In Session Today: Part V

I did end up exchanging some emails with my T regarding the not thinking about me after session ended. His explanation really helped. Here’s his response (I did get charged for 15 minutes of time for this one, but I’d preapproved it).

“I had a feeling after I said that, that it would cause you some angst and I'm sorry forthat. The point I was trying to make at the time wasn't related to the concerns that you're expressing, although I will address them in a moment. I was trying to convey how, in general, people's negative behavior isn't personal or even malicious in nature. It has a lot more to do with thoughtlessness and/or being wrapped in their own universe and not even thinking about the fact that other people exist. Much of the time people (me included) are on auto-pilot, not devoting much mental energy at all to the decisions that they're making - or to the people around them.

In terms of what I said, I remember saying "I'm not likely to think about you again for the rest of the day." You'll notice in the email you wrote to me that you're extrapolating from that comment that 1) that means I don't care; and 2) that means I never think about my clients - or you - at all. Neither of those things are true, and I didn't say either of those things. Everyone that I work with is important and deserves careful consideration and thought in terms of what is best-practice for helping them. You likely remember that I took the time of several of my colleagues to take your concerns about the stone seriously, by talking to them about your feelings and how I was handling the situation. Of course, some clients need more thought than others depending on what's going on. I'm likely to wonder how you will respond to this email after I send it, for example.

I realize that my comment felt like an abandonment - and I can see how it could feel that way. The context of when it was said, and the point I was trying to illustrate, is important to the point I was trying to make. I'll make an effort to be more careful in the future, although after working with me for over a year I think it's pretty obvious that my therapeutic style tends to be more direct. Sometimes that results in pushing too hard in a place that's too sensitive for that pressure, and I'm glad you were able to talk/email about it.

I think it's very important to consider the full body of evidence when you're wrestling with fears about whether or not I care. For example, here I am taking time to consider your feelings, and write back to you with the hope and intention of allaying your fears. This isn't the first time I've done this, and you'd also hopefully remember that there is a reason you have felt trust in our work up to now - we have worked to build that up. We have come through quite a few tough situations, and as I result our working relationship has been - in my opinion - quite good.

I look forward to seeing you soon to talk about this further, and if you'd like, feel welcome to let me know if there is more you need in the interim.
“

That was super nice of him (even if it is charged)
I'd say especially after this, REALLY try in the future, to trust him and in your relationship. I get that anxiety makes you question it, but it would be such growth for you to just allow things to be and see what happens.

I was actually gonna use the example of the stone but I didn't wanna bring that topic up again, but yes, he did take a lot of time out for that issue with you, and while he charged you, he CALLED you on a trip, and he replies to all your messages.... even if briefly,.... Why is it so important for him to think of you so often? I get wanting to be cared about.... but I guess for me, I really don't care if my T thinks of me 1x a week or 80. It wouldn't change anything in the relationship.

Try to go the rest of the weekend without email. Just take this as he cares, and all is well and try to enjoy your weekend. It's hard with anxiety but try to focus more on the GOOD things than the small little negative things...they usually are never as bad as our mind makes us think they are. Anxiety is evil

Hope this email can help you, keep this and READ it over if you feel unsure again in the future....

Today, I was sleepy. T was sleepy too, I think, and he felt far away—mostly sitting in silence and listening, but I think he regards that as giving me space too formulate my thoughts. I will address it next session but I am trying not to take it personally. He can’t be the A+ therapist every session.

Agreed...he honestly does care, and what he said about how you extrapolated evidence that he doesn't care from that sentence is what struck me about your response as well.

I don't think whether or not he cares is the issue. He has repeatedly said things that have left LT feeling unsafe. That's not cool. He even continues to say things caveated with "You might not respond well to this" so he knows he's doing it yet persists. I don't find that to be responsible practice.

I view it slightly differently. Like how many times has he said things that 'may' trigger LT but that don't? He may be trying to gently get her out of her comfort zone, from the context of a strong caring relationship, and most times it works - we don't know.

But it seems he's only triggered her 2/3 times (that LT recorded here) and they were, in my view, gently meant as LT has reported them, and they were heard or felt different by her. I see it as giving LT an opportunity to re jig her neurons in the safest of environments.

Agree too. This sounds like a very good T to take the leap of faith/trust/belief with. It's hard though. I'm there now either trying to leap or not scamble back up the cliff!

