep down I think I knew it was more. Just in the past few years I’ve been able to say that I have an eating disorder much more easily than before. I guess I’ve just finally come see to see that yep, it has made my life a living hell and f-cked me over so many times, it’s definitely a disorder. I’m sorry your t hasn’t used validating language to describe your eating disorder, that can be especially hurtful with EDs I believe bc we often tell ourselves we’re not sick enough. I assure you your ed is very real though, my guess is maybe your t thinks you haven’t considered it as an ed yourself and she doesn’t want to shock you?

Yeah I feel like maybe she doesn't want to label it FOR me? But at the same time I don't want to label it myself, I want her to do it? I'm sure she believes me and takes me seriously but just like you said, most of the time I don't believe I'm actually sick and I wish she would call a spade a spade.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

I've kind of been on both sides of that fence with my therapist.

I am grateful that my t looked at me and said, "You know that's abuse, right?" I was so deep in it that I had no clue. I thought it was my fault.

There have been aspects of the abuse that she listened to me wrestle and find my own labels. Again, I am grateful. Had she started throwing out labels too soon, I might have rejected them, and (in retrospect) there was a value for me in that process of coming to my own conclusions.

So it seems like a double-edged sword.

Hugs, Summer. It is perfectly reasonable to talk about the way you're struggling to define your experience and ask for some help with that from your t.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

That’s pretty much how my T does it with me too!
Thank you for saying that, I keep telling myself to just get over it but can’t seem to.

As someone who recently went through a somewhat similar experience (with a doctor), I think it's just going to take as long as it takes to get past it. I don't know if you ever really get "over" it, but it does seem to take up less space in your brain as time goes on.

As far as labels, I think I would prefer that the therapist check out the label with me before using it a lot, but if it's one that I agree with then I think it helps.

My therapist didn't really remember enough of my experiences to label them. And she'd just refer to the "big stuff" as what they were instead of using external labels or names for them.

[susannahsays]

The therapist and I disagreed over her perception of things in my life as abuse again today. I allowed her to look up the definition on her iPad. I shouldn't have done that.

[SlumberKitty]

Yes, my second T did that. She called it abuse and then it helped me know for sure that that is what it was. And she also helped me define dissociation. I didn't know the clinical term for it, I always just described it how I feel "slidey" and it took a while for the two of us to figure out what I was really experiencing was dissociation. So now when I'm talking to these new T's, I can just say dissociation and they know what I'm talking about.

[MessyD]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Does it help you if your T labels the things you’ve gone through? Or do you not want them to use any labels? Or does it not make any difference to you?
When I say labels I mean calling something that happened to you what it is: abuse, r-pe, harassment, etc.
I feel like I need my T to use labels to describe what I’ve gone through in order to feel validated, but I’m not sure why. At the same time I hate it though, and won’t use those words when I’m talking about the things myself. I guess I feel like if he (T) categorizes whatever happened to me as “abuse” or whatever word is fitting, it gives me a right to be upset about it. I always worry that I’m overreacting and what happened wasn’t that bad. I don’t know how to tell this to T though. He’s used labels for pretty much all past situations even though he knows I hate hearing the “r” word, but for this most recent massage situation he hasn’t. Obviously it’s not the “r” word, but I want to know if he thinks of it as sexual harassment, or what he thinks it was, if anything. I wish it didn’t matter to me though.
Thoughts?

I have also never used any labels and I also worry that I’m overreacting and it’s not as bad. And my T never really used terms either. But he tells me that I minimize everything and make everything look unimportant, so recently he actually used term assault and abuse. I think maybe I needed to hear that so I can see it for what it is. It’s scary but at the same time somewhat validating, it’s like it gives me a reason for negative feelings around those events.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Does it help you if your T labels the things you’ve gone through? Or do you not want them to use any labels? Or does it not make any difference to you?

When I say labels I mean calling something that happened to you what it is: abuse, r-pe, harassment, etc.

I feel like I need my T to use labels to describe what I’ve gone through in order to feel validated, but I’m not sure why. At the same time I hate it though, and won’t use those words when I’m talking about the things myself. I guess I feel like if he (T) categorizes whatever happened to me as “abuse” or whatever word is fitting, it gives me a right to be upset about it. I always worry that I’m overreacting and what happened wasn’t that bad. I don’t know how to tell this to T though. He’s used labels for pretty much all past situations even though he knows I hate hearing the “r” word, but for this most recent massage situation he hasn’t. Obviously it’s not the “r” word, but I want to know if he thinks of it as sexual harassment, or what he thinks it was, if anything. I wish it didn’t matter to me though.

Thoughts?

Labeling. I don’t think my counselor has actually labeled something with a word.

He has helped me see and know that something that happened was “wrong”.

I struggle greatly with being able to see and know that something is right or wrong, when it’s is something that has been done to me. We were talking about this topic this week. I believe that it is the result of gaslighting. It twists reality and my perception of what is really real, and what I have been told.

I actually posted about my mom and her gaslighting tactics in the Dissociative forum.

It is a very confusing feeling to bring something to my counselor, as an adult, and ask him, feeling like a child, if it was wrong or bad.

He doesn’t really label it, but he tells me straightforward that it WAS wrong. I guess that clears the confusion in my mind and validates it. In my mind I know that he is right and I also knew that it was wrong to begin with. It’s like I have to hear someone that I trust tell me that it is wrong.

I think from there, I have the mental clarity to label it myself and the confidence to call it what it was/is.