[SummerTime12]

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Up until this week, every time I told my T I would do something, I did it. I had a session today and one earlier in the week. After both sessions, my T asked me to email him once I had taken a specific precaution towards staying safe. I agreed to it. The first time, I did not take the step towards safety, but I still emailed my T to let him know that I didn’t follow through.

Today though, I haven’t even emailed him because I don’t want to send an email that I failed again. I feel really guilty because I am someone who tries to always be truthful, but I’m obviously not doing that here. And he even said today “please email to let me know right after you’ve done it because I don’t want to worry”

So that makes me feel worse. I tried to tell myself it doesn’t matter because he’s just my T, so he probably doesn’t actually care that much, but I know deep down that I’m most likely lying to myself. I just feel like an awful client and hope he doesn’t begin to hate me and never trust me again because of this.

[susannahsays]

I break my agreements with the therapist regularly. She gets me to agree to things somehow, but then when I am by myself, I don't know why I agreed and feel obstinate.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Hugs, Summer.

I am sorry you're struggling right now.

[SummerTime12]

Thank you both for the replies.
Now that I thought about it some more, I wonder if I was testing him to see if he would email/call when he didn’t hear from me, since earlier he said I have 2 options: go to the hospital or tell my husband I’m feeling really s****dal. Since he didn’t reach out again, I guess it makes me feel like he doesn’t care what happens to me. I know that sounds terrible and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this.

[Lemoncake]

You're not a horrible person for thinking the way you do, but Summer you're doing the best that you can at this moment. T's care more than they let on.

[Ssigros]

This is easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up too much. You're going through a lot already. I'm sure your T cares because I doubt he would want you to contact him and let him know whether you were safe or not if he truly did not care. I get testing people in your life though. I do the same. It's okay to open up to T about this too, but it's most important to keep yourself safe right now. You're not a failure. You're scared/nervous of either being seen as a disappointment by those around you and/or having the people around you see you as you see you. You are not a disappointment nor are you a failure. Please get the courage to email your T. Let him know what's going on. You deserve help.