Gonna resurrect this thread to avoid taking over In Session Today and reply to some people there:
LT's Dr. T Thread

Psychotherapist Diana Fosha PH'D talks about how patients/clients mainly need to know they are being kept in mind. " The Felt Sense of Existing in the Heart and Mind of the Other" . It is about object constancy. I am a big fan of LT's T , but in this case, I don't think she read negatively into that statement bc of anxiety; I think he went way too far to make his point and broke the rapport in a way that wasn't in her best interests. I do think he realized this, and was forthcoming about pushing too hard on a sensitive place. IMO he realized LT had a good point, and was responsive to that. His point that people are often thoughtless and he is too and not to take it personally that he won't likely think of her again that day? Misfire imo. Rupture and repair has its own beauty though.

Repair:

Responded on your thread

Had a Halloween session, brought my dog in costume. (Buzz lightyear) T loved it and took a picture of him.

Had a nice session. Was able to talk about the big issue I was having around halloween. Took a short break from phobia work but discussed the crappy session we had off site the week before. I'm glad next week to be back on my regular day again, October was so confusing

My transference with T is gone for the most part.

He changed his approach which was working as a transference relationship only to working with me as a therapist. He was practicing psychoanalytically, which i knew really intensifies transference. He still uses that approach, but he's not doing that blank slate thing.

It's really interesting and also surprising how much that changes things. It seems i am still talking about the same things with the exception of transference feelings-they just are not there anymore other than subtle more fleeting feelings.

Had my second (third?) session with my new T (M) on Wednesday.

I started out talking about how I'd seen a video of a sea creature called a 'feather star', the day before. I told him how it hovers along peacefully above the sea bed, feeding on plankton and things. How little creatures - shrimp and fish - have developed perfectly matching camouflage and hide safely and securely in their fronds. At one point I stopped and said I regretted talking about it already, and I was worried he'd find it stupid and weird. He said he wasn't finding it stupid and weird and I said "I haven't finished yet!"

Anyway, when I started to talk about the shrimp I started to cry. I said that it had just struck me, watching the video, that I wished I was a shrimp instead of myself. Safely camouflaged in a feather star.

I tried to explain that recently I've been having these occasional attacks of existential crisis, where I feel overwhelmed by all the other people and creatures and things in the world, and often there's a feeling of jealousy... of wanting to be something or someone else. As well as just feeling kind of baffled and/or amazed by it all.

I can't remember what his response to all this was... I think he asked some questions, to try to understand. He didn't appear to think that I am crazy, so that was nice.

I said that shrimp don't have to have heart surgery. I kept crying. I explained that a few years ago I had been diagnosed with 'health anxiety' and sent for CBT... because I was so afraid that there was something wrong with my heart. But it had spread out to many aspects of my life - I couldn't eat most things, because I was afraid they'd kill me, I couldn't take medication and I was terrified of any kind of medical procedure (something I've since had to endure a ton of). I've also always been terribly afraid of needles and/or having anything put in my veins (like cannulas).

(Trigger for medical stuff.)



He said that sounded horrible and terrifying. But he sounded... I don't know... kind of self-conscious? Not quite genuine? I'm thinking now that it's interesting that I felt absolutely nothing typing that out, and I probably didn't feel that much about it whilst relating it to him either. I'm too disconnected from it, it's too unimaginable. Maybe it was unimaginable to him too.

Maybe it was that feeling of a lack of connection from him and between us that made me talk about missing R (my previous therapist). He asked me to tell him more about it and I basically started to list everything I loved about R - his use of interesting long words, his sense of humour, how kind and gentle he always was with me. I also talked more generally about how we'd spent a year building a relationship, and it had finally got to a point where I was really comfortable with him and we really were working well together, and it just bloody sucks to have to start all over again.

I said (hesitantly, feeling pretty bad about sharing this) that I was aware that a part of me hated him for not being R. That I knew it wasn't fair, that he is actually doing me a favour by even seeing me at all and he doesn't deserve to be hated.

He said he was glad that I'd named that, because he'd been having this feeling like everything he said was wrong somehow. And weirdly, or perhaps not weirdly at all, now that we'd both got that out in the open it seemed to dissolve a bit.

I think I talked a bit more about my experiences with C (my first T) and R, the bad and the good. I said how I'd sort of had to 'teach' R how to work with me.

