[emeraldheart]

So this is more of a rant than anything about what I find difficult in therapy, but please feel free to comment, share experiences or give feedback.

I don’t really have trouble managing day-to-day. It’s not that I don’t find it difficult, I just somehow found a way to manage doing my daily routine and work. My T always comments on how we never have to spend time on coping skills because I can do that part well on my own.

I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and I experience a lot of panic attacks, anxiety attacks and nightmares, although I’ve learned how to recover from them quickly when they happen

My personal goal in therapy is to prevent these attacks from happening in the first place

I think I cope well because I am able to handle and control my emotions...and that often becomes my problem in session. I try to be vulnerable, talk about trauma and let the emotions out, but I know I need to put them all back in the box anyway after 50 minutes, so sometimes my brain thinks there’s no use in making a mess and unpacking my issues. So therapy is taking a while...

My T is great. We work well together and I trust him. We have a pretty good replationship where I feel we respect each other, but at the same time, we are also friendly. I never feel like he talks down on me. Plus he always checks with me and asks if his statements/analyses about me are accurate. You can see some snippets of our conversations on the In Session thread.

He often tells me that the way to work through this is to let go and let the emotions out. But I feel that once I do, I won’t be that great at managing things day-to-day anymore. It’s such a difficult balance to maintain. It feels like it’s going to be one or the other and that it’s impossible to be both vulnerable in session and at the same time, cope very well in everyday life.

[nottrustin]

Emerald this is the story of my life. The last few years I have been trying to figure out how to express and show emotions. A part of me wants to be able to but then when I let myself I feel like a mess. Then I have to stuff it all back in until the next week. T and I were were trying to find the balance and for me to feel safe enough to let it out.

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by emeraldheart

So this is more of a rant than anything about what I find difficult in therapy, but please feel free to comment, share experiences or give feedback.

I don’t really have trouble managing day-to-day. It’s not that I don’t find it difficult, I just somehow found a way to manage doing my daily routine and work. My T always comments on how we never have to spend time on coping skills because I can do that part well on my own.

I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and I experience a lot of panic attacks, anxiety attacks and nightmares, although I’ve learned how to recover from them quickly when they happen

My personal goal in therapy is to prevent these attacks from happening in the first place

I think I cope well because I am able to handle and control my emotions...and that often becomes my problem in session. I try to be vulnerable, talk about trauma and let the emotions out, but I know I need to put them all back in the box anyway after 50 minutes, so sometimes my brain thinks there’s no use in making a mess and unpacking my issues. So therapy is taking a while...

My T is great. We work well together and I trust him. We have a pretty good replationship where I feel we respect each other, but at the same time, we are also friendly. I never feel like he talks down on me. Plus he always checks with me and asks if his statements/analyses about me are accurate. You can see some snippets of our conversations on the In Session thread.

He often tells me that the way to work through this is to let go and let the emotions out. But I feel that once I do, I won’t be that great at managing things day-to-day anymore. It’s such a difficult balance to maintain. It feels like it’s going to be one or the other and that it’s impossible to be both vulnerable in session and at the same time, cope very well in everyday life.

it is almost impossible for me...cracking myself open in therapy leaves me vulnerable in my everyday life. normal stressors become major stressors. it might be possible to do it, but it will be very tricky. i feel its like tearing yourself down to nothing and rebuilding with only the good parts and leaving the bad/broken parts behind.

[feileacan]

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds that you might be frustrated that the T does not see that your "coping" is not really coping. I suspect that in your daily life you don't cope or manage the feelings but somehow just push them down or cut them off from yourself (use dissociation?).

I'm also not sure if your end goal of getting completely rid of those attacks is realistic. It might happen but it might not. I think a more realistic goal would be to learn to better tolerate the feelings related to the attack and this is very much related to learning to tolerate the feelings stirred up in the session. These are essentially the same processes.

You observe that for the feelings stirred up in session, your current defence mechanisms ("coping") don't work so well. While it is probably very unpleasant, it gives you an important cue about how quickly or slowly you can proceed. Also, this gives you an opportunity to discuss it with your T and show him that you are really not that good in "coping" and so you two can focus more on that in session about how to help you better cope afterwards.

If you learn to tolerate and manage better the feelings stirred up in the session then you are also better managing your attacks and don't have to rely on the existing "coping" ways you use know. That's very simplistic description how therapy might work in your case but it's a process and it takes time.

[here today]

Originally Posted by emeraldheart;6228365. . .

He often tells me that the way to work through this is to let go and let the emotions out. But I feel that once I do, I won’t be that great at managing things day-to-day anymore. It’s such a difficult balance to maintain. It feels like it’s going to be one or the other and that it’s impossible to be both vulnerable in session and at the same time, cope very well in everyday life.

One or the other was what happened in my case. Once I let my emotions "out", even my therapist couldn't tolerate me.

So. . .doesn't happen in every case, may not in yours, especially since you're aware of the danger. But it can and does happen. Discussing more with your T seems like a good idea. And, who knows, may help to prevent it from happening.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Emerald this is the story of my life. The last few years I have been trying to figure out how to express and show emotions. A part of me wants to be able to but then when I let myself I feel like a mess. Then I have to stuff it all back in until the next week. T and I were were trying to find the balance and for me to feel safe enough to let it out.

