In Session Today: Part V

Hah! I had R pretty well trained after a year but of course now I'm going to have to go through the process all over again with M. He does say some astoundingly obvious things sometimes. I'm glad your super-shrink is making some progress... and I hope he's read that paper, it sounds fascinating!

Met with my T yesterday.
We mainly covered lighter topics. I will be starting my first job in the beginning of next year, so we discussed that. He mentioned that we wouldn't see each other twice a week anymore, which made me a bit sad. But he said we'd continue the way we've always been working together and that made me feel a bit better.
We talked about the book on mindfulness I've been reading, discussed some parts of it. We also talked about my medication and how I have been feeling on it so far. I also told him I'd be visiting a friend on the weekend to bake cookies. T asked whether she has a boyfriend, which I found kind of funny, like he's trying to set me up or something.
We didn't talk about more emotional topics really. It was a nice change from our usual sessions filled with crying and feelings. Especially since I didn't beat myself up after for not talking about more important stuff, though I plan on doing that again next week.

I see my Pdoc on Monday and my therapist on Thursday. Things seem to be working fine with the meds. But lately any sort of stress causes me to get sick. I’ve had 2 colds, and one bout of stomach bug in 3 weeks. I just googled it and stress and anxiety can definitely cause your immune system to become compromised and you can get legit physically sick from it. I don’t want my meds switched or anything. I’m just not sure what to tell them. I don’t know what they can do about it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach them about this? I’m not like calling into work sick or anything like that. So it’s not really affecting me at my job.

I've been thinking a lot about my most recent session since yesterday morning, so I decided to experiment with writing about it in detail:

I come into the office, and as I sit down and settle in, my therapist and I smile at one another and say hello. And then I immediately curl slightly inward and start staring at my knees, wringing my hands, and sitting silently. I'm twisting my wedding ring, and I notice in my peripheral vision that my therapist is too, and for the umpteenth time I wonder if it’s a nervous habit he has all the time or if he’s weirdly mirroring my fidgeting somehow. After a few minutes I feel like I can sense him contemplating whether to interrupt the silence with a question or let it roll, and silence wins out.

I debate whether to try to pick up where we left off last session, or comment on how difficult it is to talk, or mention that I felt especially ambivalent about coming to therapy today. Finally:

“I feel like anything I say is just going to be wrong somehow.”
He nods. “Mmm. What would it mean if it were wrong?”
I shrug. He tries again. “It looks like you're thinking right now. Those thoughts, could we still talk about them even if they're wrong?”

I shrug again, give a reflexive “I don’t know,” but then I start talking about the way I feel today, the weird mixture of fear and self-judgment that often makes it feel impossible to say anything when I first come into the room.

My therapist: “That's interesting. I think it's a good thing that those feelings are coming up in here, since I suspect they come up unconsciously elsewhere, and in here we can look at them. And perhaps it's a sign of your comfort with me, that you allow yourself to feel that way, and even talk about it.”

I can agree with that, though I also say my experience of those feelings elsewhere is much more conscious than he seems to be imagining. Although elsewhere I don't find myself tongue-tied like this. I swear I go through all the other parts of my life as an articulate, normal seeming adult. It's only here in therapy that in spite of being a grown man, I give in to the impulse to fidget and stare at the bookshelf instead of talking.

Therapist: “Those painful judgmental feelings sound particularly powerful today. It's a contrast with last week, when I recall you talking about feeling hopeful in here.”
I think I must have looked visibly skeptical or perplexed in some way, because he quickly says “Hopeful is my word, not yours. But two or three sessions ago you described an element of positive feeling, that seemed to me to be hopeful.”

We start making connections. Talking about other times I remember feeling similarly, things this reminds me of, playing around with different metaphors and ways of describing these feelings, trying on different ways of looking at them. He says it sounds exhausting, the level of self-judgment and doubt I'm describing. I say yes, it can be, but I'm used to it. And as I say that, I realize that the fear component is much stronger and more prominent in therapy than it is the other times and places I experience this set of feelings. I look him in the eye for the first time since I started talking today, as I try to explore that fear more. I look away and he leans over to his desk to grab his notepad, and starts writing intensely.

The writing slows, then pauses. He looks up at me, and refers back to a long ago experience I'd been telling him about at the end of the last session, asks a question about it. I start to answer, but then find myself stopping to ask why he brought that up now.
I'm a little surprised when he answers readily, and says “I'm wondering if there could be a connection between your intense fear and the history you were talking about on Tuesday. I'm just guessing at this point, but this sounds like a very important part of your life and it's interesting you've never mentioned it before. I think it could be useful to explore further.”

So we do. I get to the end of the story, a moment of stark homophobic rejection I thought I'd finished mourning over a decade ago, but of course it's much more painful than expected. I feel like I want to disappear, and I think about curling up on the analytic couch next to me, but don't.

I can hear the sadness and warmth in my therapist's voice as he says how sorry he is that I went through that. I tell him I’m fine; his empathy makes me all at once want to reassure him, to run away, to collapse into messy emotion.

He checks the time on his phone. “We have to stop soon.” I sink into the chair a little further. “We should look at this more next time. I’m noticing that the way you reacted to what happened back then with this rejection, this significant loss, reminds me of some of the patterns of yours that we’ve been looking at. I’m not saying it’s the only cause, of course, but I think it’s meaningful.” He points out a distinctive phrase I used in describing this old experience that I’ve used many times in describing an ongoing difficulty I’ve been trying to work on in therapy.