He said something about feeling like he had to earn a relationship with me, and wondered if that might apply to other people in my life too. I said I could definitely understand him feeling that way, and that yes, I suppose I did expect him to earn a relationship with me. But that I didn't think it was that way with other people in my life - just therapists. He asked why and I said something about different parts of me being much more present in therapy and having different needs. Sometimes conflicting needs. He seemed to understand that.

I talked about a 'disagreement' I'd had with a friend who had stopped talking to me because of it. I said I'd been a d**k to her (and that more generally I keep being a d**k to people). As I described what had happened, getting kind of annoyed I guess, he said that it sounded more like I felt that she'd been a d**k to me. I said no, and started crying again. I said that I felt like she had good reasons for the way she felt and I should have just left it the f**k alone. He said it was like I'd been angry and righteous at first, and then it had quickly dissolved into hating myself instead. I thought that was very astute of him (though I suppose it was quite a straightforward observation), and said yes - that's how it always is. That's very familiar to me.

I feel like I must have missed something out, because that doesn't seem like enough content from a fifty minute session... but I think that's pretty much it. There were fairly long periods of silence/quiet sobbing on my part.

He gave me a five-minute warning, which I find quite annoying, remind me to tell him to stop doing that. Because I'm always keeping an eye on the time. I knew there were five minutes left.

Talking quite fast and animatedly, I squeezed in a description of a dream I'd had recently (it suddenly felt very relevant, I can't remember why). I'd been on the waltzer on the pier, with my mum and my partner, but it started malfunctioning. They stopped it and said they were going to fix it and start again but I was too afraid, sure that something terrible was going to happen, and got off. My mum and partner rolled their eyes and me and scoffed at how stupid and anxious I was being, and stayed on. I couldn't watch, so I walked around the corner, but then I heard a crashing and banging and I knew immediately that something had happened to my mum. She had been thrown off the ride and hit her head and was really confused and distressed.

I told M that when I'd woken from the dream my immediate interpretation of it had been that it was clearly about my mum, and how fragile but confident she is - how I'm afraid she'll hurt herself by being that way. Then I'd spoken to a friend about it which had uncovered more layers. It's about my heart - how I always knew that something was wrong, even though I was treated so dismissively. And when I was younger I used to go on the waltzer all the time - I smiled telling M how (I am from this city and he is not) you could buy a wristband that would let you go on unlimited rides and me and my friends used to challenge ourselves to see how many times in a row we could go on it. But now I wouldn't go on it. Or anything like that. Because I'm too afraid for my heart. I don't do anything fun anymore.

Then, in a lecture that Monday, my tutor - who is very interested in Jung and archetypes and the collective unconscious and symbols - had been talking about dream symbols and had said that a cycle, like the wheels on a bicycle perhaps, might represent life - the life cycle. And I very suddenly started to cry, and said that the waltzer is like that, a circle, a cycle, but it was too fast and too scary and too broken and I needed to get off. So it was like 'stop the world, I want to get off'.

All I remember in terms of his response as I related all that to him is that he'd been sort of smiling through most of it, but his expression changed as suddenly as mine when I started crying again. I think I took everyone by surprise.

When we both stood up at the end of the session, there was this moment where I was suddenly struck by how extremely attractive he is. I mean, I was aware of it already, but I hadn't been looking at him much, and somehow it was just... agh. He's just really lovely. I'm a bit worried about that.

Email exchange between me and T:

I told my t about my obsession with him. of course he knew way before I finally verbalized it. t says he it makes sense I experience this given what I've been thru and that he understands it's intense at times. he's said before that he understands where my need for his attention come from and he wishes he could give it to me

you've been pretty open with your t before about scary feeling things. do you think you could ever vaguely say how often you think of him?

maybe I'm a few days behind tho. I haven't been reading much here. apologies if I'm talking abt things that aren't relevant anymore..

Session yesterday. I talked about grandpa's passing and how that affected me. We talked about death in different cultures and how different people deal with it based on their culture. I'm not sure that was entirely helpful as I was talking about me and how I was dealing with it, but okay, whatever, points to ponder.


We briefly talked about work. This was the first time she didn't tell me to get a new job. That's good. I like my job, I'm not challenged though and I don't make enough money, but I don't have the fight in me right now to go looking for a new job.


