Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

LonesomeTonight · Nov 05, 2018 at 05:23 PM

Dear T,
If you terminate or yell at me, I understand. I'm probably not allowed to call, but I did. Maybe I want you to terminate because I can't do it myself...
LT

lucozader · Nov 05, 2018 at 05:31 PM

C. I found out today that one of my classmates is your supervisee. Perversely, it made me miss you. It was hard to confront the fact that you still exist. I suppose a part of me does still love you after all. How stupid. I am jealous that she gets to see you.

She said you are 'very analytical'... which certainly doesn't surprise me. And you call yourself a humanist.

I wonder if you ever think of me. I suppose not, at this point. It's been more than a year, hasn't it?

R. I miss you so much and it is weird and stupid that I can't contact you and tell you that and tell you that I'm so anxious about the appointment on Thursday and I don't know how I'm going to do it without you. Do you still exist?

M. You're lovely and I really can't be arsed to get all attached to you and yet I know it's going to bloody happen and I'm dreading it. For f***'s sake.

SlumberKitty · Nov 05, 2018 at 05:57 PM

(((((LT)))))

LonesomeTonight · Nov 05, 2018 at 08:08 PM

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. I appreciate your email response to my voicemail but I get the sense you won't change you stance. apparently "I care about you" is just too much. Which...whatever. Maybe I can't deal with that. Maybe I just need to terminate. I don't know...

velcro003 · Nov 05, 2018 at 10:16 PM

i get to see you tomorrow.

Everyday12 · Nov 05, 2018 at 10:21 PM

Had a rough 2 weeks but finally felt better .I hope having therapy tommorow doesn't send me back in to a tail spin..if you ask if I want to take longer between appts.,I hope I have the guts to say yes. It's been a year. It's getting time to move on.

annielovesbacon · Nov 05, 2018 at 11:15 PM

suicide tw

Possible trigger:

I came so close to killing myself tonight, honestly the only thing that stopped me was knowing that a lot of people are relying on me to show up to something tomorrow. I considered driving myself to the ER, too, which is saying something because you know how terrified I am of hospitals. But what happens if I go? Will I get checked in? Will I see a therapist in the hospital? Will that make me feel like I'm betraying you? I'm so scared. I wish I could talk to you but I can't see you for three more weeks. I'm really really scared.

RaineD · Nov 06, 2018 at 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

suicide tw

Possible trigger:

I came so close to killing myself tonight, honestly the only thing that stopped me was knowing that a lot of people are relying on me to show up to something tomorrow. I considered driving myself to the ER, too, which is saying something because you know how terrified I am of hospitals. But what happens if I go? Will I get checked in? Will I see a therapist in the hospital? Will that make me feel like I'm betraying you? I'm so scared. I wish I could talk to you but I can't see you for three more weeks. I'm really really scared.

I know your school's clinic has really restrictive policies on how you can contact your T. But is there any way for her to give you her email address or something? Or is there any way for you to see her more frequently, like once a week instead of every three weeks?

I'm hoping there's a way for your T to give you more support. This is crazy--not being able to see her or talk to her when you clearly need her. Can the clinic or your T make exceptions for emergencies?

Echos Myron redux · Nov 06, 2018 at 03:28 AM

Argh I miss you. I still don't know whether this is worth all the agonising love-sickness and I still don't feel convinced it will ever change. I wasn't ready to talk to you about that last week but I might be this week.

junkDNA · Nov 06, 2018 at 04:43 AM

to the posters that have responded to my dear t posts:

my coworker got a cash advance from our job and went and bought me the $35 plan b pill. I'm paying her back Thursday when we get paid. I took it yesterday, all seems ok for now

I'm extremely grateful for her. I'm grateful for my job and my ability to make some friends now and connect w people. before I was so isolated I didn't really speak to anyone... even at my first job it took me a year to talk to my coworkers casually

so yes I'm ok. thankful. and going to be safer if there's a next time.

junkDNA · Nov 06, 2018 at 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
If you terminate or yell at me, I understand. I'm probably not allowed to call, but I did. Maybe I want you to terminate because I can't do it myself...
LT

I feel this way a lot and it drives me to basically harass my t sometimes. attachment is so hard. I want it but I don't

junkDNA · Nov 06, 2018 at 05:30 AM

made me laugh....

Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Lemoncake · Nov 06, 2018 at 05:47 AM

Session in 5 hours and 14 minutes.

