Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I don't want to need you at all. But I do. You are the only person who understands me. How am I supposed to do all of this? I can't deal with this. I can't even wait until next Wednesday. I really can't see any viable options. I have NO idea what I am going to do. AT this point, the more I have to tolerate this situation/the corresponding feelings such as rage at other people at work, rage at myself, and whatever else. Which is making me feel more alone. And ostracized. And the intense hatred/rage toward admin isn't helping. I keep going through this. I keep going through people not believing me. SO **** all of this. If I am destined to be alone, then I am going to self destruct. There are no options left. I'm nothing but a disappointment.

Raine I had a couple of incidences after Ts death that I swear were coming from her.

Dear T,
I'm sorry I'm so needy. Please keep bearing with me, like you said you would. I know maybe I seemed OK when I left today, and I was for a bit...but that was only while I was medicated with alcohol. I'm not really OK. I will get through tonight OK, but it helps to know I'll be seeing you tomorrow, instead of having to wait until Monday. I just worry I'll walk in there tomorrow afternoon and you'll wonder what I'm doing there. But I'm just trying to keep myself safe...maybe I just need to tell you that? I mean, if you hadn't been available tomorrow, I'd have managed, maybe emailed or something. But I'm trying to take care of myself. I might seem fine on the outside, but...I'm not. I need to talk...

Love,
LT

So much I wish I had done differently. This f-ing sucks. I just want one more hug. Why did you move?? You wouldn't have fallen in your own house.

I just want one more hug too. What is it with wanting hugs from the deceased.

After I heard my T call my name two nights ago, I started reading about the phenomenon online, and I read that some people have felt hugs and kisses from their deceased loved ones. I've been asking for a hug ever since.

I'm so sorry you lost your T to such an awful accident.

I think the wanting of a hug is wanting that connection and affection.

The two incidences with T- one night I had a very real dream where T and my mom where together and T was telling me it was okay.. I woke up and felt Ts presence.

In the other: I was struggling one night while trying to sleep. I asked T what I was supposed to do now. Then I fell asleep. Early the next morning, I turned in the radio. The immediately played the song that made me think if T. Which was strange because it is an older song and I had never heard it on that station. The to make it even stranger, the next song that came on was the song that reminds me of TEMDR T. I felt T was answering my question by saying trust Emdr T

That is amazing! I totally believe these things are real. It is lovely that your T was with your mom. And they were both there to see you.

When I heard my T call my name, my sense was he wanted to talk to me, but the connection was bad. I have to make an effort in order to remember dreams. My default state, when not trying, is I do not remember them. I'm going to start trying to remember them again. I'm waiting for a dream from my T.

Dear No. 3,

I once quoted this Catullus poem to you in regard to 2ex:

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do this.
I don’t know, but I feel it happening and I am tormented.

Now I feel that way about you too.

ATAT

I know I've been doing better lately
I feel like Icarus

I want to cut the wings off

I can't do this anymore. I can't take being me anymore. If you don't want me as a client go ahead and terminate me. I am totally giving up on myself. My rage towards myself for being a huge nothing approaches infinity.

I've never hated u more

like real hate

like holy sht!!!

Well that was a bust

Dear Art T,

You have been sick, hope you are feeling okay.

-Butterfly

Sigh. Love you.

hey I still hate u

I know I've been avoiding you, but I still love you.

Push and pull both at the same time, oh joy!!!

why r people so stupid

I miss you so much. Today, it all seems so unfair.

Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me?

I know I'm being a child. But I didn't get enough sleep again, and I'm so tired.

I have so much work to do, but I don't want to do anything today.

I really am devastated that I became so dysregulated in response to work issues. I am unable to calm myself during those times. And then I have to walk back in there like I am perfectly fine, when I'm not. I always have something to worry about. I am SO much looking forward to meeting face to face with you again after all this time. You have no idea how much I missed you and your presence.

I wish I could see you more often. Really feeling like a failure today after last night and everything just sucks but no, we can't talk for 6 days. This is frustrating. I'm tempted to text you and apologize for the crap session but I'm not sure I wanna be ignored again. Sigh

stop thinking about me

One of the rare days I'm not feeling any kind of resentment or anger towards you or myself. There's just an almost aching kind of sadness because of the stupid longing for comfort and a kind of intimacy from you that I can't have.
I'm not even angry at myself for it right now. Just sad. I wish I didn't want it because it hurts.
I'd rather be telling myself what a weak and pathetic piece of **** I am for wanting it.

You're kind of breaking my heart.

T I was just told to channel the inner you right now...what I really want I want to do is talk to you.