I nod, and start shaking off the sadness and grief that I’ve allowed to surround me. I think that all I’m going to say is “thanks, see you Tuesday,” and leave, but instead I turn as far away as I can and start rapidly describing a parallel experience I’ve suddenly been reminded of, one where my reaction was starkly opposite to the one I had in the story we’ve been focusing on today. I start comparing them, talking about how sometimes I feel trapped between these opposites, how the tension is exhausting. I realize I sound a little frantic, and stop myself. “Nevermind, I’m not sure why I said that. I’m fine.” I look at him again.

I can’t read the therapist’s facial expression right now, so I’m relieved when he starts speaking. “That contrast and tension seems important. I can see how difficult it is for you. But we’re working on it in here. I think over time the two of us can start looking at it differently, start introducing some new ways of relating to these issues, that haven’t been possible for you when you’ve tried to figure it out by yourself.”
Me: “I hope that’s true.”
Therapist: “I think it is. We have to stop for today, but we’ll talk about this more.”

I say goodbye, pick my briefcase up off the couch, and leave. One of the other therapists in an adjacent office is in the tiny waiting room sorting mail, and he looks at me, so I collect myself rapidly as I stand next to him and put on my coat. I check the time on my phone; the session ran 15 minutes over. I hurry outside, torn between wanting to keep thinking about all of this and wanting to shake it off and lock it away as quickly as possible.

That sounds like a really good session, starfishing. Did you find it helpful to type it all out? I find that helps me process it, plus then I can look back on it later.

About the fidgeting thing, it's the same with my T (to the point that for a few moments, I wondered if we could be seeing the same T, but then a detail you gave about him reaching for a pad on his desk from his chair didn't fit with the layout of his office). I do all kinds of fidgeting in session, and he's often fidgeting/playing with his hands, so I've wondered if he's also a fidgeter or if it's mirroring (whether consciously or subconsciously).

Yes, it was a good session! This kind of difficult but productive session has been pretty typical lately. Complete with extended silence at the beginning that always seems to happen recently no matter what I do.

I don't know if it was helpful to write it out, but it was definitely interesting. It does shift my recollections of the session some, but I'm not sure yet whether the shift is a good or productive one. It's an intriguing challenge to try to give an accurate picture of things though, especially trying to capture the feel of it without going into major TMI about the minutiae of my life and the issues I'm working on. So much of what happens in a session seems specific to those minute details, intangible, difficult to describe, or all of the above.

It's funny that your therapist fidgets that way too! I feel like mine doesn't fidget at all unless I'm doing it, so I do think there might be some unconscious mirroring going on. And I can definitely assure you we don't have the same therapist according to the posts of yours I've seen, unless your therapist has a secret life as a psychoanalyst

I tried to explain what I realized when journaling
That my anger isn't happening right now. Like yes I'm experiencing it now, but it's not present me being angry about things that happened to past me, it's like reexperiencing the anger I felt at the time.
I don't know if he understood. Or really thought that was an adequate explanation.
I told him about how angry I'd been so much of the time but it never mattered because my father would never back down on anything. I couldn't win. I still stood my ground.

I told him I wanted him to tell me more about what he was thinking. He said to ask. I tried to explain that asking is already putting myself in a vulnerable position. That it's safer to assume he believes the worst.
I struggle to get him to understand when I'm using an example. Like I tried to explain how long it took and how difficult it was for me to ask him whether he cared about me, and how mortifying that would have been if the answer was no. And he started going in the direction of that topic and I tried to explain that I was using an example of something I had asked, but there are a million things I'm too afraid to ask.
He still doesn't get what I mean.

I did ask him some things. I asked him whether he thought those were normal age appropriate responses and he was like "what, to want your mom there?" like it was obvious that that was normal and I said yes and he said it was.
I asked if he thought I had been weak. He didn't. He was pretty emphatic about that one.

I told him about standing up for myself. At a recovery meeting some guy I'd never met before started telling me how attractive I was, how he didn't understand why someone so beautiful would hurt themselves, etc... I interrupted him to explain that physical attractiveness is not among my values and doesn't factor into whether or not I hurt myself, that has more to do with how I judge myself as a person. He said something about confidence and how i see myself and I told him I could be a really good ping pong player but that's not one of my values or how I define myself so telling me I'm a good ping pong player isn't going to change whether or not I hurt myself.
I was telling my T because he'd been talking about my resistance to giving myself credit or whatever and I was pointing out that I gave myself credit for this and that I'd brought up the values that are important to me in how I define my worth as a person.
T asked if it bothered me when people tell me I'm attractive.
I told him it does in certain situations. It's patronizing and dismissive when someone's first response to my mental health issues is to tell me how attractive I am, as if that should matter to me. That I got ER staff, psych nurses, doctors, and plenty of other "professionals" saying that to me and it's always bothered me but this was the first time I've really said something more than just saying that's not what I'm upset about.
I also pointed out that does that mean it would be okay for me to hurt myself if they found me ugly? Does that mean that when I'm old and they no longer find me attractive then it's okay for me to hurt myself?

