[Soybeans]

I don't want to list my specific memory loss (paranoid sorry!), but let's say hypothetically a kid that's 8 years old is in a car accident and loses one parent, and the other ends up in a coma in the hospital for 2 years and the kid lives with a foster family until parent recovers. But when the surviving parent goes to pick up and see their 10 year old kid for the first time in 2 years, the kid has NO memory of the parent, doesn't recognize the parent, parent is a complete and total stranger, AND the kid doesn't remember anything about life leading up to the accident with no childhood memories of anything before being placed in the foster family, the accident itself, and the things that happened 1-2 weeks after the accident.

How big of a deal is that memory loss? My T insists that even though the kid in this scenario doesn't consciously remember anything, the trauma would still be affecting them (eg fear of cars, fear of other people sleeping too long, fear of abandonment) that otherwise can't seem to be explained by any other life circumstances. I just don't understand, how does this happen, can you regain these memories, and how much trauma does it take for the brain to like erase a whole part of a kid's life?

[Skeezyks]

I don't know if this will be of any help however here's a link to a brief article, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of dissociative amnesia which is, apparently, the currently accepted terminology for psychogenic amnesia. The article provides a link to another more detailed article (off of the PsychCentral website) on the subject:

Dissociative Amnesia | Encyclopedia of Psychology

[Amyjay]

That's a pretty big deal. An 8 year old has formed their personality on all the experiences they had from birth to age 8. Everything experienced up until then has become a part of their being. Some of this is unconscious development (birth to age 3, and then some of 3 to age 6) but conscious development begins to occur from age 3 onwards (part of conscious development is awareness of self in relation to the external social world, including memories.)
Trauma obviously plays a huge part in this scenario. Memories prior to the accident were most likely consciously avoided because the emotional trauma was too overwhelming. Maybe it is even possible that a "new self" who had no connection to the old self was created, so that old memories didn't intrude upon new self and new self could continue on (mostly) trauma free.
But yes, I think its a huge deal. I think the trauma memories are buried in there somewhere and will come out when it is safe for them to do so. I also think its important that they do, because one would not be living a whole life without them.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

That's a pretty big deal. An 8 year old has formed their personality on all the experiences they had from birth to age 8. Everything experienced up until then has become a part of their being. Some of this is unconscious development (birth to age 3, and then some of 3 to age 6) but conscious development begins to occur from age 3 onwards (part of conscious development is awareness of self in relation to the external social world, including memories.)
Trauma obviously plays a huge part in this scenario. Memories prior to the accident were most likely consciously avoided because the emotional trauma was too overwhelming. Maybe it is even possible that a "new self" who had no connection to the old self was created, so that old memories didn't intrude upon new self and new self could continue on (mostly) trauma free.
But yes, I think its a huge deal. I think the trauma memories are buried in there somewhere and will come out when it is safe for them to do so. I also think its important that they do, because one would not be living a whole life without them.

Thank you for the reply. The ‘new’ self vs ‘old’ self makes a lot of sense to me. God the brain is so complicated.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Soybeans

Thank you for the reply. The ‘new’ self vs ‘old’ self makes a lot of sense to me. God the brain is so complicated.

Also, the scenario you mentioned is a massive, massive trauma for an 8 year old to go through (for an any-year-old to go through). That child's entire world - every single thing he or she knows and understands and experiences about life - was taken away in the blink of an eye. No eight year old has the inner resources to cope with that kind of tragedy.

That poor child. Seriously... that poor kid. That trauma would have affected every single aspect of life that came after. Relationships, trust, dealing with emotions, sense of safety, PTSD, alienation from self and more. The loss would have been intense. Loss of others, loss of self, loss of life as it was known. That poor, poor kid.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Soybeans

let's say hypothetically a kid that's 8 years old is in a car accident and loses one parent, and the other ends up in a coma in the hospital for 2 years and the kid lives with a foster family until parent recovers. But when the surviving parent goes to pick up and see their 10 year old kid for the first time in 2 years, the kid has NO memory of the parent, doesn't recognize the parent, parent is a complete and total stranger, AND the kid doesn't remember anything about life leading up to the accident with no childhood memories of anything before being placed in the foster family, the accident itself, and the things that happened 1-2 weeks after the accident.

