[justbreathe1994]

I am struggling with the most intense and vivid memories of moments I really connected with T. It was honestly a connection that was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and while I was certainly more emotionally invested, I have to beleive it was somewhat mutual. I don’t know how to move on from it, when nothing else can even compare. I keep trying to find words to describe the connection, so I can have something tangible to think about or work through, but I really can’t think of any. I just think it was her, her personality, her feelings, everything about her caused me to feel what I felt. Is it a bad idea to hold onto hope that someday she would be willing to talk to me again?

[SalingerEsme]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I would be too. I don't think those feelings of connection though are exactly mutual the way the are irl. The longing you feel is information about what you want and need, but I don't think she will talk to you again in that connected way. You showed your capacity for connection though, and for sure you can feel it again with another T.

[Echos Myron redux]

I think it's important to hold in mind that the intensity of those feelings is magnified by the nature of the relationship. Yes the person of the therapist is a part of it, but it is the relationship that creates the intensity of connection (and it is unlike anything else I have ever experienced too).

When I left T1 I fully believed the connection was the result of me and T1 connecting on a deep level that could never happen again. But I am 4 years down the line, and not only do I feel that T1 couldn't offer me that connection again if he tried, but I have experienced equally, in fact more intense connection with my current therapist. I now know that yes, the connection is between the two people in the room, but its intensity, and the way it makes me feel is the nature of therapy, nothing to do with either of the therapists as people.

So I don't think seeking that connection from your old T will ever give you the outcome you want. She is no longer your therapist so the relationship and the connection could never be the same. It's a process of grieving you are going through and it's painful (believe me I know) but it is possible to move forward from this heartbreak. But you can't move forward by looking backwards to get those needs met.

[LonesomeTonight]

Like Echos, with my former marriage counselor, I thought there was this intense connection that I could never have again with anyone else, that he understood me on a level that no one else ever has or ever could. Yet I was still able to develop a strong connection to my current individual T--it's different than it was with ex-MC, but definitely a connection (I had some connection to my ex-T, but not on the same level as ex-MC or current T, even though I saw her for 6 years). It's now been about 6 months since we terminated with ex-MC, and I suspect if I saw him now, like ran into him, or even if we had another session, the connection wouldn't be the same because of a rupture we had. Really, the connection had ceased to be the same in the months since that rupture (happened in December), and that was part of what made me realize we had to terminate--I'd lost trust in him and didn't feel the same way when I looked in his eyes. So I imagine it would feel different with your former T because of what happened in the end.

I think there are a few things behind why we can feel so connected to our T's. For one, we probably are sharing things with them that we've told no one else (or very few other people). So that can bring about a connection. There's the fact that in the therapy session, the T is solely focused on the client for 45-60 minutes. It's different from, say, meeting a friend for lunch, because then the friend is also focused on eating, may looking at her phone, and is also talking about her issues and things going on with her. With the T, it's all about you, so it makes you feel special (I'm using "you" in the general sense here, not just talking about OP).

Also, T's are generally caring people, or they wouldn't have chosen that profession (ideally!), so they're probably better at expressing the caring. They also learn techniques in their training that help them connect with the client (ex-MC has talked about this), like body language (how to sit to seem engaged, mirroring, etc.), eye contact, certain tones of voice, etc. That's not to say it's all an act--as ex-MC put it once when I asked, those techniques can be learned by most anyone, but the caring behind them is real. But it also means that a trained therapist might seem more engaged than a family member or friend who is talking with you because they know those techniques.

All that being said, I think there's also something to just having another connection with another human being. There probably was something real in your connection with your T--maybe your personalities just meshed well. For example, current T and I have similar senses of humor (more dark humor), so we can joke about things in a certain way in session, which makes me feel connected. With another T, that element might not happen, but there could be connection in other ways. So, there probably was some genuine connection with your T beyond just generic therapist and client. And she likely was invested in you as her client--for example, my T has said outright that he's invested in my well-being. She most likely still cares about you, too--both ex-MC and current T say they still care about former clients, just don't think about them as much as current ones.

However, as others have said, what happened probably changed that in some way, likely from both sides. I imagine you'd feel different if you saw her now, too, even if you were able to talk to her or have another session. (That, of course, happens in outside relationships too if you have a major conflict, it's not just a therapy thing.) Are you trying to find a new therapist? I think it could help to process some of this with someone else (that doesn't work in the same office).

