How Did You Know?

How did you know you and your T were going to be a good fit? Did you feel comfortable with them right away, or did it take you some time (after the initial “intake” session) for you to decide? When I first started seeing ex T, I knew she was going to be good in some ways (insightful, challenging, etc), but I also found her intimidating and a little cold at first and didn’t know if we’d be a good fit for that reason. Everyone I talked to who worked in the clinic encouraged me to stick it out for a little while - Two of the staff people said that they’d actually love to have (ex T) as their therapist. So I gave her a chance and then one day, I shared something very vulnerable and we both cried. I felt very emotionally attached to her from then on.

As I meet with the new Ts, there is one in particular I think I really like. I tend to get a feeling though right away if I don’t like them/their therapeutic style and I’m wondering if I should listen to that feeling or not because I don’t want to decide too quickly.

I just sort of know during the first meeting. After my first therapist dumped me, I tried out nine new therapists. I could just tell none of them were right. Then the last one, something felt right about it. I was comfortable around her, yet I could tell she would challenge me. We had a good rapport. So I just knew,

I have a weird story for this. I am very slow to trust people and not good at reading people really.... anyway, so short answer is, before I even met him.

Long answer is..... so...I have issues with getting lost, it causes me massive anxiety. I went out to my first session and didn't have a GPS or anything, was just going by directions I had written down from T over the phone. Anyway, I ended up missing a turn and getting very lost. I called him in a panic and burst into tears on the phone. I had no idea how to get to him and I felt so ridiculous for acting this way.

Typically I don't cry, like ever, but something in his voice, set it off. Usually my family gets angry and hangs up on me, so I never call for help with this anymore. Anyway, he was calm and so so kind. He spoke with such compassion and I was completly shocked. I opted out of intense stress, to not go that, day, he didn't charge me. I went later that week. Or first session, ended up having some laughs and we talked about what happened in a not a big deal way. He normalized it. He showed me right away, that he was worth sticking around with. Something in me, just told me this was the right match for me.

Now, all this time later, we both joke and laugh about that event often. Especially because I struggle to cry in person but had no trouble doing it before I ever met him.

i had a good feeling after the first session. she said some stuff that indicated she knew where i was at, despite meeting me, and she used humor which i really appreciated. 3 years later, we are going strong.

With my current T, I wasn't entirely sure after the first session. But during that and the next session, he shared some really good insights about me. And I was impressed that he could figure those out with only having spent 1.5 hours with me (initial intake was 90 minutes). When ex-T had taken much longer. So that made me opt to stick with him. (Even though I thought he was rather arrogant.)

I have only had my first session with this new therapist, but I felt immediately very comfortable in a way I didn't with the previous one, and was rambling from the start. I didn't feel like I needed to be too careful with what I said, like I was being judged or anything. She said something about emotions in her culture (she is from South America) and how negative emotions are viewed, and I appreciated that she was able to talk about emotions from that perspective, and not just in a pathological sense related to the patient or something. So I guess I can just tell I might match well with her. I already look forward to going back. I think she will be a great fit, but could be wrong. Time will tell.

I knew during our first session.

I used to always stick around for 3-4 session even though there wasn't chemistry immediately. But what I learned was that if there wasn't chemistry during the first session, chemistry would never develop later on.

I knew when I saw her psychology today page. Everything she wrote fit exactly what I needed. And when I saw her picture, I just felt like I was going to get to know this person. Even though I had a positive gut reaction, our relationship was really rough at the start. I actually told her I was T searching, and she gave me advice on what to look for! We finally learned that our relationship needs to just be us. My ex-T putting current T in the middle, made current T feel like the bad guy. And when my husband came in, and she couldn't focus solely on me, that lead to me having a breakdown. So it's just us and no one else.

Now, things are great. I'm glad I found her. In a weird way, if ex-T never left me, I probably would have never found current T, so for that I'm grateful. But I seriously don't think I could have survived ex-T's abandonment if I didn't find current T. She has helped me so much with the loss.

I have been working with her for two years and I still haven't established whether we are a good fit.

Unfortunately I don’t think one knows how good of a fit someone is until they start seeing positive results in their life.

I’ve seen a few therapists, with the most recent one being someone I had a really good connection with and cared a lot about. There was just something about her and her style that became too much, and I deteriorated. It wasn’t until things started unwinding and I saw her ineptitude mending ruptures that knew I made the wrong choice in therapists.

I think sometimes we are drawn to what feels good instead of what we really need. The tricky part is that our core issues can lead us to the wrong people. Only through trial and error are we able to ID what we really need in a deep healing sense vs want and picking someone that will continue a pattern of hurt and disappointment.

A few months in. I thought there was promise there, but I wasn't totally sure. We wouldn't have gotten to this point if it hadn't seemed to be working though.

It was when we had "the transference talk," which included me bringing up the importance of boundaries for me and the lack of boundaries of past therapists and my mother, and he said "kids need boundaries to feel safe" and told me that I didn't "make" past therapists cross boundaries, they were supposed to be responsible for them. And he told me that it was his responsibility to maintain the boundaries, not mine.
I could tell that he understood it and took it seriously. And I believed him when he said it.

Later during and after the termination and rupture thing, that was a large part of why I was so devastated and couldn't imagine working with anyone else. He's the first and only therapist I've worked with who's understood this and whom I trust to not break that trust (if that makes sense).

When we started working together again he admitted that he wasn't sure why I was willing to work with him again after he screwed up like that. This was why.

Like many others, I knew from the start - when I saw her profile online. There was something about her face. Then, when I met her in person, she radiated something I'd never experienced before (she was my first psychologist - I'd seen counselors before). I've been with her for more than 7 years, and I couldn't have wished for a better T.


I was oddly comfortable with her from day one; something I didn't expect. She made a comment recently that when I first started coming in there were lots of walls, and over the years, she's felt them soften.

I am not exactly sure why, but I got teary over this post.

It might be that for all the struggle of therapy, there are these precious moments of grace that mean so much.

Thank you for sharing that story.

With my former T, it was within the first couple of months. Particularly her second overseas trip within the first couple of months of us meeting. And she said I could email her and I just started opening up and it led to such a great relationship from there. With new T, I think there is a possibility but I think it will take time to tell. Ironically with T3 who I saw for a short time this Summer, I knew she was a bad fit from the first session but I continued seeing her for three more thinking it would get better. It didn't. It got worse. Kit.

No problem. It's why I get super defensive when people get on my case about my T. He may have some not so good parts but the care is real, and I don't have to question it. He has been proving himself to me constantly since we met.

I didn't know at all in the start. I was so unsure of what I needed after T1. The biggest things were that he was so different from T1 and that I thought, given his physical appearance, ET would not develop (wrong!).

It was through building our relationship that it became apparent we were a good fit. We're a good team and we trust and respect each other. It's the mutuality of the relationship that makes it work.

I always knew from the start. I kind of just felt it in my gut that I was comfortable with their style and personality. I tend to be that way with people; I get that sense of compatibility (or lack of) pretty quickly.

Well, first I did my homework: had a respected reference, checked him out and was satisfied he was highly competent. Then during the first session, I liked his manner and way of engaging. Most importantly, without consciously thinking about it, I was able to be very vulnerable; and he treated that vulnerability with great gentleness that left me feeling safe and hopeful.