[Lrad123]

I googled my T as I occasionally do and saw a recent review from a new client who said she feels so much better after seeing him only 4 times. Only FOUR times! I think I was still a complete nervous wreck well past our 4th session. I was shocked because I’ve seen my T for 14 moths and although I think he is good and I like him, I still struggle with feelings of closeness. I would like to have it and occasionally catch glimpses of it, but it’s a super slow process for me. Last week I asked my T if it bothered him that I have been so skeptical of him and constantly tell him how hard it is to come to my appointments. He said it affects him, but he’s glad I’m transparent and he also said it wasn’t common for his clients to view him the way I do. I feel sort of bad because it seems like this person who wrote the review (and apparently most others) like him without reservation almost right away. It just feels like a much more complex process for me. I think that logically and based on the evidence and even based on my gut instinct I think he’s good, and thoughtful and empathetic, but I have trouble letting it sink in and keeping it as a lasting feeling. Wondering how long it took for others to feel close to their T? And what’s wrong with me that it’s not easier?!?

[JaneTennison1]

It's been 2 years almost and just this week I felt like I could trust her. Some people take time. No shame in it

[chihirochild]

It seems to vary for me. With my first therapist it took me about 9 months--she was very gentle with me, but I'd never been in therapy before and it took me a while to get comfortable with the weirdness of the therapeutic dyad. The second therapist... I felt pretty close to her after about three months because I was used to therapy by then and she was also very warm. The pdoc I saw concurrently with T2 also did therapy with me, and I don't think I ever felt close to him even though I saw him for nearly a year--he was very analytical and kept doing stuff like cutting our appointments short without telling me in advance. The current one is 6 months in and our relationship has been sort of rocky... I have moments where I feel connected to him, but I wouldn't say I feel close to him on the whole.

So for me, it seems to depend on my stage in life/therapy and the therapist's demeanor/approach (and maybe other subtler factors that just aren't coming to mind right now).

(As an aside, it's worth considering that if someone felt better after four sessions with your T, they likely did not have a problem whose solution required closeness--might be an issue amenable to exposure or behavioural modification, like a specific phobia or something. Also I dunno if this is useful or if it is even a legitimate comparison or not, but when I was a teacher I didn't like the "easy" students best--I liked the ones with spunk, the ones who showed me their hearts.)

[Salmon77]

A couple years at least. I still don't trust him totally.

I think some people seek therapy when they're going through some stuff, like they're in a stressful situation they don't know how to deal with and get very anxious. So short term therapy just helps them work through the stressful situation and then they're fine. Other people have long-term issues so they go for longer therapy.

[ArtleyWilkins]

With the therapists I worked with long-term, I was very comfortable with them almost from the very first session. I don't know if that is the same as feeling "close" to them. I know I did feel close to them I guess, but what was really important for me was feeling comfortable and safe with them.

[RaineD]

I don't think the passage of time necessarily has anything to do with it.
For me, I felt closer to my T after each rupture-repair cycle.
And after I found out he was dying, the fear of running out of time forced me to tell him I loved him. That disclosure and the way he reacted to it made me feel even closer to him.
So, for me, it's events in therapy that made me feel closer to my T, not the amount of time per se. However, obviously, the more time passes, the more time there is for things to happen.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think it depends on what you mean by "feel close to T." I mean, I was really open with current T on our third session, then kinda freaked out and emailed him. His response, while thorough, made me shut down a bit more. And there have been other times when I've been really open and felt close, then he's said or done something that has made me retreat, to not trust him as much. Lately, I feel very trusting of him, and it's been about 14 months, with much of that twice weekly. I was also hurt by my ex-marriage counselor, with a rupture that happened a year ago (eventually leading to termination). I trusted him deeply for a long time. So I think that rupture led to it taking longer for me to trust current T. I suspect it will still continue to ebb and flow, though. The nature of anxious/preoccupied attachment...

[nottrustin]

Many people who enter therapy come with a history that makes it difficult for them to trust. I think most Ts suspect it to happen and for it take time.

With T it took probably was a year before I felt comfortable talking to her. However it took me a lot longer to really trust her and got really deep and vulnerable.. with Emdr T I was comfortable talking to her at about 9 months and was starting to realize I could open up to her however I struggled with trusting and I told her. She was very understanding. However, I didnt even start the really trust her until T passed away (about a year seeing emdr t). She has been absolutely amazing.