I'm really sorry, justbreathe.

I just joined the forum and recently went through a painful termination with my therapist too.

If this helps - I had really complicated dynamics in my therapy relationship too. Long story short, I brought in a lot of my own issues which seemed to overwhelm and confuse my therapist. She was overly-reactive and seemingly inept at working through transference. Our arguments often went in circles, with me being the one who held most of the hurt. Though she didn't terminate with me, there was a point in which my trust in her was compromised and our sessions weren't workable or helpful during the times I needed someone the most. I did love her very much and was quite attached, which dragged out what should have been termination for years.

I finally left therapy after getting fed up with feeling like a prisoner in a distrusting though very dependent relationship. Half of me left kicking and screaming to stay and the other half was dying to get out. I'm still trying to sort out the details of what happened.

What is clear is that your therapist broke your trust by terminating you suddenly. When I returned to therapy after a major rupture (I believe it was at least partially her fault), I was never able to get the perfect-feeling connection you're talking about back. In fact, I spent years denying my hurt feelings and trying to force myself to feel the way I felt about her in the beginning. If I could go back, I would have terminated much earlier and avoided trying to do therapy on a shaky foundation. I'm just guessing, but even if your therapist took you back, I suspect you wouldn't fully be able to trust her again. In my opinion trust is the most important part of therapy and if you don't have it, you'd be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I've also realized that therapy, by nature, encourages intense connection. Therapists are training in technique and body language to evoke these type of responses from clients. I don't think my love for my therapist was ever mutual... a fact that haunts me still. It was only after some distance that I was able to understand what happened to me and mourn both the loss of my therapist and the mutual connection that never was.

The therapy magic and luster for me is now gone. I am consoling myself with the idea that what I felt for my therapist in the beginning originated from inside me (not her) and that it will appear again to me in some other form someday.

Wishing you healing and hugs (if you want them).

[Rive.]

It's painful because it only just happened and you may need to grieve the loss of the relationship.

As for holding on to hope re this T... There is no right or wrong but in time, you may find another T with whom you can build a connection and work better with.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I thought I had the best T when I was with ex-T. I was super attached. When I first found new T, my plan was to use her as like a stepping stone to get back to ex-T. I did not want to nor plan to get attached to her. But I did. It took a little longer, but I have an even better relationship with current T.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I am struggling with the most intense and vivid memories of moments I really connected with T. It was honestly a connection that was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and while I was certainly more emotionally invested, I have to beleive it was somewhat mutual. I don’t know how to move on from it, when nothing else can even compare. I keep trying to find words to describe the connection, so I can have something tangible to think about or work through, but I really can’t think of any. I just think it was her, her personality, her feelings, everything about her caused me to feel what I felt. Is it a bad idea to hold onto hope that someday she would be willing to talk to me again?

I know how you feel. I feel that my former T was the best T for me and that others might be helpful but no one can help me like she could etc etc. What I learned was that I was able to connect to someone in a very meaningful way and I believe I am able to have that connection with someone else, it just may take a lot of time. I think the same for you too. I don't know if your T will ever be willing to talk to you again. I think it is best to look forward to other relationships and other ways of connecting to people that are going to be there for you in a steady way. I don't want to tell you to give up hope, I just don't want you to hold onto false hope and get hurt. (((hugs)))

I had a therapist who dumped me out of nowhere one night. No warning. I had been an ideal client. I still have no idea what I did wrong. I was heartbroken for years before I started to get over it, because I couldnt imagine having such a deep connection with anyone else.
Then I met new T. She is so much better than the one who dumped me. The connection is so much better, so much stronger, and this T is so much better for me in so many ways. It still took about 8 years to get over what my ex therapist did, but now I am glad she did it because I would have never met this new T.
just something to keep in mind perhaps.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

... but now I am glad she did it because I would have never met this new T.
just something to keep in mind perhaps.

I try to remind myself this too. If ex-T didn't terminate with me, I would have never found current T. I'd much rather current T than ex-T even if ex-T didn't abandon me. My relationship with current T is so much more stable, safe, and strong.

You can and will find someone else, but you have to try.