Radiology class at 1pm to help distract me.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 06, 2018 at 05:50 AM

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t i just accept “I care about your success”? I’ll just terminate so you won’t have to deal with my crazy self anymore. And so I won’t keep not getting enough from you.
LT

Lemoncake · Nov 06, 2018 at 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t i just accept “I care about your success”? I’ll just terminate so you won’t have to deal with my crazy self anymore. And so I won’t keep not getting enough from you.
LT

LT,

Honesty there is NOTHING wrong with you.

You're not crazy for feeling the way you do. I would feel the exact same way if R said that to me. Try to go easy on yourself right now and give yourself space before taking a decision.

captgut · Nov 06, 2018 at 07:37 AM

Don't call my feelings "transference"...
So you think they are not real? I know, therapy is a lie, you don't care about me, you hate me and so on. This is very painful. Nevermind.

But my feelings are real. Okay? I love you. Do you even know how painful it is when someone you love hates you? You don't care. I know. It's my problem. What am I trying to say? Idk. I'm in pain. I feel hopeless.

I hate myself for being so miserable and disgusting. I'm sick of myself. I have no one to talk to. I want to stop existing

Anastasia~ · Nov 06, 2018 at 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
I hate myself so much. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t i just accept “I care about your success”? I’ll just terminate so you won’t have to deal with my crazy self anymore. And so I won’t keep not getting enough from you.
LT

Your emotions don't have to make sense. (Although they make sense to me). It is completely valid for you to feel upset that your T will only say, "I care about your success." He isn't getting the emotional component. In my experience, one can't heal emotional trauma from intellectualizing. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Lemoncake · Nov 06, 2018 at 10:02 AM

Dear T,

I'm watching a Dr. Allan N. Schore talk on youtube."Modern attachment theory; the enduring impact of early right-brain development. "

60 minutes exactly.

One small way that I know that I've changed- I don't have that long negative talk in my head calling myself stupid when I get questions wrong in class. It's no big deal.

unaluna · Nov 06, 2018 at 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Dear T,

I'm watching a Dr. Allan N. Schore talk on youtube."Modern attachment theory; the enduring impact of early right-brain development. "

60 minutes exactly.

One small way that I know that I've changed- I don't have that long negative talk in my head calling myself stupid when I get questions wrong in class. It's no big deal.

I looooove alan schore.

Lemoncake · Nov 06, 2018 at 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I looooove alan schore.

He's actually very calming to watch and explains things without all the unnecessary jargon.

Are you keeping track of my mini me brownie points?!

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,882 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Nov 05, 2018 at 05:23 PM #281 Dear T, If you terminate or yell at me, I understand. I'm probably not allowed to call, but I did. Maybe I want you to terminate because I can't do it myself... LT
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Nov 05, 2018 at 05:57 PM #283 (((((LT)))))
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,882 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Nov 05, 2018 at 08:08 PM #284 Dear T, I hate myself so much. I appreciate your email response to my voicemail but I get the sense you won't change you stance. apparently "I care about you" is just too much. Which...whatever. Maybe I can't deal with that. Maybe I just need to terminate. I don't know...
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Nov 05, 2018 at 10:16 PM #285 i get to see you tomorrow.
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Everyday12 Member Member Since Sep 2018 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 68 5 3 hugs given	Nov 05, 2018 at 10:21 PM #286 Had a rough 2 weeks but finally felt better .I hope having therapy tommorow doesn't send me back in to a tail spin..if you ask if I want to take longer between appts.,I hope I have the guts to say yes. It's been a year. It's getting time to move on.
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Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,162 6 1,834 hugs given	Nov 06, 2018 at 03:28 AM #289 Argh I miss you. I still don't know whether this is worth all the agonising love-sickness and I still don't feel convinced it will ever change. I wasn't ready to talk to you about that last week but I might be this week.
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junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Nov 06, 2018 at 05:30 AM #292 made me laugh.... __________________
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Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Seattle. Posts: 9,781 (SuperPoster!) 7 10.2k hugs given	Nov 06, 2018 at 05:47 AM #293 Session in 5 hours and 14 minutes. Radiology class at 1pm to help distract me. __________________
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,882 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Nov 06, 2018 at 05:50 AM #294 Dear T, I hate myself so much. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t i just accept “I care about your success”? I’ll just terminate so you won’t have to deal with my crazy self anymore. And so I won’t keep not getting enough from you. LT
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Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Seattle. Posts: 9,781 (SuperPoster!) 7 10.2k hugs given	Nov 06, 2018 at 10:02 AM #298 Dear T, I'm watching a Dr. Allan N. Schore talk on youtube."Modern attachment theory; the enduring impact of early right-brain development. " 60 minutes exactly. One small way that I know that I've changed- I don't have that long negative talk in my head calling myself stupid when I get questions wrong in class. It's no big deal. __________________
	Reply With Quote