[piggy momma]

I think various aspects of the relationship can vary. I liked my T right away, and trusted him on a very rudimentary level because he carries the title of T. I also have attachment issues that make me super clingy right off the bat from day one.

I’ve been with him for about 14 months now (with a three month break in the summer while he was away) and I’ve just literally, in the last couple of weeks, come to a greater level of trust with him. I experienced a major crisis and he was the first person I turned to and he responded to me instantly. I felt like this was the moment he proved himself to me. I feel like it actually moved us forward.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

(As an aside, it's worth considering that if someone felt better after four sessions with your T, they likely did not have a problem whose solution required closeness--might be an issue amenable to exposure or behavioural modification, like a specific phobia or something. Also I dunno if this is useful or if it is even a legitimate comparison or not, but when I was a teacher I didn't like the "easy" students best--I liked the ones with spunk, the ones who showed me their hearts.)

My T does long-term psychodynamic therapy only, so the client who wrote the review wasn’t getting behavioral therapy, and that’s the strange part to me. I guess some people just connect more quickly. Maybe, as you suggested, she’s been in therapy before so it might have been easier for her to get in the groove more quickly. This is my first round at therapy and although I actually am intrigued by it, it also feels really weird much of the time.

I do love your comment about not liking the “easy” students because it makes me feel like maybe there’s hope for me, so thanks for that! Honestly though, I suspect most people see me as easy in real life, so it’s been a shocker for me to find out that that’s not at all who I’ve been in therapy. I mean, I’m very polite (mostly), but I’m definitely making him work.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

A couple years at least. I still don't trust him totally.

I think some people seek therapy when they're going through some stuff, like they're in a stressful situation they don't know how to deal with and get very anxious. So short term therapy just helps them work through the stressful situation and then they're fine. Other people have long-term issues so they go for longer therapy.

My T only does long term psychodynamic therapy, but maybe the client who wrote the review had a short term issue she was working on too and that was why she felt good after only 4 sessions. There’s just no way I’d trust a T after that short of a time! What’s odd to me is that my T implied that I’m unusual in the sense that most of his clients are more positive towards him than I am. I’m thinking that I can’t be all that unusual. It sounds like many on this forum are somewhat like me.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

With the therapists I worked with long-term, I was very comfortable with them almost from the very first session. I don't know if that is the same as feeling "close" to them. I know I did feel close to them I guess, but what was really important for me was feeling comfortable and safe with them.

Yes, I guess I didn’t just mean close. I meant comfortable and safe, etc. I want all that so very much, but I just can’t will it to happen. I’m glad you have experienced that with your T. Perhaps it’ll come with time for me. Baby steps, I guess.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by RaineD

I don't think the passage of time necessarily has anything to do with it.
For me, I felt closer to my T after each rupture-repair cycle.
And after I found out he was dying, the fear of running out of time forced me to tell him I loved him. That disclosure and the way he reacted to it made me feel even closer to him.
So, for me, it's events in therapy that made me feel closer to my T, not the amount of time per se. However, obviously, the more time passes, the more time there is for things to happen.

That’s a good point. My therapist believes that “the relationship is the therapy” which I guess is sort of what you’re saying. We did just have I guess what you might call a rupture, and I actually did feel a bit better after we talked about it. It can be hard for me to hold onto that positive feeling though, although I think I might be getting a little better at it with time.

I’m so very sorry about your T’s death. He sounds wonderful from what you’ve posted. I can’t even imagine how hard that must be.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

The nature of anxious/preoccupied attachment...

Fearful/avoidant here which may just be the answer to my own question.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Many people who enter therapy come with a history that makes it difficult for them to trust. I think most Ts suspect it to happen and for it take time.

With T it took probably was a year before I felt comfortable talking to her. However it took me a lot longer to really trust her and got really deep and vulnerable.. with Emdr T I was comfortable talking to her at about 9 months and was starting to realize I could open up to her however I struggled with trusting and I told her. She was very understanding. However, I didnt even start the really trust her until T passed away (about a year seeing emdr t). She has been absolutely amazing.

Yes, I think you’re right about it taking a long time for many of us who enter therapy based on our background. I just got the impression from my T (after I asked him) that I’m taking much longer than everyone else.

It depends on one's history. I felt closer to everyone but my adoptive mother. Anyone was safer than her. So by the end of the 1st visit I felt closer to T.

