Weird appointment

Last night I had an appointment with Emdr T. I do nt know what to call and but weird and left me confused on some issues.

She always sits on an exercise ball. Yesterday though when we walked into her office she asked if it would be okay if it would be okay if she sat in a chair instead since the ball was bothering her. I said of course sit wherever you are comfortable. ( really why would I care). A couple minutes later I did notice and comment on it was somewhat weird. For one she was higher up and secondly she seemed a bit more relaxed.

Then we started talking about recent triggers for me as there has been quite a few the last couple of weeks. Things were going fine until we started discussing how negative emotions were handled in my family as a child which led to a couple of flashbacks. I tried so hard to block it and not allow them to upset me. I started to disasociate. It was weird because normally when this happens I can hear things but not respond. This time I couldn't respond verbally but could answer questions by shaking my head. We stood up and did some stretching and talked a bit. However I still felt like I was in a fog. We sat down and continued on. She asked if I wanted to talk about the flashback or the emotions and I shook my head no. The rest of the appointment was a fog. I remember her asking some questions and some of my responses. I told her one of the ways I have been coping the last few weeks is by either texting the text crisis line and writing and saving emails to T. She said something along the lines of I don't want to interfere with the therapy you and T had but if you ever want to print out some of the emails and bring them here we can read through them. I didn't say anything and couldn't respond but now I wonder what the purpose would be.

She then went on about how much progress I am making because I was have a hard time shutting out emotions and that I am in that growing stage which is hard and painful. I told her about the card I found last week from T. She agreed that I will get through this because I am strong. I wanted to say I am not strong at all. I said nothing.

She then noted that it was beyond my appointment time and apologized to me for not stopping earlier because while going late is fine with her she doesn't want me being late for where I go from there. She asked how I was doing and I told her I would be fine. She responded I know you will and said more that I don't remember. She asked if I was safe to drive home or needed to sit longer. Again I said I will be fine. We both got up and said something like I will see you next week and she laughed. Not sure why but I didn't take it as she was laughing at me. I was still in a huge fog.

I drove home in a fog. A couple of times I looked at my speedometer and I was going WAY to fast. I don't remember most if the trip. Part of me knows I need to mention it to Emdr T. However I don't want to get to close or depend on her. This morning when I woke up I still felt like I was in a fog. Typing this feels like in am in a different zone. WTH

I had the not able to speak thing happen to me a lot. I would try to speak but no sound would come out.

Unfortunately, it happens when I disasociate. The first time it happened with T she was totally caught off guard. She became very concerned as it had never happened in our first 8 years of working together. Since Emdr T specializes in trauma and PTSD she understands it better.

Sounds like you're still a bit dissociated? Maybe due to the flashbacks, maybe also due to all the other things going on. Some things about the appointment might not make sense anymore to you now because you were dissociated during most of it. I think it'd be good to mention it to Emdr T. It doesn't mean getting too close, if anything it lets her know that that was maybe a bit too close and you need a bit more space or go slower.

I will definitely consider it.

I hope you're doing better now. I think it is common being first time in therapy with a new therapist.

Dissociation can be such a weird experience, imho. I can relate to not remembering much, and not remembering much on the way home from a T appointment. That's happened way too much for me to be comfortable with it. It sounds like you were really triggered. I do think you should talk to your EMDR T or your regular T about it. They might be able to help you process it. (((hugs))) if you want them.

I ended up texting T and she called me back. She said it sounded like depersaonalization. She gave me ideas on how to ground myself and bring myself back to the present. We will see.

I'm glad she called you back. I understand depersonalization, having experienced it many times.