[chihirochild]

My former psychiatrist used to insist that I look him in they eye in order to encourage attachment.

My current therapist says that my disinclination to look at him when I'm talking is due to 1) the fact that I feel deeply conflicted about my need to feel taken care of 2) my unconscious desire to draw him closer to me by withdrawing from him. (Whenever he brings up that second point it squicks me out--makes me feel like he thinks I'm manipulative.)

My opinion is that I don't want to look either of them in the face while talking because a lot of what we talk about makes me feel ashamed, and looking at them intensifies that shame.

Do your Ts/pdocs have Serious Views on Eye Contact such as these? What say y'all?

[velcro003]

ewww, that's awful. NONE of my T's or psychiatrists have ever made a big deal out of my non-eye contact. They all have mentioned at one point, but just as an observation. That would piss me off if my T made a big deal out of it.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Your current therapist is a patronizing mansplaining idiot. What arrogance, to think he understands your motivations and needs to explain them to you.

I trust that you are a reasonably articulate self-aware person who understands your own reasons for avoiding eye contact.

As to your question, my t hasn't really said much about eye contact one way or the other.

[NP_Complete]

I have spent 99.99% of the time with my therapist avoiding eye contact and I'm very attached to him. I think your pdoc is full of it. Maybe it would be quicker to happen or more intense or something if I looked at him. I avoid it for the same reasons you do. I'm talking about things that I feel ashamed about.

One time he did ask me to look at him so I could see his facial expression so I would believe what he was telling me. He asked "can you look at me". I tried to bring my eyes up to meet his, but I couldn't do it so I said "no". He said "ok" and he's never asked me again. Sometimes I wish he would ask again though, so obviously I have some mixed feelings about this.

[zoiecat]

I am so sorry. I would be really pissed if my therapist said that. I rarely ever look him in the eye he's never said a word about it. On the other hand my Alters usually staring me in the face never look away.

I would definitely tell him how you feel when he says that.

[stopdog]

Neither of the woman said anything about me not looking at them. I would not have obeyed a command to look at them. I only looked directly at the first one when angry at her for messing with me.

[Seelenna1982]

You’re not being manipulative! Talking to a T is really hard for some of us. For me it is. I get extremely uncomfortable at times. Usually times when I can’t even explain what made me feel that way.

I feel very fortunate, my T says to look wherever I want to look. I often get uncomfortable and can’t make eye contact. It really helps knowing that I’m not required to look or be made to do something that makes me feel very uneasy. She offers not to look at me if I’d like but I’d feel too weird requesting her not look at me.

[ElectricManatee]

I've noticed that I tend to look my T in the eye (like in a normal conversational way) when I'm talking about present-day events or people in my life. I tend to look at her feet or the wall off to her left when I'm talking about troublesome stuff from my past or my feelings about her. I definitely think the shame factor is a big part of it.

She has never really mentioned the lack of eye contact, except a couple of times she has asked me to try to look at her when she has been saying something gentle and important that she wants me to be sure I hear. I tend to feel more connected to her when I look at her, but it's a fine line between connected and uncomfortably overwhelmed for me.

I don't think your T really knows what he's talking about, especially if he's trying to tell you what it means rather than asking you about it.

[RaineD]

Yeah, mine cares about eye contact and would mention it. I try very hard to maintain eye contact with him. It's made me better at eye contact with others and therefore perceived as friendlier and more social. God, I love my therapist. What the hell am I going to do without him?

[mugwort2]

I too think your not being manipulative. Your therapist is assuming a hell of a lot. BTW S Some cultures , especially Latino think not looking someone in the eye is a sign of politeness, and respect,

[TrailRunner14]

That’s not ok!

[Stone92]

I've never had my T bring up my lack of eye contact. It's just part of how I communicate. I prefer not to look at people's eyes. I would be pretty insulted if she started coming up with an explanation for it without taking my views into account.

Well. Attachment happens in the mind. Whether we're looking or not.

[MoxieDoxie]

I do not look T in the eye when things feel shaming or I feel desire for him. I look at him when talking if we are talking like to normal human beings having a talk over coffee. Sometimes he will do that after a heavy EMDR session and we have time. Not often. It really grounds me when he does that and then I think I feel like we are on equal levels.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

My T and I just had a conversation about eye contact yesterday! Eye contact seems to be important to my T. He perceives me not looking at him for extended periods of time as me being angry and he sometimes suggests that we practice eye contact or at least talk about why it's not working. To be fair though, I very rarely look at him (as in maybe for a second in 50 minutes, but only sometimes). Have you told your T why you don't look at him? My T assumed it was due to anger, but accepted my different explanation when I gave it.

