[MRT6211]

Hello all! It’s been a while since I posted...but a little over a month ago, the therapist I absolutely adored that has been the best therapist that I’ve ever had by far and saw me through the toughest year of my life and got me to the point where I was rehabilitated enough to go back to medical school, got a promotion and left. She doesn’t do therapy anymore. I still get to talk to her on email, but she’s not my T anymore.

This isn’t about her, though...my new T (at the same program as old T), is good and everything, and I do talk to her and write to her, but I can’t feel any kind of emotional connection to her whatsoever, and I usually do pretty immediately with Ts. She’s the best fit for me in the program as far as Ts go by far, and I don’t want to change Ts. I just feel distraught tonight because I wish I had that emotional connection with her. I think my conscious parts want it, but my subconscious parts are too afraid. Every T I’ve had has left me, or I had to leave them, a year after I started seeing them...literally 4 years in a row in the summer time. (No wonder my bipolar acts up in the summer...) So I think I’m protecting myself by not wanting to engage emotionally with her. Especially because the first time we had session together she said basically her goal for me is for me to not even be in this program anymore a year from now. Why bother connecting then? It’s just going to hurt more when I have to leave...I don’t feel like putting a lot of effort into a therapy relationship that’s going nowhere. I almost just want to find a new therapist right now so I can establish long term care. But I do like this new T...she’s good and caring and I can talk to her relatively well, just only in superficial ways.
I’m having urges to do stupid things (ie self harm) to get her attention and I don’t even get why because I don’t really want attention, I want distance. I don’t even understand my own brain...Maybe I feel like if I make her concerned about me or angry at me, then we can have that emotional connection? Idk. I fully know this is the borderline/my emotional mind talking. I’m not going to act on the urges I just don’t feel very good right now kinda suddenly tonight. At least I have this space to vent...:/

[CantExplain]

I can understand why you might want something more permanent.

Don't you find it easier to tell a T things you have told a previous T?