We talked about me standing up for myself. I said that I was allowed to tell myself that I'm a stupid incompetent worthless piece of ****, but if someone else questions my basic competency or intelligence I'll defend myself with balanced arguments. Not like claim that I'm a genius, but pointing out where I am in life and the evidence that I'm good at what I do.

Thinking about it later, it does bother me when people say I'm attractive even when it has nothing to do with being patronizing like that guy, but not for the reasons he might think. It's one of those things like my fear of asking questions because I don't want to hope the answer might be anything other than the worst.
Like I'm scared of letting myself believe something better than is true. Like I don't want to hope that he might care about me if he doesn't. I don't like that there's no good way to respond to someone telling you you're attractive/pretty/beautiful. If you argue with them that's rude and considered digging for compliments. But I'm afraid of accepting the compliment without arguing because then it seems like I'm agreeing. And what if it's a pity compliment and they didn't expect me to accept it without arguing? What if they're laughing at the ugly girl for accepting the compliment? I'm don't want to consider allowing myself to believe it because that's dangerous. What if I believed I was pretty and then it turned out that people think I'm ugly and are just being nice? I'd rather be the ugly girl who knows her place and knows better than to think that others might think she's pretty.
And I'd rather know my place and not think that my therapist might care about me. Or that he might not think I'm overreacting and being melodramatic about the childhood stuff. Or that he might think that I deserved anything better. Or that he might think it wasn't my fault.

He brought up ten year old me again. I told him that the part of me that would want to be kind to her instead of hurting her would be the part of my brain that saw her as "other" instead of "me." He said he wanted to work on me being able to feel that for myself.

It's the same danger though. What if I'm kind to myself and I don't deserve it. He always asks why I wouldn't and I never have a good answer.

t said said I don't look well
I said why
t chuckled and said well ur hunched over on the couch, hair in your face, holding yourself, and you seem very tired
we talked about nature of reality
t said he doesn't think it's good for my psyche to go down that rabbit hole
t said I'm sorry you're struggling
he said he wishes he could make it go away

Pdoc was helpful. He wanted to switch me to every 6 months. But decided to stay at every 3 months. He was really confused as to why I wouldn’t be recertified for Medicare. He said he would do everything possible so I could stay on it. He says I still definitely am considered disabled.

The only werid thing is I asked him if he had a therapist he could refer me to and he immediately listed off a couple names. Maybe I’m just reading into it. But I feel like maybe he’s curious to know more about me. I haven’t released my records from previous places. I’ve had other therapists and doctors in the past say they are interested in my past history. I’ve even had people call around to other people to get more info. I’m had people take my case because they were interested in it. supposedly my case is so unique. Why, I have no idea. So I wonder if this doctor has the same idea. Just the way he jumped at my request for therapist recommendations and immediately listed off names, I don’t know. What do you guys think?

Well the pdoc wouldn't get access to the info from a therapist he recommended unless you agreed to it.
Obviously it's hard for anyone else to guess without having all the info and having been there, but I've usually had pdocs really want me to be in therapy and really encouraging/supportive the second I expressed any willingness to try it again.
If your pdoc is any good he'll want you to be in therapy because he cares and therapy can be really beneficial in some ways that meds can't.

Saw T this morning since he offered to change my session to earlier last night when he texted me. First thing he said when I got in was that he apologized for not being able to call me back last night, and said he thought he'd be done sooner with whst he was doing but wasn't. He asked how MC went and I told him that got cancelled yesterday as well. He said something along the lines of that I had 2 therapists bail on me last night when I could have used one of them. We talked about how I coped, or lack thereof, over the weekend. He asked how I was feeling this morning, and I told him I was tired because I didn't go to bed until closer to 3:30 am but was actually feeling more emotionally tired than physically tired. I kept stopping midway through conversations and he kept asking me what was going on. Told him that my thoughts have been pretty bad this weekend. He asked what was going on yesterday that I decided to call Told him I was having some severe SH/SI thoughts He made a statement about what I said and I started tearing up but stopped myself. He kept talking about how he can tell that I feel really bad right now, asked how I imagine the rest of the day and week to go. I drifted once again and he asked what I was thinking of. I told him I wish I had more time in the session because of how ****** I was feeling and that maybe I could talk more if I had more time. He asked if I wanted to keep our usual time on Wednesday or if I wanted to see what other times he had available. I told him to just keep it where it is because I don't want to mess with DH work schedule. Really wish I could see him every day the next few weeks but I know that's not possible. He said I could call him before our next session and he would be able to actually call me back. Ended it there. I might call him tomorrow with how I'm feeling. We'll see.

Note: This session includes some discussion about treatment and causes of autism. I respectfully request that you not turn this thread into any sort of debate about that. If you want to PM me, that's fine, but I know it's a very divisive topic, and I don't want to get into that debate here.

T yesterday. He retrieved me (wearing jeans again), and we went back and sat down. Chatted for a minute about something, then T went, "So, hello!" Me: "Uh, hi!" T: "How are you?" Me: "Uh, I'm doing OK." T: "Just OK?" Me: "Yeah, kinda tired. It's been a rough few days with D." T: "I'm sorry to hear that. What's been going on?"

