Therapist is fed up with me

My therapist has said she’s fed up with me and that she has tried everything. I can still go if I want but she has also asked a few times if perhaps I’d find it easier to talk to someone else. I really don’t want to quit as I can’t imagine starting again. I had a bad experience with the therapist before this one and I feel like I’ll lose any hope if I stop seeing this one.
I’m finding it really hard though as the reason she is fed up is because I say very little and it appears like I don’t want to be there. I really do want to talk, I just find it really hard. Knowing she’s fed up, just makes it even harder for me to talk. She also comes across a lot less warm and friendly than she used to.

I’m not really sure what I want by posting this. It’s really upsetting me, so maybe just to get it off my chest. I have already tried telling this but she didn’t seem to understand but I’d appreciate any other advice or how best to say it again.

I'm sorry your therapist said she is fed up with you. That doesn't seem very theraputic to me. It can be hard to be vulnerable and to open up and talk, but I understand also that it can be hard to receive help if you aren't talking much. I have trouble talking in therapy too, and my former T would talk and I would email her between sessions and then we would talk about that. But now that I'm having to look for a new T, email may not be an option, so I may have to get...well...chattier. So I do understand where you are coming from. When I have been really stuck before and unable to talk, I have written down what I wanted to say and brought that in to therapy and then let my T read it, or I have read it aloud. Having the thoughts down on paper makes it easier. I also keep a journal each day, just a really quick mood check in journal so I keep track of x number of days I felt like this which is usually a good place to start talking. Maybe that would be something you could do also, if you think it would help you. ((Hugs)) if you want them.

Thanks for the reply. It really sucks struggling to talk, doesn’t it!
Unfortunately I’m not allowed to email. I do keep a diary but my therapist refuses to read it and I have to read it out loud, which is normally ok but with some topics recently I’ve been struggling to do that. Maybe I can try that again though.

Have you thought about what you want from her? If you are happy with going and mostly being silent, then why quit? If you are not happy with the way things are going, then perhaps a switch might help.


Do you think you are talking more now than at first (I am asking because you said that you want to talk), or are you talking less?

And, if talking more is your goal, do you think you will be able to work toward that goal knowing she is fed up with you?

IMO she should not have said that. For me, I think I would move on to someone else because of that. But that doesn't mean that is the right thing for you to do. I would, though, reflect either in my journal or on here if you want about what it is that you actually want from her.

Thanks for the reply and the questions. It’s definitely given me something to think about and consider what I really want.

I'm dealing with the exact same thing....although MY T (who I've been with twice a week for over four years) has decided to retire from clinical practice at the end of the year, and although she had considered keeping me on as an exception, has changed her mind on that for the same reasons you state. It's incredibly painful.

I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing and it must be even tougher when you’ve be going twice a week for four years. It sounds really cruel to say you will be an exception and then to change her mind!
Do you think you’ll look for another therapist?

That is tough.

It would be difficult to do effective and/or productive work if a therapist claimed to be fed up with a client and admitted defeat (i.e. "she has tried everything").

If you still want to work with her, have a heart to heart with her... what does she feel would help break the stalemate? At the same time, also voice anything that is bothering you regarding her approach or what she did that upset you so much that you clammed up.

That is very tough I would be upset if my therapist said they where fed up with me. I hope you have the courage to talk to her about how you feel and if things can be worked out. Hugs

Sorry, but I think she "should" be fed up with herself, not you. You are the client, you come with what you come with, if she can't help, if she has "tried everything", then the inadequacy is with her, not you.

The problem, of course, is that it's not so easy to leave and try to find another therapist. And would that even help? I definitely understand this. Sorry you're having this experience.

Thanks for the support. It’s nice to know other people would find it hard. I have said it’s not nice to hear that she’s fed up but she said about how I expect too much from her and I need to meet her halfway and put more effort in myself (which I can understand, I do need to try more). She used to help me talk but now she basically just sits in silence, which is the worst thing to get me to talk.

I’ll try to talk about it again next time too.

I don't think sitting in silence is very helpful to anyone. They are supposed to work with you on some level. I guess the statement was direct, although I think an inappropriate way to say it, but something about the whole thing seems passive aggressive. Maybe the silence. It almost seems immature honestly. She either needs to say she cannot see you anymore, or give you something specific she needs you to work on to meet her halfway. Otherwise, saying she is fed up and that you expect too much is something she should not say to you, as that is about her emotions or limitations to help you, and not you. I really don't know how anyone could get something out of therapy like that, and actually I think I would find it made me worse. I don't know the whole situation of course, or your relationship, but I would totally find a new therapist were I in that situation.

Perhaps you can use other methods of communication. Even silence is communication, it just sounds like she is getting the wrong message from your silence. From what I hear in your statements, it sounds more like you are frozen inside, not willfully or purposely being silent. Could you use a book, poem, song, meme, pictures, game... something to "break the ice" so to say? Or maybe sitting differently in her office might make things just seem different enough.

While I do think a T should be able to support you through this and help you find a way to talk; mine did not suggest any of the things I do in session to communicate with her and to keep myself talking.

You say you used to talk more and then she changed something and that has caused you problems. Have you talked with her about that change and how it is affecting you, is she aware that it was/is still a problem? Have you told her how much you miss whatever was the old thing?

Frozen inside is perfect way of describing it. There’s lots of stuff I want to say, I just can’t seem to get it out.
I’d love to play a game of some sort, or just something more interactive. She used to draw diagrams and I found that easier. I’d be too ashamed to suggest a game but I will mention drawing.

She is aware of the thing that has changed and she believes it has been resolved and I think it has been but the knock on effects from it, haven’t been resolved. It really caused me to spiral downwards and I started using unhealthy coping mechanisms that’d I’d not done for a while.