[Anne2.0]

I think I have always been out of step with what most people think and do, so I would start by saying that why does this mean there is something wrong with you? When I was younger (in my mid 50's now), I cared more about what other people thought of me, and now I think it's just part of my cherished identity that I see things and experience the world differently than most people. That thing itself is what makes me good at doing the work I do.

I think the other context is that most people only attend a limited number of sessions-- my T says about 6. Some of those people ghost, but most actually wrap whatever is going on with them, at least for now, up. So long term clients (anyone who has been to more than a half dozen sessions through people like me who are near a decade or more) are actually pretty rare and are therefore more unique among themselves. So long term clients are completely different than short term clients, and what that online review you read suggests is partly that.

Being open about what's going on with me, trusting T with specifics about what's on my mind, present or past or future, and feeling close to him are three different things for me. They are separate threads tied together but balloon out or wind together over time. Compared to 9 years ago, I am more willing and able to be open about my experiences and feelings, mostly because I trust T to understand them, but I don't always feel close to him. I think that opening up is more just a behavior that I can choose to engage in or not, and have the ability to regulate myself. What's different now than in the past is that I can be more conscious and deliberate about what I say, when in the past I was more blurty and driven by reaction. Trust to me also feels like a choice, in and out of therapy, I sometimes am able to take a deep breath and remind myself that the benefit is likely to outweigh the cost of keeping it inside and avoiding it. Closeness seems more like one of those emotions or feelings about T you mentioned in another recent post, and as time goes on I can often remind myself (Pema Chodron style) that it comes and goes, I try not to do more than just pay attention that it's here and enjoy it while it lasts. I accept that I won't always feel it when I think I "should." To me that's the reality that actually keeps me more steady on my feet.

Speaking of acceptance, this questioning you are doing feels more like an issue of self-acceptance. How's it going with that? We can't all be average. (though I think the son of a Bush president once said it was the goal of no child left behind legislation, for every school to be). So what if your T has to work harder (whatever that means, some people really enjoy tough cases and challenges) than the average client?

I don't know if this is in the neighborhood of what you experienced, but at the end of a session a couple months ago where we were talking about the span of my therapy, T used the word "difficult" and I thought he meant I was a difficult client. When I clarified the next time, what he said (or meant) is that I'd done some difficult work in the past. That is definitely true, as my childhood trauma is by any standards severe and I spent a lot of time in therapy talking about explicit details that I know would be difficult for anyone to hear. Yet I don't get the sense that T thinks that a bad thing, and in his shoes, I would be glad to be able to stand by people as they go through something difficult, or who do therapy in a difficult way.

I think therapy can raise, in all kinds of different ways-- I think often complicated by access to other people's therapeutic experiences like on this board-- how we think about ourselves, the labels we give ourselves, and the many ways we can interpret our self worth and self image as negative when in fact that's not objectively true. For me the challenge has been to see myself as I am, with my strengths as well as weaknesses, but it turns out that some of what I used to see as weaknesses are actually strengths and vice versa. From where I sit, I stand with the "difficult" clients and say I doubt there is anything wrong with you.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I googled my T as I occasionally do and saw a recent review from a new client who said she feels so much better after seeing him only 4 times. Only FOUR times! ?!?

That could very well be an idealizing transference. it can feel similar to falling in love, stirring up pleasant feelings.

I think genuine closeness takes time. The longer I was with my Ts, the more close I felt. I felt feelings of closeness at the beginning too, but those were very childlike for the most part.

[Echos Myron redux]

With my first T, weeks, and what a disaster that turned out to be.

With current T, about 2 years. And that's a much safer relationship. Trust your defences. They are there to protect you and they will shift when they know you are safe. It can take time.

[starfishing]

Sometimes just taking a first step like starting therapy can make people feel better. It's not really about the therapy itself when that happens, or at least not entirely. More that it feels positive and/or hopeful to be doing something to address whatever issues you want to address, even if it hasn't started to actually help in a concrete way yet. I would suspect that's at least part of what's going on with the review writer.

Or there's the concept of the "flight into health" where someone starts suddenly feeling better as part of an unconscious desire to avoid addressing their deeper issues.

Either way, I don't think there's anything wrong with you taking however much time you take to feel comfortable or close or good with your therapist. I've been seeing my current therapist for two years, and closeness and comfort are still often elusive. I saw another therapist who was extremely helpful years ago, and I actively hated her for the first six months. It's all part of the process.