Couch 175: You've Got Mail....

New female T was nice even though I was relatively grumpy.

Words I remember:
-we talked about handbags, and she asked what kind I would be when I said I was done with therapy, and should just go and buy a bag for £1000.
-Window of tolerance. Hyper and hypoarousal.Which made sense.
-she said working through transference. I saw an image of LT's thread
-Stuff about me being wonderful, and practical

Stupid R replied just 30 mins ago saying:

Scarlet, I’m so sorry. I don’t know of any kind of “points” system, but it has now reach a point where it’s time for you to do you. I think it may have reached a point where it’s time to take a break and seriously re-evaluate things. Do you think it’s wise to go through all this to keep trying to bring a baby into the world? What with your mental health, your H’s issues, and the debt that you are in with having to take a loan out on the house. It may be time to seriously re-evaluate. It’s not fair that he won’t go with you. I’m sorry it’s just not fair to keep working towards bringing a baby into the world in that environment until you are more stable, he’s stable and you evaluate weather you even want to be with him. It seems from what you posted here, that you want to be away from him. I would suggest maybe either tell him to leave that you need space or You leave to give yourself some space to sort thru your thoughts.

Scarlet, I think it may be your history that makes you think of a relationship as a point system. I think that’s unproductive BUT I think a relationship is more about mutual exchange. Sometimes one spouse will need more support than the other and vice versa and that’s OK. It should all even out in the end in a good relationship. Kind of like friends who do things a lot together might not keep exact tabs on how much money each owes the other, but one time one person picks up the tab and another time another does and so on. It generally evens out in the end in my experience and if someone feels shorted they speak up or their friends notice on their own.

That sad, he should absolutely be there for your surgery and for the appointments he promised to be at. You’ve been there for him during his medical stuff and now you need his support in turn. One factor in my leaving 2ex was I’d been there for his medical stuff and assumed he would do the same if I were sick, but he didn’t show up or even offer to show up for my surgery—it didn’t even occur to him. And since the ventilator broke during that surgery and things got exciting and I needed him, it was a real wake-up call to me that this was not a mutual relationship.

I’m afraid you may be facing the same realization. It sucks, I’m sorry.

Awww I'm super proud of my little baby growing wings!

I'm not trying for a baby right now. I can't. I have to get rid of my cysts (surgery for the big one and birth control for the little ones). I know I'm not in a good place to have a baby right now. However, I don't need my H to be in a good place. T and I have talked about me raising the child as if I'm a single mom. I mean, whether my H is healthy or not, I'm going to be the primary care giver because of his disabilities.

I have told him to leave me alone. I've locked the bedroom door and blocked his number. He sits at the door talking to me or goes on fb to message/call me. I've asked him to go to his mom's house, but she won't take him in. I can go to my mom's for a little while, but my sister is there snd she's still not talking to me. It would be really uncomfortable. The last option is a hotel. I don't know why but that doesn't feel right.

If I wasn't having surgery this week, I think I'd go back to the hospital. Or maybe a crisis house. Maybe I will after surgery.

My favourite quote from the little prince is " I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words." I have heard of the theory which sees relationships as points, but his behavior here is speaking volumes about him that does raises red flags even for me- it doesn't sound healthy.

Can your father or a friend come to your appointments?

You need space to recover and being in a familiar environment would help you.I would ask him to leave and stay at a hotel instead of you staying at a crisis house.

I don't think relationships are ever even nor are they fair all the time. Both people do what they can when they can with what they have to give. I don't see that trying to punish, keep score, giving the silent treatment, threats, or trying to get even or insist that one's problems are bigger or worse than one's partner's problems is generally a method that works for getting what one wants. When both parties are stressed or are dealing with their own stressors, it can become difficult, but that does not make one party right and one party wrong. I don't think one partner is going to be able to set aside their own troubles all the time just because the other party seems to think it is their turn.

What happens when both partners need a lot of support?

I'm sorry you went through similar. It's not fair.

I do know about taking turns in a relationship like with tabs. When I used to go out to dinner with my mom and stepdad every week, we paid for one week, they paid for the next. When they didn't have a lot of money, we'd pay for dinner and then they would cook us dinner.

In my last friendship, it started out professional. I tutored her, she paid me. But then she started having me over for dinner and spent time with me. I no longer wanted her money. I just wanted her friendship. She either didn't understand or didn't want that, so I ended the relationship. That was 13 years ago...

I'm horrible at relationships. I crave them, but don't know how to navigate them.

Maybe my dad. I only have 1 friend, but I don't want to drag her around to my appointments. Plus she's usually busy.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, I really am. However, I feel like I have to respond to this. You cannot raise a child "as if" you are a single mom when you are not, especially when your husband is acting so dysfunctionally. There are several factors to consider. One is finances. Another is how this will affect the child's emotional development. I mean, if they live with him, have him in their life, they will be affected. Imagine the stress of having a father acting like he is constantly about to die on a young child. As an adult, you realize he isn't at death's door, and it's still making you feel suicidal. The effect it would have on a child who might believe the fuss would be very bad. Then when they finally grow to realize it's all in his head, that would do additional damage.

Why does my American Gothic English lit class have seven films to watch, many of which were not made by Americans or based on books by Americans, and most of which are not set in the US?

I’ve seen some of them like Nosferatu before, and they’re good, but I’d rather read. Like you might expect to do in a lit class.

That's interesting. I've rarely had films to watch in classes, and never in English or Lit classes.

I’m afraid it’s part of the dumbing-down of higher education.

Well, at least I’ll finally see “The Haunting.”

I think I go on Facebook in my sleep. Apparently in the middle of the night-I hit the like button on many posts. (Mind you, I barely go on Facebook during the day)

I hope your dad will go with you- having moral support can make a huge difference.

Oh yum!! This tikka masala I got at Costco is so tasty. Granted I've never had it before so I don't know what it 'should' taste like. But it's really yummy to me!

I feel that way about relationships at times, too, with the whole "points" thing. And I feel my H does at times, too, which isn't so good...

But I feel like no matter what you did or didn't do, he should be there for your surgery. Not that this excuses his behavior at all, but is it possible his health anxiety extends to you? Could he be scared about your surgery? Again, that doesn't make his selfishness OK, just one possible way to explain things. Like maybe it's easier for him to focus on his health than to worry about someone he loves?

Wow! I've never had more than three.

And they left in her "play nice" comment, so they decided it wasn't offensive after all.

How did you make it?

I have two week old peppers and tomatoes in my fridge- what could I do with those? I was supposed to make soup but that didn't happen.

It’s only 6 because I have to wash the bedding today. Normally it would only be 2 or 3 depending on if I wash towels.

I was so open with some stuff about my T today and am sort of freaking out right now, even though he seemed really caring and understanding throughout it, despite the fact that I felt I wasn't making a whole lot of sense. I'm weirdly comforted by his "I'd never take handshakes away from you" comment when I expressed fear of that. It's really more the way in which he said it than what he said. Like I'm not sure how good a job I'll do writing up this session because so much of it was his tone of voice and body language and how he was looking at me.


So glad I'm seeing him twice this week, even though he's away Thurs. and Fri.

'cause it wasn't. I would tell you guys the same thing:

Una stop licking Artie and play nice!!!!! (5)

Yes indeed. But it was lunch time in Britain.