We talked about hallucinations and self harm. She wasn't particularly helpful with either. She tends to just ask me what I do to make me happy, what do I do to feel peaceful? Is there music I can listen to that helps? Is there a movie I watch that makes me feel happy? I could get that kind of response from a friend. I'm looking for something more concrete. Like what do I do with this stuff! I was kind of annoyed because she really wasn't giving me good responses. It just felt like "pat on the head" stuff. I talked to her about having SI around the time of grandpa's passing. She skipped right over that.


I think she's nice. I think she doesn't know how to help me though. I think she's just sort of floundering, like pulling out the same questions each time. I'm wondering if it's helping me.


She asked me trigger for SH I don't know. It's just one of those sticky thoughts that won't go away. She didn't have any answer as to helping the thoughts get unstuck. Its like they are velcoed to my brain.


She ended the session by asking me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her but didn't. Nope. I thought that was a weird question as she had said our time was up. Why would I bring up something else if our time was up?


Argh. I miss my former T so much. It's like any progress I was making has come to a complete halt. I think PC is doing me more good than therapy really. Just having people that go through the same stuff. Anyway I see T again in one month. I think she has too many clients. She doesn't seem to remember things from previous sessions. Kit.

First session of the week today.

T asked how I was doing. I said it's going okay. On the weekend I felt really empty. Now I'm doing better.

I mentioned how I feel less scared than usual. There's things that'd usually trigger me and now they don't. T said it might be due to medication, but it's sometimes hard to tell, we'd have to give it some time. I said there's still things i worry about, like things connected to me moving in with my partner and having to deal with changing adresses. That worries me because of health insurance. The way it works for me, I have to be referred to my T once a year. And since I'm moving, I'll have to see a new doctor who might not do that. T said how he thinks that won't happen and how it probably even be harmful if that happened currently. It also led to a discussion of our health care system, which was funny because T knew about as much about it as everyone else, meaning he's not quite sure how anything works and sounds like 'my wife usually deals with this'.

Then I mentioned feeling a bit sad. T asked me whether I knew what mindfulness is, which I do. We discussed it a bit. After he asked me what I'd like to focus on? Something about my body (meaning breathing or how something feels), a certain topic, something else? I said I'd like to talk. But I wasn't sure whether it could only be about things that are currently happening since he talked about how mindfulness had to do with staying in the moment. He said no, we can still discuss other things.

I told him I'm thinking about getting my parents a book for Christmas about BPD. They know I'm in therapy but don't know my diagnosis. T asked why I wanted to tell them, which I wasn't sure why, I just feel like it. He wondered about what they might think why I'm seeing him. He said they probably noticed something when I was in high school. I didn't really agree, I lied to them all the time about how I as doing. T said how the teachers probably said something to them during those teacher parent discussions they have once a semester here. I disagreed. I started talking more about that time. First, I felt the need to set the scene again so I mentioned again how I wasn't allowed to talk to one of the girls after I told her I had a crush on her. Thankfully, T remembered. After about half a year, I had a meeting with one of my teachers and her. Because my behavior was causing problems. T asked what that meant. I was aggressive, for example when we did those fetch games for physical ed, I'd only chase her. I think she was scared of me. One time for our drawing class we were allowed to draw whatever we wanted to. So I drew skeletons in a graveyard, wearing clothing associated with Punk (they music genre). Because at home I played a video game that contained skeletons and I liked that kind of music, and skeletons live on graveyards. A couple days later my French teacher called me outside to discuss the drawing. I explained what it was, but she said she didn't believe me and said I wasn't allowed to draw such things anymore. So I think there was some kind of fear of me attacking her going around. Although I never did anything.
I got back to that meeting. I said how my teacher told my parents about it, saying I had cried. T asked whether I remembered why I cried. I said it was because I was never allowed to talk to that girl after saying I liked her. She was allowed to set rules like 'don't talk to me', but then I was not allowed to set any rules for myself. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted but I had to respect what she said. She had her parents telling everyone everything, how to act and what to do. And since I didn't want to tell my parents I liked girls, I didn't have anyone. T said how that undermined my autonomity. We talked about this some more. Including the fact that at some points I wanted her to suffer just like I did because she hurt me. T said that's normal.

Then we discussed how I might want to make my parents suffer to. I disagreed again. T said it seems I hate my mom. My dad is usually fine in stories it seems, but I'm always annoyed or mad at my mom. I answered that I think it's normal to be annoyed with your parents sometimes. But I don't hate them. That's also why I'm not sure about giving them a book, since it might seem like I am blaming them. Which I am not. I don't want them to feel bad, I just want them to understand. T mentioned how it might be good to just talk to them for five minutes at some point instead of having them read about it by themselves, but that's kind of hard when your family never discusses emotions.

