Couch 175: You've Got Mail....

alright now i'm trying not to cry. i feel upset by this and i don't know if it's logical to. i mentioned to h that i wanted to take a bath, but i kinda was nervous about it because the last time i did was the night before I came down with the facial cellulitis that hospitalized me in June and i didn't know if it was bacteria somehow in the bathtub that caused it (even though i've cleaned it more than once of course since then.) well he got ALL bent out of shape and told me my mind is stupid.

i said very calmly to him that calling me stupid doesn't really help.

he said i didn't call you stupid, i called your premise stupid, but maybe you are if you think i did.

wtf?? why am i even trying to have a better relationship with him when he obviously doesn't give a ****? i'm going to bed. night couchies.

I think there is a part of you that wants to be your own self and pushes back against suggestions you feel are wrong. And that was actually a pretty radical suggestion. It would have required you to rethink a lot of your life.

ETA: though I gotta say after just reading your post about your husband I don’t know how you can be attracted to him. Stuff like that really killed my attraction to 2ex eventually.

I don't know, atat. Times like right now I can't figure it out either. I love him, but **** like that chips away at that love constantly. One of these days he's gonna get a big surprise if he keeps chipping away at it because my love for myself will be bigger than what's left of my love for him.

like 30 minutes before that he goes "Do I have any clean underwear? I wore my last pair today you know" (no, i didn't know, it's not my job to count your underwear. not that i said that.) I was in the process of folding that load when he said it and told him so. When will I learn to say "I don't know, did you wash any?!" But what did i say instead? "I've got it right here, no problem."
we had a great weekend, things were seeming to be okay again between us, and now tonight. Meh.

i'm going for a walk.

(((Artie))) you are far kinder than i (i know, not saying much!) Cuz who went to the hosp twice with the same cootie?? I would be worried too that it was some same loofah or soap or corner of the tub!

I feel like he hates me.

Why can he not do his own laundry? You work full-time at work and then again at home cooking and cleaning and laundering.

He hates you for not needing him as much as he needs you. Its mens fate. And their fatal flaw.

Why do I stick around? Misplaced loyalty? Fear of being alone? Because our son still lives here?? Because part of the time we are still happy? Because I grew up in a world where divorce was a shameful thing? Maybe my life does need shaken up. I'm the only one trying here.

T hasn't e-mailed me back and it's been 20hrs. I have to go to bed soon for my surgery. I wish she would just acknowledge me. I'm scared of tomorrow! Surgery is at 7:15am.

Change is scary.

(((Scarlet))) sending good vibes that all goes well tomorrow. Get some rest.

He doesn't even know I think these things because I'm afraid to tell him. Like it would make it all too real.

Would this be a 2nd email? I thought you heard from her very recently.

Good luck tomorrow

I saw her Monday and emailed her Monday night. She usually responds. I'd try and be patient, but I need to sleep soon. I want to email her again, but I also don't want to bother her.

Soon you'll be strong enough to tell him.
And then the ball will be in his court.

(I can't believe there's no tennis smiley.)

I have been averaging about 4hrs of sleep at night most of the summer. It’s starting to take a toll on me. I just want to sleep!

She responded! I can sleep better now knowing she's there.

I'm glad, scarlet.

I had a lovely walk earlier. A gentle breeze was blowing, comforting almost-dark around me, quiet night noises of my neighborhood. When I got back h goes "are you feeling better?" I said I'm ok. And he went back to watching baseball.

I dunno, y'all.

My sleep pattern is stuffed. I turned my light out at midnight, and I have been awake since 5am. Why am I still keyed up, even though I now know it's all going to be OK?

I’m exhausted and wide awake.

Still coming off yesterday’s migraine.
Therapy session today, lots to talk about, even more to think about afterward. When my t said that I am trying not to rock the boat, I teared up because I just got the damn boat to stop sinking.
Long walk and talk with my kids’ dad, a difficult conversation that I am trying to wrap my head around. I always know what to do, and right now I just can’t see to the right choice.

I feel like a wrung-out dishrag.

(((WFS)))

We dishrags should start some kind of club.

It depends on where I am but it's always one more than the other and when it when it dies down the other one pops up to replace it.

I feel ashamed of being jealous of his four year old daughter, of seeing photos of her with him and wishing it was me, of wanting him to read to me,craving hugs and cuddles, of wanting to play monopoly, sitting in his lap with his hand on my back but in all of that I see a child me.

Then with ET- It's about feeling ashamed for having very sexualised thoughts about him and wanting him like that. This one wasn't there at the start but popped up during the first time he went away.

In both though I want to be told so desperately that he loves me and that he cares. But both make me feel so weak in this need for him.

Artie I'm sorry about what happened with H tonight. I would think the same thing with the bath.

Would H consider marriage counselling?