I also don't look at people much when I'm talking, this includes my T and other people in my life. I berate myself for it. I am able to look at people when they are talking. I too feel that it relates to feelings of shame. No T has ever said anything to me about it, but since starting therapy I'm able to look at people a bit when I talk. I would hate a T to bring it up. For me I don't find it helpful when a T gives me analysis.

[InkyBooky]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I've noticed that I tend to look my T in the eye (like in a normal conversational way) when I'm talking about present-day events or people in my life. I tend to look at her feet or the wall off to her left when I'm talking about troublesome stuff from my past or my feelings about her. I definitely think the shame factor is a big part of it.

She has never really mentioned the lack of eye contact, except a couple of times she has asked me to try to look at her when she has been saying something gentle and important that she wants me to be sure I hear. I tend to feel more connected to her when I look at her, but it's a fine line between connected and uncomfortably overwhelmed for me.

I don't think your T really knows what he's talking about, especially if he's trying to tell you what it means rather than asking you about it.

This is very similar to my experience as well. Personally, I would not be able work well with a therapist who demanded eye contact or who blamed/shamed me for my difficulty with eye contact in therapy. (Although it doesn't sound like your T is demanding eye-contact, maybe just missing the mark on their interpretation of your eye-contact difficulties).

But then again, I'm very sensitive to accusations and I will instantly feel shame. In fact, I'm probably way too quick to take certain comments personally and not recognize that they may be another person's issue and not reflective of me at all.

Ideally, I (or anyone in this situation) would be able to just say...."Sorry. No, your analysis is wrong. It sounds like you're accusing me of "subconscious manipulation" and I don't accept that interpretation."

But in reality I'm not that assertive or self-assured.

[awkwardlyyours]

CH -- your current therapist sounds like a creepy, insecure, not-very-intelligent dude.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I've noticed that I tend to look my T in the eye (like in a normal conversational way) when I'm talking about present-day events or people in my life. I tend to look at her feet or the wall off to her left when I'm talking about troublesome stuff from my past or my feelings about her. I definitely think the shame factor is a big part of it.

She has never really mentioned the lack of eye contact, except a couple of times she has asked me to try to look at her when she has been saying something gentle and important that she wants me to be sure I hear. I tend to feel more connected to her when I look at her, but it's a fine line between connected and uncomfortably overwhelmed for me.

I don't think your T really knows what he's talking about, especially if he's trying to tell you what it means rather than asking you about it.

I do this too. For me, with difficult memory or emotion, I need to think through and process what I am saying without also monitoring her reaction, which is a normal part of face-to-face conversation.

[SalingerEsme]

I have the opposite problem but it also makes me self-conscious . Mine says I am hard to mirror bc I make job interview eye contact and have company manners and dont relax. I am just not comfortable with 75 percent of the topics, and force myself to be as attentive and not dissociative as I can.I just feel watchful and a little hyper vigilante . I can't imagine being as relaxed as he wants me to be.

I agree with others it's not very intelligent to make such a dogmatic assumption. I usually make eye contact with people when I talk to them in person (also did in therapy) and I feel attached to a very few of them. One of my Ts sometimes made ridiculously dogmantic and superficial interpretations and was pushing on me what he was interested in and dismissed my observations. If his interpretation does not click with you, it is probably off or at least not meaningful.

[BudFox]

In my opinion, having sustained direct eye contact in a closed room with someone whose job is to analyze and judge you, and who conceals their own flaws and feelings, is completely abnormal. I've also found that most therapists sit physically higher, and use other subtle tactics to make you feel inferior.

Feeling discomfort in that situation is natural, but seems most therapists are convinced everything is a sign of client pathology, and are blind to their own distorted perceptions. I think you gotta apply critical thinking and deconstruct therapist psychobabble and bullsh*t.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by BudFox

In my opinion, having sustained direct eye contact in a closed room with someone whose job is to analyze and judge you, and who conceals their own flaws and feelings, is completely abnormal. I've also found that most therapists sit physically higher, and use other subtle tactics to make you feel inferior.

this is one reason why i requested to start having most of my sessions sitting on the floor with my ex-T sitting on the floor across from me. it felt safer because it put us both on equal 'sitting' ground.

[zapatoes]

I can look people in the eye usually and sometimes don’t feel comfortable since I’m sometimes shy or just uncomfortable. Sometimes I’m not comfortable when knowing to look away so it’s my nonverbal learning disorder and almost autism like persona.

[winterblues17]

We've not really discussed it. I think generally I'm ok with eye contact although I am aware that if we enter a topic where I feel vulnerable or emotional I do tend to look away a lot more, but when I do look back up and we lock eyes again it actually feels really good, I feel a sense of care and closeness that's hard to describe in those intense moments which without the eye contact I don't think I would feel.