In Session Today: Part V

Started off by telling him I had been still a bit sad after I left on Wednesday, but it got better after a while. Although I . He asked why, I said because I was angry with myself, for not being able to talk the way I want to.

He asked whether this was the same thing as what happens quite often. I didn't know what he was talking about. He explained that I often seem to be fighting with myself. First the session goes well, we talk and I seem relaxed. Then, at some point it suddenly switches and I hide even more than usual, want to cry, shake and overall seem very tense. He said that's what it looks like from the outside. But that he has a hard time telling what exactly is happening in those moments, why it happens and all that.

I replied that I know what he is referring to and that it indeed is the same thing in all those instances. I don't know what or how to talk. He wanted to know whether I decide to do this, but it just happens, I can't really control it. We talked about whether I do this with other people as well, suddenly change my whole body language, start to shake, all that. I said it sometimes happens when I'm by myself. Otherwise currently it only happens with him, but there used to be a friend (about who we have talked a lot during therapy) who had to see me like that a lot. T said how that friend always tried to comfort me by hugging me. Whether that was the goal of behaving like this, to get comfort? I laughed and told him that it never helped when that guy hugged me. I would cry for two or three hours on his bed while he hugged me. Sometimes I'd turn away from him to hide, and then turn towards him again. But as soon as the friend told me I'd have to leave soon, I could stop being upset and seem all normal from the outside again. So I don't think it's to get comfort, because comforting doesn't help.

At some point I mentioned that on Wednesday there had been a whole lot I wanted to say. But it didn't work, even though I wanted to. He asked what exactly I would have liked to say. I replied just share what's going on in my head, what I feel or see. He asked whether it could be that it's not important to talk about? I don't know whether it's important or not, but I do know that I'd like to share those things, that I often think how I'd like to share them but can't. But it would feel right to tell him those things.

We both got quiet. He asked what I was currently thinking about. I said about how I have trouble talking sometimes and that I'm sad it's like that. He wanted to know whether I'm ashamed of the things I don't say. I replied that most of the time I'm not ashamed. I don't feel a lot of shame in general. Most things are even topics we've already discussed before. For example on Wednesday, we have talked about every single memory that came up once before. But the memories changed so quickly, there were so many, that I felt if I would say something about one thing, by the time I had finished my sentence there would already be a new memory. And then I couldn't answer his questions properly. T asked whether I try to find the correct answer a lot. I said no, but I do want to have something to talk about if I mention something, I don't just want to throw it out there. That's also sometimes an issue, I know I want to discuss a certain topic, but don't know where to start, what to say, what exactly is even important to me about that topic. I just know I want to discuss it.

He mentioned it's one of our goals that I feel comfortable enough with myself to be able to just say whatever I want and feel it's okay the way I do it, no matter what he thinks about it.

He asked what the purpose was of behaving that way. He said if I do it, there must be a benefit, no matter how short that benefit lasts for. I said I don't want anything to change. He didn't understand that. I said I want everything between us to remain the same. He asked whether I'm afraid to change. I feel that it would be nice to change, to for example be able to relax and just tell him whatever I want to. So I don't think that's the case. He mentioned I might not need him anymore if I change. I told him I rather think if I start to talk about something and then don't have anything more to say, then he will have a bad impression. He said I don't want him to be angry. Whether I'm scared that he'd abandon me after I say something? I nodded. He said he had never even hinted at leaving me, nor would he ever do it. That this room was a good place to trust somebody. Of course there's always a small risk of something going wrong, but this is pretty much as good as it gets. But that he knows I'm extremely scared of abandonment and that it could well be that this fear is connected to me having trouble with talking. He said that probably instead of abandoning me the opposite would happen if I shared more.

He sounded like he wanted to wrap up, but then continued talking. I looked at him at some point, and when I looked away he mentioned how I looked at him without him telling me to, that this tells him it was good to talk about all this. I looked at him again and he looked as excited as a small boy, he seemed really genuinely happy that I managed to do it twice.

Then we started scheduling for next week.