I think there's a lot of nuance in these kinds of situations, including that it seems unlikely that memory loss of this kind in a child this age would be only caused by the psychological trauma of losing his/her parents (and, perhaps, witnessing the parents' terrible injuries if the child was in the car. If the child was in the car and had some head trauma, it may be that the head trauma caused the amnesia. Long term memory isn't usually affected in this kind of complete way by psychological trauma, so it would be a very unique situation if this was the result and the child wasn't in the car and/or injured.

The other thing that strikes me is that foster care in these kinds of situations would have counselors working with this child, getting some of their things from their house, using pictures to talk about the child's parents, visiting with the parents, etc. But that is in this day and age and in communities with the proper resources. So part of the problem for a child in this scenario is the response from others in the face of the loss of the parents; if just ignored and "call us mommy and daddy" is all that was done, it would be adaptive and smart for a child to do exactly that. So if the adults around are pretending, the child is going to pretend (and have memory loss).

I think there is something in the literature on childhood trauma that suggests it is not just the trauma itself but how the world around the child reacts to it that either facilitates healing or makes it worse for the child (or perhaps both in different kinds of ways). I know that was true for me, when I *thought* I told other people and they just blew me off, the despair of not being believed or helped was pretty terrible. Looking back I think that I was not terribly clear or I more wished that I had told others, but it may also be true that people were not able to hear me, not because of anything wrong with me but because of the time and the situation.

It's an interesting question, how big a deal is ___ ? I don't know if what I've written is necessarily responsive to that per se. To me the more important piece is how did this thing, no matter what its size, have an impact?

[seeker33]

I absolutely agree with Amyjay. She said it all, is only have to repeat. Trauma of this degree would be absolutely horrific and it would have an immensely huge impact on the child.
This child definitely deserves to get all the help and support it needs! Please be kind and compassionate to this innocent and deeply hurt child.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think there's a lot of nuance in these kinds of situations, including that it seems unlikely that memory loss of this kind in a child this age would be only caused by the psychological trauma of losing his/her parents (and, perhaps, witnessing the parents' terrible injuries if the child was in the car. If the child was in the car and had some head trauma, it may be that the head trauma caused the amnesia. Long term memory isn't usually affected in this kind of complete way by psychological trauma, so it would be a very unique situation if this was the result and the child wasn't in the car and/or injured.

The other thing that strikes me is that foster care in these kinds of situations would have counselors working with this child, getting some of their things from their house, using pictures to talk about the child's parents, visiting with the parents, etc. But that is in this day and age and in communities with the proper resources. So part of the problem for a child in this scenario is the response from others in the face of the loss of the parents; if just ignored and "call us mommy and daddy" is all that was done, it would be adaptive and smart for a child to do exactly that. So if the adults around are pretending, the child is going to pretend (and have memory loss).

I think there is something in the literature on childhood trauma that suggests it is not just the trauma itself but how the world around the child reacts to it that either facilitates healing or makes it worse for the child (or perhaps both in different kinds of ways). I know that was true for me, when I *thought* I told other people and they just blew me off, the despair of not being believed or helped was pretty terrible. Looking back I think that I was not terribly clear or I more wished that I had told others, but it may also be true that people were not able to hear me, not because of anything wrong with me but because of the time and the situation.

It's an interesting question, how big a deal is ___ ? I don't know if what I've written is necessarily responsive to that per se. To me the more important piece is how did this thing, no matter what its size, have an impact?

Sorry to add to this hypothetical situation, the child was not in the car or injured, but received zero counselling and the foster family was abusive and there were zero pictures or mentions of the surviving parent.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Also, the scenario you mentioned is a massive, massive trauma for an 8 year old to go through (for an any-year-old to go through). That child's entire world - every single thing he or she knows and understands and experiences about life - was taken away in the blink of an eye. No eight year old has the inner resources to cope with that kind of tragedy.

That poor child. Seriously... that poor kid. That trauma would have affected every single aspect of life that came after. Relationships, trust, dealing with emotions, sense of safety, PTSD, alienation from self and more. The loss would have been intense. Loss of others, loss of self, loss of life as it was known. That poor, poor kid.