I’ve decided to give it one month, where I will do my absolute best to put lots of effort in and see if things improve. The main thing that is upsetting me is how cold and un-caring she seems. I’ve only noticed this recently so I don’t want to quit based on a few weeks out of a year and a half.

i know of a case where the client came every week for 6 months and never said a word. At some point after the 6 months the person started talking and the treatment ended up being very successful.


maybe you should look for an analyst...behaviorists get more upset when "goals" arent being actively discussed every week.

I'm sorry you experienced such a nasty T. Even if she did feel fed up imho she never should of said so. She's suppose to be a professional!!!! Mixed feelings you changing therapists. You spend 4 yrs with her So as I see it there's the problem of starting over. Conversely there's the issue of feeling rather uncomfortable with your current T. I think it would be a good idea to dwell on what is the better choice. Only you can decide.

I think I will see how the next month goes. I’d rather try one more time than give up early. In general I really struggle to leave things and I’m never the one to end a relationship, no matter how bad, so it’d be very out of my comfort zone to choose to quit.

I like how you are going to see how the next month goes. Sometimes therapist really find it hard to see the benifit of silence in the session. I hope you both have a good talk about it and can move forward. I hope things do work out. Hugs

I can relate too... I seem to frustrated lots of therapists! MachuPichu - did I read correctly? You bring in your diary/writing and she refuses to read it? Wow... that would really shut me down even more!

My last T was *great* about reading anything I brought in (though he did ask me to make the type bigger, ha!) He'd ask if I wanted him to read it silently or to reply as he read through it... and usually he'd end up reading (silently) but then stopping to answer things in my notes. He never, ever pushed me to read it out loud... and so, even though he had a lot of faults, I very much appreciated that. I felt like I could write about things in the moment, when I was upset, and he could get a sense of what that was like... since the "crazy" feelings were never actually present when I was in the therapy room. I think, in that sense, he was able to see a lot more of my dysfunction than other therapists.

My current T... I've only brought something in once. She asked if I would read it out loud, and I *froze* (with a pillow up in front of me!) and mumbled something like, "If you make me do this, I will NEVER bring in any writing ever again!". I'm not sure if she heard all of that...

Anyway, she read it herself (silently). But even with that, it's made me hesitate to bring in anything else. Which is probably another big stumbling block between us

Do you feel like another T might actually be a better fit for you? Have you had anyone in your life that you felt more comfortable talking to? Or, can you imagine what you might need from a T to be more comfortable? I don't think it's ever going to be easy, but I've noticed that I've had friends that made me *want* to talk about my stuff... (not many, but 1 or 2!) - where I felt so safe/comfortable that I just wanted to talk about everything! But, it's really rare... and I haven't found a T that makes me feel like that...

Wow . I’m really sorry

I’ve read so many posts here about great therapists that I was a bit surprised to read this title. And then I read your post.

And then, I saw you live in the UK. I do too.

I wish I could offer some encouraging words. It does seem, to me, that this sort of situation occurs more frequently in this country. A therapist who I somewhat trusted suddenly changed, and said he felt very “indifferent” to me, how I was “unhealthily dependent” etc etc (none of this was discussed or even hinted at before. ... how he felt “callous” towards me.. and I’m a nice bear Not “perfect” but who is ..

I offer my empathy . It hurts so much. And starting again is so hard. Especially if, like me, this experience has worsened trust issues

Please keep posting. There are others who can relate to some of this, there is a way forward.. I’m not sure exactly how though

I'm sorry that this is happening to you in therapy and i can relate. my ex-T also would get frustrated when i would not talk and for a while he tried to encourage my talking by being silent himself. needless to say, it didn't work and only led to more frustration on his part and for me actually enjoying the moments of silence because it meant I didn't have to delve into discussing things that were frightening or would trigger me. in the end, turns out he really had no understanding of what was really going for me in those moments of silence, even when i tried to explain.

not sure if trauma is one of the reason why you are seeing a T, so this may or may not be helpful for you, but there is research that has been done using brain scans that indicates when there has been trauma, the region of the brain whose function is to be able to articulate feelings and memories into coherent verbal language, called Brocas area, will physically 'shut down' when the client is activated by fear or is triggered into a fight or flight mode (which definitely can occur in therapy when feeling unsafe). because of the Broca area going 'off line' when the client becomes triggered or frightened, the client struggles to coherently talk or describe events and effectively shuts down. This in turn frustrates the therapist and if the therapist has no idea of what is physically happening for the client due to the fight and flight response being triggered, the therapist chalks it up to the client being resistant. unfortunately many Ts, like my ex-T, are unaware of this very thing because they are not trauma informed and topics relating to neuroscience put them off.

it's disappointing to hear about Ts who get frustrated with clients who struggle to talk especially when there is a perfect valid reason for it and it's not always about the client being resistant. unfortunately, when this happens it's usually the client who is shamed or punished for it in the end because the T is not fully competent or understanding to handle it.

My heart goes out to you. I get tongue-tied too, and my T gets frustrated with me and says I am retreating for no reason. That criticism is like an arrow in the heart, I am so sad and sorry, and then I do even worse. Have you thought about maybe writing down one moment from the week or the past on a sheet of paper and bringing it? I have done that- just kind of one topic and one moment of it to explicate and get started. The security of having the topic in my hand if my mind goes blank really helps.

Wow saying he is callous towards you, that’s such a horrible thing to say. I’d be so upset. I’m sorry you’ve had something similar to me.

It’s really hard starting over, especially as the person before was even worse. We have enough problems anyway (that’s why we’re in therapy) don’t need more from the person who’s meant to help!