[Two2]

I had my first appointment with a therapist today. I like him a lot and feel comfortable. I probably told him way more than I thought I ever could. I suppose this is a good thing because I'd rather get into the serious issues and start making improvements.

I revealed to him that I nearly cheated on my husband and that the possibility still exists and that I don't feel loved by him. We dove into it a bit and he started saying that I'm young and pretty and I probably don't want to miss out on what's out there and there's nothing wrong with that (in a way, i think, trying to make me feel less guilty for it because i kept saying what a horrible person I am for even considering it).

Was any of this inappropriate?

[Two2]

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[DP_2017]

In the context, I'd say no. Sounds like he was trying to boost your confidence and understand you better... just a first appointment, see what he is like next week, if you get a "Creepy" vibe from him or not

[Salmon77]

By itself "pretty" isn't terrible, if you felt okay about things in general. But I don't think a T should be judging your personal appearance that way and if he says things like that a lot it could be inappropriate.

[Two2]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

In the context, I'd say no. Sounds like he was trying to boost your confidence and understand you better... just a first appointment, see what he is like next week, if you get a "Creepy" vibe from him or not

Thanks, yeah, I didn't get a creepy vibe at all and I assume his comment was harmless. I just wanted to get another person's perspective. Thank you!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

I don't think anything that he said was inappropriate.

However, I find it a little bothersome that he started with potential motivations (possibly in an attempt to make you feel better) rather than give you some time and space to think and talk through your own potential motivations and needs, which may have nothing to do with your age or looks or what's out there.

[Two2]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

I don't think anything that he said was inappropriate.

However, I find it a little bothersome that he started with potential motivations (possibly in an attempt to make you feel better) rather than give you some time and space to think and talk through your own potential motivations and needs, which may have nothing to do with your age or looks or what's out there.

Good point. Other than me saying that I felt unloved by my husband and lacking "something" we didn't go very deep into what i felt were my reasons. But it was probably an attempt to help me feel comfortable and understood by a new therapist rather than feel on the hot seat.

[SlumberKitty]

No, I don't think it's inappropriate either. I'd wait and see how the next couple of sessions go. If he says it every time then I'd start having a problem with it.

This doesn't seem to be a popular opinion, but I think your therapist has been inappropriate with you. Men do not have the right or authority to be commenting on and evaluating women's appearance. Your therapist indulging in such judgments in the therapy room marginalises your experience by belittling your emotional and psychological life and prioritising your superficial appearance. I would be very bothered by his comments. A feminist therapist is very important to me.

[Ididitmyway]

Yes, it was inappropriate and plain unprofessional. He assumed that he knew your motivations based on the fact that you are "young" and "pretty". It's not his place and his job as a therapist to either "read" your motives or to make you feel better or to comment on your appearance for that matter. It's his job to help you to understand what motivates you to do what you do in life and to see the potential consequences so you would be able to make conscious choices.

[LabRat27]

Did you feel like it was said in a way where you would be expected to say "thank you" and/ or did it feel like he was expressing his personal preferences/feelings, or did it seem more like an observation? Like was it about him or about you? For me that's what makes the difference.

My therapist has stated matter-of-factly that I'm "very attractive" in the context pointing out that "you have a lot of things going for you" and he said other things first, like academic achievements. It didn't feel inappropriate because he wasn't saying it as a personal compliment that I was supposed to respond to. If he'd said "[academic achievements] and I think you're very attractive" that would have made uncomfortable because the focus of that would have been on telling me that he personally finds me attractive.
Of course, if he went out of his way to call me attractive on a regular basis that would feel inappropriate.

[Two2]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Yes, it was inappropriate and plain unprofessional. He assumed that he knew your motivations based on the fact that you are "young" and "pretty". It's not his place and his job as a therapist to either "read" your motives or to make you feel better or to comment on your appearance for that matter. It's his job to help you to understand what motivates you to do what you do in life and to see the potential consequences so you would be able to make conscious choices.

I think he plans to get into all the motivating factors from my perspective. I do think it was just to help me feel more comfortable in the first appointment. I just wanted someone else's opinion. Thank you!

[Two2]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Did you feel like it was said in a way where you would be expected to say "thank you" and/ or did it feel like he was expressing his personal preferences/feelings, or did it seem more like an observation? Like was it about him or about you? For me that's what makes the difference.

My therapist has stated matter-of-factly that I'm "very attractive" in the context pointing out that "you have a lot of things going for you" and he said other things first, like academic achievements. It didn't feel inappropriate because he wasn't saying it as a personal compliment that I was supposed to respond to. If he'd said "[academic achievements] and I think you're very attractive" that would have made uncomfortable because the focus of that would have been on telling me that he personally finds me attractive.
Of course, if he went out of his way to call me attractive on a regular basis that would feel inappropriate.

It didn't seem personally directed to me or where I would be expected to respond back or thank him. I do think it was completely innocent. I guess time will tell. This is such a minor thing I was just curious what others thought. I never had a male therapist before.

[lucozader]

I don't think a therapist should ever comment on their client's perceived attractiveness. Especially as a woman, I'd like there to be one f***ing place in the world where I'm not judged in that way.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I don't think a therapist should ever comment on their client's perceived attractiveness. Especially as a woman, I'd like there to be one f***ing place in the world where I'm not judged in that way.

Couldn't have said it better.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Two2

I think he plans to get into all the motivating factors from my perspective. I do think it was just to help me feel more comfortable in the first appointment. I just wanted someone else's opinion. Thank you!

Yeah. Here's the thing. I think this is raising some tiny hair on the back of your neck or you wouldn't have posted this question.

Why is he rushing to make you feel more comfortable? If you are having uncomfortable feelings about your marriage or your attraction to other people, you really need to feel those feelings. He is doing you a great disservice by explaining away your discomfort.

Your prettiness or lack thereof is completely irrelevant here. Of course you're lovely, but if you were older or less pretty, would your attraction to people other than your spouse be somehow less human or less understandable?

It sounds as though you like him and your basic feeling about him is a good one. Perhaps he's a good therapist who had an off moment, they all do occasionally. But let's be clear, it was an off moment. Time will tell if he's a good therapist. But that comment is in no way an example of great therapy. In my opinion.

[Two2]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Yeah. Here's the thing. I think this is raising some tiny hair on the back of your neck or you wouldn't have posted this question.

Why is he rushing to make you feel more comfortable? If you are having uncomfortable feelings about your marriage or your attraction to other people, you really need to feel those feelings. He is doing you a great disservice by explaining away your discomfort.

Your prettiness or lack thereof is completely irrelevant here. Of course you're lovely, but if you were older or less pretty, would your attraction to people other than your spouse be somehow less human or less understandable?

It sounds as though you like him and your basic feeling about him is a good one. Perhaps he's a good therapist who had an off moment, they all do occasionally. But let's be clear, it was an off moment. Time will tell if he's a good therapist. But that comment is in no way an example of great therapy. In my opinion.

thank you for your comments. I'm fairly new to therapy and don't know what to expect. Well, my last therapist was awful and I'm sure she doesn't represent what good therapy is. If I have any more concerns I'm sure I'll be back here asking questions. Thank you!