Me three. This is a huge problem. I want to show and explore feelings with my T, but they are overwhelming and need to be "on" and put together for normal life.

[winterblues17]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Me three. This is a huge problem. I want to show and explore feelings with my T, but they are overwhelming and need to be "on" and put together for normal life.

Suddenly I dont feel alone, I'm also in the same boat

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Me three. This is a huge problem. I want to show and explore feelings with my T, but they are overwhelming and need to be "on" and put together for normal life.

T saw me cry a little a couple if times, she also was there for a couple of anxiety attacks. Since her death I have cried A LOT with EMDR T and psych NP. T frequently told I was sage to cry in front of her and I tried on multiple occasions to allow have a good cry but never could. I guess she finally succeeded in making me really cry

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds that you might be frustrated that the T does not see that your "coping" is not really coping. I suspect that in your daily life you don't cope or manage the feelings but somehow just push them down or cut them off from yourself (use dissociation?).

That is so true for me. My lifelong "coping"-mechanism was trying to cut myself off from all things emotional. Because it was too dangerous when I was younger. Because emotions might have "betrayed" me, might have shown those who were in power how to hurt me even more.

So actually getting in touch with my emotions and my inside felt scary at first. And it felt like taking several steps backwards, into the wrong direction. Since I never learnt to a) recognize my emotions nor b) how to deal with them in a non-destructive way.

So a lot of time in my therapy I spent on kindergarten-stuff (and still am): How do I recognize certain emotions? How do I feel them (in my body)? What can I do about them? It was and still is a slow process. And yes, I know the fear of losing control too well. Which - according to my T - is quite common for folks who are suppressing their emotions. And it is tempting to use this fear as a reason to suppress all things emotional even more...But maybe this fear is outdated by now?
Also: You need to build your emotional 'muscles' by dealing with emotions or learning to deal with them. Just like you need to train your physical muscles in order to gain strength. Without training nothing will ever happen. It feels awkward at first, and dangerous, I know. But without taking those risks nothing will ever change. And it is not a big step, there isn't a bit switch which will turn on your emotions. It is many little baby steps in your everyday life that will bring more emotions in. And through those little steps you will find that you have a certain degree of control as well. It isn't so uncontrollabel as it might feel at first...

And yes, it is a challenge not to push everything down again, out of reach. But to stay in touch. Mindfulness helps. In fact, anything that connects me to my body and gets me "out of my head". Taking conscious breaks from "functioning mode" and asking myself in those moments: How do I feel?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by here today

One or the other was what happened in my case. Once I let my emotions "out", even my therapist couldn't tolerate me.

((Here Today))

[emeraldheart]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Emerald this is the story of my life. The last few years I have been trying to figure out how to express and show emotions. A part of me wants to be able to but then when I let myself I feel like a mess. Then I have to stuff it all back in until the next week. T and I were were trying to find the balance and for me to feel safe enough to let it out.

Have you been able to find the right balance? It’s like trying to figure out the correct combination of ingredients sometimes and making sure things don’t explode! It’s very tricky. Sometimes it feels like you’ve got it right, so you stick with that recipe, but then it doesn’t work the next time so you keep having to change and edit again.

[emeraldheart]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds that you might be frustrated that the T does not see that your "coping" is not really coping. I suspect that in your daily life you don't cope or manage the feelings but somehow just push them down or cut them off from yourself (use dissociation?).

I'm also not sure if your end goal of getting completely rid of those attacks is realistic. It might happen but it might not. I think a more realistic goal would be to learn to better tolerate the feelings related to the attack and this is very much related to learning to tolerate the feelings stirred up in the session. These are essentially the same processes.

You observe that for the feelings stirred up in session, your current defence mechanisms ("coping") don't work so well. While it is probably very unpleasant, it gives you an important cue about how quickly or slowly you can proceed. Also, this gives you an opportunity to discuss it with your T and show him that you are really not that good in "coping" and so you two can focus more on that in session about how to help you better cope afterwards.

If you learn to tolerate and manage better the feelings stirred up in the session then you are also better managing your attacks and don't have to rely on the existing "coping" ways you use know. That's very simplistic description how therapy might work in your case but it's a process and it takes time.

Thanks so much for this. I didn’t really think of it that way. I just always thought that since my “coping skills” were not exactly considered destructive, that they were not harmful. And avoidance is still avoidance even when it’s wrapped up in a pretty box and a bow.

I suppose I should bring this up next time. Thanks again!

[emeraldheart]

Originally Posted by here today

One or the other was what happened in my case. Once I let my emotions "out", even my therapist couldn't tolerate me.

So. . .doesn't happen in every case, may not in yours, especially since you're aware of the danger. But it can and does happen. Discussing more with your T seems like a good idea. And, who knows, may help to prevent it from happening.

I’m so sorry that happened to you, and yes, I am very aware that this can totally happen to me. Even if things are good right now, I know that things can always change. Right now I feel like I can cope with this. That I can figure alternatives if my T acts differently towards me after I let everything out...but one can never know unless they are in that situation.

Hope you’re doing ok