Couch 176: The happy cake couch

I don't why I'm even sad or crying right now. It's not like I expected myself to pass, but I hoped that I would. I scored 49.5 when we need 70%. I have 6 days utill I retake.

I'm just asking myself can i really do this? I miss my mom. I dreamt about my old best friend. I miss her and they were the only best I ever had. Who am I supposed to call now? My frequent "crises" are tiring.

Please can someone save me from myself.

I’m so sorry, Lemon. You were pretty brave to go for it the way you did even though you weren’t sure about taking the exam.

I'm sorry you failed. I think it was brave of you to take the exam in the first place. It takes a lot of courage to do those things when we're not "sure" we're gonna succeed.

What would your mom do in this situation (or what would you wish her to do... )?

I'm sorry, Lemon. You were brave enough to try. That counts for a lot - I hope your retake goes the way you need it to.

I'm sorry, lemon

Sending you whatever the collective term for a load of love is

Thank you guys. I went out and bought ice cream but the tears have started again and i'm having a meltdown. I called my emergency contact again she's at the hospital but said she would call me back as soon as she could. I called my brother he's not picking up. I called my friend whose on holiday in Tanzania. I'm tempted to call the girl who stopped pretending I exist. I want R.

You can do it!

I called a boy from the year above whose always been nice to me. He spent 26 mins listening to me cry and just kept telling me that it was okay, that he failed it the first time he took it too. He said to take today easy then just to keep going. He said he was proud of me for trying. He used football and boxing references- but he gave me hope.

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.

On the plus side I've noticed that I've been missing out complete words, but it still makes sense!

Even if you didn't make sense, support and care aren't contingent on how understandable you are. You deserve those even when you can't convey your struggles well

I'm glad he was able to help you feel better. Hope you're doing a bit better

I'm sorry Lemon. I agree with others that you were brave to try in the first place and should be proud of yourself for that! I'm glad your friend was able to give you some hope and help you feel a little better. I hope by now things are looking a little betterer (is that a word?) Sending lots of gentle hugs.

Thank you for all the support guys,it does mean a lot.

Technically I didn't lose anything by trying as the first attempt doesn't count.

Creepy guy visited me (he lives on my floor and is in the same year as me and he passed), he gave me a hug. Then I went to his and explained one topic one to me. We're going to our fav burger bar at 7pm. I swear I wanted to kiss him. He's asked me out before but I always said no. I think I should definitely not act out on anything right now!

Let's talk OREOS!!

You went to a creepy guy's room? . How creepy is he?

R first called him creepy guy when I told him, he asked me if I wanted to just sleep with him and the name stuck. R later said that he felt protective over me. ( ). He's nice but before I felt like I couldn't really talk to him about deep stuff, just jokes but I feel like I do love him. (I love too easily though and get attached to everyone so I'm not sure how much of a factor that is).

I'm watching "I am Jazz season 4". She's seeing a hynotherapist who is doing past life regression- think that's something I'd want to try even though it seems very woo but she was given a blanket and a pillow.

I cancelled on creepy guy, he also wanted me to take photos for him. I told him that I was exhausted.I texted asking if we we're okay- he replied back saying that I never wanted to do anything and that I always changed my mind. That he was going out now so it was okay.

Why do I even care that I'm being a flake?

First day of classes today. I don't feel enthused. Managed to get all but one online so work wouldn't be affected and I wouldn't have to ride the stupid bus. Next year, I can have an on campus parking permit. Right now, I'm only allowed a night and weekend one. I'm going to get a bike, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll like it better than driving. I got a special basket for my little 6 lb dog to ride in, too. He's going to love it!

I'm enjoying the mental image of your dog riding in a bicycle basket, Susannah. Thank you!

I would like to try a hypnosis thing like that too. Fits right in with my woo level ☺

My manager is in the office today (he works at home) (!!!) So I pulled him aside and asked for a status on when I might be allowed to work at home, considering my supervisor is in CA and my manager works at home and listen how loud it is in here, I can't concentrate and he said "soon, very soon." Crossing my fingers!

Hooray for Artie!

H started his new position Monday. He works like a second shift type of thing now where he starts at 1pm and does not get home till almost midnight. So all week long when I get home from work-I have the house to myself. I enjoy this arrangement. It means we only spend Saturdays and Sundays together and really don’t even see each other all week. (He’s still sleeping when I get up for work and gone when I get home. Plus I am in bed when he gets home at midnight) I think the breathing room during the week is good.

I hope this okay to post here. I don’t really want to start a new thread and this doesn’t seem to fit in any of the other existing ones.

I can manage well. It’s the one thing I can do right. I am doing really deep trauma work in therapy and so far I can always figure out how to go back to the real world after session, leave everything in the therapy room, and live my life. It’s been difficult, but I could pull myself out of it. I get disruptive thoughts and debilitating flashbacks, but I have always been able to find a way to move on from it after a while.

But now I can’t. I can’t manage at all. Nothing has been working and the thought of nothing working is giving me a panic attack.

Anyway, hello everyone. Is there still any cake left?

*offers EH cake*

Trauma work is hard, and look at you doing the brave thing. Do you have grounding techniques?