[coolibrarian]

So these are just some ramblings, things I have on my mind after my session yesterday.

While I felt ok during, afterward I became scared again.

We talked about softening of T's boundaries, and T attributed that to the fact that I have “grown up,” and that neither one of us is the person we used to be. I felt happy when T acknowledged my adulthood, and I even smiled, but after the session I got scared that this might/would mean that our connection/my attachment would/might have to decrease. After all, if I am an adult, I should be able to parent Little Cool myself, and not depend so much on T. Is this what T meant?

We will continue to talk about boundaries, awkwardness, and I will let her know when/if she’s said too much or not enough, particularly as it concerns her health/treatment/prognosis. Yesterday I shared some fantasies of her dealing with side effects to the clinical trial medication; I said I wanted to know, and didn’t want to know. I said that some of the side effects are also things I experience because of my chronic illnesses, and, like with losing our parents (I was first.), “now you/T knows.”

We talked about how the Boston hospital had not gotten back to her to give her info about the clinical trial and whether they’d accepted her. If they don’t, she faces big surgery, and this will mean that she’ll be out of the office for a while. She told me that she gave a client, who is out of the country, a session via Face Time. I found out later that I couldn’t do this, because I have neither Apple nor i-Product. We’d have to use Skype, I think. Or, we could do a session on the phone, although that has problems associated with it, too. I repeated that we are old school and like to meet face to face.

Right now I feel very anxious and afraid. The surgery would be extensive, quite possibly with a long recuperation. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I can think about.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

So these are just some ramblings, things I have on my mind after my session yesterday.

While I felt ok during, afterward I became scared again.

We talked about softening of T's boundaries, and T attributed that to the fact that I have “grown up,” and that neither one of us is the person we used to be. I felt happy when T acknowledged my adulthood, and I even smiled, but after the session I got scared that this might/would mean that our connection/my attachment would/might have to decrease. After all, if I am an adult, I should be able to parent Little Cool myself, and not depend so much on T. Is this what T meant?

We will continue to talk about boundaries, awkwardness, and I will let her know when/if she’s said too much or not enough, particularly as it concerns her health/treatment/prognosis. Yesterday I shared some fantasies of her dealing with side effects to the clinical trial medication; I said I wanted to know, and didn’t want to know. I said that some of the side effects are also things I experience because of my chronic illnesses, and, like with losing our parents (I was first.), “now you/T knows.”

We talked about how the Boston hospital had not gotten back to her to give her info about the clinical trial and whether they’d accepted her. If they don’t, she faces big surgery, and this will mean that she’ll be out of the office for a while. She told me that she gave a client, who is out of the country, a session via Face Time. I found out later that I couldn’t do this, because I have neither Apple nor i-Product. We’d have to use Skype, I think. Or, we could do a session on the phone, although that has problems associated with it, too. I repeated that we are old school and like to meet face to face.

Right now I feel very anxious and afraid. The surgery would be extensive, quite possibly with a long recuperation. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I can think about.

I can definitely understand being anxious and afraid. That's a difficult situation to be in, both for your T and for you. Big surgery is something that is pretty life changing, and it might be a big change in the way your therapy is able to work for a while. I can understand it being all you can think about, but try to not get stuck in rumination. Right now you don't know if she is going to get into the clinical trial, or have to go through the surgery. So right now there's not a sure reason to worry about the surgery because it's not for sure that she's going to go through it. But I can understand being worried, because I worry about stuff like that too. I don't know if I'm being helpful here. I just want to give you some support. ((((hugs))))