After some more talking, we had to say good bye. T confirmed our time for Friday and I left.

I ended up with a bonus T session yesterday, but first a post giving an explanation of how that came about. At the end of Monday's session (which I never got around to writing up), I'd said to T how he will say things like "I care about your success" or "I care about your well-being" rather than "I care about you," and it feels like there's a difference to me. I think I expected him to just say something like, "Of course I care about you." Instead, he said he didn't want to respond to my comment right then because it was the end of session. T: "I don't want to give you a half-baked answer. You don't want to eat raw cookie dough." Me: "Yeah, I don't want to get therapy salmonella." T said he liked that one.

So I thought I was OK waiting to hear his explanation. But then I thought about it more and more. I had been out running errands and on my way home, I got really emotional. I actually pulled off into a parking lot and left him a rambling, weepy voicemail about how I want him to say "I care about you." He emailed a reply a couple hours later and also texted to let me know he'd sent the email and that if I wanted a time slot the next day, to text him (since he wouldn't check email till the next morning).

Here's what he said in the email:
"Hi LT,

I'm so sorry to hear how deeply you've been affected by my unwillingness to specifically state "I care about you." I certainly don't want you to feel such distress! I decided to email you a reply, and if you want to discuss this further in-person I could schedule an appointment tomorrow but that's up to you.

I'm not sure why my caring about your well-being and commitment to your success and growth seems to lack sufficient weight, or why it is so important that you hear me specifically say that I care about YOU (emphasis was what I heard in your message). There is an important distinction there, and I am trying to figure that out. This has the feel of a boundary issue and rather than being impulsive I want to think about the significance so that I can talk about it in a way that is best for both of us. I want to respect your needs, but more important than that I want to support your mental health and emotional growth. I also want to respect what I am comfortable with saying, and understand the implications of what I say before I say it around such a sensitive topic. Your reaction to this makes it clear to me that there is a great deal of emotional weight around this issue. That only makes me more certain that this is very important and needs to be taken seriously. I realize that I am not answering your question and that's because I have no answer - I have not been able to give it the attention it deserves.

Let me know if you'd like to talk tomorrow, or just wait until Thursday. I'd be able to see you at 2:30pm Tuesday. You asked about a phone call - and my policy is to not take phone calls for clinical issues unless they are scheduled in advance during regular hours. I charge my normal rate for that time. I do take emergency phone calls, although these are brief evaluations to see if someone needs to consider hospitalization or other emergency service. For non-emergencies I schedule the client ASAP, and for crisis requiring intervention I recommend either a crisis hotline or the ER. I sincerely hope that you're not in need of such an intervention, but if so I would try to help that process."

I texted to say I did want the slot the next day, but would that give him enough time to think about it? He said he thought he'd be OK to talk about it. He closed that exchange with "I hope you can rest well tonight," which I appreciated. OK, actual session in separate post.

Crosspost from other thread:
Bonus T session yesterday. Went back and sat down. T (in jeans and a striped dress shirt): "I have my coffee and you have your Perrier, so we're all set." Me: "Yes." T: "I think this is going to be a very important conversation." Me: "What we're talking about today, from the voicemail?" T: "Yes." I started talking and he was like, "You have a piece of glitter on your cheek." I frantically brushed at my cheek. Me: "I think it's from my D's Halloween costume, we have glitter everywhere. Is it gone?" T: "Yes, I think so. It was just very incongruent with what you were talking about."

I grabbed the box of tissues and sat it next to me on the couch. I then did something I don't normally do in there. I reached over on his couch and grabbed a throw pillow that had a bunch of fringe on the edges. I sat with it in my lap most of the session, stroking the fringe to kind of soothe myself. I think it also felt like a protective barrier.

I said I'd contemplated coming in and just terminating, that if he didn't care about me as a person, then what was the point? What was I doing there? But I figured I should come in and talk in out instead of just ending it. That I didn't know if it was just me running away from something difficult or if it was a case where he isn't the right T for me. And I didn't know why I was so upset about the caring stuff, but it's clearly really triggering me.