What if this child minimizes by thinking that lots of people lose their parents or their parents divorce and lots of kids are in less than ideal foster families and the kid got clothes and fed and so they kid shouldn’t complain or feel bad?

[Soybeans]

Sorry, I'm just going to go for it and add more relevant details I'll take down the post after if anyone finds me. This hypothetical a kid was 7 years old, car accident kills one parent, the other was not in the car or injured. Surviving parent drops kid off at a foster family in another country with a different language with no indication that the parent is coming back and the foster family was abusive and kid witnessed physical and verbal abuse of other kids as well. 2 years pass with zero contact from surviving parent except a birthday card. Surviving parent goes to pick up and see their 9 year old kid for the first time in 2 years, the kid has NO memory of the parent, doesn't recognize the parent, parent is a complete and total stranger, AND the kid doesn't remember anything concrete about life leading up to the accident with no childhood memories of anything before being placed in the foster family, just very vague details like the kid obviously lived with their parents but has no recollection of what that looks like or feels. The kid also doesn't remember the first country's language either. Surviving parent is not particularly excited to be reunited with the kid, and is very emotionally neglectful.

I just have such a hard time putting this kid and the actual me together. On paper it sounds not great, but I mean the kid ended up being a functional adult with a career and is married so this shouldn't be such a big deal right?? All the other mental health problems I ended up with like anorexia and depression and stuff is really my own fault for not coping with healthier methods right??

Until we've done the healing required. These things do feel confusing.
I was abandoned at birth. Adopted by a narcissis.
Gang raped. Went through an explosion in my home.
And when I entered treatment. I asked to speak with the counsellor because I didn't feel my problems were problems compared to..... And that I was wasting their time.
Is not like that for me now.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Soybeans

Sorry, I'm just going to go for it and add more relevant details I'll take down the post after if anyone finds me. This hypothetical a kid was 7 years old, car accident kills one parent, the other was not in the car or injured. Surviving parent drops kid off at a foster family in another country with a different language with no indication that the parent is coming back and the foster family was abusive and kid witnessed physical and verbal abuse of other kids as well. 2 years pass with zero contact from surviving parent except a birthday card. Surviving parent goes to pick up and see their 9 year old kid for the first time in 2 years, the kid has NO memory of the parent, doesn't recognize the parent, parent is a complete and total stranger, AND the kid doesn't remember anything concrete about life leading up to the accident with no childhood memories of anything before being placed in the foster family, just very vague details like the kid obviously lived with their parents but has no recollection of what that looks like or feels. The kid also doesn't remember the first country's language either. Surviving parent is not particularly excited to be reunited with the kid, and is very emotionally neglectful.

I just have such a hard time putting this kid and the actual me together. On paper it sounds not great, but I mean the kid ended up being a functional adult with a career and is married so this shouldn't be such a big deal right?? All the other mental health problems I ended up with like anorexia and depression and stuff is really my own fault for not coping with healthier methods right??

Oh Soybeans. Human beings are so amazing. So resilient. The will to develop and grow and adapt to life is nothing less than astounding. What the child-you did to adapt to the sudden, overwhelming and incredibly traumatic change in your life circumstances was both brilliant and mundane, soul-destroying (the loss of the previous self) and functional (the creation of a "new" self to continue growth and development). In terms of human psychology it was even predictable.
That child had two options: be completely overwhelmed with grief for family and self, or "get on with it". To be overwhelmed with grief would have meant the child could not adapt to the new circumstance, could not continue on with learning and development. To continue on with learning and development would require the suppression of all grief. The way to suppress all grief is to not have anything that was lost (denial and dissociation of all that came before).

Obviously the "best" option was to continue on with learning and development, "unaffected" by anything that came before.

That in no way means that what happened before was of no consequence. What happened before mattered to the degree of everything. What happened before was everything. It just had to be forgotten so you could continue on.

The human adaptive response to such overwhelming trauma at such a young age is dissociation.
What you describe - your complete forgetting of the trauma - points to you using that very "normal" adaptive response.

Edited to add - the anorexia and depression is also an expected by-product of unresolved trauma. Not because you weren't "better" at coping, not because you were at fault in any way.