I talked about a few things that happened with her the past few days, including a rather disastrous trip to a restaurant with just me and her while H was...working in the sport he does work in. And a visit to watch H do that work the morning before that was very stressful. T said how it sounded exhausting, and I said yes, how H, his dad, stepmom, D, and a friend were going out to lunch after, but I was just wiped out.

I said she'd been having like daily meltdowns the past week. And that she'd done this in past but stopped for a while, but had started biting herself again, like on her wrists, when she's upset. T made a really sad face, like turning down his lower lip. It was rather endearing. We discussed that behavior briefly, and I said how I intended to contact one of the family therapists he'd forward to me.

I talked about the experience in the restaurant (for the record, it was 4:45 on a Saturday and a casual restaurant) and sporting venue, how whenever I take her out, if she's acting out, I worry that the other patrons or workers there will be upset with me. That they'll think I'm a bad mom. But I'm really trying. Like I want to hold a sign that says "She's on the autism spectrum."

T (who for those who don't know, has a son on the autism spectrum) said that if someone chooses to go out in public, then they have to realize they'll deal with a mix of people. And that most people will understand. And if someone doesn't, then it's on them, not me. I said I guess I knew that, especially if they're other parents. T: "Yes, that, or most people have nieces or nephews or younger siblings. They realize that kids act out." Me: "Yeah...but I think of how maybe I judged parents when I was younger...then again, I'm also right there with D, trying to calm her down, making sure she's not in anyone's way." T: "And that's probably why you haven't had any issues." Me: "Like getting kicked out?" T: "Or issues with other patrons."

He looked thoughtful for a second. T: "There was a time a while ago when we were at a restaurant in [city a few states away from us]. And this couple there was upset that there was even a child in the restaurant at all. Like the guy was talking to management, demanding a free meal because of it. And my son wasn't even acting out at all, it was just his presence. So it was obviously the guy, not him." Me: "And I assume you weren't there at 9 p.m. on a Saturday in a fancy restaurant?" T: "No, and it was midpriced. The guy complained to the manager. And my wife complained to him about it. They didn't give them a free meal." Me: "Good!" T: "But that's an example where the person clearly had issues, it was about them, not my son." Me: "Yeah."

Conversation shifted to my feeling like I wasn't being a good enough parent. T gave me a very caring look, like, to the point that I had to look away, it felt so caring and empathetic that it overwhelmed me. T: "The fact that you worry about that shows you are a good parent." Me: "I guess. I mean, I've heard that before." T: "I wish more people thought like that." Me: "What do you mean? Like that were concerned they weren't good enough parents?" T: "Yes. Not enough people think that way." Me: "Oh OK."

I said how I thought maybe part of my fears of inadequacy come from being in Facebook groups with parents of kids on the spectrum, including those doing various interventions. That I felt I wasn't doing enough. So maybe I needed to stop reading those? Because parents were doing all kinds of things. And I felt I wasn't doing enough. Like I felt in a way I should go back to the holistic psychiatrist we saw, but we haven't really done the gluten-free/casein-free diet, which was her first suggestion, so I'm worried she'd be critical of that. T: "That diet takes a lot of work. It might just not be the right thing for you, at least not right now." Me: "OK...I just worry about things like, snacks in aftercare, or like my parents who would think it's BS." T: "Then do other things instead."

T: "What are your parenting philosophies?" Me: "My what?" T: "What are your priorities as a parent? It can help to determine what your priorities are." Me: "Like...in what sense?" T: "Like, OK, you've mentioned trying different supplements for D at various times in here. So, say that's a priority for you. So you try different supplements. And then if you do that, you feel you're doing the best that you can." Me: "Oh, OK. I guess...I just always feel like I could be doing more." T: "Or you take her to a behavioral therapist." Me: "But like...what if the best behavioral therapist is in...I don't know...Arizona? Am I not doing enough if I don't travel there or move there?" T: "No, it's about doing what's reasonable, financially, logistically, what you can do." Me: "OK."

He seemed thoughtful again. T: "OK, so I believe that one of the contributors to the rise in autism in environmental." Me: "Like pollutants, pesticides, GMOs, stuff like that?" T: "Yes, partly that. And toxins in the environment. So something that I do to make me feel like I'm doing what I can is eliminate that as much as I can in our home. Like, we couldn't afford wool carpets, but for the carpets we got, we had a coating put on them that reduced offgassing." Me: "There's a coating that can do that?" T: "Yes." Me: "Well, we mostly have hardwood, so..." T: "That can offgas, too." Me: "Well, it's the original hardwood from like 40 years ago, so probably not an issue...But we need to get a new sofa and I worry about that." T: "There's a coating you can put on it to prevent the offgassing." Me: "Really? Oh OK."

We had maybe 10 minutes left. I wasn't sure where to go from there. T: "I have a question for you, not sure how you'll react." Me: "Uh, OK." T: "How much do you think you're affected by how the people in your life are doing?" Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Like if people in your life are doing poorly, does that affect how you're feeling?" Me: "Hm, I don't know. I mean, I might worry about them, but..." T said something there. Me: "But I guess I feel I'm most affected by D. Like she might be doing well, like she's doing lots of pretend play lately, and I want to be excited about that, but then I'm also thinking, 'but she should have been doing that years ago, does it even count now?' And I hate that. And if she's struggling, like this past week, I'm struggling." T: "OK, it makes sense you're affected by her."

