Last session

I agree. I was just replying to what you said about it only being up to the victim to make the call. That's not strictly true, legally speaking. As for weaver's therapist and the way she handled the situation, I agree that it was horrible and messed up. I would have terminated with her immediately if she had done that to me, though I understand it was hard for OP because of attachment.

I am so sorry WB. You've really hung in there and tried to work with a difficult impasse and dynamic. This sounds heartbreaking. I do believe the right T is out there for you, bc this one seems kind of authoritarian through the threads in a way that seems to inflict pain rather than sooth it. At the same time the bond is there and strong enough to really hurt in the breaking of it. It is almost like you got put I a double bind by a T- which should not happen.

I have a part of me that seems somewhat similar to you, susannasays, and it has been very difficult for (the rest of?) me to "get in touch with" and allow into being. Which is what I interpreted therapists "instructions" early on, years ago, to do. And, then, when I have done that and allowed her into the therapy room, "I", the whole of me including the part like you, is shamed by therapists -- repeatedly has been -- and, in the case of the last therapist -- I, the part like you, eventually "left", leaving the situation to the childlike people-pleasing part(s) of me, having tried very hard to be honest and moderate and . . .etc., etc.

Does that make sense to you, susannahsays?

The child-like people-pleasing part(s) of me did not recognize what it was that "she had done" to me. It wasn't/isn't in their repertoire of behaviors/responses. It has needed the part of me who is like you in order to get that information.

What came to "me" (full consciousness) when I "left" was that therapist could not allow another "person" in the room. She said in a later session that she had been "triggered". And so maybe whatever had been triggered, and acted out, in that session was a something that had to dominate, insisted on dominating, could not tolerate anything else.

I'm still trying to work out some perspective and understanding of the dynamics. It seems like I read stories similar to mine not infrequently on this forum, and -- nothing that I have read elsewhere to explain or promote understanding about it. The dynamic damages lives, I believe. It's a form, I believe, of "narcissistic abuse", even if the T isn't a full narcissist but only partly. Please forgive me, weaverbeaver, if you feel I have hijacked this thread.

If anybody is interested in exploring this more I can start another thread.

It hurts so much, I cried when I told t that I am not going back to her.
T started to cry too, it was so hard because I wanted to comfort her and rescue her by saying that I was sorry and that I will come back next week.

I really see the power difference in therapy now and it’s very cruel when it used against the client like this. I am so confused- on the one hand I love my t and I seen that she cared when she cried but I also see how cruel she can be to me.
Why is therapy so hard. I still think that t pushed me way beyond my limits and left me without the supports and coping skills to deal with all this trauma.
She didn’t stop to think about the impact doing this would have on me.

You didn’t hijack and I am interested in exploring this dynamic more. I recognise parts of what you said in what t and I do.
My t has often been triggered in session. She explained both times what had happened but I was shocked by her behaviour both times and felt she was extremely abusive, both times she blamed me for provoking her behaviour!

Things that shines through all this are your sense of fairness , capacity to work in grey area , desire to do the right things, and really big heart. You seem like a tremendous human . This situation is too hard, and it does seem like she sent you out into deep water before you were ready. I'm sorry for the hurt you found in therapy compounding real life, and also I admire the way you stay open to reflect. I agree the power difference is a scary thing in the wrong hands, and I am sad for what you are experiencing in therapy going wrong, bc even with therapy going right, csa processing tests every nerve and takes every breath.

I agree, CSA is very delicate and should be processed with caution unless the person is ready.
I never thought that this would be so triggering and would affect my life so much. It feels like I am so exposed that I am walking around with my skin peeled off and everyone can see what’s inside.
Thank you for the kind words but I feel like I am a flawed human and there is something very wrong because I don’t want this man to get caught or to be punished.
T has a strong sense of justice and retribution but I am afraid I don’t. The justice system is flawed. I would be the one on trial not him.
T kind of withdrew through all of this and it’s not like her to ignore my texts and calls, she has always met with me when I needed extra support but because I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to do she withdrew!

I relate with you on these issues, and feel similarly. My T though takes a stance that selfhood and power were taken ruthlessly away, and he will not do any Karpman(?) triangle roles and will not promote an agenda except to advocate for me to find my own voice. That doesn't mean I don't feel overexposed yet I trust him to protect my confidentiality and sense of agency. This is strong , but I fell like she hurt your sense of volition and agency when it is exactly what needs to be safeguarded and and grown in you. I am so sorry. I don't even know you but I have a brokenhearted feeling over this. I also hope you don't give up bc the right trauma therapist can be a wise companion in a very dark woods. - Esme

Esme,
Did you ever think of becoming a therapist yourself? You have a great understanding of trauma and lots of empathy.
I like the sound of your t, he sounds very safe and secure unlike my anti hero t!
It’s fun my you mention the Karpman triangle because that’s what I have been thinking about lately. I wondered if I always put myself as the victim that t will always be the persecutor and rescuer. I set it up every time. Maybe she is not the abuser but I haven’t given her any chance to be anything else.

T knowingly took away my empowerment by making the decision for me, she definitely had an agenda in all of this. If I had made the choice to report in my own time when I wasn’t as vulnerable and was stronger it would have allowed my sense of agency to grow but this has done so much harm by reminding me I am powerless and still have no control over my life.

My last therapist was referred to me by one of the authors who developed or at least wrote about the theory of structural dissociation mentioned in a Janina Fisher article referenced in another thread.

I can understand, as discussed in another thread, if people with full DID don't want to integrate. But for me, diagnosed by the people I mentioned above, with DDNOS I think and feel like integration was, and is, the best option.

The challenge has been how to do it. The therapists I mentioned helped with understanding the dissociation and trauma that led to it.

They did not -- and I believe they did not know how to -- help with the integration, expecting it, I guess, just to come together on its own, as perhaps it does for some people.

They, and no other therapist, ever talked about to me volition, agency, or empowerment. These seem like important concepts in the development of a sense of self.

From my experience with DDNOS, I do experience my "parts" as having different agency and volition. I'm trying to get them "together" but it is hard. Maybe that's not necessary or even desirable?

Maybe my social self doesn't need to despise or be ashamed of my protective self, who cares about nobody but herself and continued (physical) survival? But I had therapists who shamed that part of me, over and over, when she was neither integrated nor socialized. It's been very non-helpful, repeating the shaming which that part of me experienced growing up both in my family and my culture. And a real catch-22.