Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

If last Thursday was the lesson, last Friday was the exam...and part two was today.

The multi-part element took me completely by surprise.

Hoping I'll be brave enough to tell you about it.

Ha ha, I'm older than you.

please be my real dad

also please respond to my email and tell me i don't have to worry

Since I am still alive the bullies have upped the ante in a last ditch effort to destroy me along with others. The stakes are high because I have what they don't and they are so jealous they must take every last crumb of bread I have to make THEM HAPPY!!

The nightmare continues and I hope they are not sleeping either.

I know you were playing the HQ trivia tonight too...i was thinking of you and you know I play and love "Friends" so I'm just gonna assume I crossed your mind briefly. Miss you. See you soon!

18 more days... I honestly don't know if I can make it.

I feel grounded tonight. Today wasn't a bad day. I feel so vulnerable when I show another side of me to others. Like usual, when I go from one ego state to the next, it can be painful and make me feel vulnerable. Like when I used to type my thoughts in my email drafts and read it to you when I wasn't in that state. I have a little hope tonight, which is a start.

Dear ex-T D...I miss you SO much right now. I really need some advice and I know you would give me the most perfect advice. I really wish I could talk to you.

For "attention seeking" I read "attention needing".

You need something from your T and you don't yet have the tools to get your needs met another way. That doesn't make you manipulative or bad. Manipulative is so pejorative. You are simply expressing your needs the only way you know how. Be patient with yourself. Eventually you will have the resources to get your needs met in other ways.

I bet you regret mentioning the possibility of moving rooms now don't you? Since your builder is dodging you.

I'm not planning on giving you a Christmas present this year, I might change my mind closer on, but I know that I've always been the above and beyond person because I always needed that external validation. I can finally see that I don't have to try so hard to constantly be the best version of myself. Where I am now is okay. and you will still be there for me regardless.

I will still bring cake though the next time I'm back in London.

Plans for tomorrow: 9am studying at the coffee shop.

3 days, 23 hours, 9 minutes to till session
31 days till registration.
38 or 40 days depending on allocated date for exam number 1.
44 days- return flight back to the heights.

Now I'll stop using my date calculator. xD

Dear Former T,
I miss you so much. It hurts. I wish that there was a magic wand that could be swiped around me and suddenly I wouldn’t hurt. I think it’s good that I miss you, because it means that the depth of my feelings for you was there, and they were real. It’s like you can’t have the good without the bad. By having the bad, I know I had the good. I hated losing you. It feels like the worst thing in my life. I don’t know how long I am going to grieve for, but I can only imagine that it is going to be a long time. At least most days I don’t have that terrible pain in my chest, tearing at me. But the pain is there. It’s real. It isn’t going away. It’s amazing how something that helped me so much when I was seeing you, is hurting me so much, now that I can’t see you. I wonder if I would have known that, would I have gone through everything with you. But I think I would have. I saw you for 10 years. I had 10 good years. Surely, I won’t hurt like this for 10 years. But you are worth the hurt. Every bit. Kit.

I won! I wish you were still alive so I could tell you about it.

I miss you. Everything is different without you.

(((RaineD)))

When I tell you, don't be kind about it.
Tell me you don't give a ****.
Tell me it doesn't matter to you.
Tell me you don't care.

the therapist that worked with me years ago while you left the treatment facility we met in comes into my store sometimes. we've chatted a couple times. He said" it's so good to see you! " he's who helped me tell you about my transference. my coworker saw me talking to him and saw me give him a hug. when I came back behind the counter she made a sexual gesture with her hands and said is it like this? I smiled and said no. I mean she didn't know... was just trying to be funny I guess. but yea, it's things like that that remind me why I can't ever tell anyone about what I've been thru.

except you

Miss you. Love you.

I’m all alone. I want you.

Are you proud of me?

The wanting to feels stupid, the doing feels creepy.

Good to know you "can't care about me more than I care about myself"

Great news for you, you don't have to care then, because I don't give a **** about myself

Glad we've established that you don't care. That's what I needed to be reminded of. I let myself want you to care and I should have known better. This is exactly why I'm not allowed to want things.

i HATE this sort of statement. i think it is a load of shite. i care very little for myself, but i do and can care for others much greater than that.

So does this mean you didn't care how much you were hurting me when you terminated in May? Because it was pretty obvious that I didn't care about myself.
Actually that explains a lot.

You told me you cared about me at the time. You've always said you wouldn't lie to me. Guess that was a lie too.
Did you feel nothing as I was breaking down and sobbing?

And if I end up in a self destructive spiral you'll just terminate again and it'll be easy for you because I wouldn't care about myself and then you wouldn't have to care about me.

I should have known better. I can't believe I believed you. I'm pathetic. I guess this is what I get for being so stupid.

Why would you tell me you cared when you didn't?
Did you think it was funny that i was stupid enough to believe you? Or did you just think it was pathetic that I could let myself believe that?