Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

kaleidoscopeheart · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:13 PM

I'm fighting the urge to self sabotage. Its there, i can feel it. I have been doing so well lately.... almost too well.... I don't want to be pushed out of therapy, I'm not ready... I'm not at all.... I know that is where this is coming from. I want to sabotage my progress to keep coming to therapy.....

This is probably not a good thing so I should probably bring this up at my next appointment.... that should be fun....

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:16 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. It went by way too fast. But you were validating, and that's what I needed today. And you talked me down from my panic at one point. Wish I had another hour with you. Sorry if I seemed to be dragging my feet getting out of there, but I didn't want to leave. Think I still left in time for you to be on time for the people in the waiting room (pretty confident they're your clients, as I saw you walking them out last week when you came to retrieve me).

I do feel much calmer now than I did at this time yesterday (OK, probably didn't take too much for that, but still)...and really considerably more than I have all week, so apparently you helped. Hope the feeling can last at least for a little while...

Love you,
LT

lucozader · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:34 PM

I love you. This is stupid.

winterblues17 · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:46 PM

Why do I find myself fighting tears all session, yet that's probably the only time I feel safe enough to cry, and you are probably the only person I would trust to be there and not judge me.
I know I've asked before and you have told me it's ok but I need you to say it in these moments but you never do, so I feel I have to stop it for you more than me. Wish you could read my mind in those moments, but you can't and of course I can't tell you in the moment.

SlumberKitty · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:48 PM

Former T. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.

SlumberKitty · Oct 25, 2018 at 01:49 PM

New T: Can I count on you to help me?

imnotbroken · Oct 25, 2018 at 04:56 PM

This is getting old and I

imnotbroken · Oct 25, 2018 at 04:57 PM

This is getting old and I'm just repeating myself but I ****ing miss you

RaineD · Oct 25, 2018 at 05:45 PM

Can you feel how much my heart hurts? Do you know how much I love you?

The last time I talked to you while you were alive, you said, "you will keep me on your mind." I didn't know if it was a statement or a question, but I nodded. Of course.

In case you don't already know, you are always on my mind. Always.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2018 at 06:16 PM

Dear T,
The calm didn't last for long. I'm sorry. Why am I apologizing? It's not your fault... You don't have some magic wand that can fix me (if you do, hey, let me know!) Glad you're able to see me tomorrow afternoon...

Love,
LT

Anastasia~ · Oct 25, 2018 at 06:19 PM

I don't want to need you at all. But I do. You are the only person who understands me. How am I supposed to do all of this? I can't deal with this. I can't even wait until next Wednesday. I really can't see any viable options. I have NO idea what I am going to do. AT this point, the more I have to tolerate this situation/the corresponding feelings such as rage at other people at work, rage at myself, and whatever else. Which is making me feel more alone. And ostracized. And the intense hatred/rage toward admin isn't helping. I keep going through this. I keep going through people not believing me. SO **** all of this. If I am destined to be alone, then I am going to self destruct. There are no options left. I'm nothing but a disappointment.

nottrustin · Oct 25, 2018 at 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

I heard you call my name last night. That was really you, wasn't it?

And, earlier in the evening when I was at the gym, Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" randomly started playing on the radio. This song always reminds of you, and although it's not really about death or grief, it's in my "death and grief" playlist that I now listen to constantly. And when the first line of the vocals came on, "so close no matter how far," I felt like it was meant directly for me.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But maybe it isn't.

Raine I had a couple of incidences after Ts death that I swear were coming from her.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2018 at 08:19 PM

Dear T,
I'm sorry I'm so needy. Please keep bearing with me, like you said you would. I know maybe I seemed OK when I left today, and I was for a bit...but that was only while I was medicated with alcohol. I'm not really OK. I will get through tonight OK, but it helps to know I'll be seeing you tomorrow, instead of having to wait until Monday. I just worry I'll walk in there tomorrow afternoon and you'll wonder what I'm doing there. But I'm just trying to keep myself safe...maybe I just need to tell you that? I mean, if you hadn't been available tomorrow, I'd have managed, maybe emailed or something. But I'm trying to take care of myself. I might seem fine on the outside, but...I'm not. I need to talk...

Love,
LT

nottrustin · Oct 25, 2018 at 08:22 PM

So much I wish I had done differently. This f-ing sucks. I just want one more hug. Why did you move?? You wouldn't have fallen in your own house.

RaineD · Oct 25, 2018 at 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

So much I wish I had done differently. This f-ing sucks. I just want one more hug. Why did you move?? You wouldn't have fallen in your own house.

I just want one more hug too. What is it with wanting hugs from the deceased.

After I heard my T call my name two nights ago, I started reading about the phenomenon online, and I read that some people have felt hugs and kisses from their deceased loved ones. I've been asking for a hug ever since.