Me: "I guess I kind of strayed from your question." T: "That's OK, you're talking about your D, so clearly that's what's most important to you right now." Me: "Yeah..." We talked about her a bit more. I mentioned how, say, some people in groups I'm in are homeschooling their kids, and I could never do that, I'd lose it, plus don't think i'd be a good teacher. T said some people who homeschool are former teachers. Me: "Oh..." He also said how I have to take care of me. Me: "Yeah...because if I don't do that I can't be a good mom to her." T: "Exactly." Me: "Coming here is a way that I take care of myself." T smiled.

Random thing from session--forget where it fit:

I was talking about schools for students with more severe special needs (not my D, but it came up). And T mentioned a video where a special ed gym teacher had figured out how to adapt a certain sport to kids who had severe physical and mental limitations. He seemed to be looking for it on his phone...like maybe he was going to show me in session? I don't know. He couldn't find it but gave enough details that I could search it online (I found it at home). T: "Just to warn you: You probably won't be able to watch it to the end with dry eyes." So...I guess it made him cry, too? (Yeah, it made me cry, but it doesn't necessarily take much.) It was touching to think of him getting emotional about someone helping special-needs kids...

Was time to stop. Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. I went over and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Good luck with D. I hope she does better this week." Me: "Thanks, me too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

I felt really connected to T that session. It felt again like he was talking to me as a fellow autism parent, not just as a T. And there was something about the way he was talking and looking at me that felt particularly caring. Almost...loving or something. Like just a real connection there.

Long talk with T. I think I am getting to one core of my issues. I don't think H bought the item because he doesn't want me to go on disability. I think he just did it without thinking of me. However, years ago, when I told him I didn't want to go back to work because it was too stressful, he bought a big SUV. I was thinking of changing jobs. He just made a decision, without thinking of me.


For Xmas one year, he bought both of them (D and H) a vacation without asking or telling me. I found out when she opened the present. I don't make at all as much money as he does. I couldn't believe it.


T, you told me that one could either work or not. The problem is sometimes I am okay and sometimes I am not. This equation doesn't factor into the fact that there are people like me. I am no longer having issues at this time. But I am so terrified that there is going to be a time when I have to continuously go to work feeling as terrorized as I did previously. And because I don't show it, that nobody would know it. I absolutely can work for as long as I can. Here is one of my deep, dark feelings. For the record, I am not even contemplating quitting.


I'm trying to deal with knowing that I have been in this lower position for quite awhile. How do I even start to move forward? Now I feel i have to be on guard which won't work. Ugh. Off to read the book, I need help.

It started with me bringing in the stuff I'd written trying to acknowledge that some of the stuff I experienced was difficult. I admitted to more of how difficult it had been than I had before. I always feel like I'm being melodramatic or showing how weak I am if I acknowledge that stuff.

Before I read it I asked him to promise he wouldn't think it was stupid and he did.

I mostly used statements like "that was probably pretty stressful for me" or "it's understandable that I felt upset" or "that was probably a difficult situation for a child."

I told him about the corner in my room where I sat on the floor curled up in a ball at night. I didn't have to point out that that's how I've been sitting during our sessions ever since we started talking about this stuff a few months ago.

I told him more about the "parental alienation syndrome" court argument. He wants me to believe that my feelings are valid because I feel them and not believe that I'm not allowed to feel hurt because things weren't "bad enough." I pointed out that that was basically the message I'd been given. My dread at having to be around my father, my pain, my anger, the fact that I said my father's rage felt like I was constantly under attack... None of that was enough. My emotions were just evidence that I was being irrational and had been brainwashed by my mother because I couldn't prove that things were bad enough to justify my feelings. He didn't hit me. Therefore, my hurt and anger and fear were all something that was wrong with me and something to be fixed. I wasn't supposed to feel those things. Those weren't my rules, they were the rules imposed upon me.
He said that was then, but now I got to make my own rules and change that.

At some point he said he couldn't imagine how difficult that must have been for me. I told him I knew he wasn't mocking me, but it felt like he was mocking me. He thanked me for telling him that and assured me that he wasn't mocking me at all.

When I was done reading everything he said that he couldn't imagine that I'd be that composed if it was someone else in the room talking about having had these experiences. I asked what he meant. He thinks I'm not letting myself really feel this stuff. That the way I was talking about it didn't match how horrible the stuff I was describing was.
I said I had to. I'd just been trying to make it through. I couldn't afford to let myself feel everything. He said that was then, but I was still doing that now.

At some other point when I said I felt like I was overreacting he said I was underreacting, not overreacting. There were multiple times he made the point that he thought that I wasn't acknowledging/feeling how bad it was, that it warranted a much stronger emotional reaction.

I asked him if he thought I'd been weak. He said no. I asked if he thought I'd been bad, in a moral sense. He asked for what and I said for not being stronger. He sounded kind of sad when he said no, he didn't think I should have been stronger.

I admitted that sharing this felt dangerous. That I was still scared that he'd side with my father. He said he didn't, and he hoped he'd never said anything that would make me think that he would. I said he hadn't, but I'd learned to expect it. That everyone else had.
I asked if he thought the courts made the wrong decision and shouldn't have made me go to my father's house. He said yes, that's what he believed.