He asked about why it felt so different for him to say "I care about your success" or "well-being" vs. "I care about you." Me: "I think...'I care about you' suggests that you care about me as a human being. And I spend 2 hours a week in here with you, sharing intense things, so I'd like to think you care on that level." T: "OK. I'll explain my thoughts in a minute. What I was thinking of saying at the end of yesterday's session but decided not to was 'I care about you as a client.' But I don't think you would have liked that." Me: "No, that would have bothered me. Because it would have felt like, as long as I'm paying you, then you care. That it's based on the money, not me." T: "But I don't feel that way. I know you as a client, so that's how I care about you."

Me: "I guess I just think of something ex-MC said that stuck with me. Where I said I was basically paying him to care. And he said, 'You can pay me to do my job, but you can't pay me to care.' As in, he was choosing to care. And that felt good." I forget what T said to that.

T: "So for me, the difference in saying 'I care about you' is that it seems to push things beyond the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. Like more in the sense of a friendship or romantic relationship." Me: "Really? Because I feel like I care about a lot of people as people, including, say, my neighbors who I barely know. But maybe that's just me?"

T: "You've talked about how things ended up going badly with ex-MC. And at times with ex-T. So I'm trying to avoid things going in that direction. I'm trying to look out for your well-being. And not saying 'I care about you' is one way I'm doing that." Me: "Oh... So I wasn't sure if at the end of last session, you needed time to think about whether you do in fact care about me or if you needed time to decide what to tell me. So, I'm guessing it's the second one?" T: "Yes, I was trying to figure out the best way to handle it to serve your well-being." Me: "Oh...OK. I think I was afraid you had to think about whether you cared or not." T: "No." T elaborated more on how I'd said that both with ex-MC and ex-T, things had crossed over a line at times (like ex-T admitting she'd gotten too close to me), which affected the therapy. And he's trying very hard not to do that here, that he's trying to be very careful in how he's handling things with me so that it doesn't go down the same path. I didn't say this at the time, but after the session, I thought how in a way, he's not saying he cares about me not because he doesn't care but because he *does* care about me...

He asked if I wanted to think I was special, different from his other clients, and that's what part of the caring thing was about. Me: "No, I want you to care about all your clients as people, not just clients. I don't expect you to care about me any more than them."

Somewhere in there we talked about therapy being one-directional in terms of caring. Me: "I know this sort of got me in trouble with ex-MC, but I also cared about him. And I care about you." T: "How can you care about me? You don't even know me!" Me: "But I spend 2 hours a week with you. I can still care about you without knowing all about you." T: "I mean, I understand you don't want me to get hit by a bus, but I don't think you can really care about me." Me: "But I do. Maybe I'm just weird like that...I care about a lot of people."

At one point, we were talking about some of the harsher truths he's said and how that can be difficult for me. T: "Do you think that therapists shouldn't tell their clients things like that? The more negative things that could hurt them, even if they're the truth?" Me: "I mean, I guess it wouldn't be helpful, but..." T: "Really think about it. I'm curious about your answer." Me: "Maybe part of me wants that, but I feel in the long run I need to hear some of these harsh things. Like if I really do think differently from most people, then I guess I need to know that." T: "I would agree." Me: "I figured."

Talking more about the "I care about you" and why it was important to me. I said something like, "You've known me over a year and spend 2 hours a week with me. I've confided many things in you. I'd certainly like to think you care about me as a human, not just as your client. Like if I left, would it just be like, 'well guess I have two other slots to fill now?'" T: "If, say, you were to die tomorrow, I'd be very affected. I wouldn't just think 'Now I have to fill some time slots.'" Me: "OK, thank you, that's good to hear."

We ended up going over by a few minutes, but he didn't seem to be looking at the clock at all. He seemed very engaged and thoughtful the whole session, doing things like closing his eyes while he thought about something and at one point covering his face with his hands. It seemed like he was really trying to understand me and also say what he felt was the right thing for me. I was crying quite a bit throughout and sometimes hiding my face, but still making a fair amount of eye contact.

As I was going over to pay, he said, "I am going to have to charge you for the email." Me: "You mean the one from the voicemail?" T: "Yes, it did take a bit of time." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "But if you can't pay it all right now, like that and the extra session, I can bill you for it later." Me: "No, it's fine." I guess I wish he'd told me before that there was a charge for that voicemail/email (even though I'd suspected), since it felt a bit like a slap in the face at the end of the session. He said I could let him know if I wanted to cancel Thursday, just give him 24 hours, preferably sooner. I said I would. Shook hands as he said "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too."