there's so much going on idk what to use as a title

So the last 3 years I had 3 different therapists, and I was just slowly drifting deeper and deeper into my depression. I began to drink again after being sober for a year, I began to self-harm again after being abstinent for 2 1/2 years. I had isolated myself for three years from all humans besides 1 and only left my apartment twice a month. I was spiralling. So I used to go to an outpatient mental health and substance abuse rehab program. I did well there. So I asked my therapist to refer me back there which she did.

My old T from my college days a few years ago, the one I love so dearly, is no longer a therapist but is actually the boss lady at that program now (She wasn't when I attended there the first time). I knew this and I was a little bit weary of going back for this reason and others (Like what some other staff would say) I knew she would never say anything bad but for me it was more that I didn't want to get close again even though I still love her dearly. It was very hard to be ripped away from her because of insurance billing reasons. I didn't want to go through that again, and she isn't a therapist let alone mine anymore. So it made me weary if I could keep those boundaries up for both of our sakes.

But I knew I had to go back and I did. And it's been weird. I am doing better somewhat. I self-injured again last night and had a panic attack at the program today. But I've been there 2 weeks, and only got to see my old T for three mins. I realized how much that bothered me but told myself, "She isn't your T anymore Daeva, remember that." I would get jealous because in this plac you are assigned a staff member as your advisor/counselor you see them once a month to talk and see how you're doing, but mainly you go to group therapy and classes for 8 hours a day.

It's so odd I feel so jealous yet when asked if I wanted her as my counselor by the in-take person I was leery and shook my head and wanted to flee from the idea. She was the best T, it has nothing to do with her, but with not wanting to feel the pain of that separation again. Anyway, last night I drifted on here just to check in to see how people were when I saw a post, I don't remember whose but It was talking about feeling like they let their therapist down. And I realized suddenly that's whats bothering me. I felt like I had disappointed my T, let her down, made her feel like she wasted her time.

She was there for me during my hardest years (As were you all, ty!), and I was super difficult, over-attached and really really far out there. Anyway, she was the first person in my entire life who I had trusted and who taught me things that everyone else seem to know already. And then after all the work she put into me again and again, and to have to crawl back and admit I f'd it up again and failed. It was horrible. So that was weighing on my mind. What's great is even though I have all these feelings and even though it's been years my complete and utter faith and trust in her never wavered. I waited til she was free then sat down at her desk and just asked outright, "Are you disappointed in me?"

She stopped what she was writing, wheeled around to face me and laid her hands on her lap and goes, "I'm curious as to why you feel like that." I have to admit it kinda makes me giggle how quickly my T snaps into automatic therapist mode. We discussed it, among other things like what's been going on in my life in the last 4 years she hasn't seen me, whats wrong, what brought me back, I told her the story of my crazy therapist. It was kind of like old times it was nice to have it even though I know it's not like it at all and this was just a one time thing really to help me. She told me she wasn't disappointed in me at all, that she didn't feel like she wasted her time on me and in fact was glad she had helped me as much as she did and that she was happy I came back for help when I needed it.

It was like a weight off my shoulders and my day got much better. She then told me she read the poem I wrote her a week ago, and that she was glad that she had such an impact on me. I thought I'd share it with you guys!


There’s gratitude and there’s thank you
Thank you is holding a door open
Thank you is borrowing a pen
Thank you is ‘Bless You’ after a sneeze
Saying thanks is a fleeting moment in time.

Gratitude is when I told you I was walking in traffic hoping to die
And you said, “What am I supposed to do with that?”
It’s visiting me in the hospital when I was so afraid

Gratitude is when I walked into your office boasting proudly about tearing someone to pieces
And you said, “What right do you have?”
It’s when you taught me I was allowed to have feelings.

Gratitude is when you held my hands as you looked at what I had done to myself
It’s warm mango orange tea and enthusing over the christmas present I made you
It’s the day you referred me to Fulton Friendship and asked me if I heard the christmas
Music too.

Gratitude is when I told you one of my darkest secrets,
and you said, “That’s not you now.”
It was your patience when I was irrationally and obsessively afraid you’d die.

Gratitude is when you said, ‘I feel you need more support than I can give you.’
It’s when I answered, “No. I want to stay with you.”
and you respected that.

Gratitude is when I told you of my transference and you reacted like I wasn’t some freak
It’s being able to be vulnerable with you without fear that you’d hurt me.

Gratitude is the first time we met and you said, “I had a happy childhood, so I don’t understand what it was like for you.”
And I said, “That’s okay because I don’t understand what it was like for you either.”

Gratitude is red walls, vanilla candles, and cows.

Gratitude is everlasting
No matter what happens
Nothing could take away or erase
All that you did for me.

The last 4 lines - thats pretty much what i told my t when we ended. It was abrupt, it wasnt planned, but nothing can change all the good stuff that went before.

Daeva, thank you for sharing that beautiful poem.

I'm really glad also that you were able to share how you are feeling with your former T, and that she is happy that you were able to go to the centre for help when you knew that you needed help. My T has said before that being able to recognise that you need help and to ask for help is a sign of strength and of being (relatively) mentally healthy - as opposed to being in denial about there being any problem, or believing that everyone except for you has a problem.

Thanks guys!

unaluna abrupt goodbyes are the worst with T's -hug-

Satsuma--Thanks! I thought it'd be more difficult but once I was there and she went into her normal therapist mode it was like ok i know this haha. That is true I remember when I was just too stubborn and prideful to ask for help

Actually i kinda felt like a cat trying to sneak out the door at the end, so maybe it was time!

I’m glad to see you back on PC Daeva. I feel like I know you at least a little over the years. It’s great that you recognized that you needed help again. Do you have a new t and is it working by now it okay the program?

At the program you don't see a therapist it's group therapy for 8 hours a day, by group therapy i mean classes teaching on different subjects with discussion. We have a counselor we see once a month which we can talk to if needed but they ae more there for paperwork reasons, and for sitting down and drawing up comps, treatment plans and goals and seeing how far you are to attaining them. Etc.

But yes I'm glad I'm back at the program I'm actually doing super well now, Bill (A counselor there I'm very close to) is keeping me on track and helping me immensely, along with my T, and 2 new staff. I've seem this time to create more healthy bonds than last time. Cause when i was there the first time I was so desperate for a parent figure that I wasn't listening to anything. Not really. It was like my life mission, the only thing that mattered. Finding a replacement dad or mum. So I was all about forming bonds with the staff and getting attached. But a few years have passed and I've outgrown and matured past that.

Yes I still crave people caring but not to the point of destruction or desperation. I don't need the daily affirmations, the 5 hugs a day from one person alone, the constant need to hang around a certain staff member. I can accept they care when they talk to me in class, or when they follow me outside to smoke with me and take there break to ask how I'm doing after they came after me, or when one decided to have lunch with me when I was sitting alone. Or the help they give me in class. Or the help when one grounded me and brought me down from a panic attack. Or the times we laugh and share pictures of our animals.

It's not overpowering anymore. It's more healthy, and because of that I'm listeing more, truly listening, and learning so much more. And I'm at a good point, and Bill goes to me one day "I believe you this time, last time not so much, but you said something to me the other day you said, "I'm ****ing tired of doing this ****, Bill. I'm tired and I'm done. This is it for me you know." When people say that they're serious this time, and you can make it, you can. I know it, you know it. You'll do it too."

That really helped me too. So things are going well

I’m glad to hear it. You’ve been through a lot. How long is the program?

You can be there as long as you think you need it, some people come for 6 months, some have been thee for 4 years.