I told him about my escalating dread every time I had to go to my father's house, but nothing I felt was ever enough. It didn't matter. I still had to go back every week. When the courts finally allowed me less visitation and my father started directing it at my brother instead and being nice when I was there because I would leave if he acted that way towards me, my brother would beg me to be there more because "dad was nice when I was there." I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I told my T that I knew it was irrational and I didn't have any reason for it, but I just couldn't make myself do it. T reacted to me saying I had no reason and very emphatically said I did, and I explained that I meant that there was no longer a reason because my father was fine when I was there. T said it was like PTSD, that being there brought all the memories back. I said it didn't bring back memories, part of the problem was my inability to remember specifics, it just brought back all the feelings. I said it was like it had been relentless for so many years and I couldn't escape it and once I finally got a break from that I couldn't bring myself to go back again any more than I had to. T was empathetic about this. He didn't think I was being weak.
He pointed out that I'd started using SH to deal with those feelings, and now when I was triggered and started feeling things I used SH to stop feeling them.

He described what I'd experienced as horrible again and I asked if he really thought it was horrible. He was pretty emphatic that, yes, he did think that. He referenced my frequent assertion that it "wasn't that bad" and said, yes, it was, it was awful. He said a few more things that I wish I could remember, but it basically amounted to him saying it was truly bad. He kind of sounded upset about it.
I said my father never hit me. He said we both knew emotional abuse was abuse and could do damage even if it wasn't in the form of visible bruises and injuries.

My memory of the order of events and the wording from this session is pretty scrambled. I was pretty emotional. I teared up several times and even actually cried a little towards the end when he was telling me that it really was horrible and said things about how he can't imagine how hard all of it had been for me and stuff.

After I left I started to worry that maybe I'd exaggerated how bad it was or somehow misled or manipulated him into thinking it was worse than it was.
His reactions and intensity about the whole thing seem way out of proportion. He seemed to feel really strongly about all of this. It's like he was talking about it like it was some upsettingly horrible childhood, but it wasn't really that bad. It wasn't great, and some parts of it sucked, but it wasn't that bad.

Read all yr posts on this and both personally and professionally my reaction, feeling, is sadness for you having to endure it and my thoughts are it was that bad.

But my t told me today in similar circs that I'm not ready to feel somethings and that is ok. She feels them when I tell her and she is holding the feelings for me. I trust her so even though I can't feel what she is feeling and am like really? I am giving serious credence to her views and feelings on it.

Thank you.
There's a lot of cognitive dissonance here. I've always felt like I had to try to convince people that I wasn't overreacting and I minimized and downplayed it because no one else seemed to think it was that bad.
And now someone is telling me it was worse than I think?
It was always so hard for me to remember details and specifics from those years. I maybe expected him to agree "you're right, that would have been stressful" or "yeah, that wasn't okay," but I didn't expect him to react so strongly. It feels like all the things he was saying were about someone else's childhood, not mine. My brain can't make them fit with mine.

I relate to what you said about not being ready to feel some things. After I read that and thought about it I realized that I'm scared to feel it. When I start to imagine actually letting myself feel it I'm scared I'd just start crying and never stop. I don't know how to soothe or comfort myself, I only know how to hurt myself.

I'm glad your T is understanding and that you're able to trust her, it sounds like she's really helpful and supportive. I'm sorry you've had similar circumstances and I hope things get better for you.

I told M about the letter I got from the hospital yesterday and I did a lot of crying. I couldn't look at him at all, except for a little bit at the end. I didn't quite manage to tell him how I really feel. I'm too ashamed. But I told him some of it. Then I couldn't look in case I saw that he really did think I'm ridiculous.

Anyway, at the end of the session (with four minutes to go) we had this exchange, which was good:

Luc: I'm waiting for you to make everything better. You have four minutes...
M: Okay. I'll try my best! ...what would make everything better?
Luc: Maybe if I could be a completely different person with a completely different life? That would be better. Wait... no, 'cos I might just end up being a different person with a different s**t life.
M: Yeah. So, a shrimp instead, then...
Luc: Yes! If you could magically turn me into a shrimp that would be great, thanks.
M: ...I haven't done that workshop yet...

Heh.

I relate to what you said about not being ready to feel some things. After I read that and thought about it I realized that I'm scared to feel it. When I start to imagine actually letting myself feel it I'm scared I'd just start crying and never stop. I don't know how to soothe or comfort myself, I only know how to hurt myself.

OMG this is a variation of the email I wrote to my doc yesterday. I spent the whole day running away from myself and my feelings because I was deathly afraid that if I felt then....who knows. Implosion? I told my doc that cryingvwas too milky a word for it, it was too strong, too deep, too powerful and frightening for just crying and I wanted no part of it.

But when I read this I felt that there was a little tendril linking me to you as suffering similar stuff at the same time, so not so alone in the world. Also felt that if this was not just me, if this was a understood or expected reaction to Cptsd healing, then, this too shall pass. Which is good as had gone back to SI which is bad and was just about to bring that up with my t now. That am struggling. But this has made it a bit better. Sending warm vibes.

It was a difficult one. I'm having trouble putting it all into words. We talked about the intense love and the missing him between sessions. T said it was hard to hear about how difficult it was for me. As I looked in his eyes in a moment of deep connection, he smiled a little. I asked why he smiled and he said he was just thinking he wished we could bottle this [the connection] so I could take it away with me.