I'm so sorry you lost your T to such an awful accident.

nottrustin · Oct 25, 2018 at 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

I just want one more hug too. What is it with wanting hugs from the deceased.

After I heard my T call my name two nights ago, I started reading about the phenomenon online, and I read that some people have felt hugs and kisses from their deceased loved ones. I've been asking for a hug ever since.

I'm so sorry you lost your T to such an awful accident.

I think the wanting of a hug is wanting that connection and affection.

The two incidences with T- one night I had a very real dream where T and my mom where together and T was telling me it was okay.. I woke up and felt Ts presence.

In the other: I was struggling one night while trying to sleep. I asked T what I was supposed to do now. Then I fell asleep. Early the next morning, I turned in the radio. The immediately played the song that made me think if T. Which was strange because it is an older song and I had never heard it on that station. The to make it even stranger, the next song that came on was the song that reminds me of TEMDR T. I felt T was answering my question by saying trust Emdr T

RaineD · Oct 25, 2018 at 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I think the wanting of a hug is wanting that connection and affection.

The two incidences with T- one night I had a very real dream where T and my mom where together and T was telling me it was okay.. I woke up and felt Ts presence.

In the other: I was struggling one night while trying to sleep. I asked T what I was supposed to do now. Then I fell asleep. Early the next morning, I turned in the radio. The immediately played the song that made me think if T. Which was strange because it is an older song and I had never heard it on that station. The to make it even stranger, the next song that came on was the song that reminds me of TEMDR T. I felt T was answering my question by saying trust Emdr T

That is amazing! I totally believe these things are real. It is lovely that your T was with your mom. And they were both there to see you.

When I heard my T call my name, my sense was he wanted to talk to me, but the connection was bad. I have to make an effort in order to remember dreams. My default state, when not trying, is I do not remember them. I'm going to start trying to remember them again. I'm waiting for a dream from my T.

atisketatasket · Oct 26, 2018 at 12:26 AM

Dear No. 3,

I once quoted this Catullus poem to you in regard to 2ex:

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do this.
I don’t know, but I feel it happening and I am tormented.

Now I feel that way about you too.

ATAT

LabRat27 · Oct 26, 2018 at 03:04 AM

I know I've been doing better lately
I feel like Icarus

I want to cut the wings off

Anastasia~ · Oct 26, 2018 at 03:26 AM

I can't do this anymore. I can't take being me anymore. If you don't want me as a client go ahead and terminate me. I am totally giving up on myself. My rage towards myself for being a huge nothing approaches infinity.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

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lucozader Most Dangerous Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 2,920 7 7,642 hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 01:34 PM #43 I love you. This is stupid.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 6 117.7k hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 01:48 PM #45 Former T. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 6 117.7k hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 01:49 PM #46 New T: Can I count on you to help me?
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imnotbroken Member Member Since Mar 2018 Location: World Posts: 171 6 29 hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 04:56 PM #47 This is getting old and I
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imnotbroken Member Member Since Mar 2018 Location: World Posts: 171 6 29 hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 04:57 PM #48 This is getting old and I'm just repeating myself but I ****ing miss you
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RaineD Grand Member Member Since Aug 2017 Location: United States Posts: 950 7 962 hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 05:45 PM #49 Can you feel how much my heart hurts? Do you know how much I love you? The last time I talked to you while you were alive, you said, "you will keep me on your mind." I didn't know if it was a statement or a question, but I nodded. Of course. In case you don't already know, you are always on my mind. Always.
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,609 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 06:16 PM #50 Dear T, The calm didn't last for long. I'm sorry. Why am I apologizing? It's not your fault... You don't have some magic wand that can fix me (if you do, hey, let me know!) Glad you're able to see me tomorrow afternoon... Love, LT
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nottrustin Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: n/a Posts: 4,819 10 375 hugs given	Oct 25, 2018 at 08:22 PM #54 So much I wish I had done differently. This f-ing sucks. I just want one more hug. Why did you move?? You wouldn't have fallen in your own house. __________________
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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,302 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Oct 26, 2018 at 12:26 AM #58 Dear No. 3, I once quoted this Catullus poem to you in regard to 2ex: Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris. Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior. I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do this. I don’t know, but I feel it happening and I am tormented. Now I feel that way about you too. ATAT
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LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Oct 26, 2018 at 03:04 AM #59 I know I've been doing better lately I feel like Icarus I want to cut the wings off
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Anastasia~ Poohbah Member Since Jul 2017 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1,019 7 5,296 hugs given	Oct 26, 2018 at 03:26 AM #60 I can't do this anymore. I can't take being me anymore. If you don't want me as a client go ahead and terminate me. I am totally giving up on myself. My rage towards myself for being a huge nothing approaches infinity.
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