I wish that too.

I feel really grounded and seen and heard. I was afraid that in talking about disability,, that you wouldn't get what I was saying. I desperately am afraid of having another "incident". 8 years is a long time. I am afraid I will be in that position and nobody will care. I am not afraid of getting better (at least not consciously). I so badly want to stop feeling bad. I surprised myself when I walked in the door and I stated, "Hey, the door is half open!"

What was that My dark side is not going to be happy about this, but I did find it to be humorous. I feel so lucky to have you as a T.

Session today was good. Told T about the psychiatrist appointment yesterday and he said he was sorry that I had such a horrible experience with that lady. We talked about how it felt to be dismissed like that and how it confirms the feeling that I'm too much for anyone to want to help. We talked about past experiences with other Ts and Pdocs and how I was told that I wanted to feel this way before and how I was told that I was being manipulative by coming to the community mental health clinic on a day that I didn't have an appointment and just asked to speak to my T for a few minutes because I was in crisis. .. That incident was about 4 years ago. But we talked about how those experiences still affect me and make me worry about reaching out for help between sessions or saying too much of what's going on in my head. T says that it causes a bit of dilemma for me because those thoughts are why I'm in therapy and holding them in just hurts me. He didn't say it in a judgmental way, more of a comforting way to try go ease my mind that he's not going to drop me as a client because of anything I say. He says he knows saying it doesn't help much and basically only time helps me with trusting someone. He did offer to help me find a psychiatrist if that's what I want, so that is an option if I want to pursue it more. At the end of session he asked me if I would like to come in tomorrow as well with how difficult this week has been and I said I would if it wasn't for the funeral and my daughter's field trip. He told me I could call tomorrow then and he'll see me Friday morning. The only way I could see him tomorrow would be late in the afternoon or evening but I highly doubt he has that but I might text him in the morning and see if he does have anything available. H and I are supposed to have MC tomorrow at 4 but seeing him would be more helpful at this point.

It’s been a while since I have had a therapy session where I felt like I was speaking in tongues. What I wanted to say and what ended up coming out of my mouth were two different things. I had to fend the Critic off even more than usual.
‘The Critic has been very vocal this week. Lots of past stuff coming up about getting close to my emotions and then retreating.’ I wanted to mention P by name, but I didn’t.
‘It seems to me that you have maybe never allowed yourself to get that close to your feelings with someone before? What you experienced last week struck me as really real…not that I experience you as not real…but an authentic expression of your feelings.’
‘True.’

I showed her the drawing, but didn’t say anything specific about her as the symbol of safety. ‘It’s been a while since we had a new one of these.’
‘I remember when you had them spread out on the floor. If I recall correctly, these are all aspects of you and your feelings?’
‘Not all…all except that one.’
‘So, can you talk me through this?’
‘The central figure is sadness and grief.’
‘Yes.’
‘The figure to the side is anger, whilst the figure on the other side represents safety. The figures in the background represent the stuff that is always there.’
I continued ‘Whilst I was tracing the base layer – I trace these because there’s no hope of getting them perfect every time – I felt a wave of…sadness is a small thing, and yet grief…yes, grief. Whatever it was, it was strong enough that I had to get up and walk away.’
We talked some more about this and I eventually said ‘The Critic says I can’t function with that level of vulnerability. I don’t drink alcohol, but this week reminded me of the quarter of a glass of Prosecco I had at friend’s wedding for toasts. It took me the rest of the next day to feel OK, and this week was a bit like that.’
‘It seems as though it takes you physical energy to process emotions.’

There were moments throughout the session where I lapsed into silence and R sensed me struggling to express myself. ‘It sounds as though you don’t know what to do with yourself.’

‘Yes, it’s exhausting, and then there’s still the flaming bathroom.’

We talked about how the Critic needs fear to function, and although there was pain last week, there was no fear. R said that it was triggered when I answered the door to her, which kind of didn’t sit well with me. The release happened then because I felt safe enough. She said that if it had been the postman that knocked on the door, my reaction would have been different.
I talked about how those people kept me scared, to the point that I couldn’t release any of the emotion. R remarked that this sounded like an ‘unhealthy, imposed’ fear rather than a natural fear of something that is unsafe.
‘Last week was the most vulnerable I have ever been, but also the safest I have felt in two years.’
‘As hard as it was, I saw that and felt connected to you. I don’t want to use the word, but it is the first word that comes to mind. You may still feel a little bit traumatised by what happened last week, so be kind to yourself.’
‘I may regret this, but next week I want to go there. [There being focusing on the bathroom scene, that scene…]’
I couldn’t look her in the eye as I said the next bit: ‘If last week taught me anything, it’s that I can feel safe with you.’
R apologised for not giving me more notice, but she didn’t want to spring it on me last week considering where we ended up. Next week will be the last session before Christmas.

T wore a jacket he had worn two years ago. Last year he only wore a T-Shirt even in Winter.
I started by telling him about my trip home last Friday.


We went quiet for a while, then I mentioned having seen my new doctor this morning. She agreed to continue referring me to my T so I could see him. T: "We almost thought that she'd say that!" I replied: "You maybe did, I didn't!" He laughed. I also mentioned starting my job only in February now and asked whether I could still see him twice a week in January. He said yes.

He said things seem to be going okay at the moment. I agreed with that, since now can relax and since that doctor has agreed to me seeing my T. He answered it seems this still stressed me out. I replied that she could have just said I couldn't see him anymore! He told me that no doctor would do that. I said there's bad doctors out there too. I told him about one time I was at the doctor's with my mom, I was around 13 years old. I kept getting sick and throwing up in the morning, so we wanted to check that out. The doctor took a book from his shelf, read in it for a while, then said he had no idea what was wrong with me and told us to leave. When we were walking out, I told my mom: "Did you see, that guy has the same book as we do at home!" T laughed again. Then he asked why it bothered me that guy consulted a book, isn't that what good doctors do? I agreed, but said if the book doesn't tell you anything, then the doctor shouldn't just say they don't know. He should do tests or something. I even knew at the time that this was happening since I was so stressed. T said maybe the doctor thought it wasn't too bad, feeling a bit sick from time to time. I got a bit upset and asked whether he thinks throwing up once or twice a week is healthy. He said he hadn't realized it was that often and involved throwing up. Then he said but at least the doctor was honest and told you he didn't know. To that I said that he should have given me recommendations for people who could figure out what was wrong. He shouldn't just send me away.

T said how doctors often do that, they do all these tests and can't figure out anything that's wrong, so they tell the patient everything's fine. But the patient still doesn't feel well. Often that for examples with panic attacks, where people think they have heart attacks instead.
He said how he's on purpose arguing with me about this. He said we're trying to think about what this guy might have thought such that I don't always just jump to bad assumptions about people.
Shortly after that, we confirmed we'd see each other on Friday and then said good bye.

T appointment yesterday. I had a mental list of things I wanted to talk about: sui feelings last week, how long its been since I've sh-ed (5 weeks) and how it is getting harder not to and how I usually break down at about 50 days, hallucinations, Christmas holidays, and how I've been coping. We got through the list which was good. She's really proud of me for the five weeks which makes me feel ridiculously good. It's weird, but positive feedback from others helps me not engage in that behavior. Once I had friends text me everyday for two months and I was able to not SH during those two months but of course after a while people have their own lives and can't continue that level of support which is fine. I was glad she was proud of me. T3 had accused me of manipulating her or something like that when I wanted her to be proud of me from abstaining from SH. It was a weird reaction so I'm glad this T didn't have that reaction and she was very positive about it.
She was glad that I talked to the PDOC about the hallucinations, and the PDOC isn't concerned which makes me not concerned so I'm happy about that. She said that if I have more that I need to tell him though. (I'm talking about auditory hallucinations. I get visual hallucinations but those don't bother me all that much usually, unless I'm really unwell, but the auditory ones do bother me a lot.)

We talked about what coping mechanisms I'm using to help me with the depression, sui thoughts, not SH-ing etc. After I talked about what I have been doing, she said I have a really good attitude, that I'm very positive and relatively stable. (I questioned her on that one because I don't feel relatively stable.) But what does "relatively" mean? So this was the first time I had disagreed with her and said so to her in session--which is really big for me because I don't usually disagree with people aloud, even if I disagree with them in my head. So, I deduce, I must be feeling safe enough with her to disagree with her. She said that when she said relatively stable, she meant, I wasn't reacting or acting out in violent or inappropriate ways, or bizarre ways. That yes, I SH which is a problem, but I'm taking steps to deal with it and those steps are productive and positive. I thought she was a little off course here because I have never reacted or acted out violently or anything like that. But I guess she was comparing me to her case load which may include people who do those things. She talked about breaking windows, etc. That's definitely not me. But I could see where she's coming from when she said, "relatively" stable. My mood is not stable but my behavior is relatively stable. I can keep myself safe when I feel unsafe. I will either let my parents know, or I go to the hospital or whatever. That was a good discussion to have. Even though I still sort of disagreed with her, I could see her point and I got what she was trying to get across. It also normalized some of my behavior.
We talked about Christmas and the people I've lost this year that will make the Christmas holidays more difficult. We talked about how my routine will be messed up during the holidays and what I have in place to deal with that. I'm very routine oriented. I need things to be relatively the same everyday. It helps me be stable. I'm going to my sister's for the holiday and that is always stressful being around my brother-in-law especially, and the five children but not as much. I'm just not overly used to being around children. I have a trip this weekend, and Disneyland on Monday so a lot of different stuff happening that can throw me off.

I was worried about this appointment because it had been a month since I've been to Therapy which I'm still getting used to, after 10 years of going once a week. I talked to her about how sad I am that my former T isn't my T, that Thanksgiving was hard because of that and how I anticipate Christmas being hard because of that. She took me talking about my former T very well I thought.
I gave her a Christmas card which she thanked me for and really seemed to appreciate. She wished me a very merry Christmas, and I told her I would see her on the 2nd. Also she commented on my little stuffed animal that I bring with me to therapy. She said it's so realistic (it's of a little hamster). She said something when I was leaving, and I said, "See ya later." It was a good session overall. Thanks to anyone who reads all of this. Kit.

It went so badly today I discontinued services for my own safety. I don’t really want to get into it. But it went very bad today. I’ll be looking for a new therapist eventually in a completely different practice.